Is marriage a big waste of time ?

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  • EuroDivas
    EuroDivas Posts: 93 Member
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    Why do people always say "my husband/wife is my best friend" and this is suppose to be a good sign that they have a successful and harmonious marriage? Why take the vow of marriage to have a best friend? If what is being sort after is a best friend do you need the husband? I just do not understand fully this phrase.

    Could it be that in such relationships the marriage has reduced itself down to a basic friendship which is a sign that it has become stagnant and is possibly in trouble? I am married for over 15 years and have a best friend of over 20 years but would not want my relationship with my husband to be reduced to this level. A marriage is on a totally different level. I can see this situation realizing itself if one finds themselves alone in the world and only has a husband and no other social outlet - then yes the husband becomes the best friend. But is this normal?

    I am asking?
  • emkayelle91
    emkayelle91 Posts: 846 Member
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    I don't think marriage is a waste of time with the right person. I have been married 7 months and it was a really rocky start. My husband did some severely inappropriate things that I found out about 3 days after our wedding, and he continued for a couple months after I found out. I was a mess and I thought I had ruined my life. By some miracle we have gotten past that point, he has realized what he wants and has settled down finally. Marriage takes some work at times, but once you find your groove with the right person it is worth while. Now that we have gotten past the difficult beginning we are really strong right now. However like I said, I haven't been married that long, so I could just be a big naive idiot. Who knows :)
  • Sweetestthing87
    Sweetestthing87 Posts: 276 Member
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    I was married for 10 years and I didn't think it was a waste of time, even after it ended. It was a good 10 years with a family I love and adore and I got the best gift of all out of it: 2 wonderful kids! I was devasted when it ended but that is life sometimes and I have made the best out of it!

    I would rather be married than forever alone! :smile:

    Whatever you choose, good luck. Perhaps it isn't for everyone.
  • MexicanOsmosis
    MexicanOsmosis Posts: 382 Member
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    Just gonna throw this out there for some lolz. Wife in Spanish is esposa. Handcuffs in Spanish is esposas. That said, marriage is definitely work, it takes effort from both individuals but as someone else said, I would likely be lost without my wife.
  • HeidiMightyRawr
    HeidiMightyRawr Posts: 3,343 Member
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    Why do people always say "my husband/wife is my best friend" and this is suppose to be a good sign that they have a successful and harmonious marriage? Why take the vow of marriage to have a best friend? If what is being sort after is a best friend do you need the husband? I just do not understand fully this phrase.
    I am asking?

    I think by this people mean that their husband/wife is like a best friend as well as a lover/partner, not instead of. They have shared interests, have a laugh together regularly, go and do things together that aren't like "dates", see things beyond a sexual or family (married with kids) sort of way. Many people don't have this, despite having a great marriage. They love their spouse but can't talk to them in the same way a friend. It doesn't make it right or wrong, just different.

    My partner is like my best friend because he's always there for me, I can and do talk to him about anything, way more than any friend I've had (and I have some great friends, but it's still not at that level) and we have plenty shared interests.

    What marks the difference between best friend and spouse is that you wouldn't have sex/sexual attraction towards someone who's just a friend.
  • SunofaBeach14
    SunofaBeach14 Posts: 4,899 Member
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    Why do people always say "my husband/wife is my best friend" and this is suppose to be a good sign that they have a successful and harmonious marriage? Why take the vow of marriage to have a best friend? If what is being sort after is a best friend do you need the husband? I just do not understand fully this phrase.

    Could it be that in such relationships the marriage has reduced itself down to a basic friendship which is a sign that it has become stagnant and is possibly in trouble? I am married for over 15 years and have a best friend of over 20 years but would not want my relationship with my husband to be reduced to this level. A marriage is on a totally different level. I can see this situation realizing itself if one finds themselves alone in the world and only has a husband and no other social outlet - then yes the husband becomes the best friend. But is this normal?

    I am asking?

    FWB
  • GinNJuice75
    GinNJuice75 Posts: 186 Member
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    Yes and no. From someone who isnt married i would say its just a piece of paper. Along with *usually* a big wedding bill along with the honeymoon. Although i could go for a honeymoon hmmm. Being common law in the eyes of the law is almost the same thing anyways. Just when you break up you dont have to pay for a divorce.heh
  • Plooty222
    Plooty222 Posts: 76 Member
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    Ask yourself:

    Do you want to have someone to share the most incredible moments of your life with?

