Pissed with my husband's negativity
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It's one thing to say "I'm genuinely worried about you and whether or not you're dieting too much" -- and quite another to show a wife pictures of Megan Fox and professional cheerleaders as examples for you.
Ask him how he'd feel if you showed him pictures of "ideal men"...he probably wouldn't like that.0 -
He should know better though (he is 8 years older than me) but I guess he doesn't.
So you're younger than him, fitter than him and you could (in his mind) do better than him. Probably. It's a common reaction. If he can get you to look a bit less good than you're less likely to attract attention from other men and less likely to stray.
He's being an idiot. And as for showing you photos of Nicole Scherzinger: that woman is seriously skinny!! And he's describing her as "curvy"?
Double idiot.
What you need to ask yourself is - is he right? Can you do better than him? The answer's probably yes. Fact is though, you are with him and you presumably want to stay with him - as long as he quits trying to undermine you. Tell him that: tell him it's his problem and he can deal with it on his own but he can keep his dumbass comments to himself in the meantime.0 -
Thanks for all the excellent advice. We are trying to clear our heads and we are planning to talk again about this topic a little later. I think I'm being too sensitive and everyone is right that I really need to be the one happy about my weight and be confident despite what my husband thinks. Knowing him he's probably just being stupid and saying things he doesn't know the implications of. He should know better though (he is 8 years older than me) but I guess he doesn't. I'm not really skinny fat. I have a body fat percentage of 17% and I work out regularly. I am not ripped but I'm fairly muscular. I think he just needs to get used to me being smaller and maybe my quite fast weight loss freaked him out a bit. As with the counseling, yeah I'm sure we need it. We are fairly happy with our relationship but we do get into arguments with misunderstanding as the main culprit. We need to work out with our communication better.
Firstly, congratulations on taking such a level headed and empathetic approach to this situation. It is nice to see someone giving their partner the benefit of the doubt and seeing how they may be feeling.
If you want to work on your communication consider this book:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Life-Changing-Relationships-ebook/dp/B0019O6IWU/ref=tmm_kin_title_0
It is my personal belief that most people are kind and good but their communication skills leave a lot to be desired and cannot express what they are truly feeling. It could be your husband is a jerk or it could be that he is afraid of what your new body shape means in terms of you loving him.
Good luck!0 -
#1 rule: men are dumb. I am one, and although I have 2 Bachelors Degrees and a Masters, I am dumb.
What I have yet to see is what's HIS fitness level? Is he trying to improve his own fitness, and is jealous that you're meeting your own goals, and he is either unfit, or unable.
Maybe he's concerned that now you're hot AND fit, other guys will be all over you ... and he's worried.
So, yeah, as a couple of others have suggested: normal male insecurity.
The other side of the coin is this: has he every been good and giving REAL, meaningful compliments before? If you've ever seen Sheldon on Big Bang Theory try to give a compliment, it's hilarious - he doesn't know how.
Every man can say basic compliments by rote: "you look nice"; "you're pretty" ... but now there's a new paradigm, and the basic old "easy compliments" no longer fit.
Involve him in your goal ... some people have said "don't change for others" - and that's BS. I underwent 4 hours of knee surgery so that someday I would be able to play soccer with my kids - I workout 4-5 days because I want to be around long enough to see my grandchildren. We *do* change for others.
Somehow convince him that your fitness is for YOU AS A COUPLE - this will have 2 effects: less concern about jealousy/other men and make him a part of your fitness journey. Have him suggest a couple of muscle groups that he'd like you to work on (for example, maybe he'd find it sexy if you had nicely-defined biceps - ask him!) ...again, involving him in your success.0 -
I think a lot of people have touched on the root issue, with him being older, and out of shape. Yours is not an uncommon story.
But it's also threads like this that baffle me. How do people feel comfortable opening up their spouses, the supposed loves of their lives, to this kind of attack from strangers? It's one thing to vent, but I'm shocked people around here just sit back and let folks call their husbands and wives all kinds of names. Amazing. I wish a mofo would with my amazing wife.
Sometimes it's actually easier to open up to strangers on the internet than friends that are going to see this guy at some point. And as for people calling others names, this is the internet, it happens. The key is being strong-minded enough to filter out the insults and concentrate on the good advice.
OP, I think you have got some great advice here, and some have hit the nail on the head; he's insecure.
It does concern me however that he actually took the time to show you pictures of women he 'prefers'. And the fact that you sat down and told him he upset you, and he simply continued in this manner. This says he's a bit of an idiot - either in a deliberate 'I want to hurt you kind of way', or an accidental 'I don't really know how to talk about this' kind of way. It's up to you to decide which one - but personally I wouldn't put up with the former.0 -
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He is working on it though and has lost about 8 lbs since this year started and he goes to overeaters anonymous meetings sometimes. But yeah you are right. Maybe the fact that he is discontent with his body played a role with his negativity.
