Touchy subject.......Regarding Physical Attraction
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I think weight gain is only part of the attraction issue. I think when people gain weight, they tend to feel bad about themselves and then they act less confident, less happy, less vibrant.0
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My husband met me when I was 220 lbs, married me when I was 180 lbs. But now that I am 145 lbs, he says he is not attracted to me as much. In fact, my skin feels weird to him and he thinks I am too thin. Repulsed is a word that has been tossed out. Hearing all of this hurts and unless he learns to love the new smaller/fitter me, we wont be together as long as I had hoped.
I met him when he was 250 lbs, I married him at 260 lbs and he is now 280 or so. I love him just as much today as I did when I first realized it. Looks and weight dont matter to me, I love him no matter what. I will probably love him, even if we ultimately end up divorced. I do wish he would lose weight and I try to encourage him but like each and every one of us, he has to want it more than he wants the pizza and burgers.
It saddens me, especially when I would do anything I can for him. However, "anything" has been redefined to "anything healthy" as I refuse to put on the weight that I lost just to make him happy.
I was always afraid of this myself...since I am the smallest woman my husband has had a long term relationship with...and it appeared he was becoming less attracted..
ETA: turned out he was just tired due to work/winter and during vacation it turned around after he got to relax and rest.
It's too bad that word was tossed out that's just so mean but I think it says more about him not you..perhaps his feeling are more rooted in his self esteem or his fear you will leave him for a smaller fitter man?0 -
This is my story almost exactly! My hubby loved me and treated me as his beautiful wife, but the butt slapping and physical flirting began to disappear. We still had sex and enjoyed each other but the intensity just wasn't there.Doesn't there come a time for most people when sexual attraction is a lot more complicated than finding someone physically attractive? If there's personality changes along with it, then okay, I can maybe get behind it, but marriage is work. Communication is work. Sexual activity and keeping it interesting is work. It's lazy to just go "Eh, you changed how you look, I can't get my rocks off anymore." There are ways to work with what you have and work on intimacy when outward appearance is a challenge.
I would think in most case there is also a personality change. This is " Sexual activity and keeping it interesting is work. It's lazy to just go "Eh, you changed how you look, I can't get my rocks off anymore." " very important, even hot you have to keep sex interesting, but I like when my husband is in jeans and shirtless, I like that making me excited. Without that I can see "making love" and maybe coming to orgasm, but the urge and drive is what I could see dissipating. My husband is my life partner no matter what, but physically I do not think you have control over what you find attractive, not love or personality but hormone fluxing attraction. Kind of like the vibrator does the job but I prefer my man.
It was partly my insecurity with my weight/rolls but it was also that he wasn't spontaneously turned on by watching me change or bend over to pick things up.
I don't thing someone should feel bad for losing physical attraction fore someone if there are drastic changes in appearance.
Now that I have lost the weight our sex life is as good as it was when we met 8 years ago. I have my confidence back and he is physically turned on again when he sees me.0 -
My husband loved me and was physically attracted at my biggest. True love for a person comes within not physical. I beleive there has to be physical attraction to begin a relationship but once the love bug bites this shouldn't matter. Lets face it even if we arent over weight we are not going to look as good at 50 as we did at 20. That's life. If a person truly loves someone they might have a desire for what they want that person to weigh or look like but the love is still there. My husband told me he wanted me to lose for health reasons more than the way it looked. He told me that is why our eyes start going bad around 40 so we will not see the change. Lets face it a wife that births children and with years of growing older there is going to be changes. God intended for us to love our spouse as ourselves. Good marriages have the foundation of true love and what we look like should not cause problems in a marriage.
I really think many are misunderstanding, I am PURELY talking physical hormones not LOVE.
You bring up an excellent point, which kind of piggybacks off of what another poster said above that it's more about how *she* feels about herself (and thus her hubby has been attracted to her at various weights she's been at over the years)...
Some people start to feel really unattractive when they gain weight and I think this affects their "energy/aura", which can spill out to their SO, if that makes sense. In other words, the confidence, sassiness, sensuality, etc. that perhaps was a major part of what attracted them to their SO in the first place, may start to wane because the weight-gaining SO feels ashamed of themselves. So now the non weight-gaining SO not only has a different *looking* person than they married, they have a different *acting* person as well. I can see how that would be tough to deal with beyond the "physical" aspects of the issue.