    Do you want to have someone to share the absolute worst moments of your life with?

    Are you willing to reciprocate?

    @Derp_diggler - Beautifully put!
  • hbrittingham
    hbrittingham Posts: 2,518 Member
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    Why do people always say "my husband/wife is my best friend" and this is suppose to be a good sign that they have a successful and harmonious marriage? Why take the vow of marriage to have a best friend? If what is being sort after is a best friend do you need the husband? I just do not understand fully this phrase.
    I am asking?

    I think by this people mean that their husband/wife is like a best friend as well as a lover/partner, not instead of. They have shared interests, have a laugh together regularly, go and do things together that aren't like "dates", see things beyond a sexual or family (married with kids) sort of way. Many people don't have this, despite having a great marriage. They love their spouse but can't talk to them in the same way a friend. It doesn't make it right or wrong, just different.

    My partner is like my best friend because he's always there for me, I can and do talk to him about anything, way more than any friend I've had (and I have some great friends, but it's still not at that level) and we have plenty shared interests.

    What marks the difference between best friend and spouse is that you wouldn't have sex/sexual attraction towards someone who's just a friend.

    You nailed it!
  • Cruvas
    Cruvas Posts: 4
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    My parents divorced when I was young and then went on to just live together until a year before my dad's death, when they remarried so my mother would get everything easier. They were happier without the oaths, more so than with and I would say that in some ways yes marriage might of been a waste of time FOR THEM, but they did learn from that mistake so there is that. For some reason that institution added unhappiness and caused great grief in their lives, go figure.

    Now, I met my husband Thanksgiving 1983 and married him Feb. 18 1984. I was told that no way in Netu would that last as he is aTexan, Republican, a churchgoer, and an avid supporter of the NRA, while I am a Mainer, Independent, don't do church, and really don't like guns. Never mind the whole we had only dated twice, were military, and didn't really 'know' each other thing we had going on. LOL, 30 years and 3 children later we are still going strong. The first few years I was even a military 'single' mom as he was at sea 8 to 10 months of the year. There have been ups and downs, lots of fights, and lots of compromises but I wouldn't give up the experience for anything. So what if after my kids there is no one to remember me, go out into any cemetery and try to find someone you DO know (that your not related to).

    I have some poetry published and write all the time so not missing out on that. As far as finding the next ground breaking vaccine or writing the next best seller, I am NOT Stephen King, or Stephen Hawkins, never was and would never be even if I wasn't married so really don't see the point your trying to make here. A lot of people go through life single, and happy I'm sure, but they still end up in the ground unknown and forgotten. Heck a lot of famous people get forgotten generations after their death and seriously, without looking it up on google, who were the last few Noble Peace Prize winners (there's been 196 total so far. Martin Luther King Jr. was one, he was MARRIED and is remembered. Mother Teresa was another, she was SINGLE and is semi-remembered).

    Life is what YOU make of it. Nothing is a waste of time in my book, you can always learn from your mistakes so not even they are a waste.
  • MissKim78
    MissKim78 Posts: 426 Member
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    Ask yourself:

    Do you want to have someone to share the most incredible moments of your life with?

    Do you want to have someone to share the absolute worst moments of your life with?

    Are you willing to reciprocate?



    You can have that without that piece of paper! Me and my BF do. Marriage is a personal choice....but it is really no different that living common law. Aside from saving money on the wedding and divorce!
  • Ashwee87
    Ashwee87 Posts: 695 Member
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    I was married, still am legally. Unfortunately it was to someone who felt the need to cheat on me physically and emotionally more than once. Marriage is not for me, and I am totally okay with that. So once my divorce is final, I don't plan to ever remarry. It's time for me to focus on ME and my son. It's something that is fine with me, but may be different for others.
  • obrientp
    obrientp Posts: 546 Member
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    Marriage is a very hard thing and requires people with qualities like selflessness,magnanimity,pragmatism,empathy & candor.

