Husband doesn't show support :(
C_Zacklan1977
Posts: 6
Hi my name is Christine and I have tried many times to lose weight and failed, right now I am at my heaviest ever.. I am 36 years old, I am married with 4 children and want to set an example for my children on living a healthy lifestyle and feeling good about yourself, but I am finding it very hard to stay on track when I do not get the support I need here at home from my husband the one who should be there for me and show me support in anything and everything that I choose to do and yet he is always telling me that I look fine the way that I am, but I know that isn't true when I catch him looking at other women on the internet who are very thin and no where near as big as I am, and each time I confront him on this all he can say is that he isn't attracted to them and how he is attracted to me.. Well why are you looking at those other women if you are not attracted to them and why are you not looking at me like you look at them if you say you are attracted to me?? I just don't get it and then he has the nerve to tell me that if I lose the weight that he will leave me why would he say that why would any man leave his wife for having lost weight?? I know most men say that they will leave their wife if she DOESN'T lose weight (and that is also wrong, but apparently men are jerks no matter what), but I have never heard of a man saying he will leave his wife if she DOES lose weight, and it also doesn't help that my oldest daughter who is 15 is always telling me how fat I am, and not to mention the fact that I feel so self conscious about doing any exercise in front of my husband or oldest daughter because they make me feel so uncomfortable about it. So by joining this group I am hoping to find some form of support system because I am so tired of being this big I hope I can count on others here in this group to help me out and push me when the feeling of giving up gets stronger then the feeling of what life will be like once I reach my goal.... 0
Replies
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Sounds like SUPER controlling behavior on your husband's part ... and why do you allow your 15 year old to disrespect you like that?0
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Bless your heart! I can only imagine how tough it is when you have no support from your family. But You are worth it!! Just hold your head high and do it for YOU.
On not wanting to exercise in front of them, I might would just begin with breathing exercises where you contract and relax your abs- you're exercising and they don't even know!!
And your hubby threatening to leave you if you loose weight, is just trying to keep you down - call his bluff.
Good Luck to You!0 -
Wow. Your husband sounds like a total *kitten* and your daughter sounds like a little ***** (sorry). If I talked to my mother like that, I wouldn't be here today! They sound very negative, and not what you need right now. I don't know what to say, except to try and find support here, like you are.0
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Chin up! You (and by YOU I mean WE) are heavier than we want. So what? We're here to support each other. We are in the same boat with the weight loss. You want to do this for YOU, not for anyone else. I know how you feel with the exercising in front of the family. My honey called me fat (once while arguing) . I NEVER forgot that. Then one day I was starting thinking. This will NOT affect me this way. I know who I am and who the hell is anyone to judge me. He's not the big guy in the sky. Frankly I went through all the emotions, hurt, sad, angry..... but then it was just a memory. I know I have to do this for me. I WANT to be the girl I was. The girl that could wear shorts and tanks. He is supportive now and I don't know why he ever said that. He's really a good guy who made that one mean mistake I could never forget. I no longer value the opinions of anyone against my goals (no matter who it is) But no matter what anyone says, DO IT FOR YOU. When I first started this, I hated getting on the treadmill. It's in the living room for all to see for God's sake! After a week or so of "hiding" (doing it only when everyone was in bed or gone), I realized that was not gonna work. Now I just turn on my daughter's ipod and tune everyone out. The more I do, the better I feel. You can do this! And if he leaves you (and I doubt he will) so what? You deserve wayyyy better than that anyhow. fyi, that ONE time my honey called me fat... my reply "Yeah, I know I'm fat, I can change that, YOU will always be stuck with a little weiner." haha.... not nice, I know, BUT it made me feel better. He has never said it since. Best of luck to you. Feel free to add me. again.... THIS IS FOR YOU. You will find all the support you need on this site. ((hugs))0
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I just want to give you a hug. Were you heavy when you got married? Your husband might be threatened by the thought of you losing weight. As you do, he probably will slowly change his mind when he notices how hot you are starting to look.
I wouldn't keep confronting him concerning looking at other woman. Men do that. It will just drive you nuts if you keep checking up on him. Spend your time getting YOU in shape.
If exercising in front of your husband and daughter bothers you, don't do it. Exercise when they aren't around.
Advice is pretty easy to give, so pick and choose. Good luck to you on this journey.:flowerforyou:0 -
First of all looking at your profile - you are not really fat. Overweight maybe, but not fat. If you were to exercise and weigh/measure your food and log it you could have one hot body in no time.
