Weightloss causing Relationship issues?

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  • lyzmorrison
    lyzmorrison Posts: 172 Member
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    So tell him that if you could alternate nights going to the gym and cooking, you could lose the weight.

    ^^ This!

    I was going to say the exact same thing. Sounds to me like you need to alternate gym nights.

    But unfortunately, I think the issue is bigger than this. You know, you just can't do it all. You can't be responsible for all the meals, the $$ for the bigger home, the job, the kids, etc. You have to decide what you are willing to say no to. NO, I can't work overtime any longer. If we can't afford the house on regular hours, then we can't afford it. NO, I can't be scout leader next year. NO, I will absolutely not cook every night. The kids and I are having cereal. If you want to eat out, here are the car keys. Sounds to me like you need to find your voice and then stand firm. It may not be pretty, but it's not pretty now...
  • fannyfrost
    fannyfrost Posts: 756 Member
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    Agreed.....LOL! When our daughter was about 10 months old (she's 5 now)he started shutting down towards me, I think because she was out of the baby stage and more independent and therefore needs more attention so I am the one willing to get down on the floor and play he is not.....and I think he almost competed with my attention towards her.......but he literally checked out......we split for a month back then....then he wanted to be a family again and came back Mr. Supportive and things were great

    Fastforward to my son being 10 months old and it has started all over again......literally exactly the same attitude and lack of support. Completely Checked out.....i just can't get into his head to understand what is happening.....

    Jealous of the time you spend with the kid. Try making more time for him. My husband actually interrupted my daughter when she was little because he wanted attention, then wondered why she interrupted people.
  • lithezebra
    lithezebra Posts: 3,670 Member
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    Don't blame your husband. Ask him for help. You started losing weight together, and you've had some setbacks, like surgery. He doesn't necessarily know that the way things are isn't helping you lose weight.
  • ndj1979
    ndj1979 Posts: 29,139 Member
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    in...for more spouse on spouse weight loss sabotage..
  • happysherri
    happysherri Posts: 1,360 Member
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    I'm so sorry. Glad both of you are in counseling.

    I know I'm only hearing one side of the story, but sounds like my ex husband (the emotionally checking out part). Sounds like your hubby needs to share some of the responsibility. - cooking, cleaning, picking up and dropping off the kids, etc... Because EVERYONE should have some ME time!

    I know it's hard but try and eat as healthy as you can and exercise when you can (and do it for YOU)! I do videos at home a lot, I haven't been to a gym in years.

    Good luck
  • ndj1979
    ndj1979 Posts: 29,139 Member
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    you can still eat in a deficit and lose weight even if you are not working out ..

    as far as the working out thing..why don't yall switch up nights or something...?? Or you go to the gym on the weekends and he can watch the kids while you work out for an hour ...
  • Holly_Roman_Empire
    Holly_Roman_Empire Posts: 4,440 Member
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    Can you and your husband not just alternate when the other trains? Or maybe since he can get to work later you workout first and then he goes as soon as you are finished?

    This is what my husband and I do, and it works just fine. I work out Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and he works out the other days.

    The most important thing is to talk to him. Husbands can't read minds. If you haven't told him you need his support, or help, or whatever, then he's not going to know. Mine thought that he did a lot of work until I actually physically wrote a list of all the things I take care of in a day.

    ETA: There's a solution for every one of your problems. Eating out? Choose off the kids' menu or choose a low calorie dish. No time to work out? At least go for a walk during lunch and breaks at work. Take the stairs at work if you got them. I have a 8-pound weighted ball on my desk that I use to do shoulder presses and bicep curls on the hour. Yes, I do them! People look at me crazy, but guess what? My arms and shoulders are better than theirs.
  • socajam
    socajam Posts: 2,530 Member
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    I do know that he looks down on me, he has told me my weight gain is not good. I just want to turn into a 5 year old and say NO DUH!!! He also is on my about working overtime which takes 2 hours after my shift is over AND saturdays.....because we want a bigger house, and he is salary so he doesn't get overtime......

