What's the point? Solitary Fat Woman.
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I came to this site with a group of friends, all of us looking to lose. I'm the only one left. Sometimes I don't know why I stay here. It's interesting to me that several people seemed to really understand what I was trying to say, while others were missing it. I guess that's the ambiguity of written communication.
I just want to address this piece. All of the following statistics are totally made up...and yet I believe they are reasonable estimates.
In any group of people setting out to lose weight/get more fit/make a change in their lives, no more than 10% of them will stick with it longer than a few months. Inertia is a b*tch when you're trying to move from where you have been for so very long. That the rest of your group has dropped out isn't surprising at all.
This is part of the same reason why I cringe when people make a "I'm new, please everyone add me post"...because they're drawing from the same untested crowd. 90%+ of those new friends will be gone in a few months. They'll feel abandoned...like they have no friends, no support, like they should just give up.
However, fortunately, this place offers a solution to this problem. If you hand-pick those friends from those who have stuck with it for a while (and who you think might have some things in common with you), you can achieve a group of "friends" here that would be logistically impossible to amass in the real world...a group of people who have been tested and found to be capable and willing to stick with it.
So my advice is to use the forums to find these people. Not necessarily people who are there to give you advice or "support" or "motivate" you (whatever that means), but people with whom you see some commonality. This might be as simple as people who make you laugh, or people who have similar interests, or whatever. It really doesn't matter what the thing is as long as there's something. Ideally these would be people who have been here for a while. (I'm not saying you shouldn't befriend new people...just that the purpose of your FR scavenger hunt is to populate it with those who have already been tested.)
Anyhow, this ends my rambling rant on the One True Way™ to build a solid FL.
I agree with this. You have a unique opportunity to build an awesome, supportive friend list here, whatever definition of supportive works for you. How you approach this really defines the type of social experience you will have.
http://www.myfitnesspal.com/blog/ihad/view/mfp-101-making-friends-6086650 -
I was super fat at my highest. Not 400+, but trust me, 320 was "super fat" enough.
This is going to sound really harsh, but I don't deal with a lot of "super fat" people in real life. Most of my friends are thin, I don't build friendships around eating, and I don't gravitate often toward intimate relationships with people who have "fat" as part of their identity. My wife struggles with her weight (though she's not super fat), my favorite cousin is about 400 lbs, and my sister, who is one of my best friends, just had gastric sleeve. So while I have fat and super fat loved ones in my life, I don't have a lot overall. Why? Because I REFUSED to define myself by my fat. Being fat was detrimental to my self image and self esteem, so the last thing I would be attracted to is people who are either defined by their obesity, or defined by an endless list of excuses for why they are obese. I was never blessed with that particular kind of self delusion. I neither made excuses for my size nor excuses for staying at my size. Past childhood, it was all my fault. I find that so many fat, obese, and morbidly obese people are chalk full of an endless array of justifications and excuses, and when you're trying hard to beat back your own fat body you don't need to be surrounded by that. So finding a lot of "super fat" people who are done with the excuses, and ready to bust their *kitten* to get out of that boat, in and of itself is very limiting; afterall, most wouldn't be in that boat at all if they naturally had those traits.
On the flip side I didn't discuss my weight issues with the thinner, fitter, leaner people in my life. I wasn't interested in acknowledging my struggles with people who couldn't truly understanding, asking for help I did not need from them, or casting myself as the fat, whiny guy.
When it comes to other people, I learned to largely go alone on this road a long time ago. It's God and me. Even when it comes to talking to my wife and sister about weight issues, it's not about getting help or support for myself, but more supporting them. That way my successes speaks for themselves, and the failures are my business, and my responsibility, alone.
It just seems that this is often destined to be a lonely road. Even when you start out with like minded, like bodied people, it is just so very common for them to fall by the wayside as the journey goes on. We make a huge deal about weight loss because, at the end of the day, RARE is the person who makes it to the finish line, and even rarer still runs the long term race of maintenance. I think support is great if you can find it in other people, but it's best you find an inner fire and resolve to carry you through the long, lonely stretches.
Well said!!!! This ultimately is a solo journey!
I definitely agree overall. What I'm meaning when I say I'm looking for other super fat people is not so much people who are sucked into an identity as fat... I definitely don't define myself by my body, but rather by my character. I also don't limit my list of support and interaction to the super active or anything like that... It's more about personality. My goal has always been, build a FL that compels me to come back, check in, and enjoy being on MFP.
