Angry at husband for refusing to take care of his body

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Replies

  • nklp
    nklp Posts: 62 Member
    You know, i went thru this.....and i realized i didnt want to be that kind of wife. It didnt help matters and it made us both cranky. What i did do however, was worry about ME. That is the only person i am in control of and who i can change. My husband has worse health issues than your husband. I wish he would change for his health sake but its totally up to him. I can only cook healthy meals and make sure when i grocery shop i bring the right things into the house. What he eats on the outside is on him. He will get to the gym when its important to him. I can only hope that one day i will inspire him enough to try again. I knew what i got when i married him.

    I suggest that you take a step back and prepare your meals as healthy as possable for your family and make enough for the meal and serve him his serving size. Make sure there are healthy snacks in the house or make them into single serve sizes. Also, maybe after dinner you could suggest an after dinner walk or something to get him a little more active. If he realizes its important to you in a non threatening way it may help. Dont give him dirty looks when he over eats or make snide comments...they hurt and they dont help at all. I say this from experience. You also wouldnt like it if the tables were turned.

    Good luck on all that!

    ^this!! I'd say try to have one big sit-down conversation where you explain to him how hard it was to see other people go through diabities, and how much it scares you that he might be in that situation, but then stop. Just the one big talk, and from then on, don't talk - inspire! Cook carb-free meals and limit the junk that's in the house, but let him be his own person and decide whether to step it up and look after himself responsibly, or not.
  • Siansonea
    Siansonea Posts: 917 Member
    Married less than three months and you're already fuming because your husband isn't changing to suit you. Well, aren't you a doll.
  • RonnieLodge
    RonnieLodge Posts: 665 Member

    Should I nag him?

    Please, any suggestions would be appreciated.

    NO. :noway:

    It will not make you feel good and it won't make him feel good, either.
  • paleojoe
    paleojoe Posts: 442 Member
    I just got married in September, and at 46, my husband is slightly overweight and is becoming very unhealthy. I just looked at his lab results from his recent check-up and he's pre-diabetic and has high cholesterol. I want to have at least 40 years with him, and I DON'T want him to become diabetic and lose limbs, have ED, have to inject himself with insulin, etc.

    His sugar crashes are AWFUL when he goes too long without eating. He's grumpy, forgetful, etc. I have diabetics in my family and I've seen the terrible damage it does and how badly it brings down the quality of your life.

    The thing is, he "talks" change, but does nothing. I get on the elliptical and he says he'll get on after I'm done, but then he gets busy doing something else and doesn't do it. He eats HUGE portions of food, especially carbs, and he's a chocolate junkie.

    I could, since I'm really the only one who cooks, make only healthy meals that he won't be tempted to eat too much of, but I think he should just learn damn portion control. For example, tonight I'm making tuna and noodles and a vegetable. My kids love it, and I know how to eat only a small portion (like a cup) and fill up on vegetables. My husband, however, will eat a HUGE plate, and a tiny dollop of vegetables. Plus he'll drink a big glass of orange juice with it. I'll drink water or unsweetened tea. I don't think it's fair to have to make only "health foods" just so that he doesn't have to worry about trying to control himself.

    Plus, I'm angry that he leaves it all to me. I don't want to have to tell him to work out or tell him to only eat so much of something or only make certain foods. He's a grown man, and should be able to self-monitor.

    We are trying to have a baby, and I want him to be around well into old age to see that child grow up! I love him so much that it angers me that he cares so little about his own health.

    Should I nag him? I remind him to work out but then don't get on his case if he doesn't, because I don't want to seem like a controlling bi#*ch. I don't say anything when he overeats, but I frequently remind him he should eat less carbs (because of the blood sugar issues) and more vegetables and protein. But I haven't come down on him hard, it's just been suggestions.

    As a side note, I AM attracted to him, so I'm not doing this because I want a hotter husband. I do think it would improve my desire for him some though if he were a bit slimmer and more muscular. It's not that big of a deal though, more like a "wouldn't it be nice" type of wish than anything. I mostly want him to be healthy!

    Please, any suggestions would be appreciated.

    How long before you got married did you date him?

    Was he always this way?
  • kjimmie4848
    kjimmie4848 Posts: 123 Member
    I've been married for 11 years and trust me, it does no good to get angry. I know it's frustrating though. My husband went to the doctor at 360 pounds, found to have high cholesterol and high blood pressure and the doctor didn't tell him to try to lose weight. So because of that he thinks he's just fine to eat all the McDonalds, doughnuts(dozen), and cookies (boxes) he wants as long as he takes his pills.
  • Siansonea
    Siansonea Posts: 917 Member
    Honestly, why not go full on Controlling B*t©h? The only thing worse than a Controlling B•t©h is a Passive-Aggressive Controlling B•t©h. If you have to have things your way, make him toe the line or else. Bully him. It'll totally work, trust me, I read it on the Internet. :flowerforyou:
  • PhatAv8r
    PhatAv8r Posts: 150 Member
    Just going to say that as the sugar-holic in my house, I'd love to put the blame on my wife for not making 'healthy' meals, but its my problem, and until I can OWN it, I can't fix it.