    We just started Marriage counseling last night, and I have said exactly what I'm saying in here, but when I say it he doesn't hear me, the couselor can literally repeat me and then voila! he hears him.....its frustrating! He is tuned out to my needs.

    I have been walking on my breaks and I feel ok about that. I love to use my dance games on wii I am going to start doing those when he leaves for the gym, I just know I won't be able to sleep afterward, that's a cause for concern....

    I have just started logging my food again, and I have to say I think my biggest issue is either NOT eating for more than 4 hours.....or my meals in the evening....when I would be happy about having a bowl of cereal and some turkey sausage, my husband wants a real dinner which requires either me cooking or us eating out.....i'm sorry but there are no healthy choices at the BBQ places here in KC....but if i don't let him have the food he wants he is a JERK the rest of the evening to everyone kids included....and its bc he basically starves himself all day and then eats 1500 calories at once at dinner......total sabotaging my eating habits.....

    Cook the extra meals, then take your dinner for lunch the next day; have something small or a salad when eating with the family. That way your heaviest meal is eaten at midday, not late at night. Do a exercise DVD or your wii when he leaves for the gym. Have that time for you and make the most of it. I also think you should leave off on buying a bigger house until all of these or the majority of these issues have being resolved.
  • jlturner386
    jlturner386 Posts: 65 Member
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    in...for more spouse on spouse weight loss sabotage..

    ??????
  • Briargrey
    Briargrey Posts: 498 Member
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    Glad you started counseling, because there's nothing really we can 'armchair quarterback' from here - there are 2 sides to every story, if not 3 or 4, and somewhere in the middle of all that is usually the truth. For example, saying your weight gain isn't good is a statement of opinion and doesn't mean he looks down on you. He could be worried, irritated, concerned, whatever.

    Best of luck on the relationship issues, and I hope it helps.

    On the weight loss - you can do this with or without his support, regardless of the schedule you are on. Calories in, calories out. Weigh, measure, etc all your food, everything you put in your mouth, and adjust your eating habits according to your schedule. I have to eat out about 60% of the time because of my job and when I'm home, my family often wants to eat out because they've not done it while I've been gone! So I learned quickly to figure out ways to make choices in restaurants that fit the health and weight goals I have.

    You can lose the pounds without exercising via calorie intake control. And you can always find some time in the day to do some extra movements whether it's just taking the long way to the bathroom on your break at work, a walk around the block during a lunch break, etc. You mentioned you were hourly, not salaried, which means you should have actual, regulated, timed breaks - spend half of each of those walking (outside, up and down stairs, whatever) and voila, you've added something in. Or do a free 30m workout from online when you're home.

    The rest - we can't really help you with. I don't want to get all outraged about a husband not helping you out when we don't know the relationship dynamics or story or anything, really. Good luck :)
  • socajam
    socajam Posts: 2,530 Member
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    Agreed.....LOL! When our daughter was about 10 months old (she's 5 now)he started shutting down towards me, I think because she was out of the baby stage and more independent and therefore needs more attention so I am the one willing to get down on the floor and play he is not.....and I think he almost competed with my attention towards her.......but he literally checked out......we split for a month back then....then he wanted to be a family again and came back Mr. Supportive and things were great

    Fastforward to my son being 10 months old and it has started all over again......literally exactly the same attitude and lack of support. Completely Checked out.....i just can't get into his head to understand what is happening.....

    Some times we as women seem to forget when we have children, we need to make time for your SO, you was there before the children and you expect hubby to be there after the children leave for college etc. Yes, jealously is here, but find a babysitter at least once a month and use that time for just the two of you, no kids, no phone calls, just you and him. The children also need to know that mommy and daddy need time together, it is not always going to be about them. When it is their time, they can have you 100%, but when it is mommy and daddy's time, they are going to have to find things to entertain themselves. The baby is young, but start now, otherwise this trouble will not go away.
  • osothefinn
    osothefinn Posts: 163 Member
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    Without knowing his side of the story I'm not going to jump on him, and even if I did he wouldn't hear it.

