my fiance keeps junk in the house
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Compromise is the key in all relationship conflicts. He should support your desire to maintain your weight, and you should support his desire for junk food.
My boyfriend and I very rarely buy junk food when we grocery shop, and when we do, we buy one thing we know will be gone the same day. I don't like to keep junk around because I will eat it. For the most part, he gets his junk food fixes when he's not home, but when he does bring it home, I just figure it's his food and it would be rude of me to eat it.
Maybe your fiance can have his own cabinet in the kitchen, or a place somewhere else in the house to stash his goodies? If he buys his own junk food on his own time, maybe you can just adopt the thinking that he bought it and it's his. Or maybe he can not keep junk food in the house but buy it when he wants it (which may not work for you depending where you live).
Bottom line is, find a way to make this work for both of you. When he says you're the one with the problem, say "yes, I do have a problem, and I'm asking you to support me." If he doesn't at all, then it's time to have a conversation about why he's being a bag of d*cks about it.0 -
When you love someone you're willing to sacrifice EVERYTHING, including your life for them. Therefore, I don't believe a small inconvenience like a lock box would be asking too much. If it is, he shouldn't be your fiance'. Period.
Hmm, I'm willing to give my dear husband a kidney, but I don't think I will sacrifice my chocolate. BTW, is that sacrifice EVERYTHING a 2-way street, or does it just apply to men? Are females exempt from sacrificing EVERYTHING in the name of love, including bad eating habits and the blame game?0 -
I'm sure it will all work out. I am surprised by the ugly and hurtful reactions on the board labeled "motivation and support" I wasn't looking for someone to bash my guy or to bash me...but for people who have found solutions and compromises in similar situations.
For those of you who offered realistic and workable suggestions...thanks so much, that's honestly what I was looking for.0 -
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I cant believe more people didnt say this:
It isnt even about the food at this point. I can see there is a power struggle in your home...that is what you should focus on0 -
I don't know that a power struggle is necessarily the case, just two people trying to figure out how to combine lives and lifestyles. He's not an *kitten*...just a man. (lol) and I'm not a *****...just a woman. We're actually starting couples counseling, and maybe that will be more productive than this forum.0
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I think it may be helpful, as others have said, to have his/hers cupboards so his unhealthy snacks are not constantly in your face and so you can have something at hand to snack on while he indulges in whatever. Can't really go so far as to have a separate fridge/freezer, but it might help to label things as "his" (either just mentally or with a Sharpie) I have had roommates in one form or another my entire life and I basically look at it as "It is not mine, I didn't buy it, so I don't touch it." It is like anything else that is exclusively his...toothbrush, socks, email....
Life is always going to present you with temptation and it is up to you to decide what goes into your own body. Your partner should be more supportive and respectful of your goals and your feelings, but at he same time, he shouldn't be forced to give up the things he enjoys either. I work in a grocery so I am constantly bombarded with tempting foods and people who come in to buy and enjoy them (many of whom are grossly overweight and should put down the Cheetos and pick up a carrot) but we will both have to deal with the consequences of our choices later. Do I want to be slim, healthy and active or do I want to be obese with heart disease and diabetes?
On a side note, I hope that you and your fiance have planned a long engagement. Your courtship period and the time btwn starting dating and moving in together seem very short and you are obviously still getting to know one another. Your arguments now may be about junkfood and booze in the house, but you do not want to make a lifelong commitment to a man who is unsupportive, disrespectful and unwilling to compromise. Those characteristics will only become more ugly a time goes on.
Not saying you should $%&*can your relationship over one disagreement, but keep your eyes open for patterns of behavior. You are in a honeymoon stage now and it is easy to be blinded by new love and not see evidence of being truly incompatible on a deeper level.0 -
that's a really good idea. it's difficult trying to mesh lifestyles, especially so quickly. I hope it works out for you.0
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I don't know that a power struggle is necessarily the case, just two people trying to figure out how to combine lives and lifestyles. He's not an *kitten*...just a man. (lol) and I'm not a *****...just a woman. We're actually starting couples counseling, and maybe that will be more productive than this forum.