She brings up a great point. Like I said, personally I just don't know...I may be more attracted to him if he gained a bunch of weight, I just didn't understand blaming someone for a hormonal response. Snide remarks or bad behavior or depriving your SO of love and affection are not things I find acceptable.0 -
For me it's more about how I feel about myself. My husband has found me attractive and can't keep his hands off me from over a 25lb swing. However, when I'm heavier I feel less attractive and it makes it harder for me to be sexy. He's put on some weight since we got married but it doesn't bother me like the weight I put on myself.
I think people get comfortable in a relationship and stop putting in the effort for each other. I think that, more than weight, is the problem. If my husband is still dressing nice for me, smelling good, looking good, a few extra lbs. don't matter. But if he's lounging around the house in yesterday's undies, scratching himself, smelling like he's afraid of the shower...then the extra few lbs will be way more noticeable!
Ditto that!!0 -
I can't imagine ever not being attracted to my husband. He will always be adorable and wonderful.0
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For me, physical attraction is a lot more than his physical body. The way he moves, the way he smells, the way he carries himself -- those are as important, if not more important, than his physique. Don't get me wrong, I totally have a thing for tall men with broad shoulders and nice backs -- those do me in. But, you know, my best looking bf (like an Ambercrombie Fitch model) was the least sexiest of all my lovers. He looked great in a photograph, but didn't have nearly as much of that animal attraction X factor.
My fiance's physique sure made me sit up and notice him when we first met, but the actual attraction grew into so much more. Now, I find things about him that are absolutely ridiculous super attractive -- some of them are purely physical (like I weirdly love the pooch he gets when he bulks -- we call it the "milk baby" as he drinks a ton of milk during bulking and he accuses me of being a closet chubby chaser) but others of them are personality-driven, quirks, etc. (like how he says "HUH?" like an 80 year-old man hard of hearing when he doesn't hear something).
Plus, we're all going to age, so if your attraction to your partner is based so heavily on their hot 25 year-old body (or throw in any other pure physical trait), you're setting yourself up for disappointment in any longterm relationship.0 -
Not at all. What is bad is fat shaming (i.e. bullying) people for their size.
Also when women get pregnant our bodies change and rarely go back to how they were before, so if a man is thin obsessed, he should definitely look into sterilization.
What is up with this judgement of men.
It's not about just men. I don't mind women who don't want to date large men, either, but they shouldn't be rude about it. Or get men pregnant. Luckily, that last one isn't currently an option.
But to be fair as we age our bodies change. Neither men nor women who are thinness/beauty obsessed to the point where they will lose attraction for partners over weight, wrinkles, sag, and etc. should enter into marriage or other traditionally long term relationships with anyone. Because it won't last unless that obsession changes. And it's sad when couples split over something like that. But it's even sadder when children are involved. So they shouldn't have any.0 -
My husband and I have been together for 11 years (married for 5) and he's seen me go from 120lbs to over 200lbs and back down... and up... and down... and even when I was repulsed by myself, he always said (and showed via his actions) that he was sexually attracted to me. I've seen him go from 110lbs to 150lbs and I never once thought he was unattractive. It's been so long and we've been through so much that physical attraction isn't even really what's important. If we can't love each other now, whatever we weigh, what are we gonna do in 40 years when we're both old, gray, wrinkly, etc?0
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I'm sort of the opposite here. I met my husband when I was at or near my top weight (343). In the 3 years we've been together, I've lost 113 pounds - that's a lot of weight. I was actually more worried that he'd see me as not attractive because I was too "thin" for his taste. He said that wouldn't happen, and... well, yeah, it hasn't.
Actually, I think he's secretly happier with me now, because I can do a lot of things now that I either couldn't before or I had a really hard time doing.
On our last vacation, we hiked up a mountain together taking paths that, at 343 pounds, I would have NEVER been able to tackle. Not in my wildest dreams, anyway. And I think it was then that we both realized what the weight loss has done for both of us - it opened up new experiences and new doors that we'll go through together.
My husband is (was) a LOT thinner than I, so I never felt comfortable with myself or with him (especially when it came to sex). He claimed it never bothered him, but... again, secretly, I think it did and he just didn't want to say.
Would either of us ever go back? That would be a "hell, NO."0 -
My husband has stuck with me through some extreme physical changes and been loving throughout. The only time the attraction ever waned for either of us is when one of us wasn't taking care of ourselves. We've both gone through periods where we "gave up" and the frustration of seeing someone you love sit on a sofa and do nothing is what isn't attractive.
