Punishment for my son. I need ideas!
Replies
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My dad had some creative punishments.
Off the top of my head:
Doing the "dying cockroach" while he drilled me about what I did wrong
Wearing an armband made out of a tube sock with what I did wrong on it (liar, etc)
Sitting on a bench by the back door/just inside and telling everyone who came by what I did wrong. I just had to sit there and then tell my story. Back then we had kind of a lot of visitors on weekends so it sucked.
Reading some book out of his collection he assigned me (History of Ford, Randy Weavers account on the happenings at Ruby Ridge, misc stuff by Bo Gritz) and writing a book report. This happened more than once as you can tell and was usually coupled with manual labor and house arrest. I was allowed computer etc, but I couldn't go anywhere and the labor would go on until I was done with the book report.
Physical tasks:
Sweeping the driveway
Powerwashing the driveway
Detailing cars
Laying giant chunks of broken concrete in the mud to make a "road" to the back of the 4acre property
Splitting logs
Dragging/burning brush0 -
Make him volunteer at a homeless shelter or soup kitchen. In this economy not having an education likely means not having a job and not being able to support a family. Let him see how those people live - let THEM tell him their story. Coming from you it's "blah blah blah" Mom's exaggerating to make me do what she wants. Seeing it for himself lets their be no denial.0
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OP - you should have your son create an account here and then direct him to spend the day replying to nothing but detox and cleanse threads.
Problem solved.0 -
This happened with my son too. But for him, it was 8th grade.
He is a pretty good kid, but got overwhelmed with the changing classes every hour and managing all those different assignments. He was getting a few Cs and a few Ds. He was previously an A student.
I have the opposite recommendation to the other folks weighing in....
I first visited all his teachers to find out why he was behind, and how we could resolve it. This had the consequence of totally embarrassing him. Because it was in front of his cool friends. Then he had to write a letter of apology to the principal, and beg to be allowed to stay in soccer. He had to write a contract, or they would have kicked him out.
Then my husband had to teach him how to make a big spread sheet to log all his assignments. Every week he got a new copy for the week, and we got one. We made sure everything was checked off once a week.
This is the hardest part: Either myself or husband sat at the kitchen table with him while he did his homework. For 3 hours sometimes!!! But we have laptops, and kind of did our own work while he did his.
Now he is sooooo much better at managing all his work, following a spreadsheet, asking teachers for more information, etc. He is getting all A's and one B in 9th grade.
For him, he just did not have the skills or emotional maturity to deal on his own. Boys can be like that.
Good Luck! Hang in there. Parenting is not for the faint-hearted!0 -
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:OP - you should have your son create an account here and then direct him to spend the day replying to nothing but detox and cleanse threads.
Problem solved.
Only problem, he'd have to be 18+ hehehe.0 -
I would go to school with him for a day in your pajamas & go class to class with him. Tell him either he does his work or you'll keep doing things to embarrass him
That would just humiliate me if I did that to my children!0 -
So one question to everyone suggesting positive reinforcement. I've read a couple places that this can be dangerous too, as kids will start expecting to be rewarded for everything, which certainly isn't the way life works. Any one ever run into that issue?
I expect to be paid at work.
Okay. A little joke, but if punishment isn't working then it is time to consider other options, rather than just getting more creative with punishment. Kids aren't easy to raise, there are a variety of tools available, and as others have said, each of us has to figure out the combination that works for our own kids. They are certainly not all the same.
but you don't get expect to get paid to maintain your dwelling do you?
nope- dishes- laundry- all these things must be done anyway.
he's part of the house- then they are part of his problem too. I have no issue paying for outside things that aren't house maintance- but paying for stuff that needs doing- trash- laundry- sweeping vacuuming whatever- nope nope nope nope.0 -
How about setting aside a time for him to do his homework and helping him?
My oldest son, now 13, has had trouble with school since the first grade. He has trouble with reading comprehension and attention span. ADD/ADHD was ruled out, I think the distractibility comes from getting overwhelmed with the work and shutting down. I had him in private tutoring for two years when the school stopped providing extra assistance with reading in the upper elementary grades (budget cuts), had him stay after school for study hour (he does better in a more structured environment with on-on-one assistance available although I do help him at home as well), and Saturday school. This summer, he will be attending a private summer school program to prep him for high school next year.
