Angry at husband for refusing to take care of his body
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I am a bloke, my suggestion is stop trying to control his life, do not nag or he may find someone not as controlling
Probably not what you wanted to hear, but as a bloke we push back, and change, if & when, we want to
Quoted for truth.
In my experience, either you learn to live and work TOGETHER or go your separate paths.
If you are having this big of an issue so early into the marriage, maybe think about why you married him in the first place. Because based off your post, you guys don't sound like you're on the same page.
Personally, back the hell off. It will only push him away. Do YOU; focus on yourself. Lead by example, but don't push him into eating habits he doesn't want (even though it probably is better for him). If and when he starts to see how it's effecting his health, maybe he'll change. Maybe he wont. But that is entirely up to him. Just be his PARTNER and stand by whatever decision he makes.
He is a grown man and individual after all...0 -
Wow, seriously, what a big jerk for letting himself get so out of shape and develop such poor habits in just a couple of short months since your wedding. I'm just appalled that he would change so much in such a short amount of time, and that you, you know, WOULDN'T HAVE KNOWN THAT HE WAS LIKE THAT BEFORE YOU DECIDED TO MARRY HIM or something.
:laugh:
OP, you're his wife, not his mother. Cook whatever you want for dinner. If you start making a bunch of "health food" as you call it, you may be coming back here posting about how pissed you are b/c your husband only had a few bites of the dinner you slaved over, and then went to McDonald's for a burger and fries. Make the kind of food that you and your family like to eat. Tell him that you're afraid for him, and ask what you can do to support him. I imagine his doc wants him back for follow up blood work if he's pre-D and had other poor results. Let him work with his doctor to figure things out. Or, if he doesn't want to figure things out, then maybe you should reevaluate having kids with this man. If you're going to spend the rest of his life pissed at him over the possibility that he'll die and leave you a widow with a small child, you're better off not having one. If he really wants one, maybe it'll be the fire under his a.ss to make a change. Although I don't think you should use a baby as leverage - I don't mean for it to sound that way at all. And if doesn't really want one, then maybe there are bigger problems than your husband's blood work. Good luck!:drinker:0 -
It's not just men that will push back to the nagging and trying to change thing.
My husband is a Marine. I gained weight after having my daughter, and really couldnt "get it together" after... you know, being 21 with a new baby, a new bride, a new military wife at that, and MILES MILES away from every single person in my family. It was an up and down battle.
it was in NO danger to my health...he nagged and nagged me. All it did was make me NOT want to do it. I finally told him to leave me alone and I'll do it on my own terms if and when I'm ready. I still loved him dearly, but he really needed to leave me alone. He got the hint after I lost 10 lbs in secret by working out before he got up...he saw I can do things in my own way, I'm an adult and I dont need someone following me around telling me what to do.
Now things are more than great. if I ask for help- he helps. But if he pushes, I'll push back.0 -
Look, if you're really concerned, and you're the one who cooks, then make healthy meals (I know you said you didn't want to, but what in the F is wrong with healthy meals?), Don't buy juice or cookies or chips. You're not nagging. You're just making it so that if he wants a giant orange soda he's going to have to get up and go out of the house and get it for himself.
Yes, he has to learn some damn portion control. It would also be awesome if he learned to shop and cook. You can't hassle him into portion control, but if you control the food, then you sure can make it so he has to fend for himself if he wants to mess himself up.
It's not rocket science. Don't enable.
Edited to add: also, if you haven't told him why you're scared, tell him. He might not know how awful diabetes can be to live with, and die with. Tell him what you've seen your relatives go through ... and then drop it. Model the good behavior. Everything else is up to him.0 -
And also, I don't think that there's anything wrong with asking your spouse to change something that really bothers you.
something like hanging up a wet towel, not burning microwave popcorn....sure.
sounds to me like you thought the wedding bell was your green light to try to change him.
how long has he been living this lifestyle you disapprove of? have you tried talking to him prior to now? (if you already answered these, my bad.)0 -
From experience-lead by example and keep your mouth shut. My husband's cholesterol numbers were high and he was on his way to being a diabetic. Having his doctor and employer tell him this didn't change anything, because he just wasn't ready.
Last fall I started losing weight because my own health was deteriorating. After a year of focusing on me, being positive about the whole thing (I never ever complained about 'dieting'), and being successful with losing the weight and now maintaining-a month ago out of the blue my husband told me he wanted to lose some weight. I had to scrape my jaw off the floor lol. I supported him in his decision, as he's done for me, but I let him take control and he chose a way that worked for him (which was different than how I approached weight loss). This morning he hit a new low and has lost a little over 10lbs. He's doing it on his own terms and out of a desire to do this for himself. My role is be supportive but not be pushy or become a nag. That won't work and will cause more problems. Being an example is the biggest thing you can do-they are watching us!