And when I say extreme physical changes, I mean it. Extreme weight gain with my first pregnancy, and even cancer, baldness and mastectomy, he was still always telling me how attractive he found me. I've been attracted to him from 180 to 240 pounds.0 -
Not at all. What is bad is fat shaming (i.e. bullying) people for their size.
Also when women get pregnant our bodies change and rarely go back to how they were before, so if a man is thin obsessed, he should definitely look into sterilization.
What is up with this judgement of men.
It's not about just men. I don't mind women who don't want to date large men, either, but they shouldn't be rude about it. Or get men pregnant. Luckily, that last one isn't currently an option.
But to be fair as we age our bodies change. Neither men nor women who are thinness/beauty obsessed to the point where they will lose attraction for partners over weight, wrinkles, sag, and etc. should enter into marriage or other traditionally long term relationships with anyone. Because it won't last unless that obsession changes. And it's sad when couples split over something like that. But it's even sadder when children are involved. So they shouldn't have any.
When 20 somethings get married they may not be attracted to older people, but that will change when they grow and get older.0 -
Not at all. What is bad is fat shaming (i.e. bullying) people for their size.
Also when women get pregnant our bodies change and rarely go back to how they were before, so if a man is thin obsessed, he should definitely look into sterilization.
What is up with this judgement of men.
It's not about just men. I don't mind women who don't want to date large men, either, but they shouldn't be rude about it. Or get men pregnant. Luckily, that last one isn't currently an option.
But to be fair as we age our bodies change. Neither men nor women who are thinness/beauty obsessed to the point where they will lose attraction for partners over weight, wrinkles, sag, and etc. should enter into marriage or other traditionally long term relationships with anyone. Because it won't last unless that obsession changes. And it's sad when couples split over something like that. But it's even sadder when children are involved. So they shouldn't have any.
When 20 somethings get married they may not be attracted to older people, but that will change when they grow and get older.
I do think that happens in some cases, but in the two instances of men I've known personally who were thin obsessed I very much doubt it. One was verbally abusive about it, the other just had a terror of fat women. And by 'fat' he literally meant any woman who weighed over 100 pounds. He also had issues with his own not-so-thin body. Never would take his shirt off.
Well, maybe both of them got over it or got therapy and then got over it, but that doesn't negate the many men out there shopping for skinny young second wives to replace their fat wrinkled first ones. Pretending those men don't exist is pointless. They do. I suppose the female equivalent exists too, if to a lesser extent.0 -
My husband has stuck with me through some extreme physical changes and been loving throughout. The only time the attraction ever waned for either of us is when one of us wasn't taking care of ourselves. We've both gone through periods where we "gave up" and the frustration of seeing someone you love sit on a sofa and do nothing is what isn't attractive.
And when I say extreme physical changes, I mean it. Extreme weight gain with my first pregnancy, and even cancer, baldness and mastectomy, he was still always telling me how attractive he found me. I've been attracted to him from 180 to 240 pounds.
This is what I was more wondering too. Some seem to think I am being vain, but having never had either of us drastically change shape, I have no Idea what hormone response either of us could have. It is awesome to hear about such a strong relationship. My marriage is pretty damn great and I do not see that changing for anything, but hormones or lack of hormonal response is what i was curious about.
Ok... I am really asking for it but.....Do the views change about what I am asking in my post if A: The person answering started off physically fit and always viewed health and activity as important and looked for a partner with the same characteristics or B: Someone that physical appearance has never been a priority.?
I am thinking it might because if a person who always valued health and being active gain a large amount of weight without a health concern, there would have had to be a personality change as well.
I am not including health issues because that is beyond control and irrelevant to the question. Also anyone that has been married as long as I have can tell you: you need to love your partner, you need to be in love and they have to be your best friend non of these should change with a physical change unless personality changed also.0 -
My husband met me when I was 220 lbs, married me when I was 180 lbs. But now that I am 145 lbs, he says he is not attracted to me as much. In fact, my skin feels weird to him and he thinks I am too thin. Repulsed is a word that has been tossed out. Hearing all of this hurts and unless he learns to love the new smaller/fitter me, we wont be together as long as I had hoped.
I met him when he was 250 lbs, I married him at 260 lbs and he is now 280 or so. I love him just as much today as I did when I first realized it. Looks and weight dont matter to me, I love him no matter what. I will probably love him, even if we ultimately end up divorced. I do wish he would lose weight and I try to encourage him but like each and every one of us, he has to want it more than he wants the pizza and burgers.
