Daughter needs help

Hi!

Now, I warn you, this is going to sound kind of blunt, so don't take it personally, but I speak from experience (from the child's perspective) when I say that, unfortunately from your stance, no amount of hounding you do on her is going to work. I am 18 years old and have struggled with my weight since I was very young, and still do greatly. I first noticed it in the 3rd grade when they started weighing us at school and a few of my friends made fun of me because I weighed 95 pounds when everyone else weighed much less. That was when I was 8. Since your daughter is 11, and like others on this thread have already stated, she is most likely aware that it is a concern. But I'm going to tell you right now that forcing her to diet or exercise, or taking her to a doctor--just to have them tell her what she already knows--is not going to help. No amount of "force" from anyone else is going to push her hard enough to take control. Now, don't take what I'm about to say as an attack on your parenting style (I'm sure you are an AWESOME dad since you seem to care about your daughter's health and want to help!). My parents, especially my mom, were this same way when I was growing up and they are still great parents--BUT, if you push her and push her, she will resent you even more than she already will for "allowing" her to be overweight at a very young age. Even if it wasn't necessarily your "fault," that's more than likely how she will think of it later (once again I am not placing blame on you, but speaking from my feelings and experiences with my own parents).
To sum it up, she has GOT to find the motivation in herself. One day, she will look in the mirror and if she isn't happy with the way she looks or feels, she will kick it into gear, but NOT for you, or anyone else. For herself.

I'll give you some tips regarding what helped/did not help me to start finally dealing with my weight issue:

-Providing healthy foods - GOOD!
-Teaching portion control - GOOD!
-Restricting her diet - ehhhh. Not so good. She should be taught that it isn't WHAT you eat, but how MUCH. Eat what you want, but always in moderation!
-Forcing exercise - Nope. Not good. Exercise is a scary word. What is good is promoting an active lifestyle and incorporating exercise into your family time to make it fun! (and not scary :laugh: ). Go on walks/hikes, ride bikes, even just playing outside! (In the sun or in the snow) Anything that promotes activity. We never really did this in my family, so when my mom realized I needed to be more active, I wasn't very willing because for so many years I lived my life at school and on the couch!
-"Put that back, you aren't hungry" - Definitely definitely not. There's nothing wrong with getting a snack when she gets home from school. I've even learned that it's healthier to eat smaller, more frequent meals throughout the day. But If you tell her she can't have it, she's just going to get in the habit of scarfing things out of the fridge when you aren't looking. Now, if you notice her just grazing throughout the day, then maybe you should say something. Once again, it's all about moderation.
-Getting junk out of the house - GOOD! There's nothing wrong with a treat from time to time, but keeping it around is nothing but temptation and a young girl doesn't have the willpower to say "no I don't need that candy bar." They say "heck yes, a freakin' candy bar, score!"
-Using the word "fat" as an adjective - nope nope nope. A hundred gagillion times nope. She probably gets enough of that crap from her peers, the last thing she needs is to get it from her dad.
-Reminding her that she has a weight issue - never ever ever ever EVER do this. She knows. Trust me, she knows.

And lastly,
-Teaching her that it isn't about numbers - This is probably the most important one. I grew up looking at the scale and being disappointed with myself. Back when my family was trying to make losing weight a group effort, Mom would have us weigh in weekly, and even when I was at my smallest and healthiest, the scale still told me I was overweight. She should track her progress by her happiness with herself. Not just what she sees when she looks in the mirror, but how she feels overall.

Sorry this was so long, but I want to help as much as I can! Your daughter will be fine with a little encouragement, and your relationship will not suffer over this if you are supportive, but not overbearing. Good luck to both of you, and I hope you check in later with how she's doing!

I'm aware that I'm going to come across as callous and rude, but I'm very surprised that no-one has expressed similar sentiments to your post or the replies.

In what way does the need for change have to come from a child? An 11 year old child? A 12 year old child? They do not buy or prepare their food, nor do they choose the majority of family activities. They are minors, they should not be handed the burden of wanting to change their diet, activity levels or anything else related to their lifestyle. It is an abdication of parental responsibility to put the onus on them at all.

I am a parent and my child is not overweight, so I cannot offer practical advice about this I'm sorry, nor can I imagine how difficult that task ahead of you is. But I'm just confused about the logic of wanting the child to change their mindset first. Mine has his own difficulties and has to be dragged (literally) kicking and screaming into doing things that in the long run are for his own good, but he is the child and I am the parent. I try to be as democratic as possible, but his health is my responsibility, not his.

Actually I did - in my post I stated "I am the adult"..I also stated I took away the video games that have you sitting on your butt. As well as dictating what my kids eat. The only thing I can not control is what they choose when not with me...Hence my requirement for teaching them what they should and should not choose.

