Pissed with my husband's negativity

I think a lot of people have touched on the root issue, with him being older, and out of shape. Yours is not an uncommon story.

But it's also threads like this that baffle me. How do people feel comfortable opening up their spouses, the supposed loves of their lives, to this kind of attack from strangers? It's one thing to vent, but I'm shocked people around here just sit back and let folks call their husbands and wives all kinds of names. Amazing. I wish a mofo would with my amazing wife.

It is natural to seek reassurance and validation when we are hurt. She already said she tried talking to him about it and he wouldn't listen, so should she just bottle it up inside and not tell anyone? People here aren't 'attacking' him, they are saying that he was wrong to say and do what he did. Maybe a little compassion instead of implying she is in the wrong for seeking some kind of reassurance after the love of her life (in your own words) basically told her that how he wanted her to look was more important than what she wanted? Are we never allowed to be saddened and disappointed in the behavior of our spouses? If not opening up to us, who would you suggest? Close friends and business associates who actually KNOW her husband? Wouldn't that be worse? I'm sorry if I've misinterpreted what you've said, but honestly you came off as being very unsympathetic to this very hurtful event in her life. (On a side note, the fact he is out of shape should have NOTHING to do with how he treats her. That may be a reason, but it sure as hell isn't an excuse).

I already stated an understanding of the need to vent. Adults can say whatever they like, and I certainly understand the need to seek validation and understanding.

But there are also multiple sides to every story. Letting a group of people wholesale attack your spouse as "dumb", an "idiot", a "jerk", and suggest freaking DIVORCE off the back of one isolated event, accomplishes what exactly? It just surprises me, that's all, that people are so quick to open up their spouses to this kind of attack and sit back while the mob chews them alive without any context, any real insight into the marriage. How do we know this isn't a loving, supportive man who is struggling in ONE area? How would all of us like to be judged on a bad moment, lifted out of context, and magnified for a crowd of strangers to judge and attack? There is no way for people to lament moments like this while still preserving some dignify, and defense, for their spouse?

I sympathize with the OP. It is not easy to put this kind of work into changing your body, and your life, and receive negative feedback. Not sympathizing with her plight was never my point though.

This times a million.

I think a lot of people have touched on the root issue, with him being older, and out of shape. Yours is not an uncommon story.

But it's also threads like this that baffle me. How do people feel comfortable opening up their spouses, the supposed loves of their lives, to this kind of attack from strangers? It's one thing to vent, but I'm shocked people around here just sit back and let folks call their husbands and wives all kinds of names. Amazing. I wish a mofo would with my amazing wife.

I kind of feel this way too. This is a game of "Two Wrongs." Wrong of him to say what he did, and wrong to bash him on the Internet. You've got absolute strangers validating your rightness without having been there when the two of you had the argument in the first place.

Communicate with him, not us.

A whole lot of you are confusing someone sharing their thoughts and an expereince for bashing a spouse.

Divorce..why is that even an option...he made a couple of insensitive comments out of how many countless over how many years of marraige? Men do stupid things all the time. if women reacted to every stupid thing we all be walking around single.

Totally agree. You need to make it clear that he upset you, but divorce is a little extreme! Part of being in a committed relationship is committing to sorting things out when you piss each other off.

Unless of course there are a tonne of other reasons you're not working as a couple in which case divorce away.....

Just give him this when you go out.

Ok so let me get this straight. You brought up your body in a positive way, and he responded by dissing it and showing you pictures of cheerleaders . . . :huh:

Perhaps you need to explain your goals are not meant for his benefit. They are for you. His negitivity (complete idiocy) is counter productive to his ability to get laid.

My advice would be perhaps to see your solicitor and draw up a pre-nuptial agreement where it states that he can't say anything about your looks.

I knew a woman years ago who was over 300 pounds. She went down to about 170-180. She was about 5'9". Her husband was a small man.

As she lost the weight she started getting compliments wherever they went. She admitted that it made her feel good, sexy, desirable, even wanted and appreciated. Her husband began to tell her she had lost enough, that she shouldn't lose anymore, that if she did she would look like she was sick, and so on. This went on so long that she was actually considering an affair with someone who made her feel good about herself.

