Overweight daughter
sargessexyone
Posts: 494 Member
My daughter is 26, 287 lbs and about 5'7". She knows she needs to lose weight to be healthy and yet does nothing about it. I have tried everything I can think of to encourage her to start this journey. When I was doing WW I actually got her to join. She lost about 15 lbs and then for whatever reason gave up on it. I am now trying to get her to join MFP. I keep hoping that by seeing my success she will realize that it can be done. She lives in a different state then I do so it is really hard sometimes to get on top of her about this. Especially without hurting her feelings. Any mothers out there in a similar situation? Or maybe some girls in her age group that could tell me what they would want to hear from their mothers.
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Sorry to tell you this, but it has to come from her, or it will never work.0
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I don't want to be unkind, but she probably resents the pressure you're putting on her which will, in turn, make the issue worse because that resentment breeds avoidance. Just let her do her own thing and be supportive if she decides to do something about her weight on her own.0
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My mum kept telling me I should get fitter and lose weight (only because she loves me, not in a harsh way). I only started actually doing something about it once she left me alone and stopped going on about it. The choice had to be mine and whilst she was telling me what to do there was no chance of it being done. That's kids for you.0
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My mother used to tell me I needed to lose weight. It didn't encourage me it just made me paranoid. Now I'm older I know she was only trying to help and express concern but it made me feel awful. Like I wasn't worthy because I was fat. I know this isn't how she wanted me to feel but that's how it impacted my life at the time.
She can only do it for herself and only when she wants to stick to it she will.0 -
A little perspective from the daughter's point of view. It's good that you're supportive and help her with ideas and try to get her to join you in your weight loss efforts. HOWEVER, there is nothing you can do beyond that. She's going to figure it out eventually and will have to do it in her own way and in her own time. Give advice only when asked and be very careful with asking about how her weight loss is going. This can be a very touchy subject, even between the closest of mothers and daughters.
My mother was always really supportive and helpful and even paid for WW for me a few times. But it wasn't until I decided to do it for myself and on my own that it really stuck (first w/ WW then on MFP).
I get it, trust me. I've got cousins and an aunt who live states away are very overweight and always talk about wanting to lose weight but they never take the advice given. Eventually I figured out that all of that really isn't any of my business. I might drop advice about what is helpful from time to time if the subject comes up but that's as far as I go. As much as I wish I could do more, ultimately it's up to them to make the decision to change.0 -
Leave her alone. Seriously. Leave. Her. Alone. You have undoubtedly already said and done things that have hurt or angered her so deeply that she will never forget them. Stop. Stop now.
Letting her find her own way is the only way for (1) you to keep a relationship with her and (2) for her to lose weight. Just STOP.0 -
Sorry to tell you this, but it has to come from her, or it will never work.
THIS ^^^^^ with anything that requires a life change it has to come form within (like Quitting Smoking or Drinking or anything else it only works if the motivation is internal - then the outside support helps)0 -
Fortunately, my mum has never had to 'nag' me about my weight - but she has about a lot of other things. From personal experience, the more a parent nags (or encourages!) their child to do something, the more they rebel and do the opposite. As a 24 year old female, my advice to you would be to back off a bit. I know you're probably worried about your daughter but you're never going to get her to do something she doesn't want to do, and more importantly, get her to stick with it. She needs to realise on her own that she needs to lose weight, then do something about it. She needs to be commited and serious about changing her life.
Your progress will speak volumes - let your results do the talking.
Good luck!0 -
^^ AGREE!!!
If *she* doesn't want it... it will not happen. Pressuring her, pestering her, hinting to her will only cause resentment. I know you want her to be healthy, but she has to be the one to see the problem...if/when she comes to you for advice - THEN offer (in a non-hostile/over zealous way) advice/guidance. Until then... just be there for her and love her!!!0 -
leave her alone her body is not your business she is a grown women
you have probably contributed to her feeling like massive **** about her self too btw ..so you really need to stop & be supportive of how and who she is NOW
she is okay and loved and perfect just the way she is good looorddd0 -
She is an adult and capable of making her own choices (even those that you may not agree with). The BEST thing you can do is love her as she is, anything less and it will permanently damage your relationship.
As a parent myself I know how hard it is to see our children do things that are harmful to themselves, the parent in us wants to help them or parent them into doing what we want.