Don't be shy to workout in front of your family. Get some headphones and tune them out. Your husband won't leave you because you loose weight and tone up. And if he does then he really wasn't a great guy.
Yes men do look at other women. Women look at other men. It is normal. Judy is right you will stress yourself out worrying about it.
Do this for you. Because you want to wear a smaller size or because you want to look good in a pair of shorts. What ever the reason don't let embarrassment slow you down.
I was extremely obese and working out in a gym full of muscle heads (men and women) I was so scared about what everyone thought of me. I learned to put on my music, and have a good time shaking those hips while on the treadmill or elliptical machine. After a while it did not matter to me if anyone was looking. I was having a good time.
If I can do it - and so many other people on this website have done it - then you can do it too.
Chin up and don't quit0 -
I'm so sorry and can imagine how hard that must be. If your husband is looking at other women the way he should be looking at you, he has some big changes to make. I would hope he would agree to marriage counseling but also I highly recommend you both watch the movie Fire Proof. It could really save your marriage (and it absolutely is in need of saving). As for the daughter, she should be punished for speaking to a parent disrespectfully. Just because your husband treats you bad doesn't mean you should let your child.0
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Hi. That's so not cool how he is treating you...2 things that popped into my head for the reason he is saying he will leave you is A. He is a "Chubby chaser" where he likes his women thick. Some men love that. And just because he is a "Chubby chaser" doesn't mean he won't look at skinny women on the internet. All men look. or B. he is jealous and insecure and thinks if you lose weight you won't want him anymore or he's worried you'll cheat on him or leave him. Men act like children you never know what they are thinking. I sure hope he starts supporting you. You have our support and if you want you can send me a friend request....We can support each other....:happy:0
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I will NEVER let my kid call me or ANYONE else fat. SOoo disrespectful, I hear my nieces and nephews calling people fat all the time and I do NOT let that s*** fly. As for your husband... he is scared that you will be too sexy for him and leave HIM if you drop pounds, obviously he is a doof who doesn't deserve you. Unhealthy and unsupportive defense mechanism on his part, make him eat those F***** words. You can do this beautiful. :flowerforyou:0
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It sounds like your husband doesn't want other men looking at you like he does skinny women. He's insecure and is afraid you might leave him for another man who might show interest in you. When my wife gained weight I would tell her she looked fine to me because my connection with her is more than physical, but I would never tell her I would leave her if she lost weight. That is just a control issue. Your daughter might be picking up a bad attitude from your husband. If he does leave you for losing weight then he's not worth keeping anyway. Don't worry though there are plenty of us here who will support you in your quest for a healthier life.0
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I will NEVER let my kid call me or ANYONE else fat. SOoo disrespectful, I hear my nieces and nephews calling people fat all the time and I do NOT let that s*** fly. As for your husband... he is scared that you will be too sexy for him and leave HIM if you drop pounds, obviously he is a doof who doesn't deserve you. Unhealthy and unsupportive defense mechanism on his part, make him eat those F***** words. You can do this beautiful. :flowerforyou:
Well said.0 -
Your post made me so sad. I can't imagine how hard it must be to be around people who don't support you. It's hard enough to do even with support.
Like one of the posters have said, call your husband's bluff by getting healthy. Remember that you should really do this for YOU. It's great to set a good example for kids and family but your health is your own so do it for you. Also, even if your husband isn't bluffing and leaves you when, not if but when you reach or are reaching your goal, then I say it's his loss. Everyone deserves someone who loves them and will stand by them for more than their looks and nothing less. Also, I assume your daughter can get grounded right? Perhaps a punishment for rudeness should be enforced. I don't think you should let your daughter talk you that way without consequences but you're the parent and the one in the middle of it so I trust you know best how to handle it.
Not being able to exercise in front of them is really a bummer and makes it a bit more difficult because it limits what you can do but let's not let that stop you. The usual advice to join a gym might be a good option for you if you have time and can afford it but if that isn't an option, hopefully some or all of the following suggestions might work for you:
1) A proper eating habit will be your best friend. After all, food plays the biggest part in weight loss and any healthy lifestyle. Cut out junk food and sodas, if you haven't already, from your meals even if your family is eating it. Instead add more fresh vegetables and really focus on portion control. You're in the right place for figuring out how many calories to eat but it's up to you to make sure the calories are coming from good foods.
2) Start walking. It's great exercise plus it will get you away from the negativity for bits of time. So, you get a workout and a chance to clear your head all in one
Increase the distance you walk with each week or as you see fit. Perhaps add bursts of running in there for some interval training.
