Dealing with Haters
Replies
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I'm going to play the "mom" card here
My daughter is a college freshman, and I work at a university.
Go to the Dean of Students, or the equivalent at your university. Show them the texts/messages/etc that they have been sending you. Tell them about the fraudulent use of your email account. Our IT department doesn't take kindly to that sort of thing. On the whole, I think schools/colleges/universities are taking bullying much more seriously than they have in the past - and let's be honest, this is exactly what they are doing.
And following JoRocka's advice wouldn't hurt either.
^^^This!!! I'm not a mom, but I am a prof. You need to report it again, and your school needs to take it seriously. Bullying should not be tolerated. It is affecting you--you mention your grades as one example, but it probably has other effects too.
Meanwhile--enjoy your spinning. In my experience at being at the gym (for over 20 years), most people I know applaud those who are trying. We recognize it's harder for them, particularly at the beginning. So I applaud you, and encourage you to keep it up. And don't let this group get to you. It's sad to me to hear that 20-somethings think it's okay to do this to others. When are they planning to grow up?
^^This x1000!
Their signing you up for other websites may be a violation of school rules, but I'd bet that their e-mailing you is.
This isn't just bullying - it's harassment, plain and simple. Putting it in that context changes everything in the minds of people to whom you're reporting. To some, bullying sounds like something kids do, sort of a rite of passage, that people need to get over. When you say that it's harassment, it becomes an adult issue.
Don't keep quiet. Don't hit back, literally or figuratively, because that brings you down to their level. However they need to realize that this kind of harassment has consequences, and they either need to grow up or get out of the school because this isn't a school for children.
I can't believe that they are as old as they are.
ETA that you should keep on Spinning! It's my favorite workout. It's hard as hell at first but gets very enjoyable pretty quickly. Stick with it!0 -
@OP: They see you improving yourself and getting confident, and they feel threatened that you'll be competition, so they want to demoralize you. Keep up the good work you're doing and rub their noses in it. If you're the fight fire with fire type, and it won't get you in trouble, buy a bottle of medicated shampoo. Take it with you, give it to HBIC, and say, "Hey, I heard everyone at the bar has crabs. I thought you might need this." and walk away leaving her holding it. Chances are, her cronies will turn on her because you just made her the new target. Seriously...some rabid wolves have better social skills. You're already doing great and there's a ton of support here for you. Don't quit because of insecure people! ::
(Edit: typos)0 -
I always think of these when I deal with idiots. And I have to deal with them daily. Hopefully they can help you as well.
"The Paradoxical Commandments"
People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.
If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.
If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.
The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.
Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.
The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.
People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.
What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.
People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.
Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway.0 -
SAVE THAT BULLYING EMAIL. You will need to show it to someone in authority to prove the bullying.
In the meantime, here are some comebacks.
"Is someone trying to talk to me? You're just so scrawny I can't see you."
"I don't pay attention to skeletons."
"Preparing for your Skeletor audition, I see."
"You mean you can speak? I thought you'd be too weak, given how skinny you are."
"Kwashiorkor?"
"Doesn't your mother feed you?"
"I bet you're flunking this class. How can you even think when you're starving?"
"do you have a stealth mode when you turn side ways" or is that just an optical illusion.
ooohhhhh
man that's a hell of an optical illusion- youre so tiny- but your head... it's just so BIG- how do you fit that giant ego of your's through the door- I'mmma start calling you houdini!!!
also- I give people ridiculous nick names- so if I need to and am feeling uncomfortable I can have my own private joke at someone else's expense- makes me feel more comfortable.
yes- it's shallow- but no- I don't like feeling taken advantage of so it works.
Not very effective. An obese person making fun of somebody who is thin, the socially prefered size, is like a poor person making fun of a rich person's wealth.
The sting just isn't there.
Yes it is. People who do that to people are INSECURE themselves. There's ALWAYS a way to make it sting. Always.
But that assumes the person's weak spot is her weight.
Considering the fact that the girls are all talking about wanting to be even smaller, "making fun" of their slender state is a compliment.
Fat people who think calling somebody who enjoys being slim/small or very fit "skeleton", anorexic, or any other such bunk is effective are delusional. Yes you do have some very slim people who are insecure about their size, but for the most part lobbing insults at a slim person who is PROUD of their size just makes you look like a fool in the end.
If I'm super lean, and want to be so, and somebody comes up on me screaming "eat a hamburger you damn skeleton" do you seriously think I'm going to be even remotely bothered?
whosh - there went the opint I was making.
