Touchy subject.......Regarding Physical Attraction

_KitKat_
_KitKat_ Posts: 1,066 Member
in Health and Weight Loss
Ok, How do I put this.

I saw a post in another thread and a woman mentioned, she had gained (a good chunk) of weight and her ex husband then had an issue with sex (parts not working). I am sure the guy had other issues and wasn't supportive but it made me start wondering....Is it really being a bad person if you are not physically attractive to your significant other because of body changes.

I have not dealt with this myself but even loving my husband as much as I do, I do not think I would be sexually attracted to him if he gained a lot (+50lbs). I would still love him but just not sure the physical urge would be there. If I massively changed my body mass, I am not sure his "parts" would work and it would hurt but I do not see how I could blame him. I hear all the time looks don't matter, but I would have never gotten to know how wonderful my husband is if I wasn't attracted to him in the first place and vice versa. Overall small changes the spark remains, just changing into something completely the opposite of what the other finds physically attractive I can not see blaming the other person.

Also YES if your spouse is rude, not supportive or just an *kitten*...drop him

I am not talking about insulting SO's just the physical reaction. I would love to hear from men and women and hear all sides. If you are the person who posted something like this, I mean no insult just generally curious.
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Replies

  • Tillyecl1
    Tillyecl1 Posts: 189 Member
    My ex-partner (of 6 years) and I split up because I lost ~35kg and he didn't find me attractive anymore.

    EDIT: I now have a new boyfriend (4 years) who is a much better match for me so it all ended well :-)
  • ChristineRoze
    ChristineRoze Posts: 212 Member
    My mother gained a large amount of weight after having breast cancer and the after cancer pills don't really help (she gets pains etc) and in all honesty i can tell that my dad isn't as attracted to her, he sometimes makes small remarks and isn't as happy to be out with her.

    They love each other but there comes a point where you need to look after yourself, physically and emotionally and as long as you're trying then the partner should be supportive and help them reach their goals. However if they are not trying and don't care then you can't blame them for leaving or being rude i guess.
  • blueboxgeek
    blueboxgeek Posts: 574 Member
    I understand what you are saying, my hubby was a lot bigger when I met him (as was I) but we both wanted to lose weight and get fit. If either of us put the weight back on we would still be attracted to each other but having seen each other slimmer, possibly not as much as before.

    It wouldn't be a problem and I know we could work thorough it, physical attraction is only part of the attraction in a relationship, but people cannot help what they are physcially attracted to.
  • 120by30
    120by30 Posts: 217 Member
    For me, it hasn't mattered so far. My husband is noticeably heavier than when he first caught my eye. I am noticeably heavier, too, and can't blame it all on having 4 kids. We still have the hots for each other. ☺️
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,982 Member
    Physical attraction is part of the relationship. It's hard to be intimate with a partner you're not physically attracted to, which IMO is why in lots of marriages or relationships, sex tends to wain as people gain weight over the years.

    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness industry for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
  • LeahNMe
    LeahNMe Posts: 73 Member
    I can't say I wouldn't be attracted to my sweetie anymore, but I will tell you this, we have both put on some weight in the last couple of years, and two months ago when we hugged, I realized we were reaching over both our bellies.
    I think he looks at me differently, tho he still loves and respects me and is always thoughtful and loving. But I felt the attraction part of our relationship was sorely lacking. I finally looked at him and flat out asked him, or told him basically. "Your not attracted to me anymore because I'm getting fat!?" Being the sweet man he is he said I was full of crap and I needed to shut up ;0)
    I've always told him that I love it when he lies to me as long as he's doing it because he loves me. ;0)
    We had a good laugh about it, then I got serious.
    I joined MFP and fiddled for a week or two then drug him in with me.
    He has lost almost ten pounds and I have lost five, we both look better and feel better.
    As for the other part......guess I'll find out when he finally comes back home!
  • _KitKat_
    _KitKat_ Posts: 1,066 Member
    My mother gained a large amount of weight after having breast cancer and the after cancer pills don't really help (she gets pains etc) and in all honesty i can tell that my dad isn't as attracted to her, he sometimes makes small remarks and isn't as happy to be out with her.

    They love each other but there comes a point where you need to look after yourself, physically and emotionally and as long as you're trying then the partner should be supportive and help them reach their goals. However if they are not trying and don't care then you can't blame them for leaving or being rude i guess.

    The small remarks an not wanting to be out in public would be my main concern. He almost lost the love of his life and to behave that way is just being an *kitten*! I would understand the physical aspect though.
  • SezxyStef
    SezxyStef Posts: 15,267 Member
    My husband says (and I believe him because proof is in actions) that he doesn't care what I weigh...he will still be attracted to me as long as I am as confident as I have ever been.

    He met me at 175...married me @ 185...was "attracted" to me at 205 and still is at 156...

    He says the attraction is about confidence not external things...

    Now if the roles were reversed? I believe it would be the same scenario...

    I used to think it would make a difference but I realize that I have had boyfriends bigger than him, less good looking than him and it was all about their confidence as well.