That being said, there are definitely unique issues that certain subsets are going to understand moreso than others... Whether that is "I realized I have been eating too little, but my weight is so high I can't figure out how to convince myself that I actually do need to eat more" or the logistics of supporting loosening skin or whatever.
I know that in a lot of respects, I have the potential to be one of those stories that blows minds. Frankly, knowing that I lost at my most 66lbs without any "extra" help, just myself and my determination, is almost unbelievable to me. Even with my weightloss related illnesses, I've been able to keep myself going in a better direction. For me, the path may be a solo one, but I definitely feel boosted when there's cheers from the sidelines. Outside support is honestly one of the only reasons why I keep trying to touch the flame, so to speak... The two years I've been on MFP have been by far the worst years of my life, and part of why I keep trying is because others remind me hope when I have lost it.
I do think we all tend to appreciate seeing people on a comparable path, in a comparable place. Someone that is able to walk more beside us than say I was there, you can catch up. There's a reason why "find your weightloss twin" threads exist. It is a lonely road, this I know...
The funny thing is, I think if I admitted here the central thought that has been haunting me as of late, you'd all think I was being dumb... even moreso than you think now HAHA
It hasn't caused me to stray so much... but it has created a certain darkness. 0 -
I really like this thread and the open conversation it has entailed. There is a lot of thought and reflection here.0
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I know this will sound sad, but every morning before I make my morning cup of coffee, I cruise the success boards, look at every "fat" person gone skinny, read their stories, and then go about my day. That, for some reason, is more motivating than anything I have yet to do. It makes me think about every piece of food I am about to put in my mouth. It makes me take out the fish for dinner, even if I have to make something separate for the rest of my family (hubby and three kids under 5). It also makes me work out, even when I would rather gnaw off my own hand. That just works for me. A weight loss journey is finding you, finding what works for you and what doesn't. Friends are suppose to help. If they are not, delete them. I have deleted a number of people because of in activity, or negativity. Friend me if you want, or don't. Depends on the person you want to be.
SW 288
CW 212
GW 150
I do that too (though usually between lunch & dinner). I admit I use MFP for me. And although I like message boards, I'm not an overly social person. I did not post until I had been regularly logging for over a month and I still have yet to accept any friend requests. Seeing others success is really the best motivation for me
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I tried to quote but had to use the copy and paste method. Your words:
The two years I've been on MFP have been by far the worst years of my life, and part of why I keep trying is because others remind me hope when I have lost it.
I do think we all tend to appreciate seeing people on a comparable path, in a comparable place. Someone that is able to walk more beside us than say I was there, you can catch up. There's a reason why "find your weightloss twin" threads exist. It is a lonely road, this I know...
The funny thing is, I think if I admitted here the central thought that has been haunting me as of late, you'd all think I was being dumb... even moreso than you think now HAHA It hasn't caused me to stray so much... but it has created a certain darkness.
My response:
Are you associating MFP as being the reason your past two years of your life have been so bad? Also, I personally don't think there is such a thing as a "weight loss twin". We are all completely different with different goals. We may have similarities with others but that is it. Each one of us that are incorporating a new life style must travel the road alone...and yes it can get lonely. It is up to the individual to make the experience what they want it to be. The road doesn't have to be lonely. It's all about attitude and knowing only you can make yourself happy, only you can take that one mile walk, only you can decide what to eat...only you.
If MFP is creating a certain DARKNESS for you then maybe you should reconsider being on this site. I sense that there is some major depression and loneliness going on here. Have you ever tried therapy? With the right counselor and someone to talk to...it can really change your prescriptive on things and life. There is no shame in seeking out therapy.
It breaks my heart because I'm hearing in your words hopelessness, loneliness, depression, sadness and despair. The title of your post is "What's the point? Solitary Fat Woman." It sounds as though you've given up on everything. I know that you keep reiterating that you are still on your weight loss journey; however, I feel like your telling me you just want to crawl into a hole and give up.
You know, you need to find what makes you HAPPY. What will put a smile on your face and a spring in your step. Once again, this all comes from within you. You have come a long way and been through and conquered major obstacles. You should be commended and proud of yourself.
We all go through our ups and downs, good days and bad days...just remember that tomorrow is a new day. Things always get better if you just wait for another day and hold on!
Keep sharing with us on this thread and maybe we can help you find the sunshine you are missing in your life.
P.S. I just wanted to say that I think you write beautifully. I wish I had that gift.0 -
There is no way for me to presume to know what it is like to be in your position or to give advice on weight loss. So, I don't do that.
