Punishment for my son. I need ideas!

My parents had a grade/freedom chart. Down the left side it had all the things I did: watch tv, have tv in room, be out past dark, have car, drive car, play sports, go to friends etc etc etc. Across the top was GPA (from 0.0 – 4.0). Depending on what the freedom was, I had to maintain a certain GPA. I might only have to have a 3.0 to own my car, but I would have to have a 3.7 to actually drive the thing. Every quarter, we’d take my report card, figure the GPA and lay a ruler down the chart to see what I could and couldn’t do, what I was going to get or get taken away, how cool my life was going to be or how bad it was going to suck. I hated that effing chart but looking back I think it was an excellent approach. It gave a clear explanation of consequences vs. expectations. It was way better than having something happen, my parents get pissed and randomly select a punishment. I knew that if I didn’t keep my grades at a certain level, exactly what I was going to lose. It sounds like you’re taking his stuff away when he does badly. This only allows him to react to the sudden change and possible just get pissed at you instead of accept he did this.

Hey everyone... I'm starting to understand my manfriend.


*vigorous jazz hands*

Don't be a helicopter parent. There are natural consquences for him not doing his homework. He'll experience them and make changes. It's hard to sit back and let him do that but in the long run, both of your lives will be much better and less stressful.

The all-knowing, all-powerful Max

(pay no attention the man behind the curtain)

I agree, helicopter parents make life difficult for their children. Let him fail. What happens to you when you don't do something you are supposed to do.....there is a consequence. Let him learn about consequences. There is no better teacher than failure.

Are you serious right now? Providing consequences for your children so that they can avoid setting their lives up for failure is actually what a parent is supposed to do. Do you really think he will care if he flunks math now? He might care when he is 30 and flipping burgers, but not right now.

I am very serious.

I guess if living in your basement/living room because he/she can't get a job to make enough money to support their-selves is a possible consequence you are okay with because you think making your child do their homework is to overbearing, this would be an excellent way to look at it. Trust me, I personally know a family with a 30-something still living at home with mommy and dada because school wasn't a priority to either of them.

As someone who was like that in school, and rather recently too. I can say taking things away, did not work for me at all. Just made me madder at my parents and want to do less to spite them.

...and this. I've learned this lesson with my son as well. Taking things away and making everything into a fight made him more spiteful and he would fight right back.

How about setting aside a time for him to do his homework and helping him?

I had to do this with my son. He absolutely positively would not do it if I sent him off to his room to do it. The 2 girls, totally different. They could be in their room with tv and/or music and do what they needed to do. My son had to bring his backpack to the kitchen table and work on homework while I fixed dinner. First day back at my house (50/50 custody with ex) he had to organize bc it would be a complete cluster from the week at his dad's house. He rode his bike to school, he got out at 2:30 and I got home with youngest at 3:30, he could hang with friends for 30 mins or so but he had to be home when I got home. He brought his things to the table and that's where he stayed until everything was done. His weekends were free until Sunday at 3. Meaning he could hang out, go to friends, have friends over etc but Sunday at 3 he had to be home, clean his room, do laundry and get his backpack ready for Monday.

I found by giving him SOME freedom he didn't balk at doing what he needed to do. But he was never good at being alone. If I sent him to his room, he'd inevitably be harassing the girls in their rooms and NOBODY got anything done.

If he had missing assignments from not turning things in on my week, he had to go straight to the house, no hanging out. That's the beauty of being able to check online and having open email communications with teachers. I LOVE it. I think kids don't so much. LOL!

Friday after school detentions were my teacher inflicted punishments for not doing homework. So was being kicked out of advanced math. My mom didn't punish bad grades beyond taking away privileges, and I had chores to do around the house regardless of my grades. When I got an attitude though, that's when I was volunteered to shovel horse poop for my uncle. I think I only did that twice before I fixed my attitude.

start rewarding him. you heard me.

don't go nuts and buy him an xbox one, but just start getting him things. why? "because you're doing so great at school." guilt trip him like a hispanic catholic mother.

Maybe punishment isn't always the key? You could try asking him what's making him not want to do his homework, kids can be under a lot of pressure at school and there are plenty of underlying expectations, especially for a pre-teen boy, that they have to live up to. For example, he will have a lot of pressure to be a "lad", which would involve not doing homework or showing any motivation within school and the best way to stop that is by teaching him that he's not going to be seen as a loser or "weak" if he does do his homework and that it will benefit him in the long run. If you deny him things without looking at things from his point of view then he will further turn away from figures of authority and will rebel even more.

I would teach him organizational skills. Help him to figure out why he can't remember to do his homework and what strategies for success he can develop to keep up with his stuff better. Consequences may be the motivation he needs to stick to his strategies, but basic time management and organizational skills are learned.

