Punishment for my son. I need ideas!
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When they were little, I would give my kids "the blackout" ... Nothing electronic (except a lightbulb) for x amount of time. Small things would get a 2 hour blackout. Big .. maybe even a 48 hour blackout.
Now that they're in high school, they dont get the WiFi password of the day until homework is done.
This is a good idea.
The other thing I could think of would be going to school with him to make sure the homework gets turned in. One or two days of this might be enough.0 -
My parents had a grade/freedom chart. Down the left side it had all the things I did: watch tv, have tv in room, be out past dark, have car, drive car, play sports, go to friends etc etc etc. Across the top was GPA (from 0.0 – 4.0). Depending on what the freedom was, I had to maintain a certain GPA. I might only have to have a 3.0 to own my car, but I would have to have a 3.7 to actually drive the thing. Every quarter, we’d take my report card, figure the GPA and lay a ruler down the chart to see what I could and couldn’t do, what I was going to get or get taken away, how cool my life was going to be or how bad it was going to suck. I hated that effing chart but looking back I think it was an excellent approach. It gave a clear explanation of consequences vs. expectations. It was way better than having something happen, my parents get pissed and randomly select a punishment. I knew that if I didn’t keep my grades at a certain level, exactly what I was going to lose. It sounds like you’re taking his stuff away when he does badly. This only allows him to react to the sudden change and possible just get pissed at you instead of accept he did this.0
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LOL! We've (father = former Marine, me= former Air Force) already begun teaching my soon to be 12 yr old how to fold his shirts!Show him a pamphlet for a Military School and tell him if he doesn't straighten out, that's where he will be going.
One of my 6 year old's chores is to fold his own clothes!0 -
With my kids, if I needed a severe punishment, they had to be at my beck and call. They had to do EVERY chore and when I tell them to do it. None of this "I'll do it at xx time." If I needed something done they had to drop whatever they were doing and be there to do it for me. It cured them. They hated it.0
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Show him a pamphlet for a Military School and tell him if he doesn't straighten out, that's where he will be going.
This is the plot of Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure.
\m/ 0 -
As a seventh grade teacher myself, let me tell you that, unfortunately, this is normal. It makes me want to pull my hair out most days. I applaud you for wanting to step in but I also caution you because sometimes that can make it worse. I am by no means saying to just butt out because he needs to understand what the big deal is and needs to know that you won't just let it go. Set consequences and make sure they are consequences that you can stick with and ones that he actually cares about. Be firm and consistent. Also, and I am in no way saying you do this, make sure you're not just yelling at him all the time. All you're doing is wasting your breathe because it seems as if they develop some type of chemical in their brain at that age that just blocks an adults voice out.
There are so many things that he can be involved in at that age so you may need to find something that he likes and use that. Sports is usually one they love to get into at that age but if he isn't passing his classes then he won't be eligible.
Also, as a teacher, I thank you for being so concerned and involved. You would be surprised at the lack of parent participation these days. There are a lot that do but even more that don't so thank you.0 -
I would suggest that you check online if you can each day (or call his advisor / teachers if not) and find out what his homework is.
If you can monitor his homework this way, you can also see if it was turned in. Then the remedy for not turning it in would be you now go with him to school and ensure he delivers his homework to his teachers. Maybe only the threat of this would work, but don't make any threats you can't follow through.
While some of the other manual labor ideas are suitable for a lot of things, I like to keep the consequences close to the problem. This is about school, so keep it school related. Homework not turned in, no school functions. Failing or poor grades, no school sports (or no travel teams) or whatever makes sense according to what he likes to do.
Good luck!0 -
Have him write a short essay describing the benefits he hopes to gain by not doing his homework...
and he should read the essay to you after he completes the essay!!:glasses:
I had done this for certain infractions.
Although if you're looking for a nice manual task....scrubbing trash cans is a favorite of mine to assign! Or I would task him with mowing the neighbors lawn (disabled old guy). My neighbor would call me "I see you're pissed at your boy again, my yard looks great!" LOL0 -
Don't be a helicopter parent. There are natural consquences for him not doing his homework. He'll experience them and make changes. It's hard to sit back and let him do that but in the long run, both of your lives will be much better and less stressful.
The all-knowing, all-powerful Max
(pay no attention the man behind the curtain)
I agree, helicopter parents make life difficult for their children. Let him fail. What happens to you when you don't do something you are supposed to do.....there is a consequence. Let him learn about consequences. There is no better teacher than failure.