But, on the other side of all of this. We have all faced trauma, tragedy, pain, loss, injury, struggles of many kinds. I've shared some of mine, sometimes, but not all of it.
At times I have received support from people that have faced what I have faced in life, and that is valuable to share and relate together like that. But, also some of my greatest support has been from people that have not faced what I have faced, but they are intelligent, empathic, and insightful, able to listen. And then there is the type of support of just relating to people for reasons beyond the struggles. Because the struggles don't define me. They are things I had no choice, but to face. But, they aren't me, yet still a part of my development into the person that I was and am. And most of all I have learned that I have to walk through this life on my own, and that is the only way to successfully continue moving forward in healthy and productive ways. I'm not always going to find people that are like me. Instead we each inspire each other with the challenges we have individually faced and overcome or learned to live with. And continue to read, and listen and learn about others and ourselves. And in the end, the rewards are for you and you alone. It's wonderful if you can inspire others, and most of the time you won't even know who or how much. But, what really makes it worth it, is the benefits that you gain in your life. There will always be ups and downs. And times when you feel alone. You will get through that as well.0 -
I came to this site with a group of friends, all of us looking to lose. I'm the only one left. Sometimes I don't know why I stay here. It's interesting to me that several people seemed to really understand what I was trying to say, while others were missing it. I guess that's the ambiguity of written communication.
I just want to address this piece. All of the following statistics are totally made up...and yet I believe they are reasonable estimates.
In any group of people setting out to lose weight/get more fit/make a change in their lives, no more than 10% of them will stick with it longer than a few months. Inertia is a b*tch when you're trying to move from where you have been for so very long. That the rest of your group has dropped out isn't surprising at all.
This is part of the same reason why I cringe when people make a "I'm new, please everyone add me post"...because they're drawing from the same untested crowd. 90%+ of those new friends will be gone in a few months. They'll feel abandoned...like they have no friends, no support, like they should just give up.
However, fortunately, this place offers a solution to this problem. If you hand-pick those friends from those who have stuck with it for a while (and who you think might have some things in common with you), you can achieve a group of "friends" here that would be logistically impossible to amass in the real world...a group of people who have been tested and found to be capable and willing to stick with it.
So my advice is to use the forums to find these people. Not necessarily people who are there to give you advice or "support" or "motivate" you (whatever that means), but people with whom you see some commonality. This might be as simple as people who make you laugh, or people who have similar interests, or whatever. It really doesn't matter what the thing is as long as there's something. Ideally these would be people who have been here for a while. (I'm not saying you shouldn't befriend new people...just that the purpose of your FR scavenger hunt is to populate it with those who have already been tested.)
Anyhow, this ends my rambling rant on the One True Way™ to build a solid FL.
Good stuff, here! I've been around a while. I give support... and advice, mostly just when it's wanted... if you want to add me.0 -
I tried to quote but had to use the copy and paste method. Your words:
The two years I've been on MFP have been by far the worst years of my life, and part of why I keep trying is because others remind me hope when I have lost it.
I do think we all tend to appreciate seeing people on a comparable path, in a comparable place. Someone that is able to walk more beside us than say I was there, you can catch up. There's a reason why "find your weightloss twin" threads exist. It is a lonely road, this I know...
The funny thing is, I think if I admitted here the central thought that has been haunting me as of late, you'd all think I was being dumb... even moreso than you think now HAHA It hasn't caused me to stray so much... but it has created a certain darkness.
My response:
Are you associating MFP as being the reason your past two years of your life have been so bad? Also, I personally don't think there is such a thing as a "weight loss twin". We are all completely different with different goals. We may have similarities with others but that is it. Each one of us that are incorporating a new life style must travel the road alone...and yes it can get lonely. It is up to the individual to make the experience what they want it to be. The road doesn't have to be lonely. It's all about attitude and knowing only you can make yourself happy, only you can take that one mile walk, only you can decide what to eat...only you.
If MFP is creating a certain DARKNESS for you then maybe you should reconsider being on this site. I sense that there is some major depression and loneliness going on here. Have you ever tried therapy? With the right counselor and someone to talk to...it can really change your prescriptive on things and life. There is no shame in seeking out therapy.
It breaks my heart because I'm hearing in your words hopelessness, loneliness, depression, sadness and despair. The title of your post is "What's the point? Solitary Fat Woman." It sounds as though you've given up on everything. I know that you keep reiterating that you are still on your weight loss journey; however, I feel like your telling me you just want to crawl into a hole and give up.