My son runs laps when he doesn't complete his work in a timely fashion. He also has a stop-watch that he sets to help him get tasks accomplished in an allotted time. These things have worked WONDERS for him and his grades!

Maybe you could have your son make to do lists and get them signed off by teachers and he only gets rewarded if it is all done.

Don't be a helicopter parent. There are natural consquences for him not doing his homework. He'll experience them and make changes. It's hard to sit back and let him do that but in the long run, both of your lives will be much better and less stressful.

The all-knowing, all-powerful Max

(pay no attention the man behind the curtain)

This is such good advice. He can get bad grades now, and it will not affect his chances for college. If you bail him out now, you may have to keep bailing him out throughout high school, and then what happens when he gets to college or, heaven forbid, a job.
Let him fail now
And, let him know you are there to help him when he wants to start trying -- with advice on how to apply oneself to a task, tutors, whatever.

Don't be a helicopter parent. There are natural consquences for him not doing his homework. He'll experience them and make changes. It's hard to sit back and let him do that but in the long run, both of your lives will be much better and less stressful.

The all-knowing, all-powerful Max

(pay no attention the man behind the curtain)

I agree, helicopter parents make life difficult for their children. Let him fail. What happens to you when you don't do something you are supposed to do.....there is a consequence. Let him learn about consequences. There is no better teacher than failure.

Are you serious right now? Providing consequences for your children so that they can avoid setting their lives up for failure is actually what a parent is supposed to do. Do you really think he will care if he flunks math now? He might care when he is 30 and flipping burgers, but not right now.

I am very serious.

Okay... so he flunks 7th grade because he won't do homework. You just cut his post-education options in half. Now he is in a class full of kids younger than him and he's pissed off so he gets the reputation of a trouble-maker that follows him through high school. Now the likelihood of him furthering his education is even more greatly reduced, reducing his potential future income. With the rate of inflation, it is pretty likely that he will not be able to make a livable wage... so now he must lean on you. At this point, it's too late to teach him responsibility and independence.

But hey... you didn't make his education a priority to you, and therefore, it never became a priority for him.

I do agree that there are some instances where a kid needs to fall down and learn to get up on his own. Letting them fail at certain things does teach life lessons. But education, IMO, is not one of them. My son was notorious for not doing his homework. He would tell my husband and I, "I know it. I know I know it and I don't have to prove to anyone else I know it." Uh. Yes, you do. We pointed out that there were things in our jobs we had to do that we thought were silly too, but we still have to do them. That's life. Suck it up and do it.

Each kid has to learn in their own way. My son is now 17 and does all his homework without being told. You have to figure out a way to reach him because each kid is different and only you know your kid.

But I disagree that now is the time to let him fail 7th grade math. That life lesson is for different circumstances.

I saw a video on FB that showed a parent going to school with their daughter who was acting up in class--went to every class with her and sat thru each of her classes until she straightened up and started taking school seriously. How embarrasing to have a parent there all the time!

Don't know if you're in a position to be able to do that...but I sure wish I would have thought of that when my daughter was in school!

This is a horrible thing to do to a kid. My mother did it to me and I hated her for it. I know that shaming your kids is all the rage right now and people think it's great but it's not. Publicly shaming your children is cruel and base. It was a turning point in my previously good relationship with my mother and I didn't trust her for years.

Okay, serious answer time. I completely agree with the people who said to set aside time to sit down with him. Maybe kids that age don't want help from mom or dad and maybe he doesn't even need it. But it's likely he won't ask for it if he does and the only way you'll know is if you try. Kids do need and even want structure (whether or not they know it) so set times and standards for homework and study is a must. I'm a HUGE fan of positive reinforcement but it doesn't work unless it's something important to him. I mentioned the monetary thing my parents did for me. It wasn't at all important to me in middle school but was super important to me once I was in high school, so at that point it did start working. Maybe he gets home, does his homework, you review with him, and then he gets the wifi password for the day, assuming he doesn't need it for homework. Or his xbox controller or cell phone or whatever. Good luck, Sarah!

I went with a few approaches...

1. I let him fail. I knew I couldn't force it to get done, short of sitting with him all day, every day, and I wasn't going to do that.
2. I explained the consequences of failure from the schools (such as having to retake the class, teachers and parents nagging him, etc. I put it in long-term and short-term categories. I knew he wouldn't listen much to either, but repetition sometimes sinks through)
3. I explained the short-term and long-term consequences of failure at home. My kids got lectures on grades if they got Cs (because they were capable of As and Bs) and groundings at Ds and below.