Are you serious right now? Providing consequences for your children so that they can avoid setting their lives up for failure is actually what a parent is supposed to do. Do you really think he will care if he flunks math now? He might care when he is 30 and flipping burgers, but not right now.
I am very serious.
Okay... so he flunks 7th grade because he won't do homework. You just cut his post-education options in half. Now he is in a class full of kids younger than him and he's pissed off so he gets the reputation of a trouble-maker that follows him through high school. Now the likelihood of him furthering his education is even more greatly reduced, reducing his potential future income. With the rate of inflation, it is pretty likely that he will not be able to make a livable wage... so now he must lean on you. At this point, it's too late to teach him responsibility and independence.
But hey... you didn't make his education a priority to you, and therefore, it never became a priority for him.0 -
I grew up on a farm...I didn't usually get things taken away because I was often too busy with chores to really use things anyway...HOWEVER...I never wanted to get myself in trouble because I had the "Respect Pile"
The Respect Pile just so happened to be the cow stanchion where they get fed, and needless to say things pile up quickly. My dad usually cleaned it out every other week or so with the tractor. If I did something, I was assigned a certain number of hours and handed a shovel, a wheelbarrow, and some muck boots the amount of time depending on the level of disrespect I showed. This was assigned on top of all of my regular chores. In addition however, I also had a reward system. If I did something well, got a good test score, did my chores without having to be reminded, instead of an immediate monetary award I earned RAOK chips (random acts of kindness). I could eventually earn enough to turn in for things that I wanted...a digital camera, clothes, etc...or I could turn them in for lessening respect pile time, or having the night off from chores. While the Respect Pile is daunting...I truly think the reward system is what helped keep me from getting in trouble. I wanted to please my parents and I wanted to earn those things...
I understand you might not have a cow stantion to use, but there are many things that are unpleasant to do around the house...or find something like a Horse Riding Charity/Therapy or a vet's office and have him go there to help for whatever hours he merits..they can always use "volunteers" to help muck out stalls/clean kennels, and that has the bonus of being something he could eventually put on his resume/college application as a "volunteer" activity.0 -
Send him to the coal mines.0
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My parents used to take my bedroom door off as punishment. Weird, but it did work. Hated not having that privacy. Also, when I was grounded I wasn't alowwed to stay in my room. I had to stay in the family room with them. I was also made to do community service, and spent saturdays at my church cleaning and helping with projects.
I was so stubborn, and did anything I could to get a rise out of my parents. He's just wanting attention. Don't give up on him, he's probably just as upset and sad as you are that this is going on.
ooh i would do anything to get my door back, thats a good one0 -
Show him a pamphlet for a Military School and tell him if he doesn't straighten out, that's where he will be going.
This is the plot of Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. \m/
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Yard work; (if he has someone to show him how) change the oil on your car next time it needs it.... you could have him change the tires too... not saying there is anything wrong with being an auto mechanic... but honestly... he'll be doing stuff like that if he doesn't stay in school. In COLD WEATHER.
Clean the oven... I hate to do that. You can send him over to my house to do mine too 0 -
Whip his *kitten*
/thread0 -
Just a clarification. I am an active and involved parent and I know what my son is capable of. I also know that he is planning on being an engineer, so he has ambitions to go with his abilities. Failure wasn't going to happen, but not getting something he wanted (honours), but had to work for, made a huge impact. Learning from our mistakes is hugely important. Mind you, he is only 13, so I don't know what the next few years of teenagerhood will bring. But so far, he has learned that hard work pays off and that his honours marks are all his own doing.
ETA: We are also rewarding his excellent marks :-)0 -
I didn't read everything but I have a 12 year old daughter and she started doing the same thing. Since I don't live with her it was difficult for me to enforce anything but every night I would call my ex-wife and ask if she had done her homework and if she hadn't she stayed on the phone with me until it was done.
Then we started having issues where she wouldn't turn it in. So now everyday she has to get something signed from the teacher stating she turned it in. If she doesn't then she sits at the table staring at her homework for the entire night. Nothing else!
To everyone saying take things away,etc while these may be effective honestly sitting down with your son and not moving until he does the homework will ensure it gets done. As for not turning it in, if I lived with my daughter or lived a little closer to her school I would go to school every morning and during class walk in and be like "Ok, class I'm here because my daughter won't turn in her homework. Can we please take a moment for me to turn it in for her?"
