Overweight daughter
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WOW... this is exactly why I don't post in forums.... You people are forgetting that she is her MOTHER and was just asking to see if any other mother is going through this.... All she wants is the best for her daughter, who the hell wouldn't??? You lot make out that she has been pestering her daughter. All she said is that she "encouraged" her daughter to join MFP... Jeez, if my mum said that to me, I wouldn't have a breakdown, I would actually thank her for her advice.0
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+1
This is a valuable lesson to you.
Did the person call you a piece of **** mother?
No. That's what you took from the advice.
So when you tell your daughter, "honey you could stand to be a bit healthier" (or however you put it) she hears, "I'm disgusted by my fat daughter."
You have to let her make her own choices for herself. All you can do is love her unconditionally and be there to support her. That's it.
Patronising, unhelpful and not true.
Well then please enlighten everyone, genius.
Someone's daughter doesn't want to lose weight. How do you think she should go about making her without demolishing her self esteem with a side helping of an eating disorder?
You're taking shots at everyone else for saying that she needs to back off, now why don't you post your brilliant idea for how to make someone else lose weight?
I don't have the answer any more than you do. This isn't about forcing her daughter to lose weight, It's about the responsibility that a parent (a good one) would feel to try and do something to make her daughter realise that she's killing herself. If her daughter was an alcoholic or a drug addict, would you be telling her to tiptoe around it then? What's the difference? She's killing herself.
Clearer?
Dumber actually.
Her daughter isn't killing herself. If that's her in the pic she's somewhat overweight. Carrying an extra 50lbs and being strung out on heroin are completely different things, which anyone who isn't a complete idiot realizes.
So since you admit you have no helpful advice to give, I'm going to stick with "love your daughter and support her no matter what she weighs." You can stick with...I don't know.. whining.
Nah you're right, she'll be fine.0 -
My daughter is 26, 287 lbs and about 5'7".
I think it is negligent to simply ignore this and "just wait for her to come around" at some point. Really, just wait it out? How has that worked out so far? When is mom supposed to get concerned? 335? 385? When she has hypertension,diabetes, or some other affliction crippling her? Great parenting.
She's 26 years old.
She doesn't need to be parented anymore.
She needs to grow the *kitten* up and deal with her own problems, which is hard to do if your mother is still babying and nagging you.
You, sir, are (as Archer would say) a stupid idiot
You look, think, and communicate like a child - spend some time out n the real world, get an informed opinion, and learn how to communicate muturely as an adult, and maybe people will take your opinion seriously. Now off you go, let the adults chat.
Erm. I was in the exact same position as her daughter for years.
I think that makes my opinion pretty valid, thanks.0 -
She's 26, not 12. It's going to have to come from her.0
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My parents always told me "don't eat that" or "you will get fat" or whatever it was. It doesn't matter how close you are with your child the more you push the worse it gets. I have horrible eating due to my parents.
I don't care what the relationship or the situation, I am 47 and when my mom says something about me gaining weight or trying to get me to WW or something, I actually EAT MORE!!!!!
As much as your heart is in the right place it doesn't work.
FYI, my 19yo daughter lost a lot of weight is totally out of shape and needs help too, but when I push it all falls apart. It really hard as a parent to know how much to push. No she did not try to lose the weight, not it did not come off quickly. She saw doctors though to make sure, she is fine, just a lot stress and simple stomach issues. It is better now she is vegan and I think weight is coming back a bit. She needs muscle though.0 -
When I mention anything about getting healthier to my mother, all she hears is "You're fat and a loser and a terrible human for loving McDonald's." No matter how I phrase it. If the tables were turned, I would probably feel the same shame no matter what her intentions were, even if I understood her intentions.
Please just accept your daughter and support her with your unconditional love. You can do that without enabling her bad habits. She is an adult and will have to figure the diet and exercise thing out for herself if ever she is ready.0 -
You can't push someone to lose weight. I'm sure she is aware that she is overweight, but she has to be ready to make the committment to herself!0
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My daughter is 26, 287 lbs and about 5'7". She knows she needs to lose weight to be healthy and yet does nothing about it. I have tried everything I can think of to encourage her to start this journey. When I was doing WW I actually got her to join. She lost about 15 lbs and then for whatever reason gave up on it. I am now trying to get her to join MFP. I keep hoping that by seeing my success she will realize that it can be done. She lives in a different state then I do so it is really hard sometimes to get on top of her about this. Especially without hurting her feelings. Any mothers out there in a similar situation? Or maybe some girls in her age group that could tell me what they would want to hear from their mothers.