You know, you need to find what makes you HAPPY. What will put a smile on your face and a spring in your step. Once again, this all comes from within you. You have come a long way and been through and conquered major obstacles. You should be commended and proud of yourself.
We all go through our ups and downs, good days and bad days...just remember that tomorrow is a new day. Things always get better if you just wait for another day and hold on!
Keep sharing with us on this thread and maybe we can help you find the sunshine you are missing in your life.
P.S. I just wanted to say that I think you write beautifully. I wish I had that gift.
Clarifying: No, I'm not saying MFP has caused the problem. It truly is the weightloss that inspired my most serious health problems. Those members that have been friends with me through this time have watched things get very scary for me. Losing weight has made me so sick at times, nearly dying... which ripple-effect took out a job, 2 relationships, was nearly homeless for a while last year... I'm not saying others don't face things. I'm just saying, weightloss has not been very rewarding for me so far. I keep going even in those times when I don't want to anymore because like I said, losing everything that I've lost in the process would have been for nothing if I stop now... But most days, I'm doing it because I want to and I want smaller boobs HAHA However, I'm not suffering from the not wanting to do this plague right now.
I didn't say MFP was inspiring darkness. It's the thought that has been bugging me that has inspired some darkness. The interesting thing about yesterday was that my emotion must have been cosmic, because several people from my personal life had randomly felt compelled to talk to me (they had not seen this at all). Some saying I'd weighed heavily in their thoughts and hearts. It was surreal. I'm not depressed though.
I see a psychologist weekly. Therapy is great, but often is a tool to teach us to reach out and ask for help when we need it. I'm a qualified counselor myself, there's no issue in my eyes with seeking help.
All this being said, I still would love to see someone that I can relate to that is either working this or has conquered it. I keep reminding myself, though, that if that person really doesn't exist, I'll be the first, and as the first, perhaps I can fill that need for countless others... and that's okay by me.
P.S. Thanks for the compliment about my writing. I wish that the examples here on this thread were better, but it is what it is. I do write in my MFP journal on occasion, but keep a daily blog going independently. Not to brag or anything, but I did receive an offer on my memoir recently, as well as have a book coming out in 2015 (if all goes on schedule!)0 -
Now you have me curious about your book, lol! Can you give details as to what it is about?
Also, I hope you don't mind but I am going to PM you again with some people from my FL I think you may want to add. Some of them have lost over 200 lbs and are still going strong. They are wonderful individuals and I think you would enjoy conversing with them.
I think counseling is fantastic! With the right therapist it can be magical. There has to be a connection though between the therapist and patient or it doesn't work. It's almost like talking to your best friend but paying them for their time, lol!0 -
What's the point? The point is to get healthy. That's the whole point! Its great to see how others succeeded in their journey and get inspiration from it but honestly, in the end you really are kind of doing this alone. No one else can walk that mile for you. But when you finish that mile, and the next, and the next, you will find that a lot of your insecurities will be pushed to the shoulder. Cheer up. The road wont seem so long when you're at the end.0
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As a large woman, I say keep on being a beacon in the dark. Leadership is hard, and sometimes lonely, but you have to look for the greater good.
The process of documenting your journey, as well as providing wisdom and advisement, may be what is keeping you "on the road to...."
I would like to be your friend !0 -
Yes Quasita really sparked off some very interesting discussion. I personally am glad there was a lack of clarity and understanding earlier in the thread, as it helped generate such insightful, in depth comments.0
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girl, motivation comes from within. Never look to somebody else for that in which you can only find in yourself. You will always end up disapointed and end up writing posts like this.
i disagree. if we only looked inward for motivation, some would never find it. sometimes one small push from a kind person that really understands can make all the change needed. on the flip side... sometimes one cruel word sticks with us for years. yes what is in inner motivation can get us far, if we know where to look... but most times it takes another to help us find it. an outside force/reason. it is good to tap in to our inner strength, but being able to support & receive support is needed to make it in anything...in my opinion that is.0 -
girl, motivation comes from within. Never look to somebody else for that in which you can only find in yourself. You will always end up disapointed and end up writing posts like this.
i disagree. if we only looked inward for motivation, some would never find it. sometimes one small push from a kind person that really understands can make all the change needed. on the flip side... sometimes one cruel word sticks with us for years. yes what is in inner motivation can get us far, if we know where to look... but most times it takes another to help us find it. an outside force/reason. it is good to tap in to our inner strength, but being able to support & receive support is needed to make it in anything...in my opinion that is.