    Same for your man, you can offer to help, but if he can't give up the chocolate... going to be a long ride.
  • bulbadoof
    bulbadoof Posts: 1,058 Member
    He's an adult, it's his body, it's his decision. Sorry.

    ETA: It's okay to ask your significant other to change a behavior that is a legitimate concern to you. However, it's also okay for them to say no.
  • QuietBloom
    QuietBloom Posts: 5,413 Member
    Honestly, why not go full on Controlling B*t©h? The only thing worse than a Controlling B•t©h is a Passive-Aggressive Controlling B•t©h. If you have to have things your way, make him toe the line or else. Bully him. It'll totally work, trust me, I read it on the Internet. :flowerforyou:

    You are evil. ROTFL
  • SLLRunner
    SLLRunner Posts: 12,942 Member
    I just got married in September,

    ..I want

    ..I DON'T want

    ..AWFUL

    ..He's grumpy, forgetful, etc.

    ..he "talks" change, but does nothing.

    ..He eats HUGE portions

    ..I'm really the only one who cooks

    ..My husband, however, will eat a HUGE plate

    ..I don't think it's fair

    ..Plus, I'm angry

    ..I don't want

    ..Should I nag him?

    Please, any suggestions would be appreciated.

    Wow. What a happy marriage that must be.

    Serious point.

    This exactly.

    OP, I understand you want him around for many years to come but, as harsh as this sounds, it's his body and he has every right to treat himself as he chooses. You're not his mother or his caretaker. You are his wife.

    He knows he's pre-diabetic and unhealthy. You nagging him about ti make it worse for him and you and your children.

    The only thing you can do is cook healthy meals that the entire family can enjoy and ask him to join you in walks or other activities. You can't make him become different than he is.

    My guess is he didn't start eating like this after you got married in September, that he's been eating this way all along, so why is it an issue now? Or, has it always been an issue.

    You need to accept him as he is and take care of yourself. :smile:
  • Losingthedamnweight
    Losingthedamnweight Posts: 535 Member
    So he's gone downhill in the last two months you've been married? REALLY? That sounds a little extreme. More like he is annoying you after a couple of months of marriage which is not a good sign at all. As if you didn't know his habits before you married him? Also, if you were a GOOD partner, you would do whatever you could to help your partner from a place of love. You portray yourself in your post as if are not a very nice person and that you may need to work on yourself. Yes you should be making healthy food and only have good food in your house to help support him. You should ask him to take walks with you and help him out with the "doing things" so he feels like he can spend the time to workout. Yes you should support him with loving encouragement and love him for him instead of being nasty rather than expecting him to just turn into you with your habits. It amazes me that horrible people can express how horrible they are in writing and then still not see just how horrible they are. He deserves someone who will love and support him. You need to worry about fixing yourself and your take on what marriage should be first. Sorry if I sound harsh, but I think you need a SERIOUS wakeup call.

    It's posts like this that seriously make me lose faith in humanity.
  • rb16fitness
    rb16fitness Posts: 236 Member
    How come OP you'd read his test results before your husband? Doesn't the US operate patient/doctor confidentiality in the anymore?
  • TrishaLeighNelson
    TrishaLeighNelson Posts: 258 Member
    I only cok enough for my husband, daughter and I. His portions are sliggtly bigfer,,but I do not cook that much fod that we would over eat. So dont cook so much
  • msf74
    msf74 Posts: 3,498 Member
    Have you tried having a civil adult conversation with him?
  • swimbikerun2006
    swimbikerun2006 Posts: 29 Member
    When my slim husband, at 54 was diagnosed pre diabetic. It never occurred to me, that I would not do whatever I could, to help him reverse it. I am the cook, and the person who does the marketing. That day of diagnosis, you would not believe how much stuff I removed from my house. I changed my cooking habits, food shopping, everything that day. I made sure I did not buy things that would tempt him.

    Very rapidly the condition was reversed. Four years later, his blood work is still great. He did do his part though.

    It is my belief, if you are the cook and person planning the meals. You are also part of the solution. I love my husband, I was happy to change, if that helped him. And it did.



    PS: We have an attitude of we are in this together. You might want to delay those baby plans.