3) I bet there are times when you are alone in a room even if for five minutes. You can do some quick excercises like squats or stretches. You can Google for proper form and other quick workouts.
4) This is a tough one and you may not be there yet but I hope you get there someday because you are worth it. Workout whenever you want whether or not they are there because what you are doing is a good thing that you should not be ashamed of. Rather they should be ashamed for making you feel uncomfortable about what you're doing.
I don't know if any of the above will help but remember that you have a large mfp family here for moral support anytime you need it. You are amazing! Don't let anyone make you believe anything other than that.0 -
OK, I have a simple workaround for all this. Do NOT say you're trying to lose weight, say you are trying to get healthy to avoid diabetes, insulin resistance, etc., so you can live longer. If your husband isn't supportive of that idea, then IMO he's scum. Also, why is your hubby looking at other women? THAT is totally disrespectful to you, and how would he feel if you did that to HIM? I've been married 22 years, and I can honestly say my husband does NOT go looking at women. If a women is very pretty or is overly revealing, he will look, then turn away. I have seen him do it. My husband is aware, as am I, that adultery in the brain will lead to adultery in action. You are worth more than being second string to a man's fantasy. Your daughter needs to be smacked for being a disrespectful brat. do NOT tolerate her garbage any more.
You CAN do this, just work on getting healthy and eating right, then the weight will come off, you will build muscle, and your self worth will improve. Nothing is worse than thinking your garbage, especially when you are being treated like garbage. YOU are WORTH MORE THAN YOUR WEIGHT IN GOLD! I am super new here, so feel free to friend me.0 -
Thank you so much ladies for showing me support I really needed that and please do not think that I let my daughter talk to me like that but when she does make comments she does get reprimanded for it and as for my hubby I am going to call his bluff I think he is more worried I will leave him if I were to lose the weight more then anything else but that is not the case I want to do this for me I want to look good and feel good about myself this is something I have been dealing with all of my life and I need a change I am so determined to stick with this I just wish I had their support but it makes me feel good to know I can count on people here in this group. 0
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Howdy there maam. I am no psychologist and I don't have a pHd. I'm just a simple down home country boy thats been around the way a time or two in my life. I will not comment about your husband or your daughter. I will simply tell you straight up that there is a difference between LIVING and BEING ALIVE. People work for a living, but its up to you to be alive. We get one life in this world. As a paramedic and a former firefighter and former police officer, I have seen alot and done alot. Lots of lives are cut short DAILY. Sometimes of their own accord and sometime by pure accident. You have to ask yourself, god forbid, if you were called home to the maker and you looked back on your life, would you say that you were LIVING or were you ALIVE?
You seem like a down to earth young lady with alot going for you. I wish you nothing but the very best. PEACE 0 -
i can imagine how you feel like being in a tight spot. even with a supporting husband it is hard for me to lose weight as there are kids in the house and very little time for exercise and always tempting food and snacks at home. you need to develop nerves of steel to ignore the insults and discouraging comments and to exercise and diet. of course you shouldn't have to hide it from your family, but as you are afraid of failing and getting ridiculed, you could quietly portion control your food, avoid drinking calorie rich drinks and swap it with water, have microwaved frozen veggies for snacks instead of high calorie snacks, have fish instead of red meat, have grilled instead of fried food etc etc. if you are self conscious about exercising at home, you could instead go for brisk outdoor walks. i get my treadmill walk while my children are at school, but if you are a working mother that may not be possible.
make sure you insist on getting the respect you deserve from your children, some times they say disrespectful things without fully realizing how hurtful they are to us. all the best to you, i am sure you are going to succeed.0 -
Howdy there maam. I am no psychologist and I don't have a pHd. I'm just a simple down home country boy thats been around the way a time or two in my life. I will not comment about your husband or your daughter. I will simply tell you straight up that there is a difference between LIVING and BEING ALIVE. People work for a living, but its up to you to be alive. We get one life in this world. As a paramedic and a former firefighter and former police officer, I have seen alot and done alot. Lots of lives are cut short DAILY. Sometimes of their own accord and sometime by pure accident. You have to ask yourself, god forbid, if you were called home to the maker and you looked back on your life, would you say that you were LIVING or were you ALIVE?