Going to be blunt here....
You two have been together for 5 months and you already need couples counseling? You are right, that will be more productive than this forum.
edit spelling0 -
no, my employer provides free family counseling, and we decided to take advantage of it in order to make our relationship better and stronger. more of a preemptive strike than a "need" These forums are difficult as communication is somewhat limited.0
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I don't know that a power struggle is necessarily the case, just two people trying to figure out how to combine lives and lifestyles. He's not an *kitten*...just a man. (lol) and I'm not a *****...just a woman. We're actually starting couples counseling, and maybe that will be more productive than this forum.
It is likely the counselor will have more informed guidance to offer than an internet forum. Premarital counseling is a good thing.0 -
I don't know that a power struggle is necessarily the case, just two people trying to figure out how to combine lives and lifestyles. He's not an *kitten*...just a man. (lol) and I'm not a *****...just a woman. We're actually starting couples counseling, and maybe that will be more productive than this forum.
Going to be blunt here....
You two have been together for 5 months and you already need couples counseling?
My thoughts exactly... Good luck, you need it!0 -
lol...right? Although many here think they can read very limited information, and diagnose with complete accuracy.0
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I have a teenage son and a junk fiend husband, so junk is in our house pretty much regularly. the junk has it's own cabinet and I try never to look in there. Perhaps this might help? Fairly new living arrangements can be stressful as we learn about our partners habits, desires etc. and how we come to compromises. All the Best.0
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Obviously he has no respect for you or what you're trying to accomplish. So the answer is simple, pack him and his junk food up and kick them out.0
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I honestly think most couples could benefit from some sort of couples counseling. I also think it speaks volumes of my fella and me that we recognize this, and are willing to stick our necks out a bit and put ourselves in a situation that isn't always comfortable.0
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I have a teenage son and a junk fiend husband, so junk is in our house pretty much regularly. the junk has it's own cabinet and I try never to look in there. Perhaps this might help? Fairly new living arrangements can be stressful as we learn about our partners habits, desires etc. and how we come to compromises. All the Best.
thank you for productive, uplifting, and reasonable suggestions.0 -
and a small part of me is very selfish. (or maybe a large part of me) I own my house, and was used to having my own way until he moved in a month ago. It's been a huge adjustment (as should be expected) and the whole situation stresses me out. not just the food.
I think this might be more of the issue between you two. Have you made him feel like it is his home too. It may be that he does not feel like there is anything that is his, he moved into your house, this could be his way of claiming that he lives there too, and he wants equal consideration. No matter what you two should talk, living with someone else is a big adjustment, you both should be able to compromise, but if he feels like it not his place too, he could just be digging in his heels to make point, it might not be about the junk food at all.
Thank you!0 -
It's the same in my house, nice slim fella who eats junk!! But I'd never ask him to keep it out the house! You just need will power girl!! Lol0
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Together for 5 months... He's not willing to help you... And you're going to be going to counseling... AND it's your house??? Kick him to the curb!0
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Congratulations on your 65lb weight lose.
Honestly, I'm having a problem with all the "it's your problem get self control" comments myself.
Relationships have to be based on compromise or they will not work. That means both people, people! As others have opined, there might be an underlying issue that's causing a power struggle. See if the two of you can figure that out together.
As my Mom told me before I got married: Make sure your partner is your friend. The glow and excitement of true love wanes over time and you better like the person you married. Marriage has a lot of ups and downs, you are in a position to really suss things out before the wedding.
My husband and I started living together after 6 months of dating 23 years ago. It can work, but seriously get things worked out before the plunge. There are days I wish I had.
Best of Luck0 -
I honestly think most couples could benefit from some sort of couples counseling. I also think it speaks volumes of my fella and me that we recognize this, and are willing to stick our necks out a bit and put ourselves in a situation that isn't always comfortable.