    Would I choose a man who was extremely overweight...no...a little bigger than my current aka 50lbs more sure...he's 180-185 so for me to date a man who was 230 isn't a stretch...it all depends on how confident they are.
  • logg1e
    logg1e Posts: 1,208 Member
    Why are you saying "parts"? Do the words penis and erection get censored?
  • _KitKat_
    _KitKat_ Posts: 1,066 Member
    I can't say I wouldn't be attracted to my sweetie anymore, but I will tell you this, we have both put on some weight in the last couple of years, and two months ago when we hugged, I realized we were reaching over both our bellies.
    I think he looks at me differently, tho he still loves and respects me and is always thoughtful and loving. But I felt the attraction part of our relationship was sorely lacking. I finally looked at him and flat out asked him, or told him basically. "Your not attracted to me anymore because I'm getting fat!?" Being the sweet man he is he said I was full of crap and I needed to shut up ;0)
    I've always told him that I love it when he lies to me as long as he's doing it because he loves me. ;0)
    We had a good laugh about it, then I got serious.
    I joined MFP and fiddled for a week or two then drug him in with me.
    He has lost almost ten pounds and I have lost five, we both look better and feel better.
    As for the other part......guess I'll find out when he finally comes back home!

    When I gained my weight these last couple years, I always make fun of my hubby. He will make comments like "Your *kitten* is perfect" and I always ask "but you said that before I gained, how can it be perfect now? Were you lying in the past or now?" He just always laughs and tells me I am beautiful then and now.
  • kristenveganvixen
    kristenveganvixen Posts: 87 Member
    My hubby and I are both on MFP and doing this together for health... we've both yo-yoed over the years and still found each other attractive at all weights. They're still the person you fell in love with whatever weight they are and maybe a relationship is just a fling based on lust rather than a deeper love if a bit of weight gain makes that much of a difference to how someone feels?

    I think we all have preferences when it comes too partners with various aspects of appearance- we both prefer each other with longer hair but I had short spiky hair and he had a shaved head when we started dating!

    I think what can come along with weight gain is lower self-confidence, low moods and loss of libido which can all also put a strain on a relationship- indeed depression is often part of the cause of weight gain so it can become a vicious circle.
  • wolfsbayne
    wolfsbayne Posts: 3,116 Member
    For me, it's not just the physical aspects that make my SO attractive to me. It's kind of like you see someone that you find insanely hot. Then they open their mouth and don't seem so hot anymore and vice versa. It's everything about him that makes me attracted to him. His personality, the way he looks at me, the way he treats me, the way he touches me. It's not just what he looks like. He gets more and more attractive to me every day just by being him.
  • _KitKat_
    _KitKat_ Posts: 1,066 Member
    Why are you saying "parts"? Do the words penis and erection get censored?

    Wasn't sure :huh:
  • MBrothers22
    MBrothers22 Posts: 323 Member
    There's nothing anyone can do about physical attraction. If someone puts on or loses a lot of weight, people will lose or gain attraction to that person. This happening doesn't make them a bad person because you don't get to choose who you are physically attracted to. It just isn't a choice.
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  • _KitKat_
    _KitKat_ Posts: 1,066 Member
    For me, it's not just the physical aspects that make my SO attractive to me. It's kind of like you see someone that you find insanely hot. Then they open their mouth and don't seem so hot anymore and vice versa. It's everything about him that makes me attracted to him. His personality, the way he looks at me, the way he treats me, the way he touches me. It's not just what he looks like. He gets more and more attractive to me every day just by being him.

    I like this a lot.

    For me I am just not sure because I have never dealt with it, my husband in fit, muscular and 6'. Having never dealt with it, I have no way of knowing. Also just a little background, I have been married 17 yrs so it is definitely not a fling.
    When I started losing weight my partner at the time told me she was no longer attracted to me. It hurt. But she's gone now.

    Here's the thing with physical attraction, yes it's important. But good luck making it last. No matter how hard we try, we all will get older. So if you're of the attitude that "unless I'm physically attracted to my partner I'm out" well.. I hope you have a thing for 60 years olds. We don't stay young forever. And it's nice to have a partner you love and care about enough to stick with and grow old together. Not just find someone you think is hot and have weekly weigh-ins until you move on to the next person.

    Just how I choose to look at things. What's on the inside is so much more important.

    I never said anything about leaving, I am speaking about the actual physical attraction. After 17 years my husband and I have sex now more than we ever have. and if I live another 60 years he is who I plan on holding hands with and loving him more than i can even imagine.
  • ColeCake292012
    ColeCake292012 Posts: 247 Member
    My libido is more based on my own body and how I feel about it. My husband has been sexually attracted to me at 190 pounds, all the way down to 135, everything in between, and even 40 weeks pregnant. As long as I feel good with myself, our sex life is just fine.
  • mandasalem
    mandasalem Posts: 346 Member
    Doesn't there come a time for most people when sexual attraction is a lot more complicated than finding someone physically attractive? If there's personality changes along with it, then okay, I can maybe get behind it, but marriage is work. Communication is work. Sexual activity and keeping it interesting is work. It's lazy to just go "Eh, you changed how you look, I can't get my rocks off anymore." There are ways to work with what you have and work on intimacy when outward appearance is a challenge.
  • MysteriousMerlin
    MysteriousMerlin Posts: 2,270 Member
    My hubby weighed 140lbs when we got married over 12 years ago. He's a teacher, so with job stress and less physical activity, he now hovers around 215-220. Still as sexy as ever!
  • StaciMarie1974
    StaciMarie1974 Posts: 4,138 Member
    Personally: when I wasn't taking care of myself I didn't 'feel' attractive and that hurt my sex drive. Being unhappy with one's own body doesn't make one want to spend time naked! Hubby's weight gain may have had the same impact on him, but his putting on the weight didn't change how I felt about him.
  • LassoOfTruth
    LassoOfTruth Posts: 735 Member
    Parts not working, really?! Lolz.