Take a step back and maybe apologize to her about your previous statements.0 -
I feel for you, though I have the exact opposite problem I am 26 years old and I have tried and repetitively failed at helping my mother get healthy. She suffers from many long term illnesses that would either get better or disappear completely if only she worked towards a healthy lifestyle. It can be extremely aggravating knowing that if only you could get through to someone and help them understand it would be so much better. All I can say is that if you are healthy then you are already doing the best thing you can by being a good example, I don't have that, my mother is my BAD example, she's the person I DON'T want to be when I am older and I definitely don't want my kids (3) to see me that way either.
Keep loving your daughter and keep being a good example, it may not be easy but hopefully she will come around on her own.0 -
As a mother I really feel for you. My suggestion is just to demonstrate your love and support for everything she does but not mention her weight at all. Just let her know that she is really valued as the person she is now (I am sure you do but kids, especially daughters will ignore all the positive messages and pick up on a small negative message). When she feels valued enough to deserve to be slimmer/healthier she will do it for herself. Set an example for her in your use of mfp but do not discuss it with her unless she asks.
I remember once saying to my pre-teen daughter, who was complaining about her looks/legs/weight etc, that she was fortunate that she was a beautiful person and a pretty girl and that, even though she may wish her ankles slimmer, she should be thankful her legs worked. From that day to this she accuses me of telling her she has fat ankles!! I learned the lesson.
You obviously adore your daughter - let her know it is for who she is now - she may be on the heavy side but I am sure you tell her all her good qualities - that's all you need to do. She has a mirror - she knows the rest
.:flowerforyou:0 -
All of the above.....
I was an overweight daughter all of my life until this past January. Even though my mom and sister always meant well, it did hurt when the talked about the weight problems that other have.
I'm 44 now, solved alot of my own problems and then found a way to lose my weight sustainably. No other person in the world could have helped me, except ME.
Go your own route. It's great, that you are doing something for your own weight problems. Try to accept your daughter as she is, even if it hurts you to see her unhealthy. She may come around soon, in 20 yrs or never. But that's her decision.0 -
A person needs to have a sense of self-confidence to even attempt to lose weight - as we all know who are here, it's a very challenging undertaking that takes a ton of discipline, and getting started and breaking the old habits is often the hardest part. I am thinking of it more from your daughter's point of view, as I am a woman in my 20s, and I am thinking that if my mom was in the habit of "nagging" me to lose weight (even in a nice way), it would make me feel bad about myself and wouldn't motivate me. It may seem counterintuitive, but maybe stop suggesting to her daughter what she should or shouldn't do, and just tell her you love her unconditionally and you think she's beautiful - don't even mention weight or fitness. If she feels good about herself and feels supported and loved, she'll be more like to make the choice to lose weight on her own. But even if she never does, you'll feel good knowing that you provided her with love and support as her mother. At the end of the day, you don't want to regret what this disagreement over her weight could potentially do to your long-term relationship.0
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She may feel intimidated by your success, afraid she wont't be as successful as what you have been. At any rate, it has to be something she wants for herself. Something she is willing to work for because as you know there is a lot of hard work!0
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It's nice that you are worried for her (as you should be). However, as a daughter with a mother and grandmother who told her she needed to lose weight throughout her life, I would err on the side of caution.
She obviously realizes that she needs to lose weight. There is really nothing you can do to get her to try to lose it. Honestly, it's better if you don't mention it at all.
Your success will most likely eventually push her to start the journey. That, or something will click within her to start.
TLDR; Don't constantly talk about her weight. Quietly keep doing what you're doing, and only help her if she asks for help.0 -
I get it, too. My entire family smokes. My daughter quit when she got pregnant, but everybody else is going at it like it's good for you (outside; they don't force their second-hand smoke on me). If there were a way to nag/encourage/motivate them into quitting, I'd do it. But there isn't. Changing habits is hard and a person will only do it when he or she is ready.
Most infuriating of all - my husband quit last year for about 3 months. He told me he had to quit because smoking was killing him. Then he started up again.0 -
She is 26, nothing is going to help her lose weight until she decides to make the decison to change. Sorry, but all you can do is suggest MFP and explain what it is but you cant make her use it and I dont recommend trying to make her use it, it will probably make her worse.0
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My mother used to tell me I needed to lose weight. It didn't encourage me it just made me paranoid. Now I'm older I know she was only trying to help and express concern but it made me feel awful. Like I wasn't worthy because I was fat. I know this isn't how she wanted me to feel but that's how it impacted my life at the time.