That's it. The isolationist perspective of "only looking inward" got most of us to our high weights. I have spent years deconstructing the mentality I was prone to when I was younger. In all honesty, my eyes found some clarity from a doctor of all people. One that sat down with me and told me that I was very heavy, but he had every belief that I could conquer it, and he would be there to help monitor and manage. He is very tough to please when it comes to my losses, and for some reason, I found it inspiring. I wanted to prove to him I wasn't just another lost cause.
Not long after that, I joined a program at my old job, and started the original Team RAWR (there is an MFP group for this, but we haven't done anything for a while due to my getting sick). We competed with the whole company, and the competition pushed me to try harder, move more, and encourage... next thing I knew, my team was #1 in the company... across the COUNTRY... and I began to discover the power that is community when you're working on this.
Yes, you have to have a reason to do it for yourself, but sometimes, especially in the beginning, it's hard to find a good reason to spend more money on better food and exhaust yourself with exercise, when your habits seem more preferable. When you're really big, the gym can be intimidating, but having a buddy go with you can distract you from the self-consciousness while you do your thing. There are so many people on MFP because we all search for this communal support aspect... That's why I'm here. If you didn't want the community or thought others being involved was pointless, being here would also be pretty pointless, as there are tons of non-social app calorie counters just as accurate.
Anyway, I think a majority of people need a balance of the two to successfully keep going.0 -
My join date says April, but I wasn't really serious about MFP until October 2013. For the first month or so, I had no MFP friends. I mean, I got the FR from people who wanted to sell me something (always encouraging to have someone only want to talk to you to make money off you when you already feel bad about yourself), and I posted a little in the forums, but mostly I felt invisible. A few real people sent FR, but I left them in limbo because I wasn't sure I was going to stick with this and didn't want to disappoint anyone, since I felt like I had already disappointed so many people by not getting in control of my life sooner. I wish hadn't done that and had tried to make friends when I joined. I have more MFP friends now, but there are still days when I feel invisible on here and that I'm going it alone. I think everyone feels that way sometimes.
I think everyone has their own struggles, and I know I don't really talk about mine on here. Yet. Maybe one day I will, but for now that part needs to stay in the solitary area. I think you need to be willing to put yourself out there sometimes to get the support you really need when it comes to weight loss and dealing with the mental aspect of it, and I'm not there yet. I still haven't gotten the balls to send someone a FR. But you can have a balance and still get benefits from the community even if you aren't able to put yourself into it completely or just simply do not want to. Hell, stick around for the cat gifs.
FWIW, I recognized your name on the forum. So you're not as solitary as you think. 0 -
I don't know. I always felt that real happiness comes from within. When I realized who the person I really wanted to be was, the rest just came organically. Or divine intervention. Being healthy is not just physical, it's a state of mind. That's been said many times already.0
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I guess nobody's perfect.0
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My join date says April, but I wasn't really serious about MFP until October 2013. For the first month or so, I had no MFP friends. I mean, I got the FR from people who wanted to sell me something (always encouraging to have someone only want to talk to you to make money off you when you already feel bad about yourself), and I posted a little in the forums, but mostly I felt invisible. A few real people sent FR, but I left them in limbo because I wasn't sure I was going to stick with this and didn't want to disappoint anyone, since I felt like I had already disappointed so many people by not getting in control of my life sooner. I wish hadn't done that and had tried to make friends when I joined. I have more MFP friends now, but there are still days when I feel invisible on here and that I'm going it alone. I think everyone feels that way sometimes.
I think everyone has their own struggles, and I know I don't really talk about mine on here. Yet. Maybe one day I will, but for now that part needs to stay in the solitary area. I think you need to be willing to put yourself out there sometimes to get the support you really need when it comes to weight loss and dealing with the mental aspect of it, and I'm not there yet. I still haven't gotten the balls to send someone a FR. But you can have a balance and still get benefits from the community even if you aren't able to put yourself into it completely or just simply do not want to. Hell, stick around for the cat gifs.
FWIW, I recognized your name on the forum. So you're not as solitary as you think.
Well, I feel blessed to be recognized. Hopefully it's not for being a weirdo of the bad sort haha
I do feel better today than yesterday. This thread was a little upsetting at first but I have shaken the funk a bit.
