Touchy subject. Pornography. Need advice.

I'm just curious, where is the line drawn between your partner wanting to try new things they've seen in porn and projecting "porn standards" onto you? what are these aforementioned "porn standards"? this is a genuine question.

Piledriver DP while loudly singing the German National Anthem.

I think that's a real porn. :laugh:

yeah, I'm not that creative lol.

Perhaps some men don't look at it because they know it's hurtful to their SO. This happens as well. It doesn't mean that "they're not allowed to," it just means that their SO's feelings are more important than getting their visual fix.

The only reason it is hurtful is because one lets it be hurtful...and that's usually in play with insecurity issues.

ok, so if you're SO cheated on you and it hurt you, it's just your insecurities? I mean, it's only hurtful because you let it be hurtful. All I'm saying is that some people do view porn watching as cheating. It's lusting after someone (although, usually unattainable) other than your SO. Not everyone views porn watching the same. To each his own.

Umm...your SO cheating on you is different from watching porn. I hope you understand that.

I don't think you read my entire post. I said that SOME people view watching porn as cheating.

It may come as a shock to some people, but there are many others out there who do not like porn and do not use it. There are also people who, for the sake of their SOs, keep a simple promise. This isn't about porn or not enough sex, it's about two incompatible views and a broken promise. And apparently also an ex from a year ago. Perhaps it's time to find someone who shares your views, instead of half-heartedly sort of putting up with them.

Really? So you have never promised yourself something, then broke it? The ex this is bad and yeah, if she doesn't like him viewing porn, then maybe she should find someone else. Good luck finding a guy that fits all of your criteria and also doesn't view porn.

All my criteria?? I mentioned not liking porn, keeps promises and maybe indirectly I mentioned doesn't mess around with his exes. That bar isn't set very high off the ground. Lol

It's interesting to me that people are telling her to get comfortable with it, accept it without question and even join in when she doesnt want to, but are totally shocked that she would dare ask him to be comfortable without it.

Like I said, incompatible. If it's a deal breaker, break the deal because he has already proven he's unlikely to stop, especially with so many people cheering him on.

She's the one with the problem. Sure, he shouldn't have agreed to no porn if he wanted to watch porn, but it's ultimately her problem. She can either make an attempt to be cool with it, or she can break up with him. You're absolutely right about incompatibility, but if they're going to try to work it out, she's the one who is going to have to try to change. Sounds like he either tried and doesn't want to or maybe he never tried and just agreed to stay away to avoid a fight. So OP needs to decide if A. she wants to be with a guy who will agree to things that will either make him unhappy and ultimately he'll fail, or he has no intention of doing in the first place. and B. she can get on board with porn. If the answer to either of those is "no" then she has her answer.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2153248/Men-look-porn-damage-partners-self-confidence--habit-break-happy-relationships.html

... it can honestly sometimes corrode the viewer's perception of sex and intimacy in general.

Agreed.

Because people either don't prefer it and decide to be controlling and push their preferences on others

There is some irony.

you'll get the misogynistic attitude that this is some how your fault or you are not acting as an appropriate receptacle for your boyfriend's seminal emissions. First, that's bull sh-t and please don't take any of that to heart. I assume he has a brain and some amount of empathy and is a fully grown responsible adult for his own actions?

What you're saying is that the relationship should be set by the lowest common denominator (the person with the lower sex drive.) Does it work the other way round or would asking a woman to supress her sexual urges to please her partners lower sex drive also be misogynistic?

Well I'm not sure that's it. Is 3 times a day not enough?

quality not quantity.

QFT

In my opinion, porn sets unrealistic expectations for relationships. I'm not doing that stuff and no one is paying me to. I agree that a couple needs to have the same moral grounds. If the OP is not comfortable with it then she isn't. That's how she feels. No one can tell anyone else how to feel!!

In my opinion, romantic films set unrealistic expectations for relationships. So if a guy isn't comfortable with chick flicks, can he rightfully ban them if the girl sets out to ban porn?

I hope so because this is a relationship, right? Equals and all that stuff.

I hate most chick flicks because of that. Lol

Bracing myself for the onslaught of "you're lying! You love chick flicks cuz youre a chick and you have all the feelings!!!"

So what if he watches porn? Doesn't hurt you, doesn't replace you, so what? No problem. I'd be offended and insulted if I were him and you tried to make him "promise" not to look at porn. Porn is, in my opinion, boring and uninteresting, but no harm to you.

No doubt I'll get a bunch of backlash for this, but I'm surprised that so many here don't see pornography as harmful to relationships. My husband is a marriage counselor. The problems he sees couples for are 1. Infidelity (either partner, but most often the man). 2. Pornography addiction (the male is addicted).