THIS!
When he is ready to change, he will. You cannot create the desire in him. It has to be his decision or he won't keep the weight off anyway. Remember why you chose him.
So you will nag him right on out the door. I feel sorry for your husband. :ohwell:0 -
I was in the same kind of boat as you are, my husband was diagnosed with lung cancer stage IIIb and still decided to smoke...talk about huge fights, I finally just gave up and he finally quit.....needless to say he is a 6 year survivor after given 6months to a year to live....
so in other words, adults have their right to do what they want, even if it isn't right in our eyes...it is their life....so don't nag him, it will only do more harm...let him figure it out!
best of luck!
:noway: That makes me mad just reading about it.
You're a saint for being able to let that one go. Congratulations to your husband for quitting and being a survivor!:flowerforyou: 0 -
The issue isn't whether it's right or wrong to ask him to change, it's whether he will change based on your request. Motivation needs to come from within and outside pressure to change can be extremely demotivating, as other posters have explained.And also, I don't think that there's anything wrong with asking your spouse to change something that really bothers you. I know it's the current "politically correct" thing to say that people shouldn't try to change other people and to rant that "desperate" or "stupid" women are always marrying men and then trying to "fix" them. But come on, really? You are only hearing this one complaint that I have about my husband and some of you have decided that my marriage fits into the above-listed stereotype and that I probably shouldn't have married the guy.
That's ridiculous. It's okay, in my opinion, to ask your spouse to change something for you, especially if it's something self-destructive. And throwing someone aside instead of marrying them because of a single flaw when you love them tremendously and they are a good, kind person, is just stupid. So yes, I married him, and I will stay married to him.
And FYI, he also believes there is nothing wrong with asking your spouse to change something if it bothers you.
I have been married for 25 years and have found that the best way to encourage better eating in my husband is to model good eating. Nagging is always counter productive.0 -
I just got married in September,
..I want
..I DON'T want
..AWFUL
..He's grumpy, forgetful, etc.
..he "talks" change, but does nothing.
..He eats HUGE portions
..I'm really the only one who cooks
..My husband, however, will eat a HUGE plate
..I don't think it's fair
..Plus, I'm angry
..I don't want
..Should I nag him?
Please, any suggestions would be appreciated.
Wow. What a happy marriage that must be.
Serious point.
Brilliant.0 -
Work this out before you have kids.
^^0 -
How did you marry him without knowing that?0
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no one likes the food police or the exercise police. it's very hard.
Are you kidding people love the food and exercise police. Constantly passing laws and funding government to control our habits and tell us what we can and cant do. If we didnt like it we would stop reelecting the same politicians over and over. Right? Maybe not.0 -
no one likes the food police or the exercise police. it's very hard.
Are you kidding people love the food and exercise police. Constantly passing laws and funding government to control our habits and tell us what we can and cant do. If we didnt like it we would stop reelecting the same politicians over and over. Right? Maybe not.
OP is ONLY responsible for her husband's health. Not government policy! Well, yet anyway.0 -
When I read the OP, I started to post the same thing I have seen already..."Why didn't the two of you discuss this stuff in depth prior to marrying??" But I assume you DID discuss and it still do. If you don't, please do so immediately.
The only thing that strikes me as remotely "off" is the way you're referring to receiving his bloodwork, almost like he failed a test or is one of your children who brought home a bad report card. I DO understand that it is the catalyst for your now much deeper concern about his health and wellbeing. To me, that sounds like the perfect time to have a serious discussion about this and put the ball in his court. Nagging probably won't go far.
My dad married my stepmom when they were both 43 years old. She was lean and in good health. He was also in good health then but definitely overweight - but he worked at a physical job and was very set in his ways. He didn't go to the doctor ever. Never got sick. And so on. My stepmom jumped on the low fat bandwagon, Atkins diet craze, etc. She always tried to get him to do it, too. Did he? Heck no. My stepmom was already a widow, at 43. So she finally convinced my dad around age 47 or so to get bloodwork and a full physical etc. Everything looked great. He continued to eat steak, burgers, sweets, and little else. Regardless of her nagging.