Speaking as someone who has been through treatment for binge eating disorder, many of the women in my group had mothers or other influencers in their lives who were constantly at them to lose weight.
This. Several times in the past I was good with my weight loss plan, had lost several pounds and was feeling good about it. Then next thing you know, I visited my mother who made all kinds of not so subtle remarks about my weight and was full of "helpful" tips. I proceeded to binge like I hadn't in months and gained it all back.
To make a long story short (as I said in my prior post, there's a lot of factors you may not know about that contribute to her weight problem), I went over five years without visiting my mother and barely spoke to her during that period as well. That's what it took for me to free myself from the fear of her judgment.
Don't do this to your daughter.0 -
leave her alone her body is not your business she is a grown women
you have probably contributed to her feeling like massive **** about her self too btw ..so you really need to stop & be supportive of how and who she is NOW
she is okay and loved and perfect just the way she is good looorddd
I know that by asking for advice in a public forum that I should be prepared for the good and the bad, however this is a little harsh don't you think? Especially knowing none of the details about the kind of relationship I have with my daughter. You make it sound like I called her a fat pig to her face. I have NEVER told her she needs to lose weight. Thank you for making me feel like a piece of **** mother.
This is a valuable lesson to you.
Did the person call you a piece of **** mother?
No. That's what you took from the advice.
So when you tell your daughter, "honey you could stand to be a bit healthier" (or however you put it) she hears, "I'm disgusted by my fat daughter."
You have to let her make her own choices for herself. All you can do is love her unconditionally and be there to support her. That's it.
SOLID...and QFT.
we all hear what we want to hear when people tell us things....
your daughter will hear what she wants to hear when you tell her you want her to be healthy....
and statistically speaking on what most kids hear when they hear the above, she will hear "you aren't good enough"0 -
+1
This is a valuable lesson to you.
Did the person call you a piece of **** mother?
No. That's what you took from the advice.
So when you tell your daughter, "honey you could stand to be a bit healthier" (or however you put it) she hears, "I'm disgusted by my fat daughter."
You have to let her make her own choices for herself. All you can do is love her unconditionally and be there to support her. That's it.
Patronising, unhelpful and not true.
Well then please enlighten everyone, genius.
Someone's daughter doesn't want to lose weight. How do you think she should go about making her without demolishing her self esteem with a side helping of an eating disorder?
You're taking shots at everyone else for saying that she needs to back off, now why don't you post your brilliant idea for how to make someone else lose weight?
I don't have the answer any more than you do. This isn't about forcing her daughter to lose weight, It's about the responsibility that a parent (a good one) would feel to try and do something to make her daughter realise that she's killing herself. If her daughter was an alcoholic or a drug addict, would you be telling her to tiptoe around it then? What's the difference? She's killing herself.
Clearer?
Dumber actually.
Her daughter isn't killing herself. If that's her in the pic she's somewhat overweight. Carrying an extra 50lbs and being strung out on heroin are completely different things, which anyone who isn't a complete idiot realizes.
So since you admit you have no helpful advice to give, I'm going to stick with "love your daughter and support her no matter what she weighs." You can stick with...I don't know.. whining.
Nah you're right, she'll be fine.
You sure? I thought being overweight was like being an alcoholic junkie?? Shouldn't she show what a caring parent she is and force her grown daughter to go to a fat camp? I mean you'd send your kid to rehab if they were on drugs, right?
Odds are she will be fine. She'll make the choice to lose weight when she's ready, or maybe she won't. But one thing is certain, no one can force her.