    No amount of exercise will make up for poor diet. Track your food and do your thing. I'm sure he's upset because he's working at it and he sees you as having checked out. Ask him to take care of the kids while you work out. If he does then you know he's supportive of you as long as you're working at it. If not then he's mentally checked out altogether.

    You know what you need to do, because you were doing it before. Stop the pity party and start doing it.
  • patols1
    patols1 Posts: 108 Member
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    so hear is what I would do. I would have someone else take over girl scouts which would leave a little bit of time for yourself. also as far as dinners go I have a 18 year old son and a husband. when they want to have a big dinner or go out. I either eat a small portion of what they eat or if they want to go out to eat then I make food for myself. also if your husband wants to go out to eat ask him to take the kids on his own so that you can workout and make your own dinner sometimes what I make them for dinner is not what I make for myself. they are not needing to eat the same foods as me and I wouldn't ask them too. this is my journey not theirs. I hope that you can find a compromise with your husband....do NOT give up.
  • blueskygbcn
    blueskygbcn Posts: 28 Member
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    you can still eat in a deficit and lose weight even if you are not working out ..

    as far as the working out thing..why don't yall switch up nights or something...?? Or you go to the gym on the weekends and he can watch the kids while you work out for an hour ...

    Ditto this! Weight loss is primarily from diet change. Exercise is very important for health and fantastic for well being and a bonus for boosting your weight loss, but chances are your weight gain is from increased intake. I've heard before that weight loss is usually approx 80% intake control and only 20% exercise. So even if you don't have time to workout, you should be able to still lose weight.

    Obviously that is a different topic than dealing with your husband. Good luck!
  • ndj1979
    ndj1979 Posts: 29,139 Member
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    in...for more spouse on spouse weight loss sabotage..

    ??????

    its a common theme on the threads...my husband is sabotaging me ...or is not fair..he is losing and I am not ...and on and on and on ..
  • jenniferrr127
    jenniferrr127 Posts: 44 Member
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    Instead of him going to the gym at 8 to workout, why couldn't you both do an at-home workout together while the kids are in bed?? There are tons of 30 minute ones... (t25, p90x3 just came out and only 30 minutes). I am sure you could do it together that way you are both working out and still managing time and best of all on the journey together.
  • ndj1979
    ndj1979 Posts: 29,139 Member
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    Instead of him going to the gym at 8 to workout, why couldn't you both do an at-home workout together while the kids are in bed?? There are tons of 30 minute ones... (t25, p90x3 just came out and only 30 minutes). I am sure you could do it together that way you are both working out and still managing time and best of all on the journey together.

    why would he work out from home when he can have access to a full gym??
  • tlab827
    tlab827 Posts: 155 Member
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    1. You don't need to work out to lose weight. You can just have a slight calorie deficit.
    2. When the kids heads hit the pillow. Take 20-30 minutes and do a workout. Just do it.
    3. Eat at your desk and use your lunch break to take a walk.

    I'm sure finding a balance is overwhelming but you need to step back, take a breath and find your balance.
  • sarahg148
    sarahg148 Posts: 701 Member
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    Can you buy a piece of cardio equipment for the house? IDK if anybody else suggested that, but you could get in your cardio while the kids sleep. I'm not a DVD workout person...would rather watch tv while doing cardio.
  • peleroja
    peleroja Posts: 3,979 Member
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    I don't want to start a war here, but you don't have to exercise to lose weight. Yes, it helps. And it's certainly the best route to health and lean muscle mass and all that. But it is possible, and for many people practical, to lose with diet alone. If you won't make time to exercise, you have to be more diligent with your diet. The calories have to go lower. You have to pay close attention to your macro and micro nutrients. If the calorie deficit is there you will lose weight whether or not you exercise.

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