I see no benefit in punishing him or letting him fail.0 -
I love this thread. There are a lot of good ideas on here and it's always nice to know you're not the only one going through something hard.0
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Sit down with his every night and make sure that he does his homework. Do it with him if that is what is needed.0
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Friend me if you need someone to commiserate with! I have a 15 year old son, and a 13 year old daughter. Verrrry tricky!0
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:OP - you should have your son create an account here and then direct him to spend the day replying to nothing but detox and cleanse threads.
Problem solved.
Only problem, he'd have to be 18+ hehehe.
With parental supervision, of course - and after one day he would rage quit and run back to his homework anyway.0 -
Take him with you to the drugstore to buy tampons. When you get there, tell him you're staying in the car and give him the cash to buy them.
My Mom actually did that one to me, did you know her?? This one is just wrooonnnngggggggggggggg..... lol...........0 -
So one question to everyone suggesting positive reinforcement. I've read a couple places that this can be dangerous too, as kids will start expecting to be rewarded for everything, which certainly isn't the way life works. Any one ever run into that issue?
That kind of IS how life works, though. Generally doing what you are supposed to yields a positive result. I go to work and I get paid for it. If I don't go to work eventually I'll get fired and I have no money. I exercise and my body looks and feels better. I sweep the floors in my apartment and I don't have to feel grit under my feet. I put effort into cooking dinner and I get something nice to eat. The rewards may not be great, they may not be immediate. You may not always get a reward. But, yes, in the "real world" people do things for some type or reward, compensation or benefit.
He's just a kid, so he may need something like being able to play video games, go to a movie or have a friend over to motivate him right now. Eventually he will grow and mature and he SHOULD be motivated by knowing he has done a good job, having more interesting work to do, getting scholarships, being able to go to a better school, get a good internship, etc.0 -
Don't be a helicopter parent. There are natural consquences for him not doing his homework. He'll experience them and make changes. It's hard to sit back and let him do that but in the long run, both of your lives will be much better and less stressful.
The all-knowing, all-powerful Max
(pay no attention the man behind the curtain)
Yep.0 -
Perhaps giving him a goal to work TOWARDS may be more motivating to him? Is there something he really wants or could get excited about? IT only happens if he does his work AND hands it in. Start small, one week at a time, and then have a grand goal at the end. I have a 7 yr old who is difficult, and we have taken things away as punishment, but nothing motivates that boy more than getting something he REALLY wants. For a friend over for the day, he will do anything I ask without complaint Mon-Friday.
I find rewards for the hard work is sometimes more motivating, that may be just me though...We used to get money for the grades on our report card when I was a kid. (Back in the day) $5 for each A meant a shiny new toy that "I" was able to buy all by myself... This may be a good time to teach him about setting goals and working towards them.0 -
I have the same issue with my son. If he doesn't do his school work or forgets to hand it in, then I create more home work for him to complete. Before Christmas break I got an email that my son didn't complete his book report. So I made my son sit and write a book report even though it was already too late to turn it in, at least he still did the work and hopefully learned something from it. You can't always make sure he's doing what he needs to do when he needs to do it, but you can always follow up and make him do it even if it's too late for his teachers. The extra chores and removing entertainment is just the added bonus to not completing his work on time.0
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So one question to everyone suggesting positive reinforcement. I've read a couple places that this can be dangerous too, as kids will start expecting to be rewarded for everything, which certainly isn't the way life works. Any one ever run into that issue?
I expect to be paid at work.
Okay. A little joke, but if punishment isn't working then it is time to consider other options, rather than just getting more creative with punishment. Kids aren't easy to raise, there are a variety of tools available, and as others have said, each of us has to figure out the combination that works for our own kids. They are certainly not all the same.
but you don't get expect to get paid to maintain your dwelling do you?
nope- dishes- laundry- all these things must be done anyway.
he's part of the house- then they are part of his problem too. I have no issue paying for outside things that aren't house maintance- but paying for stuff that needs doing- trash- laundry- sweeping vacuuming whatever- nope nope nope nope.
I agree with this to a point. I reward myself for the hard work of losing weight, it motivates me. Sometimes things that aren't "fun" need a little more motivation to get you to do them. Everyone is different!0 -
So one question to everyone suggesting positive reinforcement. I've read a couple places that this can be dangerous too, as kids will start expecting to be rewarded for everything, which certainly isn't the way life works. Any one ever run into that issue?
I expect to be paid at work.