People who are THAT aggressive bulling are making themselves feel taller- by making other people feel smaller. period.
it's an insecurity. They have them- probably lots.
And it can be exploited. period. The actual nature of the comment is irrelevant as long as it is swift and to the point and extremely narrowed in.0 -
I was pretty severely bullied back in school. Not just name-calling (which is terrible enough, I know) but also physical abuse, and I honestly don't know if I have advice that can help.
You could try giving back as good as you get, but this may not work. I tried teasing a skinny bully but what limited success I had led to me getting punched more. If you go this route, you might focus on how immature they are. My bullies had mostly grown up and stopped by the time they were 17. If these girls are in their 20s, they must be emotionally stunted.
Reporting them is definitely an option and may work if their punishment is severe enough. On the other hand, it could backfire and make you the target of their friends. Make sure you have proof for this option.
This may be a cliche, but it will get better. When you finish school, you can select a job that suits you and surround yourself with people that are encouraging.
In the meantime, you could try to ignore them. If they stop getting a rise out of you, they may stop. Pretend like they don't even exist. Spend this time working on yourself. Build patience. Go to the gym and get strong. Work on developing a new skill or area of knowledge.
A less typical reaction would be to go out of your way to be kind and complimentary toward them. Every time they are mean to you, find something nice to say about them. If they are capable of maturing, this might help them. When they're alone with their thoughts, they may think about how mean they are to someone that's nice to them and they may grow as people. The only successful way to stop a bully that I've experienced is for them to grow up already.0 -
SAVE THAT BULLYING EMAIL. You will need to show it to someone in authority to prove the bullying.
In the meantime, here are some comebacks.
"Is someone trying to talk to me? You're just so scrawny I can't see you."
"I don't pay attention to skeletons."
"Preparing for your Skeletor audition, I see."
"You mean you can speak? I thought you'd be too weak, given how skinny you are."
"Kwashiorkor?"
"Doesn't your mother feed you?"
"I bet you're flunking this class. How can you even think when you're starving?"
"do you have a stealth mode when you turn side ways" or is that just an optical illusion.
ooohhhhh
man that's a hell of an optical illusion- youre so tiny- but your head... it's just so BIG- how do you fit that giant ego of your's through the door- I'mmma start calling you houdini!!!
also- I give people ridiculous nick names- so if I need to and am feeling uncomfortable I can have my own private joke at someone else's expense- makes me feel more comfortable.
yes- it's shallow- but no- I don't like feeling taken advantage of so it works.
Not very effective. An obese person making fun of somebody who is thin, the socially prefered size, is like a poor person making fun of a rich person's wealth.
The sting just isn't there.
Yes it is. People who do that to people are INSECURE themselves. There's ALWAYS a way to make it sting. Always.
But that assumes the person's weak spot is her weight.
Considering the fact that the girls are all talking about wanting to be even smaller, "making fun" of their slender state is a compliment.
Fat people who think calling somebody who enjoys being slim/small or very fit "skeleton", anorexic, or any other such bunk is effective are delusional. Yes you do have some very slim people who are insecure about their size, but for the most part lobbing insults at a slim person who is PROUD of their size just makes you look like a fool in the end.
If I'm super lean, and want to be so, and somebody comes up on me screaming "eat a hamburger you damn skeleton" do you seriously think I'm going to be even remotely bothered?
whosh - there went the opint I was making.
People who are THAT aggressive bulling are making themselves feel taller- by making other people feel smaller. period.
it's an insecurity. They have them- probably lots.
And it can be exploited. period. The actual nature of the comment is irrelevant as long as it is swift and to the point and extremely narrowed in.
Of course they have some deep rooted insecurities. A point I mentioned in my first post in this thread.
But advising her to throw some "skeletal zingers" at a group of girls who love being thin isn't going to do a damn thing.
But OK, sure. OP listen up. Try and come back at these girls with some of the "zingers" about their waify appearance that you're getting in this thread. Try and body shame these girls at your current size, and see how far that gets you in this battle. I warn you, expect disappointment and a likely increase in the bullying.
There are ways to fight back. I'd recommend the approach mentioned earlier if you chose to verbally respond; repeat their insults casually, loudly, and with an attitude of "do you seriously think you have the power to hurt me"? Much more effective than calling a proudly skinny girl...skinny.0 -
+1Embrace the hate. Use it as fuel.
This. Unless the bullying becomes physical, I honestly don't think it will end from reporting it. Most likely they'll ratchet it up or look for "untraceable" ways to accomplish it (anonymous notes where you'll see them, letters, etc.)
