MFP Confession Booth

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10 Honest Feelings from a Morbidly Obese Woman

1) I don't believe we are born hating our bodies or ourselves, but are taught to. I grew up as always being the 'fat girl', the one few kids in elementary school would be friends with because it would jeopardize their chances at being popular.

2) I used to love being outside as a little girl, and would rather be outside than in; I would stay out until I heard my Mom call me in for dinner, loving the way the sun felt on my skin and the wind on my face. Until I grew older, and was taught by my peers to hate myself, to hate my body, to feel shame for just existing. I slowly began to like playing inside; Inside, where i could hide my shame behind the four walls around me, Where those same peers who so ruthlessly made fun of my body and my name wouldn't have to be inconvenienced by being reminded that I was alive.

3) In my old house, in the bathroom, was a full length mirror. I remember the first time I really took the time to study myself in it, pleading with the mirror to show me the parts of my body that weren't worthy, so that somehow I could rip them out of me so that others might see me for who I knew...believed...thought...I was. The mirror never answered my pleas, never pointed those parts out to me.

4) I remember the first time I realized that a man wanted me, wanted my body; It frightened me. It was too new, too brash, too sudden, and yet I wanted it too. I wanted to jump headfirst over that cliff and feel what it was like to be wanted. I felt feelings I never knew existed roar into life like a newly built engine in a Ferrari turning over for the first time. And then he left, gone like another man I had once known, who had taught me that I was faulty from birth, that I was a mistake, that I was never wanted.

5) I began to crave that feeling of being wanted, sinking into a depression when I wasn't 'with' someone. I described many times how people didn't know the real me unless I was in love, as if my whole being was somehow lesser if I didn't have a boyfriend.

6) I began to turn to food to help me cope with my self-hatred; Food never turned away, never cringed at the thought of being brought close to my body; Food never told me that I was a mistake, never hurt me like so many others had. Or so I thought. Until many years later when my New Years resolution changed from 'being skinny' to 'being healthy' and I realized just how much Food was hurting me. How much I depending on food to insulate me from the world and it's cruelties, and it did just that, in a layer of fat that made my doctor let the words 'Morbidly Obese' roll off his tongue when speaking to me as a Senior in high school, who had just found out that her body had just turned a corner over 300 lbs. Part of me died that day. The little girl who loved feeling the sun on her skin, the wind on her face, the girl who loved being outside more than anything, died that day.

7) I have never had good judgement when it came to men. I almost wrote 'luck', but there is no luck in love, only judgement of character, whether true or faulty. I always chose those who 'wanted' me, who would take what I had to offer, who I thought would love me. And for a while I thought they did. Life was rainbows and puppies and sunshine that felt like something was missing; Until I found out that there was no love there, only use, like a favorite toy until it become old and stale to be thrown to the bottom of the toy box when the next greatest toy comes along.

8) I finally chose to stand up for myself when one of those 'men' tried to tell me what I could or could not believe. I told him I was 'Sorry, but this is something I have to do for me', as if choosing something for myself, perhaps for the first time ever, was something I should have been ashamed of, something I should have to apologize for. It felt like someone lit a match behind me in a pitch-dark room, only the slightest hint of light, the barest trace of the gloom lifting, but my eyes still saw it, and my heart and soul reach out to grab that light like it was life raft.

9) I chose more things for myself, and spent years 'alone' and didn't feel depressed about it. I learned that my self worth was not tied to how 'bangable' my peers thought I was, or how small of a size pair of jeans I could squeeze into. My worth as a woman was not tied to what I looked like on the outside, but how worthy I made myself on the inside.

10) Today, I love the sun hitting my skin, the wind on my face, and I love being outside on cool days where I can see that everything around me that I once thought was ugly is really beautiful. Today, I control what and how much goes on my plate, it does not control me. Today, I no longer hate my body; Some days, I even love it. Today, I can share myself with people and not automatically brace myself for them eventually leaving me. Today, I can hear people say that I'm 'Fat', and walk away like it doesn't hurt me. Some days, I actually mean it. Today, I don't see myself as being powerless over my life, I don't feel afraid to take chances for fear of failure or being hurt. Today, my loudest critics are not the other children in my class, but my own voice in my head. Today, I still feel that old addiction to food scratching at my door. Sometimes, I still let it in. Today, I have a mirror in my room and I look in it daily and tell myself "I Love You''; Some days, I even mean it.

Amanda

Oh, no...

@ bd0027 Go ahead and ask whynot5 out. From what I hear he's pretty popular, but I'm sure he will make room for one... or two more...