Dealing with Haters
Replies
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To those saying "don't be at their level" and "don't lash out"
this isn't lashing out- this is defending yourself- your personage. It would be different if she started it- but defending yourself is completely different- i would never purposefully pick apart someone's insecurities- unless they threatened me first. Then it's fair game.
I just know that in my experience, trying to fight fire with fire didn't work. It never made the bully back down. They would just come back with something nastier and it never ended. It didn't stop them from being nasty, and it didn't make me feel better. It just made me feel embarrassed for being just as immature when I knew I was better than that.0 -
The university where I work has a zero tolerance policy for bullying or what they call "bias" incidents such as racially-motivated attacks or attacks against someone's sexual orientation. What these women are doing to you is WRONG and you have every right to take this back to your teacher and on up to administration until the offenders are removed from your class.
I agree with the people who are suggesting you keep whatever documentation you can of the bullying incidents. I do not agree with the people who are suggesting you stoop to the bullies' level and fling insults back at them. That is only going to add fuel to the fire because they'll then know they've got you and will only torment you more.
You did the right thing in talking to your teacher, but unfortunately it seems the bullies do not respect his authority enough to toe the line. I think it's time you bring this to your Dean of Students office (or whatever administrative office handles student issues). Tell the administration you no longer feel safe in the class, that your grades are suffering and that you want those women removed from your class. File a restraining order if you have to.
Here's a link I found online that explains a school's responsibility when it comes to addressing bullying complaints.
http://www.stopbullying.gov/laws/federal/
Good Luck!0 -
And sorry, but anyone saying "tell the school" probably hasn't actually been bullied.
Please don't 'assume' that. You don't speak for me, or others here. I've been bullied on and off all my life, and in school. I was physically attacked, and bullied and when I spoke up it stopped.
Honestly OP.... we're trying to give you the best advice we can... its up to you to decide on what to do. Personally, and I guess I'm an evil person, but if the girl was calling the Dean, "DADDY"... I'd have his job.
Good for you, glad that worked. When a teacher got involved in this instance it only made things worse. So I stand by my statement that going to the administration isn't going to do a damn thing. The Dean isn't going to get fired over this. The local newspapers aren't going to write a story.
The only person she can depend on is herself. So she needs to be strong enough to do that.
I'm inclined to agree with this. I remember my parents wanting to step in when I was a child- and it was just so much better to not have them there- it made it worse. I came into my own and learned how to deal with it myself.
papers won't write a story unless it's connected with someone and they can blow up a story about someone's daughter. being that it's a vocational school I am just not seeing the inappropriate "daddy" context stuff ruining his career.0 -
I just know that in my experience, trying to fight fire with fire didn't work. It never made the bully back down. They would just come back with something nastier and it never ended. It didn't stop them from being nasty, and it didn't make me feel better. It just made me feel embarrassed for being just as immature when I knew I was better than that.
you don't fight fire with fire.
you napalm the fu*k out of them.0 -
Second, I teach at night school and I have overheard students do this to other students
It probably shouldn't make me feel better that other people get bullied as adults in night school, should it?
So the general consensus is I'm going to need to figure out a way to tune them out, collect what I can even if I don't turn them in , and bust my butt getting as fit as I can.
You are not the only one is my point. This is happening everywhere. It is a different type of bullying than what I grew up with. I am 57 and was bullied from 6th grade on because I had a size D cup, but it was only name calling. At one point, I did get one of the bullies alone and I beat her up and gave her a swirly. These days, the bullies post pictures online, harass others using the internet and other technology, and make the bullying into a public spectacle.