Nope, you're right. She's 50lbs overweight, like you said (obviously she SHOULD be around 235lbs in an ideal world, and a mother wanting to try and help her daughter realise that what she's doing is dangerous is completely unreasonable. You've convinced me.0 -
I think if you press her she might get annoyed, but I do not know your daughter's temperament. Maybe you can just tell her that you lost a lot of weight on MFP and maybe she would want to join and see if she likes it, but don't press it. She needs to do it on her own.0
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WOW... this is exactly why I don't post in forums.... You people are forgetting that she is her MOTHER and was just asking to see if any other mother is going through this.... All she wants is the best for her daughter, who the hell wouldn't??? You lot make out that she has been pestering her daughter. All she said is that she "encouraged" her daughter to join MFP... Jeez, if my mum said that to me, I wouldn't have a breakdown, I would actually thank her for her advice.
You are forgetting that most people here have been or ARE in the exact same position as the daughter. They are sharing their perspective on how the daughter probably feels. And stating fact that unless and until the daughter is ready, no amount of "encouragement" is going to make her do it.0 -
I would love to hear the daughter's side of all this.0
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I think it's almost funny that this is such a huge issue in your life, even though your daughter lives out of state. My siblings and I are all overweight, but my parents, who don't get to see two of us often because we live in different cities, seem to be more concerned with how our careers are going, my grades, living situations- all the things we discuss via phone.
I have a grandma that routinely asks why her granddaughters' *kitten* are in another zipcode. She's not very helpful. Talking with her makes me want to lock myself in the bathroom and eat cake, even as an adult.
Maybe instead of trying to change an adult's behavior through criticism you should build a stronger relationship through sharing mutual interests and backgounds. It won't make her skinny, but it might make her hate weightloss less.0 -
Adding my voice to all the I others here. No matter how nice you think you're being when you talk to her about her weight, you're hurting her feelings. Your efforts might even backfire. This could really damage your relationship with her.
I completely agree with this. My dad has always felt the need to point out weight with all 3 of his daughters. It never had a positive impact. His "constructive comments" only made each of us feel worse. But he has always been a person who puts more emphasis on the negative things. I now see that it is directly due to his unhappiness with himself. With that said, my 2 sisters are still both overweight, and for me, it wasn't until I realized that I was the biggest role model for my own children, and I wasn't being such a great one, that I made the neccessary changes in my own life.
The truth is, when you are overweight, you don't need anyone else to point it out. You also don't need anyone to explain how you got like that. You know it. Focusing in on the positive things a person has going for them like, intelligence, creativity and compassion, will inspire. Reminding about negatives is rarely effective.
Just my thoughts. But like I said in my inital response, it's obvious the OP is well meaning and just wants to help her daughter. It's not always easy though.0 -
I feel like some of you are letting your personal experiences get too involved in this. It is unfortunate that your parents made you feel bad about your weight, but this may not be the case with OP. We don't know exactly how she is communicating with her daughter. It is her responsibility to point out if she thinks her daughter may be doing something dangerous and unhealthy.
With that being said; OP, that's just it. If your daughter knows how you feel and you have laid out in a very loving way your concern, you have done your part. It is your job to bring it to her attention that you are concerned for her health. You have done that.
Now it's time for you to step back and let her be a grown woman. She's in charge of her own body. When she is ready (and she may NEVER be), she will start. But ultimately, it's her decision to decide how she wants to live her life.0 -
Or maybe some girls in her age group that could tell me what they would want to hear from their mothers.
I'm a lot older than your daughter and I can tell you my answer now is the same it would be then. Shut up and leave her alone. She's an adult woman and doesnt need you to 'stay on top of her' about this. She knows she's fat, she knows she needs to deal with it. Let her handle it.
As I said I'm much older and I'm working hard and in the process of this weight loss and the most important step I took in my weight loss was learning to tell my mother to shut up about it and that I didn't need her riding me constantly (I did say it more kindly than that, this was just the gist). She's still my mom and she still ASKS how it's going and for the first time I can be honest and tell her if it's not going well because now she understands that her 'help' isn't helpful. It feels judgmental to me.
This isn't something you can do FOR her. Leave her alone and instead of 'staying on top of her' about her weight just keep reminding her that you love her and stop mentioning her weight.0 -
family is often why people and a lot of little girls begin that awful road to eating disorders and poor body image.
It sometimes starts out with good intentions, but it never feels that way to the one on the receiving end.
Sorry you're worried about your daughter, I hope that she can go down the path of a better lifestyle, but there isn't too much you can do, she is an adult. You'll likely just pushy her away. Good luck OP.0
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