Ashamed of my self.

((((big hug))) It's probably the biggest cliche out there but "If you don't love yourself, no one else will." You have to work at being the most awesome, amazing, beautiful and talented you, you can be. It won't be easy to break the bad habits that got you to this weight but I guarantee you that once you do you will set yourself free. You have an amazing support system just waiting to work alongside you. Make up your mind to be healthy, it's as simple as that. Once you have the right mindset, nothing can stop you.

I read your post and others and agree with a lot of what is said. I've been in a similar position except that I didn't hit or exceed the 300 mark, came pretty damn close though. I'm also currently 44 years old, single mom with 8 year old son.

Set small goals, that along with portion size were the biggest things I learned at WW the several times I went. I try to reward myself with something non-food every 5% (that's an average of 13 lbs from my starting weight and of course as it goes down, then it gets lower as weight drops). The big ones for me, like my first 20%, I'm taking my son horseback riding. It doesn't seem like a big deal to most but a lot of the places around Vegas have a weight limit for their horses (250 lbs) and I literally just went under that today with thin clothes on and no food in my system. I'm awfully close to 10% and I think perhaps we'll go try some paintball or something similar.

Other things I can suggest is "trick your mind". Right now, your mind has that broken record of "you can't do this, you'll always be fat, or even you always quit". You have to re-record that broken record, give it messages of "you can do this, you are slender (thin, or whatever description you choose), you never give up". To do that you have to repeat it to yourself out loud, daily sometimes several times daily.

My real motivation is to be the best mom I can to my son, which means I have to be healthy enough to be there for him. I can see that his father is not choosing that route, convincing himself instead that he's not overweight (and granted he's overweight but not obese at least from physical appearance), or that his body isn't slowing breaking down due to age and not doing anything to strengthen it so it's up to me. I have other mantras that are motivation but when push comes to shove, it's all about making myself healthy so that I'm there for my son (mentally, physically and emotionally). My favorite other mantra is Doing it for the "Damn, YOU GOT HOT!". At the gym (thanks to Blogiates for this one) to keep myself going "Train like a beast, look like a beauty".

You can do this but you've got to take that first small step. Start logging everything, don't worry about staying in calories or macros, replace 1 soda a day with water (and if that's too big of a step than do it 1 soda a week and move toward replacing more of your soda with water). After a couple of weeks of that, start trying to stay within calories, add workouts and of course replacing more soda with water. Then take it further, stay within macros (fat, carbs, sodium and sugars), add more workouts and make sure you're logging them, make soda a treat not the norm. Each is a small step, break it down how it works best for you. Also, realize you're going to have bad days, you're going to have weight gains (had too much sodium or too little water, or even Time of Month) and make sure to take measurements because when the scale goes up but your measurements go down, then you know you're still on the right track.

If you need inspiration, add me as a friend. I'll be honest, I still take my boy to McDonald's and actually eat there. I eat things like Big Macs, or get a Little Bacon Cheeseburger all the way with BBQ sauce from Five Guys (if you've had Five Guys, you'll understand that order) along with their Cajun fries. I have milkshakes and I have a weakness for Chipotle Burrito Bowls. I just do my best to make sure I trained like a beast (hit the gym for at least 1 hour) if I have fast food, and I try to plan out when I'm going to be weak like that. Does it always work for me? No it doesn't but even on the days it doesn't, I accept my bad day and remind myself that I can always do better tomorrow. Some days I can even shorten it to, I'll do better for the rest of the day or in the next minute.

Lose the excuses and get on board the healthy train!

I'm so ashamed of my self. So ashamed that I've been beating the crap out of my self since I got on the scale 4 days ago and saw that number. When I was in highschool I always told my self it was one thing that I was already overweight but if I ever got up to 300lbs I would just kill my self. Well now I have a husband and child and would never do that but it's hard not to think about it. Pre pregnancy my heaviest I ever was, was 270.. That was around 18.. The post pregnancy around 20 I was 285 my new heaviest.. Now I'm 23 and the heaviest I've ever been at 307.. I just keep asking my self wtf happened? Why do I keep doing this to my self. I get so gung-ho to lose weight and excited and planning my weight loss and if I keep a steady pace when I could reach my goal weight.. Then I just quit. And it's not for lack of support or know how. I'm not stupid I know that I should eat fewer calories than I expend.. And I know cardio would really help me and drinking water instead of soda.. I know all of these things.. I mean hell my husband has a degree in physical education and is a wrestling coach he's like the master of quick weight loss (healthy quick weight loss they require hydration tests so it's not water weight) and he tells me all the time if I really want help he will help me.. I just can't bring my self to listen to him because I'm so comfortable with him.. He's offered to take me to a gym and get a membership and a personal trainer if I will stick to it.. I want to but I'm scared that they will want to push me too hard and I'll quit.. Like I always do... What the hell is wrong with me... I hate my self.