I wholeheartedly agree. Better to go through premarital counseling, work on communication and problem solving and try to build a strong, healthy relationship than to go through the animosity, expense and trauma of divorce later on (especially if children are involved). My best to you both as you work out the kinks0 -
four pages and not one "my blank keeps his junk in ..."comment? has MFP lost its touch?0
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[harsh advice follows]
I'd suggest not trying to push what is ultimately your issue into being his problem.
The fact is it is up to YOU to deal with your food choices and maintenance, and the rest of the world won't change to make it easier for you.
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Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition0 -
Ugh I have 5 kids in the house who love to be surrounded by junk food. Just gotta learn to say no.0
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My fiancé has never struggled with his weight in his life, and the women he's been with in the past were extremely thin as well. I've lost 60 lbs over the past three years, and struggle every day to maintain that loss. I've asked him a few times to please keep chips, candy, ice cream and all alcohol but beer and red wine (I don't care for these) out of the house. He won't, and makes me feel weak and stupid for asking for such a thing. Just this morning, I asked if maybe we could keep these things out of the house just for four weeks, so I could get a handle on my eating....and he refused, saying that I'm the one with a problem. I know I'm the one with a problem, and I suppose I'm selfish for asking for accommodations. Has anyone else had this problem? If so, what did you do? Any suggestions would be appreciated.
Laura
We do a lot of entertaining and currently my husband is not trying to lose weight. We have all of what you mentioned in our home. My goal is fitness which includes getting to my ideal weight BUT that does not mean I live in a vacuum or that others must change their eating habits due to my choices. You can lose weight while enjoying all of what you mentioned in moderation as long as you create a calorie deficit. That being said, we eat a rather healthy diet that is about 85% clean relying on home cooking and very little in the way of processed foods. Essentially, either don't eat the foods you mentioned (will power) or eat in moderation while keeping a calorie deficit AND let your fiance make his own food choices.0 -
I've been married to the light of my life, boy of my dreams for almost 22 years now. He knows I struggle with binge eating and the after effects. He also knows that I try my best to stay slim and healthy, partly for him, mostly for me. However, he really does love potato chips (thankfully, that's not a problem for me), peanut M&Ms, and brownies/cookies. When I bake him brownies, I just tell him to hide them from me. If I buy him peanut M&Ms, same thing. Putting these things out of sight is amazingly effective. I think he also knows that there might not be anything left for him if he left the brownies out:blushing:
Have you asked him to put them where you won't see them? I mean, really, is that asking too much? If it is too much and he won't support you in wanting to stay slim and healthy, I'd seriously be rethinking some things. If the positions were reversed and he were, say, a recovering alcoholic and you drank in front of him and kept booze in the house in plain sight all of the time, I'm pretty sure we'd all be calling you some pretty caustic stuff, and selfish would be the least of it. If he ever has to go on a special diet because of diabetes or heart disease or whatever, I would bet money that you would change everything to help him become healthy and stay alive. If you wouldn't, well, hmmmm.
Ultimately, you are in control of what goes in your mouth. I totally get that; however, the emotional issues that cause many of us to junk to an extreme are way more powerful than we know. On the flip side, all of us have passed by Girl Scouts selling cookies and just said no (or in my case, "get behind me, Satan!"). We've all been to events where our trigger foods are present and have been able to say "That doesn't work for me, but thanks for the offer."
BTW, I was married for 5 years to one of the most selfish humans on the face of the earth. It was hell. Just sayin'0 -
[harsh advice follows]
I'd suggest not trying to push what is ultimately your issue into being his problem.
The fact is it is up to YOU to deal with your food choices and maintenance, and the rest of the world won't change to make it easier for you.
^^ Yep.0 -
You think it's selfish to ask him to lay off the junk food for a month in what is your house? My fiancé stopped buying junk food when I started my weight loss trip because he could see how hard it was for me not to go binging. I didn't even have to ask him to.0
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OP, do you act like this when you're at other people's homes, meaning asking them to remove all the "junk" food so you can be there?
I do agree with a PP who suggested this is turning into a power struggle. Yes, this is your home you've invite him to share, but you can't compromise and let him have "junk" foods? If even having him a cabinet or snack box for his "junk" foods isn't something you can deal with, you should probably just break up.0
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