A lot of the comments I read on here were from men who seem to be somewhat defensive about the subject. Kind of 'A man will be a man' type of bullpucky. Men have every ability to control themselves if they want to.

I have a question beyond the obvious point that a marriage counselor only see's the worst case scenarios (kind of like a cop/EMT becoming jaded). Is the male addicted to porn or does the wife say he is addicted to porn?

So what if he watches porn? Doesn't hurt you, doesn't replace you, so what? No problem. I'd be offended and insulted if I were him and you tried to make him "promise" not to look at porn. Porn is, in my opinion, boring and uninteresting, but no harm to you.

No doubt I'll get a bunch of backlash for this, but I'm surprised that so many here don't see pornography as harmful to relationships. My husband is a marriage counselor. The problems he sees couples for are 1. Infidelity (either partner, but most often the man). 2. Pornography addiction (the male is addicted).

A lot of the comments I read on here were from men who seem to be somewhat defensive about the subject. Kind of 'A man will be a man' type of bullpucky. Men have every ability to control themselves if they want to.

But if they don't have an addiction to porn, do they need to control themselves?

Another big problem with couples is alcohol addiction in one partner. Does that mean that all couples should completely avoid alcohol? No. Only count something as a problem if it is a problem.

So what if he watches porn? Doesn't hurt you, doesn't replace you, so what? No problem. I'd be offended and insulted if I were him and you tried to make him "promise" not to look at porn. Porn is, in my opinion, boring and uninteresting, but no harm to you.

No doubt I'll get a bunch of backlash for this, but I'm surprised that so many here don't see pornography as harmful to relationships. My husband is a marriage counselor. The problems he sees couples for are 1. Infidelity (either partner, but most often the man). 2. Pornography addiction (the male is addicted).

A lot of the comments I read on here were from men who seem to be somewhat defensive about the subject. Kind of 'A man will be a man' type of bullpucky. Men have every ability to control themselves if they want to.

I have a question beyond the obvious point that a marriage counselor only see's the worst case scenarios (kind of like a cop/EMT becoming jaded). Is the male addicted to porn or does the wife say he is addicted to porn?

The men see it as a problem as well.

Here is an interesting read. From Men's Health.

http://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/porn-debate?fullpage=true

I'm just curious, where is the line drawn between your partner wanting to try new things they've seen in porn and projecting "porn standards" onto you? what are these aforementioned "porn standards"? this is a genuine question.

Piledriver DP while loudly singing the German National Anthem.

This is a classic. Excellent production values.

True statements:
1) He looks at porn.
2) You don't like him looking at porn.
3) He has lied to you about not looking at porn.
4) He will never stop looking at porn.

Can you live with a guy that looks at porn?

If you can't tolerate a relationship with someone who looks at porn, then you guys need to split (and prepare to be a spinster). Otherwise, you need to stop judging the guy and figure out how to make it work. Demonizing the behavior will only lead to him lying to you more.

It is really that simple.

So what if he watches porn? Doesn't hurt you, doesn't replace you, so what? No problem. I'd be offended and insulted if I were him and you tried to make him "promise" not to look at porn. Porn is, in my opinion, boring and uninteresting, but no harm to you.

No doubt I'll get a bunch of backlash for this, but I'm surprised that so many here don't see pornography as harmful to relationships. My husband is a marriage counselor. The problems he sees couples for are 1. Infidelity (either partner, but most often the man). 2. Pornography addiction (the male is addicted).

A lot of the comments I read on here were from men who seem to be somewhat defensive about the subject. Kind of 'A man will be a man' type of bullpucky. Men have every ability to control themselves if they want to.

But if they don't have an addiction to porn, do they need to control themselves?

Another big problem with couples is alcohol addiction in one partner. Does that mean that all couples should completely avoid alcohol? No. Only count something as a problem if it is a problem.

I spoke of addiction, because that is what my husband specializes in. IMO, viewing porn AT ALL is problematic for couples. Understanding that, yes, the man would be responsible for controlling himself.

ETA: Editing for clarity: Pornography effects men and women very differently because of the way our brains are wired. This is why pornography is geared toward men, and they are the ones who most often engage in it. Not always, but by and large. Of course, if a woman is engaging and it is a problem, she has the same responsibility. I only speak of the man originally because all of the posts saying 'Hey, a guy is a guy!'.

unless it's straight up an addiction (which is totally feasable), porn exists as a way to act out fantasies. shouldn't be taken personally that he enjoys it--why not join him....could be fun he's not "cheating" on you by looking at porn (unless he's on it all the time and neglects the actual relationship). i've enjoyed porn before.