First, hating yourself isn't going to translate into taking proper care of yourself. You have to love yourself enough to want to make things better for yourself. Even your statement that in highschool you said you'd kill yourself if you reached 300 pounds shows a very twisted way of thinking, basically one that says obese people are so worthless they should be eliminated from the planet. That is not true. Like all people, an obese person is an individual, with strengths, weaknesses, talents, faults, gifts, and shortcomings.

So my first piece of advice is to stop hating yourself. You have good qualities. I don't know you, but I've never met anyone who didn't have some good qualities... and that includes a person I met who had been convicted of murder... so I know you have some good qualities. Look for them, write them down, read them when you feel like hating yourself. Ask for input from your husband, child, friend, and others who love you to help find your good qualities if you feel you aren't sure what they are.

Next, get the personal trainer or don't, that is up to you. You can make a change with or without one. Get the gym membership or don't, that is up to you, you can make a change with or without it.

All you really have to do to start is to begin eating at a deficit. You don't have to lose weight fast, even 1 pound a week will result in you being 104 pounds lighter after 2 years, which is better than continuing on as you have been. Take a walk every day and eat 1500-2000 calories, you will lose weight. There will come a time when you will need to increase the activity to keep losing, but worry about that later, just go for a 30 minute walk to start with. If you can't walk for 30 minutes straight then walk as long as you *can* and note how long you went, whatever it was do it for a week and then try to add another 5 minutes. Do this again and again until you are walking for an hour.

When I first started trying to get healthy, I was over 284 pounds, I don't know how much over because after seeing 284 I didn't want to get on the scale again. I know I went above that before I started losing. My whole body hurt. I was walking with a cane. It felt like it was a tremendous effort just to get up, shower, dress, and go to my chair. I hated my physical condition, but I still had some love for myself because if I hadn't I wouldn't have cared to change. My first "workout" was stepping on and off the Wii Fit board for 10 minutes. I did it very slowly because putting down my cane and stepping up was so painful, and keeping my balance was difficult, but I managed to keep going for 10 minutes. Believe it or not that was enough of a cardio workout to get me coughing, and coughed out a bunch of phlegm and junk that had collected in my lungs just because I was so inactive.

Over the next few years I lost over 70 pounds, I went from being disabled to being able to run, lift weights, hike, mountain bike and all kinds of other things I had been missing out on for years. Then, I let a bunch of personal stuff derail me and I gained all but 3 pounds of it back. After gaining it back, I noticed a few things. First, even though I was again heavy, I was still healthier than before. I was still able to walk, run a little, hike, swim, etc. Second thing I noticed was that I had no doubt that I could take the weight off again. That was 5 1/2 months ago. My ticker shows where I am at now.

Add me as a friend if you want support. You don't need a specific program or product to lose weight, you need to move more and eat less, that is all. There may be some DVD programs, or gym memberships, or classes that can be part of that when you want to include them, but for now just keep it simple and start to move a little more, take a walk. I will offer encouragement and support to anyone who is willing to log their food and activity and make an effort, even a small one, towards getting healthy.

If you do get a trainer, tell them your concerns about being pushed too hard. Most trainers do not act like Bob and Jillian on Biggest Loser. Many trainers will actually encourage you lose more slowly than you think you want to. But if you aren't ready for a trainer, just start walking!

There is a group on MFP for people wanting to make a change in the coming year. Check it out and join if you want: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/groups/home/17922-fit-for-2014 if not, still feel free to add me as a friend if you want some encouragement and support.

I think may you should talk to someone about why you're so afraid not doing what you want to for yourself. They may being able to help you deal with those feelings. Then you can kick the crap out of them with exercise and a new healthy lifestyle!

I literally cried when I read your post. I saw me and my 40 something years of being pretty, but fat. I never had a problem attracting friends and men, but.. I hated the fact that had to use a seatbelt extender in my car and on an airplane (wearing a coat or sweater to cover that fact up), that I couldn't keep up with my children when they played. That I had to shop at the BBW stores, that I NEVER wanted to take a full body picture.. the list goes on and on.

I am NO WHERE near where I want to be, and I still have so much to learn, but I do know that FEAR and being comfortable with being uncomfortable kept me at close to 300.

Try many different exercises and find a couple that you really enjoy doing. Then start with that. When you are enjoying what you are doing, it doesn't really feel like you are exercising. Don't worry about the food at first. Just move. Little steps, will lead to bigger steps.

Find YOUR place and space and go from there.

You can add me if you would like. I wish you much sucess sweetie! You can do this!

You need to believe in yourself. You're stronger than you know. Best of luck to you.

I love when someone said just like when you are on an airplane, you have to put the oxygen on yourself to help yourself before you can help your child. Put yourself first and make this a priority. Keep your eye on the prize and be mindful of what you are eating. We are in the season of overeating and it is a tough one. Try and stay focussed and take baby steps. Be kind to yourself. Commit to drinking lots of water and keep recording your food on MFP. You are worth it and your child is worth it to have a mom there that loves herself!
Good luck to you!