Bullies are usually insecure people who try to boost themselves by picking on other people. One thing that I found helpful was to find people who didn't like what was going on and have them stand up for you. Bullies tend to back down when they realize that others are not going to support what they are doing. I often stood up for underdogs because I was raised on a farm. I have guns back then from pitching bales of hay and straw. I had no problem decking someone and getting suspended from school, but that is not an option these days, unfortunately. How would these two girls act if they knew that the person they were picking on would beat them up if they keep doing it? They would probably rethink things if a good fight was allowed, but these days fighting back is not seen as defending oneself. You're supposed to go to the school officials and have them deal with YOUR problem. So follow the rules and go to the school officials. Be aggressive about it and make sure that they follow their own guidelines. Most schools have guidelines in place as to what they will do in such cases. If they don't follow the guidelines, hire a lawyer and include the cost of the lawyer in your lawsuit.0 -
I really have no words to say how I feel about their bullying! Go to your spin class!! It will get easier. I remember my first class - after about 10 minutes, I thought I was dying, but I kept going back. You can do it!! Good luck and hang in there!0
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First off I just want to say that reading your initial post made me want to cry! For anyone to act this way toward someone else is absolutely despicable and, like so many others have already said, says so much about them and their insecurities and not a thing about you. I don’t agree with making rude, mean spirited comments back at them or resorting to violence at all. In the end it won’t help and will only put you on their level. Be better than they are, more so than you already are.
It’s silly to think that healthy, fit people don’t want to look at fat, unfit, unhealthy people, especially at the gym. Sure, some healthy people may think that, but I’m willing to bet that far more people at the gym are happy to see these people there. Personally, I love seeing these people in the gym – I was one of them a year ago! I admire them. I respect them. And the reason for this is because THEY ARE TRYING. I love seeing them push themselves and do things they weren’t sure they could do. Just like everyone else, they are succeeding every time they walk through that door and jump on a bike or pick up some weights or go just a little bit longer, even if it’s only 10 seconds.
So, whenever they make snide comments or say hurtful things, as hard as it is, tuck it away until you can get to the gym. You can pull that anger and hurt out while you’re there and use it to fire yourself up and fuel your workouts. Use it to help you push yourself that much closer toward your goals.
And finally, remember this:
Sometimes I feel like giving up, then I remember I have a lot of motherf****ers to prove wrong.0 -
Bullies are usually insecure people who try to boost themselves by picking on other people. One thing that I found helpful was to find people who didn't like what was going on and have them stand up for you. Bullies tend to back down when they realize that others are not going to support what they are doing.
Exactly. People who bully others are looking for a self-esteem boost. They wanted to be accepted by others, and when their peers respond positively to their bullying, then they feel good. If someone else makes it clear that their behavior isn't cool, then they've lost that sense of acceptance that they crave.0 -
It's hard. I know. I have had things like that happen to me. You are not alone. And they are not right. You are on a journey that is hard but you can do this. And DAMN, you WENT to spinning and at least you started. That is an accomplishment you should be proud of. Don't let their poor behavior stop you. You can do this. Really, you can and little steps should be celebrated. Let US celebrate you and ignore those with hate in their heart.0
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SAVE THAT BULLYING EMAIL. You will need to show it to someone in authority to prove the bullying.
In the meantime, here are some comebacks.
"Is someone trying to talk to me? You're just so scrawny I can't see you."
"I don't pay attention to skeletons."
"Preparing for your Skeletor audition, I see."
"You mean you can speak? I thought you'd be too weak, given how skinny you are."
"Kwashiorkor?"
"Doesn't your mother feed you?"
"I bet you're flunking this class. How can you even think when you're starving?"
"do you have a stealth mode when you turn side ways" or is that just an optical illusion.
ooohhhhh
man that's a hell of an optical illusion- youre so tiny- but your head... it's just so BIG- how do you fit that giant ego of your's through the door- I'mmma start calling you houdini!!!
also- I give people ridiculous nick names- so if I need to and am feeling uncomfortable I can have my own private joke at someone else's expense- makes me feel more comfortable.
yes- it's shallow- but no- I don't like feeling taken advantage of so it works.
Not very effective. An obese person making fun of somebody who is thin, the socially prefered size, is like a poor person making fun of a rich person's wealth.
The sting just isn't there.0 -
SAVE THAT BULLYING EMAIL. You will need to show it to someone in authority to prove the bullying.
In the meantime, here are some comebacks.
"Is someone trying to talk to me? You're just so scrawny I can't see you."
"I don't pay attention to skeletons."
"Preparing for your Skeletor audition, I see."
"You mean you can speak? I thought you'd be too weak, given how skinny you are."
"Kwashiorkor?"
"Doesn't your mother feed you?"