Do that a few times and I promise it'll be turned in.0 -
Threaten to go to school, with one tooth blacked out, curlers in your hair and mismatched holey clothes and eat lunch with him everyday he has late assignments. Promise to stop when he gets caught up.0
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As someone who was like that in school, and rather recently too. I can say taking things away, did not work for me at all. Just made me madder at my parents and want to do less to spite them.
For me, my counselor switched it up and started giving me incentive to do my homework.
Reward them for doing their homework, make homework a positive thing. (My dad tempted me with horseback riding lessons. if i did my homework, the right way for a certain amount of time, i got to go once. if i kept them up, i could keep going. It was an xmas gift, but he tied it into my grades.)
But before that point, My dad just made me sit in the garage and forced me to do my homework, wasn't allowed to get up for any reason until it was done, which, because most of the time i didn't understand the work, resulted in me sitting in a chair for over 12 hours often with a full bladder.... so i wouldn't recommend this.
(Also note, I missed a LOT of school for medical reasons, so I was quite often VERY far behind)0 -
Yard work; (if he has someone to show him how) change the oil on your car next time it needs it.... you could have him change the tires too... not saying there is anything wrong with being an auto mechanic... but honestly... he'll be doing stuff like that if he doesn't stay in school. In COLD WEATHER.
Clean the oven...
Good idea, find chores that your friends need to have done. Since he has some much time on his hand.0 -
Don't be a helicopter parent. There are natural consquences for him not doing his homework. He'll experience them and make changes. It's hard to sit back and let him do that but in the long run, both of your lives will be much better and less stressful.
The all-knowing, all-powerful Max
(pay no attention the man behind the curtain)
I agree, helicopter parents make life difficult for their children. Let him fail. What happens to you when you don't do something you are supposed to do.....there is a consequence. Let him learn about consequences. There is no better teacher than failure.
This is something that I'm learning to do with my 8th grader. He has similar issues but he's not failing. His grades have fluctuated between A's and D's since 5th grade. He's super unorganized and will not take any advice. He just nods and says okay, basically just tells me what I want to hear. He lies about his homework all the time or forgets, and never plans ahead for projects and reports. I have tried to help him but kids this age are smart and if they don't want to do something, they can usually find ways of getting out of it. Like "forgetting" important books or notes at school. I keep in touch with his teachers to an extent but I can't babysit him and talk to all of them everyday.
This year I decided I'm done stressing out about it. He is a smart, funny, sensitive kid and the best big brother to his little bro that I could ask for. I realized that during the school year, our relationship was constantly tense and he had become kind of withdrawn. He was getting depressed. So, I'm done. No more nagging. I will still keep in touch with his teachers to make sure he's at least passing. He will have to figure this all out on his own. He got into a really good high school for next year at which point he will sink or swim. All I can do is provide the opportunities and be a supportive and loving mom.0 -
Burpees
They work great.
No electronics including t.v.
Good Luck! I have 4 like that.0 -
Are you sure this is laziness? You know your son best... I'm just wondering if there's any sort of underlying cause.
* Trying to fail so he doesn't have to go to school for some reason (could be logical in a kid's head)
* Actual problem learning the material and perhaps needs help (we thought the same of my cousin to discover he was dyslexic, and simply jumbled type fonts helped tremendously)
* He's just being a rebellious pre-teen *kitten*? LOL
Ok, FIRST thing that needs to happen is this ^. I know I bombed the h#ll out of 7th and 8th grade because I hated drawing attention to myself as the smartest person in the class. I would intentionally fail a test just so I could show other students my test paper when they made the "well of course SHE got a 100" comments.
Altogether possible its just lazy and stubborn though. If so, I agree that a certain amount of helicoptering at this point becomes counterproductive. Consequences are important, but I would keep them at the report card level. In other words, it's HIS job to make sure he's achieving ____ grade by report card, if he's not, THEN the consequence goes in to effect, but checking up on every assignment and standing over his shoulder as he does homework, won't teach him how to take responsibility for getting it done himself or teach him how to build his own time management and study skills.
The one thing I haven't seen mentioned..... where's the carrot? The most effective behavior modification takes place when you use a system of both consequences and rewards. Sit down with him and have a talk about what his goals are, then build in rewards for when he meets those goals.0 -
Some of these answers are crazy!
Yes, punish him - BE A parent!!!!
Chores are not punishment but should be part of everyday life, why has he been getting a free ride??