You seem like a down to earth young lady with alot going for you. I wish you nothing but the very best. PEACE
I am so glad I Read this today. Thank you for writing it.0 -
Howdy there maam. I am no psychologist and I don't have a pHd. I'm just a simple down home country boy thats been around the way a time or two in my life. I will not comment about your husband or your daughter. I will simply tell you straight up that there is a difference between LIVING and BEING ALIVE. People work for a living, but its up to you to be alive. We get one life in this world. As a paramedic and a former firefighter and former police officer, I have seen alot and done alot. Lots of lives are cut short DAILY. Sometimes of their own accord and sometime by pure accident. You have to ask yourself, god forbid, if you were called home to the maker and you looked back on your life, would you say that you were LIVING or were you ALIVE?
You seem like a down to earth young lady with alot going for you. I wish you nothing but the very best. PEACE
I am so glad I Read this today. Thank you for writing it.
Yes that was beautiful.
i'd just like to say he sounds very insecure and would rather you big so less men with chase you. You are stunningly beautiful already so he knows he's in trouble if you slim down more. Do it. You are worth it and I am sure he won't leave you. If he does well then his loss!0 -
Hi my name is Christine and I have tried many times to lose weight and failed, right now I am at my heaviest ever.. I am 36 years old, I am married with 4 children and want to set an example for my children on living a healthy lifestyle and feeling good about yourself, but I am finding it very hard to stay on track when I do not get the support I need here at home from my husband the one who should be there for me and show me support in anything and everything that I choose to do and yet he is always telling me that I look fine the way that I am, but I know that isn't true when I catch him looking at other women on the internet who are very thin and no where near as big as I am, and each time I confront him on this all he can say is that he isn't attracted to them and how he is attracted to me.. Well why are you looking at those other women if you are not attracted to them and why are you not looking at me like you look at them if you say you are attracted to me?? I just don't get it and then he has the nerve to tell me that if I lose the weight that he will leave me why would he say that why would any man leave his wife for having lost weight?? I know most men say that they will leave their wife if she DOESN'T lose weight (and that is also wrong, but apparently men are jerks no matter what), but I have never heard of a man saying he will leave his wife if she DOES lose weight, and it also doesn't help that my oldest daughter who is 15 is always telling me how fat I am, and not to mention the fact that I feel so self conscious about doing any exercise in front of my husband or oldest daughter because they make me feel so uncomfortable about it. So by joining this group I am hoping to find some form of support system because I am so tired of being this big I hope I can count on others here in this group to help me out and push me when the feeling of giving up gets stronger then the feeling of what life will be like once I reach my goal....
I'm a man, I am overweight and can relate to your problem. And, I'm sorry to tell you your husband is being an *kitten* for saying that. I know there are folks out there with certain fetishes and that, but if your catching him looking at other women on the internet, he's flat out lying to you about you looking fine to him. PERIOD. He may however have good intentions of not wanting to hurt your feelings, but from what you posted, I just don't think so. Please add me as a friend, I'll be as helpful as I can be in your new journey to look and feel great. And no, I am not some looney toon, my wife knows I'm on here and supports me reaching out to others in support of me losing weight. lol.0 -
Honey, just go ahead and do it on your own with or without your husband's support. I know it's harder without the support, but you can do it. It will be a rough road, but focus on YOUR goal and let the rest roll off your back. Try to find support from a friend, a clergyman if you have one, or some sort of support group. Best of luck to you. You're worth it and don't let anyone convince you you're not!0
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Hello! I feel bad about the negative support your family is giving you!!! I won't call them out for what they are mentally doing to you but I will say that if you feel bad about yourself and you WANT to change to be healthier and more fit then go for it don't listen to what anyone says your the one who is living in YOUR body and NO ONE can tell you what you can and can't do you are an adult.
Anyway, add me if you would like support, anything from talking about family or your weightloss I would enjoy supporting you through out this journey of yours!!!
remember one thing: YOU make YOUR own happiness not somebody else.0 -
Not all of us are jerks. I would suggest that you come to us for the support you need if you cannot get it from him or your oldest. Neither of them seem to understand how much it hurts you without their support.
As for why he would leave you, maybe, b/c once you lose weight, you will be happy and may attract some attention and you just may realize how unsupportive he is and that he is a afraid that you will find support in the arms of someone else.
As for your 15 year, she needs to learn a little respect in my humble opinion.
If you want support, friend me, I am very active on my boards and with my friends. I am getting fit and changing my lifestyle for me and only me b/c like you, I get little support from my wife in my journey, it's just not her way. Here, however, I get tons of support and provide tons, it has helped me in the real world too, opening up.