When I first started here, it was mostly to be able to post to my RL friends about my progress. I got sucked into the forums a bit after a while. I'll admit that I blindly accepted requests, and that's why my list is bloated. Luckily, a couple of those turned out to be pretty awesome, and put up with me 0 -
girl, motivation comes from within. Never look to somebody else for that in which you can only find in yourself. You will always end up disapointed and end up writing posts like this.
i disagree. if we only looked inward for motivation, some would never find it. sometimes one small push from a kind person that really understands can make all the change needed. on the flip side... sometimes one cruel word sticks with us for years. yes what is in inner motivation can get us far, if we know where to look... but most times it takes another to help us find it. an outside force/reason. it is good to tap in to our inner strength, but being able to support & receive support is needed to make it in anything...in my opinion that is.
I'm glad that you and Quasita expressed this POV. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not firmly planted in the "need outside support" camp; my motivation has always stemmed from within. I've never been thrust forward, or pushed back, because of bullying or negativity, and I've never relied on anybody's support, caring, or cheering for inner motivation. For me the loathing of being fat has always been the motivation I needed, whether I stepped out on that motivation or not. I've just always been both my biggest motivator, and harshest critic. I've thought several times before that I truly believe I'd still lose the weight even if I was the only man left on Earth. I just hated having my body buried in blubber that much. I didn't like the look of it, the feel of it, and most importantly, the way it made me feel about myself.
It's such a blessing though to see it from the perspective of other people. To be reminded that yes, this journey really is so personal, and so varied, amongst us all. To be reminded that many of us really do need community, understanding, and support to reach our highest selves. And while that doesn't apply to me much in the arena of weight loss, I definitely can see that need in other areas of my life.0 -
To Quasita...
This is not finished...the rest is so personal...not sure if I ever will finish it. I wanted to share with you though...I am not even sure why. I hope that it not only gives you something to think about but others. We all talk about the journey forward...but seldom do we share what set us on the journey of self destruction. I think for me this is not all about losing weight...getting fit...it is about healing my life. I hope that we all can heal what set us upon this journey to start with.
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WHERE DID IT ALL BEGIN?
I often read where people are searching for the motivation to change their lives…the determination to change. We look to others for support and advice. We read…we research…we try different methods. We tackle our weight loss with a vengeance.
I seldom read about where it all began. ..why we felt too weak to change it before. Why we failed so many times. We seldom face where it began.
As I approach the half way mark of meeting my 100lb weight loss I have had some very strange emotions. I can’t quite find the joy that I thought I would feel to finally be so close to reaching the one hundreds again for the first time in so long. Not even the excitement of buying some new clothes when I hit the 50lb mark.
I have asked myself why…why am I not more thrilled…
I am leery I suppose…I have made it this far…there is no turning back…no more excuses that I can not do this. I can not rely on my old friend the Pity Party to save me from moving forward. I used that pity party before in order to fail…to not have to think about myself. ..to not feel worthy of this much time and effort focused on me. I have to accept that I have taken responsibility…control…charge of my life.
It is time to face where it all began. If I don’t then all of this will have been in vain. I might lose the weight…I might get more fit and healthy…but I will not have changed my life.
For most they will say it is all about moving forward. I believe however before we can do that we must move backwards to where it began. If we don’t face what started us down the path of self-destruction it will at some point rear its ugly head and try to suck us back in. Tell us we are not worth it.
When I was a child I was taught to be kind, compassionate, loving and caring to others. I was also taught to put others before myself…to take care of those in need. I was not however taught to love myself…to take care of me…and to ignore my own needs. I was also taught that no matter what someone might do to me…I was to forgive except I was never taught to forgive myself. I was the child that everyone turned to when things needed fixing. No one taught me how to fix myself.
I grew up that way…I kept most things to myself…my joy…my hurts…needs. I never learned how to share those things with others…I thought that I was not important enough.
When life happened...I didn't know how to help myself...thought I deserved all of the pain...I went in to hiding...hiding behind a wall of fat...a wall of becoming unhealthy...I stayed there for many years.0 -
To Quasita...
This is not finished...the rest is so personal...not sure if I ever will finish it. I wanted to share with you though...I am not even sure why. I hope that it not only gives you something to think about but others. We all talk about the journey forward...but seldom do we share what set us on the journey of self destruction. I think for me this is not all about losing weight...getting fit...it is about healing my life. I hope that we all can heal what set us upon this journey to start with.
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WHERE DID IT ALL BEGIN?
I often read where people are searching for the motivation to change their lives…the determination to change. We look to others for support and advice. We read…we research…we try different methods. We tackle our weight loss with a vengeance.
I seldom read about where it all began. ..why we felt too weak to change it before. Why we failed so many times. We seldom face where it began.