    This is what support looks like ^^^.
    It is dangerous to compare your 'willpower' to his. Maybe you CAN just eat a cup of noodles and be done. But if he can't- then they shouldn't be an option at the meal table. Here's the deal. And I know this because I have seen my parents fall prey to diabetes. You can preach. And you can teach. And you can beg. And you can nag. You can feel angry & annoyed. And you will be miserable. It will be HIS decision of when HE wants to make changes. He is 46. I am guessing his eating patterns are pretty well engrained. This is now a FAMILY AFFAIR. Sign up for a family 5K. Or do these things as a family. This YOU/ME split is not healthy for long term resolve. I like the idea of removing all unhealthy carbs from the house....with the option for only the foods that will help him be healthy. He'll have to choose something- and it will be good. Portion control, on the other hand, is a whole nuther thing. Maybe you can talk him into joining MFP. There's nothing like logging that food to help you realize....kwim??

    Anyways- good luck with this and your marriage. Love your man. Support him. Let him lead the way.
  • harvo
    harvo Posts: 4,676 Member
    Simple solution....take him to a dialysis center and show him what happens when you don't take care of your blood sugar......If that doesn't work, nothing will....
  • ikearch
    ikearch Posts: 32 Member
    You're not going to change his mind, he has to. At his age he's set in his way and most likely stubborn. It's not an easy fix. I'd recommend less invasive ways to get him eating smaller portions, healtier and exercising. Ask him to go on walks or try "new" restaurants which serve smaller portions or healthier foods. Baby steps....
  • redredfox
    redredfox Posts: 76 Member
    You've only been married approximately two months, right? People just don't change overnight and become pre-diabetic and overweight. There must have been signs before you two got married, so take this all with a grain of salt. Did you think that you would marry him and could change him into a healthy dude right away? My husband and I (married 5 years next month) have already discussed that we need to take care of ourselves. Part of the reason that we love one another is that we are both healthy and work out. I love his rock hard abs and chest and would be pretty dissapointed if he let himself go; it's not superficial... it's just the truth. If I had wanted to marry an overweight, unmotivated guy, I wouldn't have chosen him. Bottom line, go easy on him. You can't change him but you can hopefully motivate him. If he is that untolerable and unhealthy, it will clearly put stress on your relationship. If he doesn't change, can you deal with that? Let him know that you love him more than anything and that you want him to live a long, healthy life. Incorporate small changes in your lifestyle. Maybe he feels overwhelmed and pressured. He might not even notice the small changes that you make to the food you cook or the fact that maybe you park the car a bit further from the store in an effort to get him a little extra exercise. If he cares about you and himself, he will realize how much his poor health is of concern to you.
  • loriq41
    loriq41 Posts: 479 Member
    Well, I have been married for 17 years and I ***** and moan about hubby but what it comes down to is "I knew what I was getting into"..plus, I have had to stop myself over this past year of weight loss to control my "high horse syndrome" meaning before this I was right along side him eating all the crap and not exercising and being unhealthy and the difference is the "light bulb moment" came on for me and my husband's did not. I cannot control what he puts into his own mouth and I am hoping that eventually he will see the light for his own sake but that is all I can do...I am sure it is very frustrating but reign in the anger, do what you have to do and perhaps you should wait to have kids with someone who has no intentions on getting healthy at this point..it would not be fun to raise this child on your own. Good luck girl! :)
  • MstngSammy
    MstngSammy Posts: 436 Member
    you give him your concerns, you tell him where he is headed especially with the sexual dysfunction, and you tell him you need him to take care of himself because you love him. after that you drop it.

    the rest is on him and hopefully he'll hear you and do what he needs to make his life better.

    continue to role model healthy behaviors and hopefully he will follow

    This. And do you think he realizes the severity of the health problems he is facing? So many people hear "diabetes" and aren't too concerned. They don't realize the seriousness of it.

    Do you think he does?

    I would have a meaningful conversation with him, without nagging. Yes you love him for who he is but you have legit concerns after seeing his labwork. If you get on the elliptical and he said, while you are on it, I will go on when you are done - do you thinik that you could jump off, let him go and then go after him?

    Try to find active activities to do together - walking, bike riding, etc.

    You can't and wont' change his life, opinion, or mind. You CAN however express your love and concern and wait for it to "click" for him and support him.

    Both of these ^^^^

    Gently express your concerns

    Don't push

    And try not to use negatives...I'm angry...disappointed etc ...because that's all his brain will hear and he'll tune out the rest. If he feels like a failure (my husband is this way) he may go into defeatist mode.

    Give him time. Give him love. Let it "click" for him.

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