Do I tell her she's gaining?

If friends can't be honest with each other, it's not much of a friendship. You were asked to do it - go ahead and do it.

Gently, of course.

Since she asked you to...yes you should. But just once. If she gets upset just remind her that you only mention it because that is what she said she wanted. Then drop the subject and don't bring it up again.

Okay, I'm baffled by those replies saying she should tell her friend. Why would it be anyone's responsibility to tell someone else they are gaining weight?

No offense intended to anyone, but accountability does not mean having someone else tell me I'm goofing up. It means I'm paying enough attention to my own behavior to see when I'm goofing up and take immediate action to remedy the situation if I so choose to.

Why would it be her responsibility? Because her friend asked her for help in the matter. Why not use all the tools we have...not just the things we do ourselves, but also the support of those who care about us. Sometimes we need a little push from outside forces...that doesn't make us weak, or mean that we aren't holding ourselves accountable...in fact, it shows strength and courage to ask for help...to admit that some things are easier with the support of others.

I'm sure the person is aware of the weight gain, but a supportive friend who says "I can see you're struggling...what can I do to help?" might be just what she needs to get back on track.

+1:flowerforyou:

You know your friend better than any of us so do as you see best.

I have a family member who lost a lot of weight last year. At that time, she told me to let her know if she started gaining again.

Well, she's gaining again. Do I dare say anything? Doubt she'll take it well and it probably won't change her ways.

What to do, what to do???

since you agreed to be her diet police, then you should tell her ONCE (be direct but kind, don't beat aroudn the bush) and then tell her "listen jane, I know this is about you and your diet but your asking me to let you know that you've started to gain weight put a lot of unnecessary stress on ME and I am opting out".

What to do, what to do???

Position it around asking her how shes finding maintenance rather than losing. Let her come to the conclusion herself.

Starting to think not to tell her. I don't think it was fair of her to put me in this spot in the first place. It's not my responsibility to tell her the obvious. She tends to put things on others a lot and this is just one of those things.

Well, it really sux to be you, doesn't it?

Here's the thing. If you do tell her, things probably won't go that well. But, they might.... and even if she's pissed at first, maybe she'll come around, when you remind her that she TOLD you to tell her.

But, if you don't say anything.... she is definitely gonna be pissed eventually... because once she gains enough, she's gonna come straight to you, and say, 'how the hell did YOU let this happen? I TOLD you to tell me if this was happening.'

So, if you tell her, you have a small chance of things coming out OK. If you don't tell her... eventually, it's going to be your fault, for sure.

What she was really asking was for you to tell if her if becomes *obvious* that she's gaining weight - because it's so, so easy to pretend it's not happening or that no one has noticed. Look at how many people on this site admit they were walking around in denial, thinking they somehow "carried it well" or "weren't that fat" until a long-avoided weigh-in or an unflattering photo opened their eyes. She sounds to me like a woman who knows herself well enough to ask for a little tough love.

+1

I would tell her.
I wish someone had told me when I started to gain weight back

I have to admit that I would not notice that I was gaining weight back. I did not own a scale until I decided to start tracking my calories, bought on because the sight needed my weight to calculate my maintenance number. I could not tell you the size of the clothes I ca currently wearing. When I see a top or pair of pants that I like, I try it on until i find the one that fits best then never look at the tag agian. Most times I remove the tag for comfort so I couldn't tell you the size if I wanted. Also because I live in an apartment the only mirror is over the sink. I think it was set by a taller man, I can only see my shoulders and up. It took an almost 50 weight gain before I noticed.

If she asked you to tell her then tell her. I'm sure she already knows. Do it in a way that lets her know you care and you would be sad to see her undo all the work she did. Offer to work out with her or plan a healthful menu together. If she gets angry remind her that maintaiing is harder than losing and she did ask you to help her. You can go far in "love".

Be direct.
Be caring.
Be helpful.
Be about your business.

You: I love you.
Them: I...I love you too?
You: You're starting to gain weight again.
Them: I...yeah, I know. I didn't want to think about it, but yeah.
You: Anything I can help you with?
Them: I...I don't know. Maybe. I just didn't want to think about it for a while.
You: I get it. Time to get back on the horse. Wanna come to Zumba with me?
Them: Nah, I'm gonna sulk for a day. Maybe tomorrow.
You: Okay, up to you. I leave in an hour if you change your mind.
Them: Thanks, I appreciate you not nagging.
You: No problem. We still doing that thing later?
Them: Yup!

At least, that's how it would happen in my head.

I have told a bunch of people (I lost track) that if I ever did something, just shoot me. No, I don't actually want to be shot.

Ha! My sister & used to say that to erach other all of the time. "If I ever get that big, just shoot me". By this point, I would be shot. I guess we aren't the best accountability partners.


Back to OP - I would want you to say something.

Starting to think not to tell her. I don't think it was fair of her to put me in this spot in the first place. It's not my responsibility to tell her the obvious. She tends to put things on others a lot and this is just one of those things.

There you go. You got it.

Okay, I'm baffled by those replies saying she should tell her friend. Why would it be anyone's responsibility to tell someone else they are gaining weight?

No offense intended to anyone, but accountability does not mean having someone else tell me I'm goofing up. It means I'm paying enough attention to my own behavior to see when I'm goofing up and take immediate action to remedy the situation if I so choose to.

Why would it be her responsibility? Because her friend asked her for help in the matter. Why not use all the tools we have...not just the things we do ourselves, but also the support of those who care about us. Sometimes we need a little push from outside forces...that doesn't make us weak, or mean that we aren't holding ourselves accountable...in fact, it shows strength and courage to ask for help...to admit that some things are easier with the support of others.

I'm sure the person is aware of the weight gain, but a supportive friend who says "I can see you're struggling...what can I do to help?" might be just what she needs to get back on track.

I think a point is being missed here. Support does not mean telling someone else when they've gained weight, or even that they are eating a certain thing, or not exercising enough. Support means you are there as a friend giving kudos, accepting them in their journey, treating them as you would any friend or person you love.

This is not the situation of seeing someone struggling. It sounds to me like the OP's family member wants a straight out "hey, you look like you're gaining weight." Why is that even anyone else's responsibility to say?