    Those are qualities required in any relationship, really, not just marriage. Two people can have their lives intertwined in every way including financially and legally, especially if there is property or kids involved. A person doesn't have to be married to be devastated by an affair.
  • AshleyMeggg
    AshleyMeggg Posts: 148 Member
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    Why do people always say "my husband/wife is my best friend" and this is suppose to be a good sign that they have a successful and harmonious marriage? Why take the vow of marriage to have a best friend? If what is being sort after is a best friend do you need the husband? I just do not understand fully this phrase.

    Could it be that in such relationships the marriage has reduced itself down to a basic friendship which is a sign that it has become stagnant and is possibly in trouble? I am married for over 15 years and have a best friend of over 20 years but would not want my relationship with my husband to be reduced to this level. A marriage is on a totally different level. I can see this situation realizing itself if one finds themselves alone in the world and only has a husband and no other social outlet - then yes the husband becomes the best friend. But is this normal?

    I am asking?

    This sums up my feelings exactly. Granted, I'm young and I've never even considered marriage with the people I've dated, but my best friend is a perfect best friend, but if that's all I got from my husband (admittedly, there would be the physical attraction also) I would never be satisfied. Sure, I would gladly live with my best friend, even raise kids with her, but I feel a marriage should be more than being able to live in agreement and entertain each other.
  • poedunk65
    poedunk65 Posts: 1,336 Member
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    Marriage is a lifetime promise you make to the person you love. It's like everything else in life, you get out of it what you put into it.

    It's so sad that kids today are raised for the here and now. It's too easy to get a divorce nowadays.

    I have been married for over 30 years and not all of it was cake and ice cream.

    Old school values are way more important than getting your kid the newest phone or gaming system.
  • AmoreCouture
    AmoreCouture Posts: 255 Member
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    It is if you can't get past being selfish etc. As for being able to do other things, marriage does not inhibit anyone from doing great things. If they feel marriage is a trap, they either have the wrong mind set about it, or they're with the wrong person! Lol.
  • daydreamblighter
    daydreamblighter Posts: 28
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    I loved my wedding day and I enjoy being married (5 years now). Yeah my wedding was expensive, but it was a beautiful, fun day shared with all my friends and family (and my wife's).

    HOWEVER:

    I'm far from convinced that human beings are built for monogamy.

    Here are two relevant and enlightening presentations related to this issue:

    Are we designed to be sexual omnivores?:
    http://www.ted.com/talks/christopher_ryan_are_we_designed_to_be_sexual_omnivores

    The secret to desire in a long term relationship: http://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_the_secret_to_desire_in_a_long_term_relationship
  • mruntidy
    mruntidy Posts: 1,015 Member
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    Marriage is totally worth it - I was eating wedding cake for weeks and I have a drawer full of cuttlery that I have no idea what it's used for
  • mank32
    mank32 Posts: 1,323 Member
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    i find so much wrong with this mentality...

    1. you really think the world's proportion of self-centered, egoistic, inconsiderate narcissists has changed significantly? i doubt it. people are people are people, and they have been, have been, have been.

    2. likewise, adultery and betrayal have not 'become the norm.' they've been around since the beginning, and i'd contend these acts and their prevalence have changed very little over the course of human history. the ways in which we think and talk about them may have changed.

    3. isn't saying you don't want to get married because of the adultery & betrayal of others kind of like saying you don't want to go to college because X% of college students don't graduate? in either case, what's their behavior got to do with yours?

    4. if you're considering what you 'get in return' from marriage, i think you're kind of missing the point. i've never been (legally) married, but i think i get it: "i give myself to you, and i 'get' yourself in return, and anything else that i 'get' as a result of our union, positive or negative, i unequivocally accept as part of the deal."

    5. you don't have to have a spouse to be remembered when you die. hopefully you'll have family and friends too, which most people have, including unmarrieds. usually one ends up with more of these than spouses. unmarried =/= lonely.

    6. many brilliant achievers are able to do what they do because the have a spouse to make meals, care for children, keep house, etc. so they can spend tons of time in the lab/studio/university/etc. ever read the acknowledgments page in a book?

    TL;DR: marriage is the cart, the love your life is the horse. do not put the wrong one first.
  • brewji
    brewji Posts: 752 Member
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    It's not for everyone. That being said, I would be lost without my wife.

    +1

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