Business dinner- inappropriate or not?

dwh77tx
dwh77tx Posts: 513 Member
in Chit-Chat
I have been married for 15 years. My husband has traveled for work all during our marriage and had many business dinners out, in groups, alone with another female colleague, etc, but his recent trip bothered me. He went out of town and did a presentation with his new subordinate and they had a late dinner together. I told him that I think this is inappropriate. She is single, about 15 years younger than him. No, I don't feel threatened, I have seen a picture and I know I don't have anything to worry about. I just think that this seems like a "dinner date". I am fine with him traveling with her otherwise, sharing cabs, plane, lunches, etc. Just the dinner thing bothers me. Opinions?

He already said he was sorry and that he won't do anymore dinners with her alone.
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Replies

  • the_dude00
    the_dude00 Posts: 1,056 Member
    I think you are overrating or have trust issues, maybe they are merited. Idk... Don't know you or Husband.

    I am in similar situations a few times per month. After a long day, catching up with a colleague at dinner with drinks is routine. Gives a nice time to review the day and get to know a colleague you work closely with.
  • SherryTeach
    SherryTeach Posts: 2,836 Member
    I do not see anything wrong with having dinner with a work colleague. I took my student teacher to dinner to celebrate his new job. I am 59 and he's 26. Neither my boyfriend or his girlfriend thought a thing of it. I've had dinner with other work colleagues and male friends on other occasions. I have dinner occasionally with my yearbook sales rep. Half of the population is male. Some of them happen to be my friends or associates. No one in my social circle things anything of it.
  • fatter2fitter
    fatter2fitter Posts: 1
    ...No, I don't feel threatened, I have seen a picture and I know I don't have anything to worry about.

    So the only thing your husband is attracted to is looks? And you're ok with that?
  • TitanGM
    TitanGM Posts: 1,161 Member
    It's easy for people to argue your "trust issues", but it is normal for people to feel concerned. And yes, I think is inappropriate knowing your mate will feel concerned all the time.
  • rachrach7595
    rachrach7595 Posts: 151 Member
    I don't see the problem.
    I have traveled a lot for work in the past and dinner is dinner regardless of the time.
    Your husband is a grown man and shouldn't have a curfew. Address the reason it is a problem within yourself and let the guy be.
  • mandos_13
    mandos_13 Posts: 21
    I've had late dinners with a male in a position of power over me (supervisor and lab director) on business travel and other male colleagues. I went out drinking a few nights in a row during field work with an older, married coworker. Sometimes dinner is late depending on what the work involves, and if I only know one other person (my male coworker), why should I have to go out alone? I'd say it's more inappropriate for a male coworker to ignore me because I'm female and/or younger than him than to have a simple dinner. Work is not a date ever, unless there's some other underlying attraction already there.

    I really don't understand why you are bothered now and never were before. Has your husband given you reason to be concerned about this particular woman? Does she act inappropriately towards him? If not, from my own experience, you really shouldn't be concerned/annoyed/worried about that dinner.
  • Josalinn
    Josalinn Posts: 1,066 Member
    idk, I think of it this way, you get done the presentation, and you're hungry, you have 4 options:
    1)eat alone, separately, which is awkward to say "bye i have to go eat by myself now because there my wife wants me to have a chaperon."
    2)invite people from the presentation out to dinner but then you might have to treat and thats expensive
    3)eat together at a restaurant (unless its like a super romantic dim lit kind of place)
    4)get take out and eat in the hotel room (also awkward)

    I think #4 would be the "most worrisome" but even then, I am personally not concerned if my bf did that.

    Humans like to have company while they eat. Go blame nature.
  • Commander_Keen
    Commander_Keen Posts: 1,179 Member
    would you care if she was married and 15 year older than your husband/
  • craftywitch_63
    craftywitch_63 Posts: 829 Member
    You know your husband better than any of the rest of us. If this feeling isn't the norm for you, then your "Spidey-sense" is telling you that something is wrong with this particular co-worker going out with your husband.

    Your husband must agree because you said he promised he'd never do it again, right?