It saddens me, especially when I would do anything I can for him. However, "anything" has been redefined to "anything healthy" as I refuse to put on the weight that I lost just to make him happy.
I was always afraid of this myself...since I am the smallest woman my husband has had a long term relationship with...and it appeared he was becoming less attracted..
ETA: turned out he was just tired due to work/winter and during vacation it turned around after he got to relax and rest.
It's too bad that word was tossed out that's just so mean but I think it says more about him not you..perhaps his feeling are more rooted in his self esteem or his fear you will leave him for a smaller fitter man?
Yes, I believe that this is more his insecurities which is why I have not given up. I am pretty sure that if he were more comfortable in his own skin, he would not feel this way. His diet started back up again this week and hopefully he starts feeling better about himself.
Funny thing is, all along the way of my journey, I have asked him how he feels about my weight loss. I did not want him to feel the way he does about me now. Had he mentioned some number of pounds ago that I was getting a little thin for his tastes, I may have went to maintenance at that point. However, he said nothing so I continued on and am pretty happy with where I am right now. But he is not
But I know he loves me. He shows me that he does but love and attraction are not the same thing. And love alone is not a reason to stay married. I can only hope that he starts to feel better about himself so we can move past this. Or just go for the kill and let our marriage die a quick death (last thing in the world that I want right now).0 -
Yes, touchy subject.
I was the woman who wrote the post.
There were things going on that I didn't tell in the post because I didn't think it mattered. But evidently it seems to.
Not only were we have money issues at the time, but we were planning on moving to another city for his new job (leaving my stable one behind). He was also starting to lay down plans in the background for an affair with my friend at the time. Of which I had caught wind and was trying to stop it. It wasn't until I found out they were getting married that my fears were not "silly" and "a figment of my imagination." We had rules in the house I was expected to follow. Such as, I couldn't talk to his family about anything but weather and their health. If we did go out and see people, I would get a run down on the way home about what I did that embarrassed (I have Severe ADHD (possible autism) and social encounters for me are stressful and I don't do well sometimes. I have improved on that over the years). If I was watching TV he would walk in and say "are you really going to watch that?" and if I didn't join him to watch WWF with him, I would be chastised for not supporting him. And the list goes on and on.,..
The truth of the matter is, I knew he wasn't that much attracted to me because of the weight, I just wanted him to admit that other stresses could be part of it too. And at the time I was on a diet and had lost about 20 lbs. It was just the last straw for me.
I am now for the first time in over 13 years am again doing something about my weight to get it off permanently.
I was trying to tell the woman she didn't have to take it from her hubby and that was why I posted so she would know I knew where she was coming from.
This is not the first time someone has basically said that it's natural for that to happen. My mom did by telling me that I use be used to it and plan on it happening. (I didn't speak to her for over a year because of this while I worked on myself, of which i regret terribly now.) However, I feel that he could of done it better than saying. "If your A** hasn't grown so big we wouldn't have this problem" or "Why are you crying? You should of known this would happen, you ate that food." and "Well, if you don't like what I have to say, move out."
So, yes...ED is a physical reaction to a woman if you want to have sex with her. But it's not all physical. There emotional aspects too. In retrospect I think the ED was the symptom of a man who planning on having me cook and clean and help with bills, while he had his cake on the side.
Now he's married with a kid with my friend (which chaps my butt because he told me we weren't ready to be parents and that he didn't want kids.....what he meant was he didn't want a kid with me. LOL)
Ok..verbal diarrhea over. Sorry if I got acidic. This is a very sore topic for me but I felt maybe ya'll needed the other half of the story.0 -
I don't think I would have that much of an issue with the physical or visual part. I've been with a few very obese partners and still felt attracted to them. My husband is a healthy weight and very fit with a great body -- flat stomach, muscular build, etc. Even if he became less active and gained like 100 lb, I am certain that I would continue to feel attracted to him, even if I missed the visual appeal that he has currently. However, I would have much more of an issue with the mental/emotional reasons for my husband gaining (or even losing) a huge amount of weight. I would be worried about him and want him to figure out whatever was causing the gain (or drastic, extreme loss).
When I met my husband about 2 years ago, I weighed 271 (which was not my heaviest), and now I weigh 186. He has been extremely attracted to me at both of those sizes.0 -
Yes, touchy subject.