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That's really none of our business that he goes to a 12 step meeting. It doesn't feel right to be invading his privacy. I would not want you to be my doctor.0 -
Your husband is a class A moron. You don't have kids between you? He needs to support you 100% or you should be done with him. There are too many fish I the sea. Do marriage counseling if you want, but I would give him a very short time frame and very few chances left to fix his idiocy before you are done with it. This is beneath you.0
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Err.. treated which way?
As far as I'm aware he didn't mistreat the OP. He expressed his opinion. She feels hurt (I would as well), she doesn't understand why he is not happy for her (but then he is not sure why she feels she needs to loose weight either).
Should she divorce him just because he expressed his opinion - in a very bad moment? Wow, that escalated quickly!0 -
you should have told him your bmi was 250
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Maybe seeing how great you look makes him insecure about himself?0
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We cannot let the insecurity of others control us, I understand he is your husband, but this is not ok. You be happy with your success and the great way you feel about yourself, you will need this in the future. Do not let your happiness and success with how you feel about yourself be determined by another person who vowed to be there for you and is failing.0
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You're not being too sensitive. You look beautiful and it's making him nervous. It's completely inappropriate for him to be showing you pictures of other women. You are just as pretty and fit as any of them. Enjoy your success!0
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I just looked at your pictures. You look great but I think you are already skinnier than all the girls, your husband mentioned, just judged by the photos. Maybe you see yourself differentf?0
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You need to compromise. It's completely unfair for you to expect him to give up what he's attracted to and not be willing to negotiate at all. How would you feel if he did the same thing to you? Take some time to step into his shoes and consider his feelings as well. A marriage means both sides should be happy, not just you. If the man wants a little bit of meat, give it to him, but only give it to him to a point that you're okay with it. From my experience, most men don't like bags of bones, and your 110 lb goal sounds crazy skinny to me. I'd be upset if I was your hubby, too.0
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You need to compromise. It's completely unfair for you to expect him to give up what he's attracted to and not be willing to negotiate at all. How would you feel if he did the same thing to you? Take some time to step into his shoes and consider his feelings as well. A marriage means both sides should be happy, not just you. If the man wants a little bit of meat, give it to him, but only give it to him to a point that you're okay with it. From my experience, most men don't like bags of bones, and your 110 lb goal sounds crazy skinny to me. I'd be upset if I was your hubby, too.
Thas's true, most men do like a few curves in women. I would not want to see my husband super skinny either. :noway:0 -
I had some really good advice for you and your relationship, but after seeing you're a 3rd year medical student and browsing through your pictures it is in my best interest to see your relationship fail.
Good luck, but I'm here if it doesn't work out.
Not serious... It sounds like it could be a number of issues. My first recommendation is to go to marriage counseling now.
This.
And, nice pictures. Both of you.You need to compromise. It's completely unfair for you to expect him to give up what he's attracted to and not be willing to negotiate at all. How would you feel if he did the same thing to you? Take some time to step into his shoes and consider his feelings as well. A marriage means both sides should be happy, not just you. If the man wants a little bit of meat, give it to him, but only give it to him to a point that you're okay with it. From my experience, most men don't like bags of bones, and your 110 lb goal sounds crazy skinny to me. I'd be upset if I was your hubby, too.
Marriage is about compromise, but really, if she's lean and strong vs. a "bit of meat" and it's this much of an issue, the issue is not her body composition. Ever.0 -
Thanks for all the excellent advice. We are trying to clear our heads and we are planning to talk again about this topic a little later. I think I'm being too sensitive and everyone is right that I really need to be the one happy about my weight and be confident despite what my husband thinks . Knowing him he's probably just being stupid and saying things he doesn't know the implications of. He should know better though (he is 8 years older than me) but I guess he doesn't. I'm not really skinny fat. I have a body fat percentage of 17% and I work out regularly. I am not ripped but I'm fairly muscular. I think he just needs to get used to me being smaller and maybe my quite fast weight loss freaked him out a bit. As with the counseling, yeah I'm sure we need it. We are fairly happy with our relationship but we do get into arguments with misunderstanding as the main culprit. We need to work out with our communication better.
+1You're not being too sensitive. You look beautiful and it's making him nervous. It's completely inappropriate for him to be showing you pictures of other women. You are just as pretty and fit as any of them. Enjoy your success!
I don't think you're being too sensitive. If he is worried that you are losing too much to be healthy he needs to deal with it in a sensitive, caring and mature way. If this is about vanity not health, then he has no right to tell you how you should look (husband or not). He either handled it badly and needs to apologise, or he is totally out of order and needs to apologise.