This (the name-calling) is middle school crap. I wouldn't have a problem pointing that out to them but your mileage may vary.
Get your revenge by achieving your weight goals...and then show them to be the shallow wenches they are by remaining yourself once you get there....I.e. by not levying similar remarks against obese people.0 -
I haven't been able to read all the responses (I'm at work...I shouldn't be on here at all haha) but I just have to say that these girls are horrible people and hopefully karma will bite them in the *kitten* in due course. You are a much better person than they are, so hold your head high and KNOW you are better than them.
In terms of how to deal with it, I'm sorry I really have no idea. Personally I'd be tempted to put their emails addresses all over the place to give them a taste of their own medicine, but that may just make things worse. I think reporting it again may be the way to go. Schools need to learn to take bullying seriously...it is so damaging. My brother was bullied in high school and now he is 36 and still has self esteem issues from it. I'm glad he got through it, not everyone does.
I wish you all the best. Use their hate to fuel your determination. Hold your head high and know that you won't have to deal with these cows forever.0 -
Oh, sweetie, this just hurts my little heart! I had a (somewhat) similar experience about 5 years ago, and remembering some of the things that were said to me still makes me want to curl up in a ball under my bed. I'd still gladly punch one person square in her effing face if I had the chance.
This doesn't excuse them AT ALL, but can you imagine what it must be like to live inside their heads? If they have that much hate and filth to share with you, it means they're carrying all that plus a lot more with them all the time. Thank your lucky stars every damn day that you're not them. This is totally random, but at one point I read some article that included pictures of the Dalai Lama and Kim Jong Il, and it struck me that you can see the emotions they lived with for years right on their faces. Those girls may be able to hide it now, but as they get older their misery is going to show on the outside too. I'd take being a little overweight in my 30s over becoming an evil old lady who looks like she's spent her life sucking on lemons any day.
Keep going with the spin class! I'd much rather be in a class with people who are sincerely trying, no matter how big/small/old/unfit/whatever than in a class with judgemental b**ches, and I'd bet most other people feel the same way too. Size alone is a really poor indicator of ability anyway. I hate cardio with a passion and would probably last about 15 minutes in a spin class before I was sucking wind and hoping to die.
...and your kitty's name is AWESOME!0 -
Of course they have some deep rooted insecurities. A point I mentioned in my first post in this thread.
But advising her to throw some "skeletal zingers" at a group of girls who love being thin isn't going to do a damn thing.
But OK, sure. OP listen up. Try and come back at these girls with some of the "zingers" about their waify appearance that you're getting in this thread. Try and body shame these girls at your current size, and see how far that gets you in this battle. I warn you, expect disappointment and a likely increase in the bullying.
There are ways to fight back. I'd recommend the approach mentioned earlier if you chose to verbally respond; repeat their insults casually, loudly, and with an attitude of "do you seriously think you have the power to hurt me"? Much more effective than calling a proudly skinny girl...skinny.
sigh- they are all just thoughts- we don't know the girls specifically- it's not like zingers are wide use- you have to go for it.
I'd go the fat route with them as well- I have no shame.
Either way- if you commit to it and come up with something catty and make a big enough stink- they eventually realize you aren't worth picking on because you bite back. And that's the whole point.
But YMMV- obviously. - it works very well for me- I don't have issues with bully's and I stand up for those who are being picked on for no reason when I see the need.0 -
It's just chronic harassment that creates a hostile environment. Report it to someone and have them sanctioned.
If it is legal, record them doing it for evidence, and post it on YouTube.0 -
OMG THIS PI**ES ME OFF! I want to cram those b*tches into....yeah I'm just gonna stop right here because nobody needs that kind of creative reading.
Bunch of nasty gashes! And an effing 35 year old?! Are you kidding me? I bet she's a real gem, LOVE to meet that one in person.
Anyway, I'm sorry this happens to you. And you've been given some great advice. I often pull great strength from the pit of my guts where the hateful remarks and sh*tty memories lurk. Sometimes during a workout I will actively choose to think about someone or something that just p*sses-me-off and it works like a charm every time, I'll plow right through that workout. It's so terrible when it's happening, but later on when you get some detachment from this garbage, it will make great kindling for your inner fire. Use it now, use their stupid *kitten* against them. Become their worst fear, become fit, strong, empowered and proud of yourself. They don't need to know it's happening, they'll see it happening. I'm 34 years old and believe me, some of these b*tches NEVER grow up. There are a couple down the hall right now that are simply senior versions of what you're talking about. We must move around these people, and sometimes we must plow right through them, but we do not let them move us off our course. We don't! Be good to yourself, whatever you do.