Fast forward to my dad hitting his early 60s. He suddenly had a prostate cancer scare, then an esophageal cancer scare. Luckily he's not been diagnosed with cancer yet but his health is not wonderful. What did he do? Started eating healthy. Stopped the occasional tobacco chewing. Became a mall walker and walks 27 miles per week with his newfound pals and even lifts weights in the attic. He looks a lot like Bill Clinton does now. Trim and lean and you would probably think he had always been a fit guy. You would not guess he was 250-ish pounds (albeit 6'4") until his 60s.
Point being, people have to get that scare...that motivation...for themselves. And it doesn't always come in the form of a well-meaning spouse trying to make them change.
I do wish you both the best, though!0 -
Emotional response to fear of losing spouse is normal. Frustration over inability to change the course yourself is normal.
Hopefully he makes the right choice. Good luck OP.0 -
Mine has CHF and everything I've lost he's gained so I'm kinda in the same boat. My daughter says you've got to do something and I say he's a grown *kitten* man and I have no control over what he does. Like me, he has to want to change in order to change. He's got to want to quit feeling horrible. Voice your fears and concerns once and tell him you aren't going to bring it up again. I actually told mine when he said he wasn't going to take meds for the rest of his life or go to the doctors all the time that he may as well stayed home and died the first time because it did no good to take care of the issue for one weekend and then get right back in the same situation, he conceded and went to the doctor and takes his meds.0
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And also, I don't think that there's anything wrong with asking your spouse to change something that really bothers you. I know it's the current "politically correct" thing to say that people shouldn't try to change other people and to rant that "desperate" or "stupid" women are always marrying men and then trying to "fix" them. But come on, really? You are only hearing this one complaint that I have about my husband and some of you have decided that my marriage fits into the above-listed stereotype and that I probably shouldn't have married the guy.
That's ridiculous. It's okay, in my opinion, to ask your spouse to change something for you, especially if it's something self-destructive. And throwing someone aside instead of marrying them because of a single flaw when you love them tremendously and they are a good, kind person, is just stupid. So yes, I married him, and I will stay married to him.
And FYI, he also believes there is nothing wrong with asking your spouse to change something if it bothers you.
Sounds like this is going to be a super fun marriage for you both. Perhaps hold off on the baby plans for a while...0 -
Well sit him down and ask him to get a very good insurance policy to protect you and the kids. Since he is not willing to take care of his health, the least he can do is make sure you don't end up homeless if/ when he die.0
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Get thee to marriage counseling. There are a LOT of different issues going on here according to your post.0
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Get thee to marriage counseling. There are a LOT of different issues going on here according to your post.
Is one of those issues seeking attention from approval while badmouthing your significant other behind his back? Not sure how counseling would help that since he will be there to hear these "issues".0 -
And also, I don't think that there's anything wrong with asking your spouse to change something that really bothers you. I know it's the current "politically correct" thing to say that people shouldn't try to change other people and to rant that "desperate" or "stupid" women are always marrying men and then trying to "fix" them. But come on, really? You are only hearing this one complaint that I have about my husband and some of you have decided that my marriage fits into the above-listed stereotype and that I probably shouldn't have married the guy.
That's ridiculous. It's okay, in my opinion, to ask your spouse to change something for you, especially if it's something self-destructive. And throwing someone aside instead of marrying them because of a single flaw when you love them tremendously and they are a good, kind person, is just stupid. So yes, I married him, and I will stay married to him.
And FYI, he also believes there is nothing wrong with asking your spouse to change something if it bothers you.
So - I thought you had already tried that and (of course) it didn't work. And that's why you are here now asking for advice. Right?
Marriage counseling. And I am not being snotty, I am being serious. There are some big issues going on between the two of you, that are not going to be fixed by you asking for 3rd party advice in his absence.0 -
Those who are suggesting my marriage is not happy- if I weren't happy, I wouldn't give a crap about his health. We have a wonderful relationship and are best friends. I know his shortcomings and I know I agreed to accept and live with them when we got married. I do that well, for the few other flaws that he has that bug me (there aren't many).This, however, hits a particular nerve in me when I get lab results for him that are this bad. I DO NOT want to lose him until he's really, really old. I have seen the HORRIBLE things that diabetes does to people. I can't stand the thought of him going through all of that.
Take it from a woman who was told she would be a widow by 30 if her Hubby did not change his habits.
My husband's cholesterol was soooo high his blood draws looked like bacon fat collecting in the vial, (This was not enough to convince him he needed to make a change ). He spent 14 days in the hospital b/c his pancreas stopped working right, and he came home on enzyme pills (You would think having to take 8 pills before each meal, and 4 before each snack would be a good AAHA moment.)
He would have to take insulin shots too because he was not making his own insulin. He was lucky enough that when the swelling went down his pancreas became functioning again! {THIS STILL WAS NOT ROCK BOTTOM!!!!} I tried being angry, loving, understanding, demanding, and even gave him ultimatums (It's me or your health).......