I agree that you need to be happy in yourself, and that losing weight is not something you should do for someone else. However, physical attraction is an important part of a relationship and everyone needs reassurance that their partner finds them sexy. You should be confident in yourself, but I totally understand why you are upset and I think you have an absolute right to be really really mad with him. It is up to you to decide how you want to look, and your partner to take it or leave it. There are always going to be celebrities who are really hot, but unless he is Brad Pitt he is never going to get them - he should be happy with what he has and appreciate you for your personality as well!It's completely unfair for you to expect him to give up what he's attracted to and not be willing to negotiate at all.... If the man wants a little bit of meat, give it to him, but only give it to him to a point that you're okay with it.
In my opinion this is a totally unacceptable suggestion. Demanding that your partner change the way they look to please you is a common feature in domestic abuse cases.
Edit: second quote not working0 -
I totally get why what he said hurt you. And showing you pictures of celebs he liked is very insensitive.
However, I find that some people here overreact suggesting divorce or counselling or that he is an idiot.
He might be insecure or need time to process the change and if that is the case it might be best to talk again when you are both calmer and you can tell him that you love him the way he is, but that you also expect him to do the same and that it really hurt you that he gives you the impression that he doesn't like your body the way it is. May be he is also just insensitive and you need to explain to him how his attitude makes you feel. It sucks, but I guess every person has down sides and maybe a lack of sensitivity is one of his. But you married him for a reason. So far it doesn't really seem as if he tried to make you feel bad about yourself or like some kind of psychological violence, it sounds rather a lack of communicative intelligence. But obviously I don't knwo the whole picture.
He might however have voiced his concerns in a wrong way, but maybe his concerns aren't that wrong: you look really great on your pics and I would love to have a body like that. But I don't know more about you. He could be concerned about your health and showing you pictures of women he liked but seemed less skinny to him was a (stupid) way to persuade you to not risk your health by getting to skinny or obsessed. Or well, maybe he prefers you slightly less skinny. In my opinion it is your body and you get to decide and nobody has the right to make you feel bad about it. But I guess you are entitled to tell him that you would find him more attractive if he was more athletic and he may tell you that he would like you to be less skinny - obviously not in that way, but still.
I totally get that you needed to talk with someone about that and I actually think doing this with people that don't know him is a good idea. However, once you are both calm you should talk. And don't let strangers at MFP tell you that your marriages is bad or your husband an idiot. It would not do you any good. It is one fight. We don't know the rest of it. Don't let people's opinion based on one post, influence your opinion of your husband. I hope you wouldn't do that anyway. I was just somehow surprised about the reactions...0 -
Err.. treated which way?
As far as I'm aware he didn't mistreat the OP. He expressed his opinion. She feels hurt (I would as well), she doesn't understand why he is not happy for her (but then he is not sure why she feels she needs to loose weight either).
Should she divorce him just because he expressed his opinion - in a very bad moment? Wow, that escalated quickly!
This. People can only do to you what you let them.0 -
I think a lot of people have touched on the root issue, with him being older, and out of shape. Yours is not an uncommon story.
But it's also threads like this that baffle me. How do people feel comfortable opening up their spouses, the supposed loves of their lives, to this kind of attack from strangers? It's one thing to vent, but I'm shocked people around here just sit back and let folks call their husbands and wives all kinds of names. Amazing. I wish a mofo would with my amazing wife.
It is natural to seek reassurance and validation when we are hurt. She already said she tried talking to him about it and he wouldn't listen, so should she just bottle it up inside and not tell anyone? People here aren't 'attacking' him, they are saying that he was wrong to say and do what he did. Maybe a little compassion instead of implying she is in the wrong for seeking some kind of reassurance after the love of her life (in your own words) basically told her that how he wanted her to look was more important than what she wanted? Are we never allowed to be saddened and disappointed in the behavior of our spouses? If not opening up to us, who would you suggest? Close friends and business associates who actually KNOW her husband? Wouldn't that be worse? I'm sorry if I've misinterpreted what you've said, but honestly you came off as being very unsympathetic to this very hurtful event in her life. (On a side note, the fact he is out of shape should have NOTHING to do with how he treats her. That may be a reason, but it sure as hell isn't an excuse).
Totes agree. The reason you are never allowed to have a counsellor or psychiatrist you know is because they need to be totally independent. In the absence of such a person the internet message board of a site that is supportive is a good choice to rant
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You look great. He is insecure.0
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He sounds insecure... it seems like he tears you down so that when someone comes along that is more ((insert his insecurity here)) than he is, you won't think you're worthy of a man like that.
For what it's worth, I think you look awesome and 19.5% BF is amazing! Congrats on hitting your goal!
yes - you didn't do this for him did you? You did it for yourself - enjoy your accomplishment and if he can't get on board it's his problem not yours.0 -
He's young, he'll learn or perish to the husband learning facilities. :happy:0
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#1 rule: men are dumb. I am one, and although I have 2 Bachelors Degrees and a Masters, I am dumb.