My child has had weight issues from day one...as an infant she was bigger than her twin - as a toddler concern started and as a child...I became concerned.

I am a HUGE advocate of teaching them - not just hand / make them...if you make them do it or make them eat something without teaching they have no idea why they are doing it. Therefore...every step of the way I teach my children so it stays with them as teens - young adults ans hopefully as parents themselves.

Sorry if I was unclear and I know I may have appeared rude - my comment did not apply to you. I was referring to comments about the motivation for change coming form the child or when the child has no interest in changing, that's the part I struggle to understand.

I'm aware that I'm going to come across as callous and rude, but I'm very surprised that no-one has expressed similar sentiments to your post or the replies.

In what way does the need for change have to come from a child? An 11 year old child? A 12 year old child? They do not buy or prepare their food, nor do they chose the majority of family activities. They are minors, they should not be handed the burden of wanting to change their diet, activity levels or anything else related to their lifestyle. It is an abdication of parental responsibility to put the onus on them at all.

I am a parent and my child is not overweight, so I cannot offer practical advice about this I'm sorry, nor can I imagine how difficult that task ahead of you is. But I'm just confused about the logic of wanting the child to change their mindset first. Mine has his own difficulties and has to be dragged (literally) kicking and screaming into doing things that in the long run are for his own good, but he is the child and I am the parent. I try to be as democratic as possible, but his health is my responsibility, not his.

It's obvious you don't have a child that's overweight or struggled with it. Have you ever tried to stand over your child at a birthday party and tell them in front of the other kids they have to stop eating so much? Like 3-5 cupcakes when most kids have one. Yes I am the parent but do you know how mortifying it is to your child to stand over them and tell them to stop. And saying it's just one birthday party let her splurge isn't an option. There's always special occasions. Nearly every weekend we have a birthday party or special event to attend. She has to want to take charge and gain a sense of control. I can't be at school with her all day to make sure she doesn't trade her healthy lunch for cupcakes/chips. I recently learned she had been sneaking money out of the change jar and getting snacks and pop from the vending machine. She has to want it too. I'm not saying as a parent you can't eliminate some of these things. I'm saying just like any person, they have to want it too. Your job as a parent is to give them good options and encourage better decisions. And that's with every aspect of life! I bought my daughter a trampoline becasue she wanted one for her birthday. I made her go outside and looked out to see she was laying on the trampoline looking at the sky with her earbuds in. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.

Like you, I am also trying to get in shape. When I was running my last 5k, I was impressed with how many kids were there, as we as adults who were pushing strollers and had another kid tagging along. I don't have kids yet, but I told my husband that when we do, I want to be that family who goes on early morning walks and incorporates activity into everyday life. I think what you are doing is very admirable. My parents always kept junk food in the house, but now that I'm on my own, my husband has to hide his stash in his office, so I can focus on only having healthy choices around.

I know you mentioned that she's uncomfortable playing outside, but once she reaches a more comfortable weight level, you all could try more than just walking. There are all sorts of sports she could try, lessons--if she doesn't feel ready to be part of a team, or you all could vary the walks by going pretty places to hike.

Also, when I was a kid, I thought I was unathletic and quit all of the sports that's parents signed me up for. When I got to high school, I found out that I had had undiagnosed exercise-induced asthma, so you might want to get that checked out.

We have a 10 year old who has a little bit of pudge. We've never told her she's overweight, or addressed it with her. She's still growing. When she was little, she'd get a bit of a belly, and then would get tall (and the belly would go away). Then she'd do it again....get a bit of a belly, then get tall. Last couple of years, she keeps getting tall, but still has a bit of pudge.

We don't have any foods that are completely off limits, but we do limit things. For example, she likes Paradise Café chocolate chip cookies. She has 1 a night as a snack while we're winding down.

If she's hungry, we encourage her to have something like yogurt, applesauce, a banana, peanut butter crackers, cheese....something my 7 year old would call "a healthy choice." (I'm convinced she's going to be a dietician when she grows up! LOL)

That same applies to the 7 year old. If she wants a reese's peanut butter cup, we tell her she has to have something healthy first....preferably something protein. (Yeah, I know peanut butter has protein, but still.)

I've been told by dr's and nutritionists that since I have PCOS and insulin resistance, if I have a snack or a carb, to make sure I have a protein first. Protein's take longer to digest, and since carb's burn off rather quickly, it's important to have that protein in the belly first. That's why we chose to apply this concept to our girls. They have no problem with it either.

Our youngest is constantly on the move, but our oldest would rather sit and play on the computer. With the weather getting warmer, she does like to play outside - so we'll go outside to play - they can ride their bikes or scooters - and I've started taking walks with them so I can get healthier too. Before I lost the 88 ish pounds, I wasn't able to do that. (take walks).