    Believe it or not, and he may not, eating alone will not kill him and may save your marriage.
  • zoeysasha37
    zoeysasha37 Posts: 7,088 Member
    I think it was most Likely a harmless dinner, as they could've been working very late and both needed to eat dinner afterwards anyway. Just remember that he married you for a reason :-)
    I also am in this situation quite often, as my husbands job keeps crazy hours and his Co workers are mostly younger females. I just to to remember that Co workers often develop friendships and usually take that extra time just to vent about their day. It's probably harmless :-)
  • MrsPaulSmith
    MrsPaulSmith Posts: 401 Member
    I personally avoid being alone with a non-relative male. And my husband avoids being alone with non-relative females. I agree that it was inappropriate. Though I do wonder why you are bringing it up since he has agreed to avoid it in the future?
  • Sunbrooke
    Sunbrooke Posts: 632 Member
    My husband travels for work a lot. He is in upper management and travels with various coworkers of both sexes. He says that he can see it being weird with some people and not with others. I told him that it would make me uncomfortable and he admits that he wouldn't like being on the reverse side either (like if I was lunching alone with a staying at home dad and strategizing PTA stuff).

    It isn't that we don't trust each other, we just put each other first, even when it seems kinda stupid to one of us. We have both pulled the trump card occasionally and it feels good not to bicker over that stuff. We both admit that we have some insecurities and we respect each other's feelings.
  • scottkjar
    scottkjar Posts: 346 Member
    My husband has traveled for work all during our marriage and had many business dinners out, in groups, alone with another female colleague, etc, but his recent trip bothered me.
    For 15 years, you were not bothered. Now you are bothered. Something has changed in your relationship with your husband that is causing this change in your attitude. Is he less attentive to you? Less affectionate? Are you feeling amorous toward someone else? Figure out that change, and you will figure out the solution.
  • Josalinn
    Josalinn Posts: 1,066 Member
    Sigh I guess my bf and I are weird. I have lunch with just male friends and he has lunch with just female friends. He's moving 2 hours away for a job and I can't imagine trying to put a restriction on who he hangs out with, alone or in groups. But it probably helps that I have said that I don't care if he and his buddies go out to the bars and dance and have a good time. Too much stress to worry about it.

    We've been dating for 8 years, and you know what? He's introduces me to the female friends he makes at school, and I snap them up and make them my friends.

    Edit for grammar
  • SymphonynSonata
    SymphonynSonata Posts: 533 Member
    My husband has traveled for work all during our marriage and had many business dinners out, in groups, alone with another female colleague, etc, but his recent trip bothered me.
    For 15 years, you were not bothered. Now you are bothered. Something has changed in your relationship with your husband that is causing this change in your attitude. Is he less attentive to you? Less affectionate? Are you feeling amorous toward someone else? Figure out that change, and you will figure out the solution.

    /thread
  • GertrudeHorse
    GertrudeHorse Posts: 646 Member
    My husband has traveled for work all during our marriage and had many business dinners out, in groups, alone with another female colleague, etc, but his recent trip bothered me.
    For 15 years, you were not bothered. Now you are bothered. Something has changed in your relationship with your husband that is causing this change in your attitude. Is he less attentive to you? Less affectionate? Are you feeling amorous toward someone else? Figure out that change, and you will figure out the solution.

    /thread

    Exactly. Based on what's written in the OP the dinner sounds fine. I think the answer lies in why this time bothered her when it never did before.
  • trojan_bb
    trojan_bb Posts: 699 Member
    Huh. As a traveling businessman, this is common practice and part of the job. Everyone gets dinner with whoever else is on the trip after the work day. Dinner and drinks with a colleague, different gender or not, is to be expected.
  • FoxBean
    FoxBean Posts: 910 Member
    My husband has traveled for work all during our marriage and had many business dinners out, in groups, alone with another female colleague, etc, but his recent trip bothered me.
    For 15 years, you were not bothered. Now you are bothered. Something has changed in your relationship with your husband that is causing this change in your attitude. Is he less attentive to you? Less affectionate? Are you feeling amorous toward someone else? Figure out that change, and you will figure out the solution.

    THIS
  • dwh77tx
    dwh77tx Posts: 513 Member
    Let me clarify, I have no problem with them eating together- it was the nature of the dinner. It sounded like a "date" to me, which irritated me. How about a more casual place, not somewhere with bread baskets, appetizers, and desserts. I guess this was my real issue.
  • thesupremeforce
    thesupremeforce Posts: 1,206 Member
    Let me clarify, I have no problem with them eating together- it was the nature of the dinner. It sounded like a "date" to me, which irritated me. How about a more casual place, not somewhere with bread baskets, appetizers, and desserts. I guess this was my real issue.