Okay. A little joke, but if punishment isn't working then it is time to consider other options, rather than just getting more creative with punishment. Kids aren't easy to raise, there are a variety of tools available, and as others have said, each of us has to figure out the combination that works for our own kids. They are certainly not all the same.
but you don't get expect to get paid to maintain your dwelling do you?
nope- dishes- laundry- all these things must be done anyway.
he's part of the house- then they are part of his problem too. I have no issue paying for outside things that aren't house maintance- but paying for stuff that needs doing- trash- laundry- sweeping vacuuming whatever- nope nope nope nope.
Are you saying you wouldn't tie an allowance to chores?0 -
Take him with you to the drugstore to buy tampons. When you get there, tell him you're staying in the car and give him the cash to buy them.
BAAHAAAHAHHAAAA0 -
You've been given a lot of ideas, positive and negative, to try to motivate him and modify his behavior. You know him best so you'll best at figuring out which will work for your son. All I can add is...perhaps first take a step back and make sure that the school work is appropriate (not too easy, and not so hard that he truly can't manage). If the material that others his age are managing isn't appropriate for you son it will be essential for you to partner with his school (teachers, principal, counselor, etc.) to figure that part out so that he can be successful. Second, if you haven't already, take him to see his pediatrician. Sounds like he is struggling to remember things, stay focused and on task, have appropriate social interactions with his peers and the adults in his life....his pediatrician can help you rule out things like illness, adhd, depression etc that could be causing him to struggle. Once you know for sure he's healthy and able then make your decisions and plan how you will guide and teach him about life, choices, and consequences. It's hard to parent teens, hang in there...he's depending on you still!0
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How about setting aside a time for him to do his homework and helping him?
Teens and tweens don't want mom and dad helping them with their homework. He will just start lying to her and saying he doesn't have any. Besides, at that age, they need to learn how to work independently.
Sure. Just keep coming up with cool punishments and watch him fail. I went down this road as a kid. Then there was military school and set study hours and tutors. The set study hours and tutoring did what all the punishments in the world couldn't. I'm seeing the same issues with my own kids. Kids need structure and guidance. He can learn to work independently in high school and college, but he has to get there first.
Great advice! Kids (and yes, teenagers, but in different ways...) need structure and guidance.
My thoughts:
His "misbehaving" or whatever should not be seen as something to "punish." There should be consequences (logical consequences that fit the behavior) and above all the situation should be seen as a learning opportunity... it can take a while to figure out the right approach for the individual child, but there is something that needs to be taught by an adult, and something that needs to be learned by the child. Try to think about what the child is trying to either gain or avoid, and help the child to meet his needs in a more appropriate way. (ex: gaining attention through negative behaviors? ignore the smaller negative behaviors and provide Lots of kind attention to the positive behaviors that you want to see more of). Go deeper than just saying "he's avoiding homework" - think about feelings. Is it hard for him, and he's avoiding feeling embarassed or dumb? Is he having social problems in school and all things school related are very negative for him due to being related to a socially painful situation? Addressing the feelings will help lead to changes in the behavior.
Consider having an honest discussion about the problem with your child, but NOT right when there's a problem. Have the discussion in a neutral or positive time and setting so that both of you are less likely to be angry/defensive and more likely to have a good discussion. Let him know your concerns (what concerns you, and why... as it relates to his well-being and happiness), and ask him to brainstorm with you ways to help him be more successful (have several ideas you can present in case he starts off drawing a blank... after school tutoring, you attending class with him, or the two of you having a specific time block set aside each day to work on homework are three possible suggestions that sound helpful and not vengeful - you could have those ideas in your back pocket to suggest). People are much more likely to stick with something when they've helped come up with the plan.
Often schools have school counselors, school psychologists, sometimes behavioral health specialists, and other professionals who parents can request to consult with in order to come up with age and individual-needs appropriate interventions and teaching / behavioral modification techniques. Maybe seek out assistance? It can be sooooo helpful sometimes to get assistance from an outside resource :-)0 -
So one question to everyone suggesting positive reinforcement. I've read a couple places that this can be dangerous too, as kids will start expecting to be rewarded for everything, which certainly isn't the way life works. Any one ever run into that issue?
I expect to be paid at work.
Okay. A little joke, but if punishment isn't working then it is time to consider other options, rather than just getting more creative with punishment. Kids aren't easy to raise, there are a variety of tools available, and as others have said, each of us has to figure out the combination that works for our own kids. They are certainly not all the same.
but you don't get expect to get paid to maintain your dwelling do you?
nope- dishes- laundry- all these things must be done anyway.
he's part of the house- then they are part of his problem too. I have no issue paying for outside things that aren't house maintance- but paying for stuff that needs doing- trash- laundry- sweeping vacuuming whatever- nope nope nope nope.