Just keep encouraging healthy choices with foods, encouraging physical activity whether it's walking around the subdivision or taking them to a playground, and ABOVE ALL - make sure you let your child know YOU LOVE HER NO MATTER WHAT. Her weight is NOT what defines her. It is NOT the determining factor over whether or not people like you. People who only see pudge do not see who she really is. I tell my daughters every day that I love them, that they are smart, pretty and awesome. I tell them WHY too....My oldest daughter has red hair. I tell her how pretty it is and that not many people have hair that color and/or pay for their hair to be that color. It makes her special. When they talked about genetics in her science class, they "sorted" the kids by who had blonde hair, brown hair, etc. She was the only one with red hair. We tell her that's because she's unique and that it's in her genes.

Just like my youngest has blue eyes. Mine are green, and my husbands are brown. My sisters, brother, and father all had blue eyes - most of my cousins on my dad's side have blue eyes. We tell her that's part of what makes her beautiful.

Do everything you can to build up her self esteem so that when the kids at school pick on her, she'll have built up her armor enough that she's confident enough in herself to just let it slide off like it was nothing. Let her know that sometimes people aren't nice, and there's nothing you can do about it. It comes from negativity within themselves, not from anything she's said or done. Since she knows what it feels like when people treat her a certain way, she now knows that she shouldn't treat others that way either. Show her how to be the best version of herself she can be.

My parents harped on me ALL MY LIFE about my weight. That's all they saw. They focused on "what" I was instead of "who" I was. They told me nice boys don't want to go out with fat girls. They badgered me that I should lose weight for them because children are supposed to out-live their parents. They insisted I lose weight for my kids because they'd grow up without their mother. They used guilt, intimidation, bribery (We'll pay you to lose weight), shame...all things that tear people down. There was no focus on building me up. I felt like people who were fat were nothing/nobody, and that they would only love me if I were skinny. PLEASE DO NOT TREAT YOUR DAUGHTER THIS WAY!! It doesn't work. There's nothing worse than thinking people will only love you or think you're worth knowing if you're skinny.

*climbing off my soap box*

some forms of exercise do not seem like it - I lost a ton of weight as a kid roller skating - I have no idea how much I was burning skating from a to b

I do agree with others that suggest finding out what she likes to do - also find some powerful women athletes that are not stick figures for her to read up on - Holley Mangold is awesome - Also the movie Strong about lifter Cheryl Haworth is worth watching

This may seem like an out there suggestion and you may balk at it - see if she might be up for martial arts or boxing - this may also help with the being picked on

Bottom line is a kid has to want to take the steps themselves. You can't force the changes on them unless there is a health issue. But it is working well. He's happy that he has lost a bit of weight. And the other day there was a birthday party at school with cupcakes. He ended up bringing it home and giving it to my wife, saying that he really didn't want it.

As a fat kid, looking back I agree with this. My parents are healthy, they always exercised when I was growing up and we rarely had a lot of "junk" food in the house. I was fully aware I was overweight and I hated it. I honestly don't know what my parents could have done differently; they would try rewards, I could sign up for whatever sports I wanted, etc. etc...but at the end of the day it seemed easier to just be fat and a lot of work for something I wanted right away.

I would just be careful limiting "junk" food too much. I remember when I went off to college it was like a free-for-all...even after I started driving I was still in high school, I started getting fast food on my own. We rarely ate fast food growing up, and had a lot of lean meat because my mom doesn't eat red meat. She will have to learn that you can still eat cupcakes and chips and fries, but not the whole container or bag of them.

A child does not buy food and does not do the cooking. So, start by taking the blame. I do not mean, feel guilty about it. I mean sit with her, talk about you feel as a family you have made poor eating choices and worry about everyone's health and how you are going to make changes. Talk about food groups, healthy food choices and start planning meals and snacks. Not to starve, but to add lots of fruit, lean meats, vegetables and so on, with limited treats at scheduled times or days, for everyone in the family. Focus on health, not fat. And make sure that you follow the plan, and not change the rules if you lose your own motivation.
Second, talk about the need to exercise to keep in shape and be healthy, not as a way to lose weight. Again, let her know how you are trying to change your own habits for your health, and since you love her, you want her for company and to be healthy too. Do not mention body weight, she is too yougn to worry about this.

I don’t know if you are referring to my post regarding motivation but I never said anywhere to “wait until your child is motivated.” That would just be absurd. I stated a person should motivate their child but that the child has to want it to some degree to make it work. I eliminate temptations and get her active as often as I can but I can’t be over her shoulder 24/7 to make the decisions for her. She has to want it in those times. It’s just like a kid who wants to be better at sports. They have to want to put the effort forth to be the best on the team. Some get it naturally (just like those kids with kick but metabolisms like my oldest daughter) but some have to really work hard. You can motivate them with a new bat and glove but they have to want to be better and practice in order to succeed.