    So, the line is drawn at "bread baskets, appetizers, and desserts" now? I guess that rules out going with coworkers to Texas Roadhouse. Applebees would have been safe? I don't recall them having bread baskets (though I haven't been to one in a while).
  • TravelinChiGal
    TravelinChiGal Posts: 216 Member
    As a married woman who does travel with her slightly older, married boss or other sales people for my company never once have I made a dinner or even drinks out in a strange town with a familiar face (albeit my boss or whatnot) into anything NEAR date-like. Sure, my boss and I are friends as are the other people I travel with, but I honestly don't think you have anything to worry about here.

    Maybe I have no idea what goes on with other "work dinners" but when traveling for work, a dinner out or a drink out is just that... A dinner or a drink. Part of the job.


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  • sillygoosie
    sillygoosie Posts: 1,109 Member
    If you don't feel threatened or jealous, why is it inappropriate?
  • mister_universe
    mister_universe Posts: 6,664 Member
    If you're traveling together and have one rental car, what exactly is the other person supposed to do for a meal? I'm ignoring the bread basket makes it a date angle...that's just stupid.
  • sillygoosie
    sillygoosie Posts: 1,109 Member
    If you're traveling together and have one rental car, what exactly is the other person supposed to do for a meal? I'm ignoring the bread basket makes it a date angle...that's just stupid.

    If they are bread sticks, they could be phallic and lead to thoughts of sex. Just a thought.
  • msf74
    msf74 Posts: 3,498 Member
    Let's cut to the chase here.

    Why don't you trust your husband to be around a younger woman?
  • BusyRaeNOTBusty
    BusyRaeNOTBusty Posts: 7,166 Member
    Huh. As a traveling businessman, this is common practice and part of the job. Everyone gets dinner with whoever else is on the trip after the work day. Dinner and drinks with a colleague, different gender or not, is to be expected.

    This.
  • Collier78
    Collier78 Posts: 811 Member
    Huh. As a traveling businessman, this is common practice and part of the job. Everyone gets dinner with whoever else is on the trip after the work day. Dinner and drinks with a colleague, different gender or not, is to be expected.

    This.

    X2
  • peleroja
    peleroja Posts: 3,979 Member
    Huh. As a traveling businessman, this is common practice and part of the job. Everyone gets dinner with whoever else is on the trip after the work day. Dinner and drinks with a colleague, different gender or not, is to be expected.

    This.

    Yep. I'm an assistant to a CEO and I can tell you that business travel is full of dinners with colleagues, and most of the time it's either super boring or an opportunity to decompress and speak in a more unfiltered way with someone who's on your side. There's nothing sketchy about dinner with an opposite-sex colleague in itself.

    I trust my guy completely with his co-workers, personally, because I trust him in all situations (and he's never given me the slightest bit of reason not to do so.) He's actually going skiing with a female co-worker (who skis at his same high level) this weekend because we got great snow but I don't want to drive out to the mountains this time. I just don't see it as a big deal if he hangs out with other women. He rewards me with the same courtesy, and neither of us have ever abused that trust.
  • SugarBaby71
    SugarBaby71 Posts: 3,630 Member
    I think he's okay to have dinner with the colleague. Late or not. I travel for work and I'm the only female on my team it would be a lonely trip if I could only eat alone and not with whomever I'm travelling with. Yes it is frequently just tow of us and often quite late. I have never thought of these dinners as any sort of date, and neither have my colleagues.
  • JoRocka
    JoRocka Posts: 17,525 Member
    Let me clarify, I have no problem with them eating together- it was the nature of the dinner. It sounded like a "date" to me, which irritated me. How about a more casual place, not somewhere with bread baskets, appetizers, and desserts. I guess this was my real issue.

    did it just happen that the presentation ran late - or did they go out well after the presentation was over?


    if it sounded like a date to you then address it.

    I live 2 hrs from my BF- we only see each other Wed and Thursday- I work all week long- but once a month I take a weekend of for me and go up to see him. (normally he comes to me).

    I'm amicable and I don't deal with jealous- he has female friends- I have male friends and life would never work if we put heavy typical restrictions on such things- but one morning- after some intimacy he made a comment about a girl at work baking him a cake for his birthday.

    That just was too much for my little brain to handle- I said- i really don't appreciate the fact I feel like you eat food this girl makes you and not what I make you- and please don't make me be a jealous girl friend- as he hands me his phone- go through my phone!!! I said I don't WANT to go through your phone- I want to just trust you- but telling me crap like this makes me suspicious- esp after we've been close- like WTF would you bring that up.

    Point is- SOMETHING happened to raise your little TO MUCH for me flag. figure out what it is- for me I felt betrayed that he was accepting food gifts and he refused to eat what I made him. But we identified the issue and handled it.

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