But there's still a reward to that! If I do dishes I have clean dishes to eat from. If I do laundry I have clothes that smell nice and I know I have something cute to wear. Sure, it's not super fun time, but you get something out of it.0 -
He's got it good. My 10 year old and 13 year old girls do those chores as well as homework. But I do try to sit with them while they do their homework to help them or to make sure they understand it. Is he getting tons of homework? Is it a case of homework overload where he always has tons of homework?0
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My 12 year old son has decided that, now that he's in 7th grade, he knows everything and no longer needs to do his homework.
Ok, not really. He's just doing that stupid pre-teen, hormone-driven thing where half the time they don't do their homework and the other half of the time they do it, but forget to turn it in.
I have taken away everything I can think of. The kid has no life anymore. I am out of things to take away unless I'm going to start denying him necessities such as food and shelter--which I haven't ruled out entirely if this continues.
This kid just won't budge. So, I have decided that the next thing to try will be to show him what a lack of basic education will get him in life by forcing him to perform manual labor around the house for free. I am thinking I will assign 1 task per missed homework assignment on top of making up that homework assignment. In addition, 1 task will be assigned per class which has a grade of C or below.
This is where you all come in. I need ideas. What sorts of chores can a 12 year old boy do that will make him prefer to do his homework over performing that task? Here's my list so far:
1. Clean the dog kennel.
2. Clean the bathrooms.
3. Fold laundry (everyone's; not just his own).
4. Do the dishes.
Aaaaaaaaaaand.....GO!
Why not let him see what life can be like without an education:
Maybe take him down to a local drug rehab shelter and let him volunteer his time. A lot of these folks are high school drop outs who thought they didn't need to have a high school education and they wound up on the wrong path in life.
Some of your local law enforcement will allow them to ride along for a day - they can show and share with him what life can be like without an education.
Talk with his school counselor and see if they can suggest some other things for him to experience.
But also make sure he experiences the other side of it as well - Show the whole picture, both sides.
Please before anyone jumps on me I am not saying all high school drops out end up being addicted to drugs - but the truth is a majority do; ultimately how his life turns out will be from the choices he makes. Yes some uneducated people turn out to be very successful people - but I believe we all know that is a very low number - and they had to make some very hard decision in their lives to get there. My whole point is let him see firsthand - what his life could be like without and with a high school education - maybe seeing it firsthand will open his eyes up. But you have to remember it ultimately depends on him and his choices in life.0 -
perhaps he's having trouble.
if this is the case, punishment is not the answer.
i didnt read all 7 pages of responses, but you need to figure out WHY he's not doing the homework and if he's having trouble in school.
work with him, not against him.
if hes just being a little punk, then youll have to cross that bridge, but until then...breathe, re-evaluate, team up with him and solve this issue together.0 -
You could turn it around. He has $10 cash in a jar at the beginning of each week. Each missed assignment removes a dollar from the jar. The money he earns each week goes into a bigger jar that he cashes out with each report card. An A average earn him 100%. A B average earns 80%. A C average earns 60% Each D removes 10% off the net and a single F wipes out the bank.
He COULD earn $520 this year. Totally up to him. He's got that IN THE BANK if he doesn't mess up. Or...he could give it all away. His choice.
My perspective is that there are natural consequences to his behaviors. But they are too far in the future for him to comprehend at this age. The problem is to incentivize him in a way that makes these consequences real in the near term. The point here isn't to "pay for grades," it's to create an environment that reflects the information he should be getting from the grades.0 -
When we started slacking in school my mom would set up meetings with all of our teachers and the principal. My mom found that she could straighten me out by being more involved because I generally started slacking when I was overwhelmed but I didn't know how to ask for help.
With my sister . . . my sister had to find her own way, not saying there weren't underlying problems but she had to find her own way.0 -
burpees.0
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My brother never did his homework. He passed High School with a C average. I remember my mom always complaining about how "if he would only apply himself...". He also dropped out of Community College after changing his major twice and is now an armored truck driver and loves it. I, on the other hand, had to do all my homework and study hard before every test and exam and graduated with a B+ average, dropped out of Community College and am now working in a field which requires a degree that I don't have and have worked my way up to.0
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