Ugh. I still want to smash them.0 -
The teacher spoke to them last term about the bullying and they let up for about a week, and then came up with the chubby chasers prank. I really don't want to know what will happen if I report them again. I really just don't understand how and why twentysomethings are being so freaking hateful, or how to deal with it. I stress/emotionally eat and I know I do it, and they just keep pushing my buttons.
Maybe making snide comments back is the answer, but then they turn around and report me for a "bad attitude."
Channel all of your hurt and frustration into your exercise.
And remember: You can fix fat, you can never fix an ugly personality.
They will always be ugly (inside), you can change your appearance and will always be beautiful (inside).0 -
They aren't haters, they're *kitten*. Tell them laughing at an overweight person going to the gym is like laughing at a person with cancer going to the doctor. Should shut them up. If not then block their texts/emails.
I love this comeback! To the point and *should* shut them up. And yes, I would totally block their texts and such.0 -
I am so sorry you have to put up with this. These people are incredibly ignorant, immature and outright nasty human beings.
We know how hard it is to have to listen to them, but please do not let them win.
You have all of us in your corner, rooting for you to succeed, and you WILL succeed! Think about all of us here on MFP pulling for you to get to the point where you can finish the class.
Take courage from the fact that you are the better person in every way that matters!0 -
the difference is...you can lose the weight.....they can't lose the ugly.........**fist pump**.... you got this! Keep up your spinning, I admire you. I stopped going to the gym because I didn't like the way I looked compared to others...it was a bit discouraging, but I'm at the point where I am finally past the feeling and I've restarted my food diaries and being more active. I have to rekindle my love of exercise. It's for our lives, and it feels good to feel good... so that 15 minutes was great!! Spinning is no joke! Just wait, each time you go push to add an extra five minutes. Forget the haters! They're usually unhappy with themselves and target others to take the weight off of them. Keep up the good work!0
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Or ..... You could look them straight in the eye and say (faking sincerity)
"Thank you for spending so much time thinking about me"
I realize it takes a lot of energy and forethought"
Then smile nicely and walk away.
Repeat it whenever they start.
I've seen this one work before.
Other than that there ia a lot of good advice here.
I wish you well on your journey.0 -
Those girls suffer from serious self esteem and self hatred issues. I'm sorry you have to deal with that! You don't want to drop down to their level (you are SO much better than that!) . You've been given some good advice. I say, try not to let them get to you, focus on yourself and your happiness, and know that karma is a b****. They will get theirs. Remember that you are THAT important and so BEAUTIFUL! that they can't help but to go out of their way to pay you some attention :-) They want YOUR attention, why else would they be bothering you? Their lives are so boring and meaningless that they can't think of anything better to do but to mess with someone who is actually trying to live and enjoy her life. Try not to give them any attention. Treat them as if they do not exist because in your reality, they don't! You are too focused on living a happy and healthy life that you do not have the time for insecure, negative, miserable, b****es. The best way to get up under someone's skin is to treat them as a non factor because they are just that, non factors.0
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Or ..... You could look them straight in the eye and say (faking sincerity)
"Thank you for spending so much time thinking about me"
Then walk away.
Repeat it whenever they start.
I've seen this one work before.
Other than that there ia a lot of good advice here.
I wish you well on your journey.
that is something I think of too
"wow did you spend all day thinking of those for me? I feel so super extra special that you would devote so much time to me- because to be honest with you- I gave you as much thought as I gave..................................." (fill in the blank with
that upper decker I left at your mom's house (because mom jokes are almost always funny)
" as much thought as I gave- oh wait- I don't have any thoughts for you at all"
" insert any other trival thing you would never care about"0 -
The best revenge in the world in my opinion?? Proving people wrong. Use it as motivation!! And one day when you are where you want to be.. go shove it in their face. The thing I have learned about people like that is that they are so insecure and unhappy with their own lives.. they put others down. In the end, I believe in karma. And Pathetic people like that get what's coming to them. I'm so sorry you have do deal with that.
Don't give up!! Keep going!! And the day you last a full hour will be a great feeling. You can do this!! 0 -
The best revenge is getting thin and then punch their face.0
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I think I'd have to throat punch those punk girls.... I mean.....You just keep doing what you are doing! The heck with those rude bi*t*hes!!! :explode: I hate people like that... Even when you are trying to do something good, there is always someone who thinks they can be mean!0
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the difference is...you can lose the weight.....they can't lose the ugly.........**fist pump**....