:flowerforyou:

Here is what help me and I hope it helps you. I first had to fall in love with me again. I had to realize and accept the fact that I deserve to be happy and healthy. Sounds like you have a great support system in your husband and super motivation in the fact that you have precious angels to be around for. I believe in you and know that you can do anything that you put your mind and heart into. How can I say that about someone I don't know..I can because I am you without the support of a husband. My daughter and neice are my cheerleaders and support. 76 pounds later now I have joined them. I will be praying for your success.!! One day at a time. If this day does not yield all the committment you desired it to have... try a little harder the next day. You can add me as a friend if you like.

Fast forward 23 years. What would you do if your child was telling you this?

Give up the soda and start walking. Baby steps. You're worth it.

See if your husband and kids will do it with you. I've found that having people around who know what you are trying to do, keeps you accountable. Get the family involved. My husband & I packed on a bunch of weight while we were dating and we decided together to get back to healthy. So, we go jogging on the weekends and take turns cooking low cal meals. We also aren't allowed to bring junk food into the house. He got me using my fitness pal which is the only thing that's helped me over the past 10 yrs.
Get everyone on a health kick -- its a lifestyle change. If you backslide, don't beat yourself up, just start out right the next day. Take it day by day and be patient. You'll feel like giving up and chucking the scale and then all of a sudden you'll drop that first 10lbs and that'll keep you going. It took me like 6months to figure out what combo of food and exercise worked for me. When I did, fat just melted off. Be patient and you'll be fine My weakness is snyders honey mustard pretzel bits. I have to avoid the chip isle because of them. don't worry, everyone has their thing they need to avoid.

I think you may be struggling with long term and not focusing enough on the short term. Do you think you could set your first goal at 299? Is that a reasonable amount to aim for, then you will be back below the life ending number?

It is the little goals that make the long term happen for most people. For me personally, I have to go day by day. I make a meal plan and set my goal to just stick to the plan today. Tomorrow I will reassess my goals, but today I am going to stick to the plan.

I do the same with exercise. At first I was aiming at very small amounts of exercise. One push up, a five minute walk, small chunks of exercise like that would get me going. Frequently, my 5 minute walk would turn into a 30 minute walk or longer.

MFP makes it fun to log exercise. Every calorie you burn is that much closer to a pound of fat lost. Even 5 minutes is better than no minutes.

Just make some small, attainable goals. Something like keeping under your recommended calories for just today would be a good start. If you go over, don't beat yourself up. That doesn't do any good. Giver yourself a hug and let yourself know it is okay and that you tried. Tomorrow you have another chance to try again. :flowerforyou:

I like this post. Choose what you focus your hard on!! I LOVE IT!

Ugh, I feel your pain... I had to hit bottom pretty hard before I was finally able to change. I was 546lbs when that happened.

The good news is that it sounds like you're either hitting bottom right now, or are pretty close, so... nowhere to go from here but up!

Best of luck to you. :flowerforyou:

You cannot hate yourself or be ashamed. This is the time for STRONG faith in yourself and DETERMINATION. I had my turning day too, it was when my Dr. told me I was in Kidney Failure because my body and therefore blood volume was too much for my kidneys and overworking them. I was in stage 3 and it wasn't looking good. I made a decision right then to change, and I did. Please do not think this is an eating thing, or a food thing, or a self image thing. This is straight up a brain and mental health thing. You have got to get your brain and your mental state straight before the rest can come into alignment. If you have the mental determination to accomplish this and turn your back on the bad stuff you can do it. I had to realize in my mind that I would die if I didn't do this, I would die if I eat that, I will die if I don't exercise. I was going to die. I had to make that sit in my mind and then I could face and focus on the body. Some people cannot eat certain things I know I can't. I do not eat, potatoes, pasta, rice or bread. Ever. No sugar or caffeine. But you know what I am thin now, life is wonderful and fun and I enjoy it all. Simply because I conceded to the fact and was able to say 'I can't eat that or I will die" and mean it and follow it. You can do it too.
Oh yes, I was a size 18 and only 5 ft tall.
I am now a size 2 to a 6 depending on brand. I love it. You can get here too.

We all beat ourselves up for one thing or another...for one it may be food....for another it may be for not studying harder. For me it was drinking beer and being on the verge of being an alcoholic. I tried so many things and no matter what people said or suggested, it didn't work. I tried only drinking on weekends, not having beer at home, etc...Then I would go right back to drinking a lot and would beat myself up.

I know it is not completely the same but a recovering alcoholic told me it will happen when I am ready. It gave me the focus that it WOULD happen even if not immediately.

By taking the focus off of thinking "I will NEVER stop drinking", it turned my thinking into "OK...it WILL happen and I shouldn't beat myself up if it doesn't happen today."

It took 6 months for that thinking to start action, but it did. I know not everything works for everyone but I do know it's hard to achieve anything in life when you feel down and beat up. I am praying for strength for you and for a clear, focused mind!!!! :-)