As I approach the half way mark of meeting my 100lb weight loss I have had some very strange emotions. I can’t quite find the joy that I thought I would feel to finally be so close to reaching the one hundreds again for the first time in so long. Not even the excitement of buying some new clothes when I hit the 50lb mark.
I have asked myself why…why am I not more thrilled…
I am leery I suppose…I have made it this far…there is no turning back…no more excuses that I can not do this. I can not rely on my old friend the Pity Party to save me from moving forward. I used that pity party before in order to fail…to not have to think about myself. ..to not feel worthy of this much time and effort focused on me. I have to accept that I have taken responsibility…control…charge of my life.
It is time to face where it all began. If I don’t then all of this will have been in vain. I might lose the weight…I might get more fit and healthy…but I will not have changed my life.
For most they will say it is all about moving forward. I believe however before we can do that we must move backwards to where it began. If we don’t face what started us down the path of self-destruction it will at some point rear its ugly head and try to suck us back in. Tell us we are not worth it.
When I was a child I was taught to be kind, compassionate, loving and caring to others. I was also taught to put others before myself…to take care of those in need. I was not however taught to love myself…to take care of me…and to ignore my own needs. I was also taught that no matter what someone might do to me…I was to forgive except I was never taught to forgive myself. I was the child that everyone turned to when things needed fixing. No one taught me how to fix myself.
I grew up that way…I kept most things to myself…my joy…my hurts…needs. I never learned how to share those things with others…I thought that I was not important enough.
When life happened...I didn't know how to help myself...thought I deserved all of the pain...I went in to hiding...hiding behind a wall of fat...a wall of becoming unhealthy...I stayed there for many years.
I appreciate your sharing this. This is something a very much believe in myself. A lot of people think that losing weight is about the here and now, and don't have the desire or capacity to look back at what happened to get them here. Sometimes, when those of us talk about the "early days," we get people reeling against the attention we're giving it, saying we're seeking for excuses. In a way, to explain is to excuse, because explaining and, ultimately, understanding, leads to knowing the why of things. It's not excusing in the sense of removing blame, but rather to say, I know why this happened as it happened, and I'm not going to beat myself up about it anymore. Writing about it sometimes puts the question in front of people that are not ready to handle it.
One of the things I like to think people appreciate about being friends with me on here is that I don't BS around. Not long ago, I updated my status. I said something to the effect of, "Yes, I had Arby's. No it's not a cheat day. Why don't we call it what it really is? It's 'I didn't feel like having the SlimFast that I brought for lunch today and curly fries sounded delicious, so I got the curly fries and ate every bite, despite having a healthy option easily available' day." I think people really want to focus on removing the "feeling bad" aspect... and I'm not saying that we shouldn't learn to forgive ourselves... But I do think that acknowledging those downfalls for what they are is very important to understanding our hurdles and potential temptations.
It's something I've written about before, the root causes of things... and I am going to be flooding my outside journal with entries this weekend to catch up. One of those entries is actually going to be about these roots, about the darkness. I'll share it on MFP because previous candid posts have helped others... so they say anyway.
For example, and I've actually shared it recently in the forums, after having written it over a year ago... I wrote a modest length entry about how I felt that losing weight was making me ugly. Just as you say in this writing, that you're not as thrilled as you thought you'd be... I was writing about the changes I saw in myself and my attitude, and how I wasn't really sure I liked them very much. I think it's a worthwhile thing to think about if a person is emotionally ready to face the issues.0 -
girl, motivation comes from within. Never look to somebody else for that in which you can only find in yourself. You will always end up disapointed and end up writing posts like this.
i disagree. if we only looked inward for motivation, some would never find it. sometimes one small push from a kind person that really understands can make all the change needed. on the flip side... sometimes one cruel word sticks with us for years. yes what is in inner motivation can get us far, if we know where to look... but most times it takes another to help us find it. an outside force/reason. it is good to tap in to our inner strength, but being able to support & receive support is needed to make it in anything...in my opinion that is.
I'm glad that you and Quasita expressed this POV. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not firmly planted in the "need outside support" camp; my motivation has always stemmed from within. I've never been thrust forward, or pushed back, because of bullying or negativity, and I've never relied on anybody's support, caring, or cheering for inner motivation. For me the loathing of being fat has always been the motivation I needed, whether I stepped out on that motivation or not. I've just always been both my biggest motivator, and harshest critic. I've thought several times before that I truly believe I'd still lose the weight even if I was the only man left on Earth. I just hated having my body buried in blubber that much. I didn't like the look of it, the feel of it, and most importantly, the way it made me feel about myself.