Instead she sat him down and laid it out for him. She wasn't doing this for him (though he reaped the benefits of extra energy and extra libido) This was something she needed to do for herself and no one else. She told him she loved him, but that she needed more than that. She added that by becoming more of a healthy person she would be able to do more both with him and their kids. She also told him that if he couldn't be with her no matter her shape that maybe it was time for him to examine his own insecurities. They did go to councilling and they did work it out.

The problem was mainly his. He didn't think she would stay if she was sexy. He figured that she would want someone "better".
However, she had to learn how to take the compliments gracefully and not see them all as flirting. She had never had it before.

PS = they are still married. This is a journey and no journey is without its ups and downs if it is worth taking. Re-enforce your feelings for him and make sure he knows that they haven't changed, only your appearance

I'm sorry to say that sometimes hubbies say things and don't stop to think how it will make us feel before they say it.I get stuff like that all the time and I've been married for 18yrs. Don't let his words get you down though.You are happy with what you've accomplished and that's what matters most.

You loving your body is the sexiest you could ever hope to be!!. My husband also gives me grief, doesn't like my muscles says im getting close to being too thin. but we need to love ourselves first. if they see how much better we feel about ourselves they'll likely come around.

Just ignore him. Do what u think is best for u. If u are feeling great this is what is worth sty. And if he has problems with u feeling good, than the problem is in him, not u.

All I can say is you should take the advice given on this platform with a grain of salt because they have only heard one side of the story. Even if everything you posted is true, discussing your marital problems in this forum is not healthy either. I've been a pastor and chaplain for many years and would suggest you find a good counselor or pastor to discuss these matters. That's all I'll say, hope the both of you can resolve these issue.s

Just ignore him. Do what u think is best for u. If u are feeling great this is what is worth sty. And if he has problems with u feeling good, than the problem is in him, not u.

This is a marriage, not a science project partnership.

In a marriage a spouses problem is your problem.

The more I read this board the more I'm beginning to think that:

A. Quite a lot of unmarried people are giving marital advice.

or

B. Quite a lot of unsuccessfully married people are giving marital advice.

No, in a healthy, loving marriage you don't just get to say "this is YOUR problem, I'll do what I want".

So she should gain some weight back just because her husband wants her to? That's not exactly a healthy loving marriage, either.

God help anyone that turns to an internet message board for serious marriage advice and follows through with it instead of hashing it out with their spouse in private and/or in counseling if need be.

/married.

First off, congrats on accomplishing your goal! Secondly, you look fantastic! All that being said, you and your husband are in a partnership for life, it is not realistic for you to just say, "oh, I am to emotional" and "I just do no matter what he thinks". You are not to emotional, you set and reached a goal and that joy should be shared by both of you. Granted, you do workout for your own benefit, but if he is having some insecurities about his own weight, that will not go away. Your continued success in your fitness goals will only make his insecurities stronger and will inevitably lead to issues.

I wish you much luck and ANYTIME you need a "Great job" let me know!

Everyone seems to be on a downer at the husband, i feel sorry for him, seems like a good lad to me, anyone who likes KFC can't be all bad

Just ignore him. Do what u think is best for u. If u are feeling great this is what is worth sty. And if he has problems with u feeling good, than the problem is in him, not u.

This is a marriage, not a science project partnership.

In a marriage a spouses problem is your problem.

The more I read this board the more I'm beginning to think that:

A. Quite a lot of unmarried people are giving marital advice.

or

B. Quite a lot of unsuccessfully married people are giving marital advice.

No, in a healthy, loving marriage you don't just get to say "this is YOUR problem, I'll do what I want".

With your own body? I really will do what I want with my own body, even if I were married now. Maybe that's why I'm not particularly interested in marriage, though (I'm not huge on running everything through someone else; it's true!)

Uh, no. I did not say you couldn't do anything you want "with your own body".

The OP said the husband's problem isn't the wife's problem. Go back and reread what she wrote.

And I said that in a marriage, a good one at least, your spouse's problem IS your problem to. That's the point of marriage.

So the OP, who looks amazing and has done a great job, loses weight, but her husband has internalized some issue with it, his problem IS her problem. That's something they'd have to work out together.

Nobody said you had to "run everything through" your spouse. I love my wife, love being married to this woman, but I didn't sit down with her and ask permission to lose weight. Jumping to conclusions.