^^^ THIS!! OR I can lose weight but you will always be a Bit*h!! :flowerforyou:0 -
I agree with throat punching them!! But seriously, my cousin used to treat me like that.. She is tiny and perfect and pointed out every single flaw that I have ever had in my life... and you know what she is now? Alone. Because she is such a hateful, awful person that no one wants to be around her. Be a good person, work hard for YOU and don't ever become like them. Let them be an example of everything you don't want to be. Document everything that they do to you and file a complaint.0
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Better yet, contact the police.. They are harassing you and depending on the extent of it and your states laws, it may even be considered stalking (far fetched, but possible) Have the police contact them and I would guarantee that it'll stop.0
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The best revenge in the world in my opinion?? Proving people wrong. Use it as motivation!! And one day when you are where you want to be.. go shove it in their face.
I totally disagree with this line of thinking. Not saying it's bad for others to see life this way, but I don't at all. I actually think it would prove NOTHING to these wretched women if you got down to a size 2 and looked hot. They would just hate you anyway! They are filled with hate.
I've actually been pretty lucky not to be bullied for my weight much, but there was one woman who worked in my office when I was at my heaviest (307 lb) who said things behind my back that were reported to me. She was overweight too, just not as drastically as I was at that time. But when I imagine confronting her at my current size or thinner, it really does nothing for me. I am still just as hurt by the comments she made. And if she saw me now at her size or actually a bit smaller than she is, that wouldn't teach her any lesson. That wouldn't right any wrong. Just my opinion.
More ideas for the OP:
Can you physically segregate yourself from these 2 women? Move across the classroom or to the very front or back of the room? I don't know the class size or dimensions of the classroom but surely this is possible. Is there one night school teacher or several?
While you might not want to make big waves like talking to a dean/principal, perhaps it is time for that if the teacher(s) seem to be a dead end for this issue.
I don't like the idea of saying some comeback line to these women like making fun of their own weight, I think they would just laugh at you more and there's no need to stoop to their level. However, what about saying something extremely direct to them, like "What do you get out of being so mean to me? I'd honestly like to know."0 -
the thing about people like this is they have their own insecurities that they are dealing with so they project onto you by teasing and belittling you....trust me they have bigger issues than you....i personally would just ignore them but use their negativity as fuel to make yourself better..keep going to your spin class and sooner or later youll be spinning pass their *kitten*. just dont give up on your goal. keep going and little by little you will get better and then you will be able to look back and feel very accomplished and even help others who were like you used to be.0
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I'm assuming you paid tuition to attend this school. The administrators are not keeping their side of the bargain. I'm sure their literature offered a fulfilling and enjoyable experience. Report these brats as high as you can. Tell them if effective action isn't taken immediately, you will go to the media and a lawyer. They are not fulfilling their contract. Don't accept that. FIGHT!
If you can't fight for yourself, fight for every other person these snags have bullied.0 -
PS - my mom always taught me to hit back - someone on the playground is being a bully and hitting you - hit them back once and make it count. Guess what? It works - There is nothing wrong with defending yourself - do not go out of your way to cause a fight, be mean, dont be a bully yourself, dont make fun of people and generally treat people the way you want to be treated but if someone is being rude/ruthless/mean/abusive - there is NOTHING wrong with defending yourself.
Exactly. I was bulled in 7th and part of 8th grade... it stopped when I stuck up for myself. I first tried to ignore them; at the time, I was shy and insecure and didn't know how to stand up for myself, so ignoring them was safe. It didn't work- in fact, it made them more mean, trying to get a reaction out of me. Then I tried being nice and friendly- yeah, that worked REALLY well. It wasn't until I threatened the queen bee that things stopped. She and I sat next to each other in homeroom and a few other classes due to alphabetical seating. One day, I just got fed up with it, and made a fist wih my middle finger knuckle raised up (I have no idea what that's called, or if it is a thing, I just figured if I actually hit someone like that it might hurt more) said something like 'do it again and see what happens' under my breath and gave her the death stare every time I noticed her looking at me. Believe it or not, that's all it took. She left me alone, and so did her crew. All I had to do was stand up for myself and show some backbone.
Bullies are all the same, whether they're 13, twenty-something, or middle aged men who run entire countries. Bullies pick on who they perceive as weak, and leave alone those who they perceive to be more 'badass' then they think themselves to be.
So OP, I reiterate: stand up for yourself in whatever way is most natural to you.0 -
Be petty. Point out something theyre insecure about whether it's true or not. "hey at least my eyes arent so far apart." Love insecure *****es. Remember, they're probably even more insecure than you are to be talking to you that way thinking you'd care.0
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