The truth is........... HE DID NOT CHANGE HIS HABITS until he hit his ROCK BOTTOM!!
For my husband it was when he could not make it through a day at the local theme park with our son at the age of 30! He will do it when he is ready, and not before. Your job is to be there when he falls, and pick him back up again. Don't give him an " I told you so", and you can not push him to that point. He will have his AAAHA moment.
Once he has it try telling him, " I will be there to help you as long as you are willing to try." Be his partner in this battle!..... NOT HIS PARENT!
Tell him you love him, and you wish he would take his health more serious, and how much it would hurt you to have to go it alone without him by your side......
LET HIM COME TO HIS OWN REALIZATION! IT WILL HAPPEN..........
I PROMISE0 -
Don't try and change him, it's a recipe for disaster. I asked my ex-wife to quit pooping with the door open and the next thing I know she's banging the PE teacher at her school.
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Emotional response to fear of losing spouse is normal. Frustration over inability to change the course yourself is normal.
Hopefully he makes the right choice. Good luck OP.
Thank you for understanding. I'm scared, period, which leads to feeling frustrated that he hasn't worked harder to change. Yes, I knew he was a little chubby and seemed to have some blood-sugar lows before I married him, but I really didn't know it was pre-diabetes or that he had such high cholesterol. Of course, I still would have married him even if I had known that. I don't like the idea people seem to be insinuating here that if you knew something about your spouse before you got married and then married them anyway, then you absolutely must keep your mouth shut about it after. One, I didn't know the full extent of the problem, and two, I think that when you exchange vows promising to love and honor and cherish one another, you're vowing to also try to be your best (within reason) for your partner. So me asking him to get healthier should not equate to me being some horrible person/spouse.
As a follow up, I got home and he had read his lab results online as well and was just as shocked and worried. We had a heart to heart and I told him how it felt to see relatives lose legs, be dependent on insulin, have heart attacks and strokes with agonizing recoveries, invasive surgeries, etc.
I also expressed frustration that I don't want to have to be the one to balance everyone's nutritional wants and needs (like figuring out whether or not to keep snacks around for the kids when I know he's going to overeat them, planning and preparing meals that will keep them happy and him healthy, etc.- there are lots of issues). We agreed that we need to work on balancing things together.
Also, my "should I nag" question had more to do with the fact that I don't WANT to nag, and I avoid it in almost the extreme- to the point where I wonder if I am assertive enough or not. That's why I was asking if I need to be more direct in asking him to change, rather than "suggesting" healthier things.
But people read into what I wrote way too much and assumed that I'm a naggy, pushy woman hell bent on "fixing" my husband. One person even said I'm shallow for wanting him to lose weight. He's not even that overweight, and I AM attracted to him....Sheesh. That'll teach me to ask for advice in a public forum!0 -
tag to read later, because I'm sure this is going to end just swimmingly ..0
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...As a follow up, I got home and he had read his lab results online as well and was just as shocked and worried. We had a heart to heart and I told him how it felt to see relatives lose legs, be dependent on insulin, have heart attacks and strokes with agonizing recoveries, invasive surgeries, etc.
I also expressed frustration that I don't want to have to be the one to balance everyone's nutritional wants and needs (like figuring out whether or not to keep snacks around for the kids when I know he's going to overeat them, planning and preparing meals that will keep them happy and him healthy, etc.- there are lots of issues). We agreed that we need to work on balancing things together....
All this anger and stress and coming on here for advice and he hadn't even seen the results yet? Talk about jumping the gun. Slow down, take a breath and relax.0 -
You said that you were the cook and food planner for the family. You may not like it, but you are the gatekeeper for eveyone's nutritional wants, and needs as you call them. Tip one: meet the needs, before the wants.
I am glad to hear he is now alarmed, that is the first step towards change, good luck.0 -
What I don't get is this: YOU joined MFP to improve YOURSELF. Your husband didn't. Why are you hyper focusing on alllllll the negative stuff when you could be improving yourself (like you originally signed up for... imagine that)?
It's not worth the fight when you know it's just going to end with arguing and both of you getting defensive and offended at each other. Enjoy your time now.
Hell, if you want to eat healthy, make yourself a portion sized healthy meal and let him pick out what he wants.
People are going to do what they want to do; it's their nature. Stop trying to control the situation.0 -
I'm scared, period, which leads to feeling frustrated that he hasn't worked harder to change.
But seriously, it sounds like you handled it well what with the communication and everything.0
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