I was the woman who wrote the post.
There were things going on that I didn't tell in the post because I didn't think it mattered. But evidently it seems to.
Not only were we have money issues at the time, but we were planning on moving to another city for his new job (leaving my stable one behind). He was also starting to lay down plans in the background for an affair with my friend at the time. Of which I had caught wind and was trying to stop it. It wasn't until I found out they were getting married that my fears were not "silly" and "a figment of my imagination." We had rules in the house I was expected to follow. Such as, I couldn't talk to his family about anything but weather and their health. If we did go out and see people, I would get a run down on the way home about what I did that embarrassed (I have Severe ADHD (possible autism) and social encounters for me are stressful and I don't do well sometimes. I have improved on that over the years). If I was watching TV he would walk in and say "are you really going to watch that?" and if I didn't join him to watch WWF with him, I would be chastised for not supporting him. And the list goes on and on.,..
The truth of the matter is, I knew he wasn't that much attracted to me because of the weight, I just wanted him to admit that other stresses could be part of it too. And at the time I was on a diet and had lost about 20 lbs. It was just the last straw for me.
I am now for the first time in over 13 years am again doing something about my weight to get it off permanently.
I was trying to tell the woman she didn't have to take it from her hubby and that was why I posted so she would know I knew where she was coming from.
This is not the first time someone has basically said that it's natural for that to happen. My mom did by telling me that I use be used to it and plan on it happening. (I didn't speak to her for over a year because of this while I worked on myself, of which ai regret terribly now.) However, I feel that he could of done it better than saying. "If your A** hasn't grown so big we wouldn't have this problem" or "Why are you crying? You should of known this would happen, you ate that food." and "Well, if you don't like what I have to say, move out."
So, yes...ED is a physical reaction to a woman and if you want to have sex with her. But it's not all physical. There emotional aspects too. In retrospect I think the ED was the symptom of a man who planning on having me cook and clean and help with bills, while he had his cake on the side.
Now he's married with a kid with my friend (which chaps my butt because he told me we wern't ready to be parents and that he didn't want kids.....what he meant was he didn't want a kid with me. LOL)
Ok..verbal diarrhea over. Sorry if I got acidic. This is a very sore topic for me but I felt maybe ya'll needed the other half of the story.
I mentioned most likely there were other issues and knew there had to be, I was just curious because I have seen it other times on the forum. I meant no disrespect. He sounds like an *kitten*. I was also only curious about the hormonal response. No woman or man should be treated that way.0 -
Not at all. What is bad is fat shaming (i.e. bullying) people for their size.
Also when women get pregnant our bodies change and rarely go back to how they were before, so if a man is thin obsessed, he should definitely look into sterilization.
What is up with this judgement of men.
It's not about just men. I don't mind women who don't want to date large men, either, but they shouldn't be rude about it. Or get men pregnant. Luckily, that last one isn't currently an option.
But to be fair as we age our bodies change. Neither men nor women who are thinness/beauty obsessed to the point where they will lose attraction for partners over weight, wrinkles, sag, and etc. should enter into marriage or other traditionally long term relationships with anyone. Because it won't last unless that obsession changes. And it's sad when couples split over something like that. But it's even sadder when children are involved. So they shouldn't have any.
When 20 somethings get married they may not be attracted to older people, but that will change when they grow and get older.
I do think that happens in some cases, but in the two instances of men I've known personally who were thin obsessed I very much doubt it. One was verbally abusive about it, the other just had a terror of fat women. And by 'fat' he literally meant any woman who weighed over 100 pounds. He also had issues with his own not-so-thin body. Never would take his shirt off.
Well, maybe both of them got over it or got therapy and then got over it, but that doesn't negate the many men out there shopping for skinny young second wives to replace their fat wrinkled first ones. Pretending those men don't exist is pointless. They do. I suppose the female equivalent exists too, if to a lesser extent.
I've definitely known some thin-obssessed guys over the year (grew up in southern California). And the issue I found with them in particular -- whether it was thin-obsessed or hot-obsessed -- is that they really lacked their own self-worth. They looked to the women they were with to validate their own awesomeness -- so arm candy was the only thing that would do. They struggled a lot as they got into their 40s and 50s, even the ones with money...
Rough way to live.0 -
The day we divorced I told people I had the cheapest weight loss surgery ever and fastest. In one day I lost 180 lbs of worthless flesh.0
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