What works with my son has been contacting his teachers and making sure all of his homework is sent home a second time along with EXTRA homework, you don't want to do what you have to, then fine....you will do that and more and I will sit with you until each question has the correct answer!0 -
Whatever you decide to do, please don't do anything that will humiliate him in front of his friends. Kids are so cruel it could do more than teach him a lesson, it can lead to serious psychological issues. How many times do we hear about kids who were bullied turning into school shooters?
I love the idea of changing the wifi password daily until homework is done and checked (make sure he has no data access on his phone) combined with meaningful manual labor to demonstrate the alternatives to an education. I know one person said she made her daughter carry and stack rocks. However, doing labor that results in something, like cleaning the floors, vacuum the house including moving all the furniture to get uber it (beds too), cleaning basement/attic, is more meaningful/ productive. I also wouldn't include something like walking the dog... Don't want any anger taken out on the dog besides that's one activity you want him to enjoy and want to do. I never punished the kids by making them read because I didn't want to make reading a negative experience.
And as one person noted, reward him when he does his homework.. A dollar earned everyday when completed without fuss to be saved for the game he wants or additional allowance.
Good luck, it's a challenge.0 -
I am going to add in with regards to take the door off. I worked like a charm with my daughter. Took all of 2 days for her to realize that homework (and other responsibilities at 15) were not an option for her and we weren't kidding0
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why are you making him do chores "for free"
that's what your job is a kid is- help around the house. I never got an allowance- I never got paid to do house hold work- as an adult you don't get paid to do house hold work.
You should get paid to do EXTRA work but not day to day maintenance work that needs to be done regardless. That isn't and should never be used "as punishment"
i.e. I got paid to pick up our huge *kitten* pinecones from our horse pasture but I didn't get paid for cleaning stalls.
That being said- what worked really well at our house- was sitting down at the kitchen table- set a timer if you wish- and you sit there and do the work.
parent reviews it- just to verify that it's done. If help is needed- help- but you are there- supervising and doing what you need to do and he is there doing what he needs to do and can't leave till the work's done.0 -
Have you ever watched this episode of the Cosby Show?
http://www.criticalcommons.org/Members/fsustavros/clips/cosby-show-budget-example
Might be an idea.
Is this the episode where they make Theo rent his room and Rudy is the bank owner?0 -
Thank you for this. I have had 2 of his teachers call and tell me that I need to be more involved and lecture me on consistency and consequences. It's very frustrating.As a seventh grade teacher myself, let me tell you that, unfortunately, this is normal. It makes me want to pull my hair out most days. I applaud you for wanting to step in but I also caution you because sometimes that can make it worse. I am by no means saying to just butt out because he needs to understand what the big deal is and needs to know that you won't just let it go. Set consequences and make sure they are consequences that you can stick with and ones that he actually cares about. Be firm and consistent. Also, and I am in no way saying you do this, make sure you're not just yelling at him all the time. All you're doing is wasting your breathe because it seems as if they develop some type of chemical in their brain at that age that just blocks an adults voice out.
There are so many things that he can be involved in at that age so you may need to find something that he likes and use that. Sports is usually one they love to get into at that age but if he isn't passing his classes then he won't be eligible.
Also, as a teacher, I thank you for being so concerned and involved. You would be surprised at the lack of parent participation these days. There are a lot that do but even more that don't so thank you.
I know this is normal middle school behavior. My daughter did this exact same thing, but she responded to losing privileges. My son is not. It is so bizarre!0 -
As far as physical punishments… my old man was the KING of creating hard labor. He didn’t just dole them out like a quick and easy chore. My old man had style. He purposely left bags of cement out in the rain to cure and harden. Then when I effed up real bad, I would have to take a sledge and break them up into rocks small enough to fit through a 4” hole he drilled in a board. The key to this punishment wasn’t the difficulty… it was that he basically said, “Son, you’re a dumba$$. You screwed up, got caught and now you’re getting punished. Here’s “the task”. I don’t care how many hours a day you work on it, how long it takes you or what level of enthusiasm you apply. BUT, when you’re done you’re done. If it takes you three days, you’re free in three days. If it takes 6 months, you’re in lockdown for 6 months. Let me know if you want me to bring the spot lamps out later tonight.”.
This was applied for several tasks. I had to relocate full length railroad ties from one side of the yard to the other. I had to move two truckloads of dirt from one side of the yard to the other using a wheel barrel and a shovel (twice). I had to relocate telephone poles from one side of the yard to the other and many many more, LOL. Looking back, this was awesome. It gave me a sense of being my own man, accepting my punishment and I’m pretty sure it helped with school athletics. I was doing cross fit before it was an actual thing.0
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