"I bet you're flunking this class. How can you even think when you're starving?"
"do you have a stealth mode when you turn side ways" or is that just an optical illusion.
ooohhhhh
man that's a hell of an optical illusion- youre so tiny- but your head... it's just so BIG- how do you fit that giant ego of your's through the door- I'mmma start calling you houdini!!!
also- I give people ridiculous nick names- so if I need to and am feeling uncomfortable I can have my own private joke at someone else's expense- makes me feel more comfortable.
yes- it's shallow- but no- I don't like feeling taken advantage of so it works.
Not very effective. An obese person making fun of somebody who is thin, the socially prefered size, is like a poor person making fun of a rich person's wealth.
The sting just isn't there.
there is a way to zing almost anyone. it's all about timing and delivery. I went to a military school- you make fun of EVERYONE for EVERYTHING. She could make it work.0 -
put your energy into your spinning class.
I'd personally start making waif blowing away jokes. Or making comments about their food- I'm shallow like that- if you attack my on that level- I'll attack you right back (I'm kind of in line with Fat Amy's mental process from Pitch Perfect).. I woudl totally say- OMG THOSE 100 calorie chips are going to make your vagina fall out of your shorts!!! it got fat!!!
or something- I have no shame- they have gone above and beyond- which means all jokes are fair enough to them. You may not feel that way- and a lot of others probably won't either- but what they are doing is unacceptable- I got to stage 10.
If it goes 1-1 then 2-2 people just keep matching. But they did 1- and you probably tried 1- and they just keep pushing. Go to def con 10 stage 12- over the top. Usually puts people in their place immediately.
I't probably go with a Churchill type comment as well "I may be fat today - but I won't be fat forever: you unfortunately will be shallow vapid and ugly inside probably for the rest of your life"
"making fun of fat people at the gym is like making fun of sick people at the hospital"
no one said healthy had to be skinny. healthy is about your whole body- not what something looks like."You should quit trying to do Spinning, because no one healthy wants to look at this."
Also- how am I supposed to get healthy if I quit?
"perhaps you should quit talking- because no one nice wants to hear your voice"
Start weight lifting and then ask them how much they can dead lift
I cant' stand people like that- I would have shut that down immediately- i have no patience for such things- but zingers are kind of my thing so I tend to go their first.
Good luck to you!!! Message me if you need more moral support!!!
QFT0 -
make sure you document all interactions.
go see a counselor as well.
save the email!!! print it out! and share it with a counselor.
This0 -
SAVE THAT BULLYING EMAIL. You will need to show it to someone in authority to prove the bullying.
In the meantime, here are some comebacks.
"Is someone trying to talk to me? You're just so scrawny I can't see you."
"I don't pay attention to skeletons."
"Preparing for your Skeletor audition, I see."
"You mean you can speak? I thought you'd be too weak, given how skinny you are."
"Kwashiorkor?"
"Doesn't your mother feed you?"
"I bet you're flunking this class. How can you even think when you're starving?"
"do you have a stealth mode when you turn side ways" or is that just an optical illusion.
ooohhhhh
man that's a hell of an optical illusion- youre so tiny- but your head... it's just so BIG- how do you fit that giant ego of your's through the door- I'mmma start calling you houdini!!!
also- I give people ridiculous nick names- so if I need to and am feeling uncomfortable I can have my own private joke at someone else's expense- makes me feel more comfortable.
yes- it's shallow- but no- I don't like feeling taken advantage of so it works.
Not very effective. An obese person making fun of somebody who is thin, the socially prefered size, is like a poor person making fun of a rich person's wealth.
The sting just isn't there.