It's such a blessing though to see it from the perspective of other people. To be reminded that yes, this journey really is so personal, and so varied, amongst us all. To be reminded that many of us really do need community, understanding, and support to reach our highest selves. And while that doesn't apply to me much in the arena of weight loss, I definitely can see that need in other areas of my life.
I was thinking about this just now, and I wanted to say that I do understand both sides of the coin. I struggled with depression and binge eating/bulimia/anorexia (cycling one after the other) for so long that I think the time period where I was purely just frustrated with being fat was clouded over.
I honestly love my body. I really do. There are not many days that I look in the mirror, and think, that's disgusting. My eating disorder issues weren't even really rooted in hating my body, as is stereotypical. It was more that I believe life was meaningless, that no one loved me, and my existence was pointless, so what did it matter if I ate, didn't eat, ate till it hurt?
I think part of having a community is having a group of people that are paying attention to your details, who can see the things you can't. Sometimes we are so critical of ourselves that we can't see how we are changing... How our faces are slimming, our endurance developing, etc etc. Other people can sometimes open our eyes to these things.
Will also say that when I've been really sick due to the complications, I've been surprised. For example... Last year, I had to be hospitalized (again) on my birthday of all days, for a life-threatening infection that I had been fighting for months... a complication from a previous surgery. By that point, MFP had seen me work hard and then have to deal with complications, several times. Anyway, I updated my profile here, depressed and upset. Members who knew my name and the hospital I was at sent flowers, called... I even received a gift bag full of magazines and some balloons. It's part of why I came back after recovery.
I totally respect the fact that some people do not feel it is pivotal to their experience with weight loss. I'm just saying, some of us, our lives may have been essentially saved by community support.
Part of the sadness in my post is due to the fact that friends I've made here have accomplished their goals and thus left the community. It's a happy sadness.. But feels lonely when you know you're going to be here much longer.0 -
Hey y'all! I'm on here to add some MFP friends for motivation and support. Feel free to friend me!0
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Don't give up, ever!!!! Even if you never find another person to connect with, and your going at this alone, just don't give up.0
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I'm a super fat man who is taking his weight loss super seriously.
And I'm old enough to know I don't know much about anything. My years of absolute certainty are decades behind me now, alas!
Like you, I don't really get involved in the social side of MFP. I use it to log my food and track my progress. However, I have found that participating in some of the group challenges has engaged me.
Don't give up! Logging every day does help me, maybe it will help you too.
Frank (FTW37)
Nothing to add that has not been said in this thread, but congrats Frank on the 182 pounds lost.
Very impressive!!!0 -
Where are all the super fat people that have stopped feeling sorry for themselves all the time, and are actually taking this seriously? Who have moved past letting their heavy body be an excuse for why they don't exercise? Who will help me feel like I'm not so alone in fighting an almost impossible beast?
Here I am! We're friends, and I don't make excuses, I'm just on here tracking every day and talking about fitness and health goals. I've surrounded myself with similar people, no matter what size they are or where they are in relation to their goals, and my list is a great place. No whining, no bull****, just honest discussions of what's working, what's not, what's hard, what we're having trouble with today, what feels amazing.0 -
girl, motivation comes from within. Never look to somebody else for that in which you can only find in yourself. You will always end up disapointed and end up writing posts like this.
This is so true! Sometimes I get fed up of being the only one out of my friends to workout/eat well, one or two of them do it for a short while then give up...but you know what, the results I live with from my efforts are all worth it!0 -
Okay the only thing I can say here is ... if someone is here daily they are serious about losing, or maintaing or whatever it is they are here to do (some are here to gain weight also). If a person starts a profile and they are gone within a month with little or no effort to learn something then they weren't serious.
Some people feel the need to lose some of the weight before starting to exercise - honestly a girl I know says she won't go to the gym until she loses weight - I tried to tell her that people aren't watching HER at the gym they are worried about themselves.
Whatever it takes to get someone to be serious ... it's THEIR journey ... not mine and not yours. They have to find what works for them and eventually will if they are serious about the weight loss.
Yes lots make excuses but many don't so we have to just worry about our own journey and let the rest worry about theirs.0 -
Hey y'all! I'm on here to add some MFP friends for motivation and support. Feel free to friend me!
OK, Quasita, you gotta admit, this
IS funny. 0 -
Hey y'all! I'm on here to add some MFP friends for motivation and support. Feel free to friend me!
OK, Quasita, you gotta admit, this IS funny.
LOLsigh
:laugh:0
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