    My parts, and his parts work incredibly great. I'm over 300+ and he's 280; they work exactly as they did when we were both skinnier, and when we were both fatter. That's just such a weird concept for me... parts not working because of fatness and skinniness level. I don't know if I'm offended, or just intrigued where you got that from.

    Oh, and I am editing to add:

    My boyfriend's looks attracted me to him. His personality and heart kept me there. If he lost his looks somehow, I'd still love him the same, if not more as time goes on. Yes, you should be physically attracted to the person you are with, but after a while (we've been together for 5 years almost) you fall in love with your heart, the looks are just a great added bonus. I could be wrong, I've been told I'm a hopeless romantic.
  • Jestinia
    Jestinia Posts: 1,153 Member
    Not at all. What is bad is fat shaming (i.e. bullying) people for their size.

    Also when women get pregnant our bodies change and rarely go back to how they were before, so if a man is thin obsessed, he should definitely look into sterilization.
  • LeahNMe
    LeahNMe Posts: 73 Member

    Also just a little background, I have been married 17 yrs so it is definitely not a fling.

    Congratulations! We were 17 years last Saturday, which is when my profile pic was taken!
  • luckydays27
    luckydays27 Posts: 552 Member
    My husband met me when I was 220 lbs, married me when I was 180 lbs. But now that I am 145 lbs, he says he is not attracted to me as much. In fact, my skin feels weird to him and he thinks I am too thin. Repulsed is a word that has been tossed out. Hearing all of this hurts and unless he learns to love the new smaller/fitter me, we wont be together as long as I had hoped.

    I met him when he was 250 lbs, I married him at 260 lbs and he is now 280 or so. I love him just as much today as I did when I first realized it. Looks and weight dont matter to me, I love him no matter what. I will probably love him, even if we ultimately end up divorced. I do wish he would lose weight and I try to encourage him but like each and every one of us, he has to want it more than he wants the pizza and burgers.

    It saddens me, especially when I would do anything I can for him. However, "anything" has been redefined to "anything healthy" as I refuse to put on the weight that I lost just to make him happy.
  • establishingaplace
    establishingaplace Posts: 301 Member
    I don't think someone is a bad person because they stop finding their SO attractive due to body changes.

    They're a bad person if they say nothing, or making rude comments, or try to fake it.
  • 503pdx
    503pdx Posts: 31
    For me it's more about how I feel about myself. My husband has found me attractive and can't keep his hands off me from over a 25lb swing. However, when I'm heavier I feel less attractive and it makes it harder for me to be sexy. He's put on some weight since we got married but it doesn't bother me like the weight I put on myself.

    I think people get comfortable in a relationship and stop putting in the effort for each other. I think that, more than weight, is the problem. If my husband is still dressing nice for me, smelling good, looking good, a few extra lbs. don't matter. But if he's lounging around the house in yesterday's undies, scratching himself, smelling like he's afraid of the shower...then the extra few lbs will be way more noticeable!
  • logicman69
    logicman69 Posts: 1,034 Member
    I had gained ALOT of weight after marriage. (100+lbs). I definitely noticed my sex life took a downward turn. While my wife never said anything negative about my weight gain, and she said that she loves me no matter what, I knew that she just wasn't attracted to me anymore. After loosing the weight and then some, I have noticed that my sex life is back and better than ever.
  • aribugg
    aribugg Posts: 164 Member
    i havent been with my boyfriend for years, we're coming up on one year shortly. and at the peak of my weight gain (getting close to the highest weight) was when things got hot for us, so to speak lol. we had always flirted with remarks that let me know his "parts" were working just fine haha. and when i got to my heaviest, they didnt stop. lol
  • ktsmom430
    ktsmom430 Posts: 1,100 Member
    Pretty shallow IMHO......................just saying
  • CassandraBurgos83
    CassandraBurgos83 Posts: 544 Member
    I love my husbands build...He's muscular with a good layer of insulation and to me his body is perfect(I like big boys). He wants to lose weight and tone which is great for his health and he looks even better when he is a bit more toned, but if he did gain weight I would not be less attracted to him. Not to forget to mention, I actually fell in love with him for him, and not having a clue as to what he looked like-met him VIA online through a mutual friend and when I did finally see his pic a year later I didn't believe it was really him. SO I was attracted to his heart, mind and personality and the looks were an added bonus. :)

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