Yes it is. People who do that to people are INSECURE themselves. There's ALWAYS a way to make it sting. Always.0 -
Sorry but they are *****@s. That is brutal and all about them not you. I know it still hurts and enrages you however. I hate mean people. Use your anger towards exercise. Binging is only a temporary fix and you will feel worse. I am an emotional eater myself. There are a lot of good people on this site. I would report that email though. I am 43. Mom of two. Non-judgemental, forgiving and humorous. Be strong. If you want to add me, please do so.0
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I bet your school has a code of conduct that forbids this. And using your school email to harass you is probably violating the school's IT policies, too. Document everything they say, keep every awful thing they send you—then take all your records of this bullying/harassment to your school's office of judicial affairs (or equivalent). There is NO excuse for these girls' behavior. And I bet that since they're harassing you, they're harassing others, too. Get the school administration to put an end to this.0
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Please read this & watch the video at the end! :flowerforyou:
http://gustavoalfaro.com/2014/03/dont-make-fun/
& read this too!
http://www.closeronline.co.uk/2014/03/to-the-fatty-running-on-the-track-this-afternoon-facebook-user-pens-surprising-message-to-overweight-runner
YOU CAN DO THIS - NEVER QUIT!0 -
I am sorry this is happening.
I agree with the others who said this should be reported. Save the emails, texts, etc from them and report them. You have proof. If you don't get the results you want from the school administration, here is your recourse:
1) Tell the administration you want to leave because of them and you just might do that.
2) Go public. Contact your town newspaper and give them this story. Give them the screen shots, texts, etc and give them documentation of dates/times you met with school officials and that they did nothing to stop it. If your school has a Facebook page, post the information there. Create a blog. Go to the web site called Topix (can't remember if it's .com or .net) and find the Topix page for your town/geographical area. Post a message about the bullying problem at your school. Give all the background information and mention the school is doing nothing to stop it. See if your town or area has a Patch web site. If so, contact them and give them all the information as well.
I would want this school to go out of business if they allow things like this to happen.
I was bullied myself sporatically and in the 10th grade I put a stop to it for good, but in a way that you can't duplicate yourself.
In college, I did have an issue in one of my classes with 2 women I had to work on a project with. I don't even know what their problem was, but in class a few times after that they would point at me and laugh and said something about me in a group with others. I did nothing wrong. Moreover, one was around my age (early 20s) and the other was a woman in her 40s, which was pathetic. I figured it reflected poorly on them and not me. The class ended soon afterwards.
Please consider taking my advice. Bullying occurs because it is allowed. That needs to end.
If you take it public, who's the bully then?
This happened with a headhunter and a person looking for a job through linked-in. The headhunter emailed a not so nice reply to the job-seeker who then took it public. Both were being called bullies and I would have to agree.0 -
Yes - do this today.0
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I will never understand why people act like this. Especially adults.
They're wasting all of that energy; what are they getting out of it? I just really don't get it.
PS: You're already more bada$$ than me. I'm too scared to even ATTEMPT a spinning class
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How old are these girls? Are they serious? Honestly, you are way too nice because I would have made them cry by now. Clearly they lack anything important in their life and are REALLY insecure. People tend to deal with their own insecurities by making fun of others....They also may just be giant b*tches. If it was the workplace, I would have more tact and deal with it through the proper authority/HR etc but this is only school so tell them to go *kitten* themselves. I wouldn't attack their weight or how they look or anything about them really, that makes you just as bad- Just let them know that they cannot talk to you/treat you like that and make sure you make yourself HEARD! not "please dont do that, it hurts my feelings" more like "listen b*tch - I don't know what makes you think it's ok to treat people like this but its not - why don't you stop being an *kitten* and worry about your own life - No one but your stupid little friends care what you think or say anyway so *kitten* off"0
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Also, I would suggest -- Start recording them with you phone EVERY TIME they start this. When they start, whip out your phone and tell them that you are recording them so you will have evidence of every thing they say, word for word. If they KNOW that you are documenting everything they say and do, they will probably leave you alone.0
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I am so sorry you have to put up with this! I was picked on in school all the way from 5th grade on. I admit I was a weird kid, but this didn't help.
I think I'd limit my comments to something like "You're not in high school anymore."0 -
If you give them a reaction, you're just giving them more of a reason to annoy you. Just know that when you get to your goal weight, they're the ones who are going to feel like jerks. One of the best feelings in the world is doing something other people say you can't do. Let your haters motivate you to prove them wrong.