So, do this for you and only you. Your kids learning by your example will be gravy, your husband figuring out that he's got a hottie, icing on the cake. But do this for you.0 -
Just walk - and walk - and walk some more. It's great exercise & gives you time to think (or not think & just breathe). At some point you may decide to keep on walking without someone who is unsupportive and has a negative impact on your life. Best of luck to you.0
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Wow. Hope you can find support here. I could not live the life you are describing. I'm so, so grateful for my awesome husband!!! :flowerforyou:
P.S. Sometimes people feel threatened when you better yourself because they think you will leave them in the dust. Maybe that's your husband's problem.0 -
Just FYI, a lot of guys are visual and like to look at a variety of body types -- so looking at thinner women doesn't mean he's attracted in a way that means he'll cheat on you because your body doesn't match that. It means he's looking at something different. I think we get way to hung up on what sort of visual stimulation our partners may use. I think if more people embrace sexuality and we don't freak out over it, our partners won't feel like they have to be subversive about it, etc. [There are exceptions, of course, where people are just awful about it and in this case, your husband may be a jerk so who knows]
Anyway, my point is...don't think that in particular means he doesn't like your body. Obviously he does from what he's said.
As for the rest -- I hate to give advice on relationship stuff, since we only have one side of the story, so I won't. If you want to do this health and lifestyle change, nothing should stop you. Make sure you are being healthy and doing things right and stand your ground on it, but start first with communication.0 -
Hon - can I just say "so what?" Do what you need to do for you and don't worry so much about what your husband is or is not doing or saying. You don't live inside his skin. You need to be comfortable living inside your own skin. Do what you have to do.
Men looking at other women is kind of like us looking at ... shoes, fashion ... whatever you're into. Don't worry about what he's looking at.
Oh, and P.S., I don't get family support. I've tried and failed to take off excess weight so many times that nobody believes in me anymore. I hope to prove us all wrong this year.0 -
Just to set the record stright most husbands don't say they will leave if the wife doesn't lose weight....only jerks do...sounds to me like he is insecure about you if you lose weight. But you should be doing this for you not him....and your daughter sounds like she needs a lesson in manners....my children never called me fat or made fun of my weight ...sounds like she needs some work on her sensitivity i wonder if she is like that with you how she is with others....something to think about...but seriously you need to do what is best for you not them....they don't have to lug around the extra weight or have their health suffer. Tell husband that if he doesn't like it then he can leave...bet he doesn't....and by the way men looking at other women isn't at all like us looking at fashion...when i look at other men(and who doesn't every once in a while) it's because they look good and that's ok...everyone likes to be admired....be strong and do what is best for you and good luck....0
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I really like this post. Stop worrying about your husband watching porn and your 15yr old calling you fat.
Get in the shape you want but go slow.
The key to most successful and lasting weight loss body transformations is not to lose weight too fast. And don't do manic endless cardio which you can't keep up long term. Just ensure that your measurements are getting a little better every week and in 6 months you'll have incredible results.
My wife did not support my weight loss journey much (apart from not making an issue of me spending money on a personal trainer and protein shakes). I just got on with it.0 -
Awww bless you..I can understand how you feel but the most thing to remember is that you are doing this for YOU and YOU only. When you keep the latter in mind it will be easier for you to achieve your target weight. As for your husband and the "lack" of his support, that is men in general. They really are not designed to "understand" women the way we crave to be understood. Put "him" on the back burner for now and start to embrace yourself more, and understand that others cannot love you until you start to love yourself first. When you start to ooze confidence and glow with inner happiness others around you will want to be more around you and want to be like you. By then your husband WILL notice you :-)
As for your 15 year old, that is how teenagers are nowadays,,sadly! Trust me I know a lot of teenagers who say far worse things to their parents. Do not allow her words to hurt you and that will happen as soon as you start to nurture yourself..at the end of they day when you start to feel amazing she could call anything from fat, ugly, cow stupid etc etc in which case with your new found confidence you will turn around and say "What ever! If you have nothing nice to say then keep quiet. Go and bully someone else. I am your mother and you need to accept that. Talk to me nicely and I will listen, be rude and I will not entertain you.".
I hope my words are worth some weight in helping you to see that you can accomplish your goal. Good luck and do keep us posted. .xx0 -
So sorry you are going through this. I think that what might help you the best is to seek out some counseling for you. It is unfortunate that you are not getting support at home. It is my guess that your husband is insecure and is worried that if you lose weight then he will lose you too. He is showing a lot of control and control is a form of abuse. Your daughter is under his influence as well and he is not being a good role model. Best of luck to you.0
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