Also, this. And I mean this in the nicest way. You live a LOT longer and HAPPIER as a woman if you learn one simple rule, if a man says something stupid and it's either 1) he said soemthing really hurtful, to hurt you, or 2) he wasn't really thinking and it was a dumb mistake, the answer is almost always door #2. It's a byproduct of the difference in social conditioning.0 -
I think a lot of people have touched on the root issue, with him being older, and out of shape. Yours is not an uncommon story.
But it's also threads like this that baffle me. How do people feel comfortable opening up their spouses, the supposed loves of their lives, to this kind of attack from strangers? It's one thing to vent, but I'm shocked people around here just sit back and let folks call their husbands and wives all kinds of names. Amazing. I wish a mofo would with my amazing wife.
It is natural to seek reassurance and validation when we are hurt. She already said she tried talking to him about it and he wouldn't listen, so should she just bottle it up inside and not tell anyone? People here aren't 'attacking' him, they are saying that he was wrong to say and do what he did. Maybe a little compassion instead of implying she is in the wrong for seeking some kind of reassurance after the love of her life (in your own words) basically told her that how he wanted her to look was more important than what she wanted? Are we never allowed to be saddened and disappointed in the behavior of our spouses? If not opening up to us, who would you suggest? Close friends and business associates who actually KNOW her husband? Wouldn't that be worse? I'm sorry if I've misinterpreted what you've said, but honestly you came off as being very unsympathetic to this very hurtful event in her life. (On a side note, the fact he is out of shape should have NOTHING to do with how he treats her. That may be a reason, but it sure as hell isn't an excuse).
I already stated an understanding of the need to vent. Adults can say whatever they like, and I certainly understand the need to seek validation and understanding.
But there are also multiple sides to every story. Letting a group of people wholesale attack your spouse as "dumb", an "idiot", a "jerk", and suggest freaking DIVORCE off the back of one isolated event, accomplishes what exactly? It just surprises me, that's all, that people are so quick to open up their spouses to this kind of attack and sit back while the mob chews them alive without any context, any real insight into the marriage. How do we know this isn't a loving, supportive man who is struggling in ONE area? How would all of us like to be judged on a bad moment, lifted out of context, and magnified for a crowd of strangers to judge and attack? There is no way for people to lament moments like this while still preserving some dignify, and defense, for their spouse?
I sympathize with the OP. It is not easy to put this kind of work into changing your body, and your life, and receive negative feedback. Not sympathizing with her plight was never my point though.0 -
I know a good divorce attorney…..0
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Perhaps he is insecure that now you're confident and at your target weight/health that you will stray away, so he is being negative about it?
This might be what is wrong with him?
Just a suggestion.
It's unfortunate, but sometimes people are not always happy about other people's achievements.0 -
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I'm really annoyed with my husband right now. Today I reached a very good milestone for me. I have lost 15 lbs in 5 months and I have a BMI of 19.5. I got myself tested today with my progress with body fat and it was significantly improved. I'm now in the athletic category for women as far as body fat percentage goes. I told my husband and his response annoyed me. He said "gross that's too skinny. You have a BMI of 19.5? That so close to underweight". I got annoyed because I was happy about reaching my goals and instead of being happy for me, he just made me feel bad about myself. Tonight I tried to talk to him that what he said hurt my feelings and then he went and started talking about how I'm getting too skinny and his ideal is like the celeb Nicole scherzinger, megan fox and he showed me a couple photos of Miami dolphins cheerleaders. Which I found odd since all of them are effing skinner than me. So now I'm just upset. He tries to make feel better by saying a bunch of stupid things that don't even make sense as he is struggling to salvage the situation. Now I just don't know what to do. I'm finally happy with my body and it took a lot of hard work to get to where I am but I have this negativity that my husband doesn't like my body. I'm sorry for the rant. I guess I'm just sharing.
This is when mine would get the silent treatment, no meals cooked for his lame *kitten*, his laundry left dirty in the hamper and me going out with my girlfriends to celebrate the milestone. He is STUPID for being such a JERK. It sounds like hes JEALOUS that you are making achievements and hes still sitting on the damn couch. Good For You. CONGRATS! Way to Go!
Its good to rant sometimes. Better to rant to us than throw a shoe at him :laugh:0 -
You could suggest to him that he should pursue Megan Fox/Cheerleaders/etc rather than making you feel bad about yourself. There are already a few guys lining up for your (second poster?), so it seems like a win, win, win situation.
That or you can try to help him address his self-esteem issues, and hope he doesn't feel the need to take out his insecurities on you in the meantime.0
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