Some of my at-home consequences:
1. No electronics for a defined period (typically dependent on improvement of grades. Small, incremental steps upward got small, incremental returns)
2. Reduction or elimination of social activities
3. Long-term grade failure = long-term removals of items loved, such as being in band, after school sports, etc.

I did my best not to helicopter it at all, because I know sometimes you have to let them fail. It'll suck, and they'll hate it, but they'll learn eventually.

One of my four had serious issues with this up through sophomore year then pulled it together. Two of mine rarely if ever had any issues like this. The fourth sometimes did but always listened and turned it around.

For the one that had ongoing issues with it, we learned not to over-punish otherwise we were in lockdown mode all the time and it was exhausting on us. But we set clear expectations and requirements, and we made sure they knew we were there to help with homework questions or just general guidance, and we then had consequences for failing to meet requirements. When he found something he loved (track), he suddenly didn't want to risk not doing it, so he pulled it together. Then he grew up a bit, realized he did want to go to school, and while he still struggled at times, he actually listened and made an effort, so punishments went away. In junior high though, he needed restrictions and consequences both at school and at home.

I haven't read all the replies but generally speaking reward systems are more effective for changing behaviour than punishment. You could combine the two but he is more likely to be enthusiastic about doing work if there is something in it for him. So for example if he completes his homework every day for a week then do something that he really enjoys at the weekend. When he starts doing that regularly make it more difficult so that he has to complete it every day for two weeks and so on.
If you are going to use punishment then I wouldn't punish him for low grades unless you know for a fact that he is able to do better in that particular subject. Imagine how stressful is would be for him to be coerced into getting a good grade in a subject which he finds very difficult.

This is a good point too. When negative reinforcement doesn't work, positive reinforcement usually will. Maybe you can promise him a weekend activity if his teacher reports that he turned in his homework every day.

Okay so if punishing him by removing things from him don't affect change, then it's not going to matter what you take away, or make him do. He's in that stage where he's trying to find where he "fits". In my classroom there are many students who don't do their homework and the natural consequence to that is failing or not passing. Is he overall failing his classes, or is it just the homework that has you so upset? Here's why I ask, do you know really why he's not doing his homework? Do you have a structured time when he is to sit down and do it, with you or someone else around to ensure that he's actually doing it? Is there a specific class he's not doing it in? He is obviously not motivated to do it, but there has to be a reason why. If taking things away doesn't work, then look at his aspect, what can you do to ensure he is successful? What does he want to do later in life? Does he have any short term/long term goals? For the classroom if there are a large number of students who aren't doing their homework, then there is a system set in place where the students pick a goal, with a preferred choice of reward. LET HIM pick the reward, like earning back x, or going to somewhere cool, or having friends over etc. Then as he becomes more successful, increase the goal expectation gradually removing the rewards and this whole time, express the respect and admiration he should be getting not only at home, but the pay off of good grades. At the beginning of each school year, my own children set goals, especially for the end of the school year. You must allow him to see that setting goals and reaching them is a reward all in itself without giving him something if that makes sense. Talk to the teachers, see if there are also other behavior concerns at school. Consistent conversation would be beneficial from teacher to you, so you know what the homework is, and when it's due. Don't hold just yourself accountable, but also your son and his teachers. School doesn't have a positive reward system for students who make progress or are successful? Every small step towards a goal is setting a path of success and good planning as an adult.

My parents had a grade/freedom chart. Down the left side it had all the things I did: watch tv, have tv in room, be out past dark, have car, drive car, play sports, go to friends etc etc etc. Across the top was GPA (from 0.0 – 4.0). Depending on what the freedom was, I had to maintain a certain GPA. I might only have to have a 3.0 to own my car, but I would have to have a 3.7 to actually drive the thing. Every quarter, we’d take my report card, figure the GPA and lay a ruler down the chart to see what I could and couldn’t do, what I was going to get or get taken away, how cool my life was going to be or how bad it was going to suck. I hated that effing chart but looking back I think it was an excellent approach. It gave a clear explanation of consequences vs. expectations. It was way better than having something happen, my parents get pissed and randomly select a punishment. I knew that if I didn’t keep my grades at a certain level, exactly what I was going to lose. It sounds like you’re taking his stuff away when he does badly. This only allows him to react to the sudden change and possible just get pissed at you instead of accept he did this.

THIS ^^^ is textbook. Clearly defined consequences and rewards. No question of fairness because everything is established before hand. The child, not the parent, is responsible for developing the correct work ethic approach. About the only thing that could make this more effective from a behavioral standpoint is to sit down with the kid before hand and have THEM help you develop the the consequences and rewards and levels on the chart. Might I suggest researching GPA requirements with them for the careers they are interested in (someone mentioned engineering).