She can only do it for herself and only when she wants to stick to it she will.
^ This! ^ This! and ^ This!
My mother makes weight comments...."you need to lose some weight" ......like duh!....really? Thanks for letting me know....because I had no clue.0 -
Perhaps you should try to focus your concern on her being healthy as opposed to losing weight. I mean, not to sound harsh or anything but if someone was constantly telling me that I needed to lose weight it would break my heart. I think the best thing for you to do is have one final conversation and basically say listen, whether or not you want to lose weight is your prerogative however you need to find some healthier habits otherwise you are going to face obstacles like diabetes, depression, high blood pressure, cholesterol problems, heart problems, etc.
Focus on her HEALTH not her image. It may be the key to opening that door.0 -
My daughter is 26, 287 lbs and about 5'7". She knows she needs to lose weight to be healthy and yet does nothing about it. I have tried everything I can think of to encourage her to start this journey. When I was doing WW I actually got her to join. She lost about 15 lbs and then for whatever reason gave up on it. I am now trying to get her to join MFP. I keep hoping that by seeing my success she will realize that it can be done. She lives in a different state then I do so it is really hard sometimes to get on top of her about this. Especially without hurting her feelings. Any mothers out there in a similar situation? Or maybe some girls in her age group that could tell me what they would want to hear from their mothers.
Did you do this because somebody made you, or did you do this because you were finally ready too?0 -
My mom has always been my greatest supporter in regard to weight loss, and ONLY because she f*cked off when I needed her too and got involved when I VERY DIRECTLY asked her to. Change comes from yourself, not from your peers or your parents. My dad wasn't as great about it as my mom, and our relationship was pretty tense for a few years. We're much better now that I've moved out, but still.0
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Lead by example - she'll figure it out when she's ready....maybe she'll come to you....0
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It sounds like a total cliché, but it has to be the right time and it has to come from her. Model the healthy changes you want to see, don't harass her about her weight - she knows she's fat. When it's right, she'll get on board.0
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I get it, too. My entire family smokes. My daughter quit when she got pregnant, but everybody else is going at it like it's good for you (outside; they don't force their second-hand smoke on me). If there were a way to nag/encourage/motivate them into quitting, I'd do it. But there isn't. Changing habits is hard and a person will only do it when he or she is ready.
Most infuriating of all - my husband quit last year for about 3 months. He told me he had to quit because smoking was killing him. Then he started up again.
I quite at least 6 times before it took (at least so far 8 months) It was cold turkey and I just decided one day and did it, many of the other attempts were using crutches (patch gum etc - that keep the addiction alive) It just came from within it's very tough (I know people who quit serious Heroin habits who said quitting smoking was far harder)0 -
My family pressured me to lose weight all of my life and it made me hate my body, it didn't make me want to lose weight. Once they stopped pressuring me, I started to accept myself more and now I'm trying to lose the weight.
Don't pressure your daughter and don't bother her about what she's doing. She will do it herself when she decides to.0 -
Yes, her living in a different state must make it very difficult for you to "get on top of her" about a lot of things. Stop. She's an adult. Be a role model, not a nag.. . . She lives in a different state then I do so it is really hard sometimes to get on top of her about this. . .0 -
She lives in another state. Do you really think what she wants to hear is "you're fat, lose weight" (regardless of what words you actually use, this is what you are telling her) when she talks to you? Let her live her life. If she wants help, she will come to you. If you keep pressing her, you will push her away.0
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leave her alone her body is not your business she is a grown women
you have probably contributed to her feeling like massive **** about her self too btw ..so you really need to stop & be supportive of how and who she is NOW
she is okay and loved and perfect just the way she is good looorddd
I know that by asking for advice in a public forum that I should be prepared for the good and the bad, however this is a little harsh don't you think? Especially knowing none of the details about the kind of relationship I have with my daughter. You make it sound like I called her a fat pig to her face. I have NEVER told her she needs to lose weight. Thank you for making me feel like a piece of **** mother.0
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