We're all here for you on here!0 -
PS - my mom always taught me to hit back - someone on the playground is being a bully and hitting you - hit them back once and make it count. Guess what? It works - There is nothing wrong with defending yourself - do not go out of your way to cause a fight, be mean, dont be a bully yourself, dont make fun of people and generally treat people the way you want to be treated but if someone is being rude/ruthless/mean/abusive - there is NOTHING wrong with defending yourself.0
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SAVE THAT BULLYING EMAIL. You will need to show it to someone in authority to prove the bullying.
In the meantime, here are some comebacks.
"Is someone trying to talk to me? You're just so scrawny I can't see you."
"I don't pay attention to skeletons."
"Preparing for your Skeletor audition, I see."
"You mean you can speak? I thought you'd be too weak, given how skinny you are."
"Kwashiorkor?"
"Doesn't your mother feed you?"
"I bet you're flunking this class. How can you even think when you're starving?"
"do you have a stealth mode when you turn side ways" or is that just an optical illusion.
ooohhhhh
man that's a hell of an optical illusion- youre so tiny- but your head... it's just so BIG- how do you fit that giant ego of your's through the door- I'mmma start calling you houdini!!!
also- I give people ridiculous nick names- so if I need to and am feeling uncomfortable I can have my own private joke at someone else's expense- makes me feel more comfortable.
yes- it's shallow- but no- I don't like feeling taken advantage of so it works.
Not very effective. An obese person making fun of somebody who is thin, the socially prefered size, is like a poor person making fun of a rich person's wealth.
The sting just isn't there.
Yes it is. People who do that to people are INSECURE themselves. There's ALWAYS a way to make it sting. Always.
But that assumes the person's weak spot is her weight.
Considering the fact that the girls are all talking about wanting to be even smaller, "making fun" of their slender state is a compliment.
Fat people who think calling somebody who enjoys being slim/small or very fit "skeleton", anorexic, or any other such bunk is effective are delusional. Yes you do have some very slim people who are insecure about their size, but for the most part lobbing insults at a slim person who is PROUD of their size just makes you look like a fool in the end.
If I'm super lean, and want to be so, and somebody comes up on me screaming "eat a hamburger you damn skeleton" do you seriously think I'm going to be even remotely bothered?0 -
Well the haters are noticing you. You can use this against the haters.
when they make a snide remark - answer them back with a confident answer. Even if you dont feel confident but act like it.
What you have to do is answer them like this - lets say they say "A person like you will never be skinny" (which is a lie but just using it for example). then you say something like "I'm glad you noticed how beautiful i am". Thats totally an answer to throw them off because it doesn't quite make sense and would make them have to think about what you meant. they will look stupid with that deer in the headlights look.
so you always answer with a confident look and then walk away as if you are proud to be you.
the one thing you do not do is answer defensively. That mkes you feel bad plus adds fuel to their fire.
so you have to answer them with a confident answer tellin them how YOU feel and how you are for real.
you could say like "My inner beauty shines over all".. or something like that. whatever doens't sound dorky to you.0 -
Post their numbers and emails on here. We'll flood their inboxes with so much hate mail we'll crash the system. :explode:0
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Why do people keep asking what the age of these bullies is? The youngest is 20 and the oldest is 35. Yes, I call the 35 year a bully because standing by and not doing something about it means that she is condoning the behavior. Giggling at the jokes means she is definitely supporting what they are doing.
As I mentioned earlier, I teach adult evening classes. The oldest person to bully another in one of my classes was 48 years old. Bullying has no age boundary. At one of my workplaces, I intervened when a 50-some year old nurse bullied a 20-some year old nurse.
I abide by two of Martin Luther King's quotes:
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."
"He who passively accepts evil is as much involved in it as he who helps to perpetrate it. He who accepts evil without protesting against it is really cooperating with it."0 -
Sorry you're going through that. People amaze me sometimes and not in a good way. They are only doing it because they are in a group. If it was just one, she probably wouldn't have the balls to be so blatantly rude. Reporting them will go no where and just make them bully you more. Sorry, but nobody knows what to do about it. They will tell the girls to stop and they will just find a different way to torment you. Just keep doing the spin class, that is a hard class! I know it's hard to just try to ignore, but reporting, retaliation, just don't work (in my experience). Ignoring and moving forward with yourself, as hard as that is, is the answer. Keep it up!0
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