Touchy subject.......Regarding Physical Attraction

"I hear all the time looks don't matter, but I would have never gotten to know how wonderful my husband is if I wasn't attracted to him in the first place and vice versa. "

I hear all the time looks don't matter, but I would have never gotten to know how wonderful my husband is if I wasn't attracted to him in the first place and vice versa. Overall small changes the spark remains, just changing into something completely the opposite of what the other finds physically attractive I can not see blaming the other person.

My husband loved me and was physically attracted at my biggest. True love for a person comes within not physical. I beleive there has to be physical attraction to begin a relationship but once the love bug bites this shouldn't matter. Lets face it even if we arent over weight we are not going to look as good at 50 as we did at 20. That's life. If a person truly loves someone they might have a desire for what they want that person to weigh or look like but the love is still there. My husband told me he wanted me to lose for health reasons more than the way it looked. He told me that is why our eyes start going bad around 40 so we will not see the change. Lets face it a wife that births children and with years of growing older there is going to be changes. God intended for us to love our spouse as ourselves. Good marriages have the foundation of true love and what we look like should not cause problems in a marriage.

Yes, touchy subject.

I was the woman who wrote the post.

There were things going on that I didn't tell in the post because I didn't think it mattered. But evidently it seems to.

Not only were we have money issues at the time, but we were planning on moving to another city for his new job (leaving my stable one behind). He was also starting to lay down plans in the background for an affair with my friend at the time. Of which I had caught wind and was trying to stop it. It wasn't until I found out they were getting married that my fears were not "silly" and "a figment of my imagination." We had rules in the house I was expected to follow. Such as, I couldn't talk to his family about anything but weather and their health. If we did go out and see people, I would get a run down on the way home about what I did that embarrassed (I have Severe ADHD (possible autism) and social encounters for me are stressful and I don't do well sometimes. I have improved on that over the years). If I was watching TV he would walk in and say "are you really going to watch that?" and if I didn't join him to watch WWF with him, I would be chastised for not supporting him. And the list goes on and on.,..

The truth of the matter is, I knew he wasn't that much attracted to me because of the weight, I just wanted him to admit that other stresses could be part of it too. And at the time I was on a diet and had lost about 20 lbs. It was just the last straw for me.

I am now for the first time in over 13 years am again doing something about my weight to get it off permanently.

I was trying to tell the woman she didn't have to take it from her hubby and that was why I posted so she would know I knew where she was coming from.

This is not the first time someone has basically said that it's natural for that to happen. My mom did by telling me that I use be used to it and plan on it happening. (I didn't speak to her for over a year because of this while I worked on myself, of which i regret terribly now.) However, I feel that he could of done it better than saying. "If your A** hasn't grown so big we wouldn't have this problem" or "Why are you crying? You should of known this would happen, you ate that food." and "Well, if you don't like what I have to say, move out."

So, yes...ED is a physical reaction to a woman if you want to have sex with her. But it's not all physical. There emotional aspects too. In retrospect I think the ED was the symptom of a man who planning on having me cook and clean and help with bills, while he had his cake on the side.

Now he's married with a kid with my friend (which chaps my butt because he told me we weren't ready to be parents and that he didn't want kids.....what he meant was he didn't want a kid with me. LOL)

Ok..verbal diarrhea over. Sorry if I got acidic. This is a very sore topic for me but I felt maybe ya'll needed the other half of the story.

If there's personality changes along with it......

You bring up an excellent point, which kind of piggybacks off of what another poster said above that it's more about how *she* feels about herself (and thus her hubby has been attracted to her at various weights she's been at over the years)...

Some people start to feel really unattractive when they gain weight and I think this affects their "energy/aura", which can spill out to their SO, if that makes sense. In other words, the confidence, sassiness, sensuality, etc. that perhaps was a major part of what attracted them to their SO in the first place, may start to wane because the weight-gaining SO feels ashamed of themselves. So now the non weight-gaining SO not only has a different *looking* person than they married, they have a different *acting* person as well. I can see how that would be tough to deal with beyond the "physical" aspects of the issue.

My husband has stuck with me through some extreme physical changes and been loving throughout. The only time the attraction ever waned for either of us is when one of us wasn't taking care of ourselves. We've both gone through periods where we "gave up" and the frustration of seeing someone you love sit on a sofa and do nothing is what isn't attractive.

And when I say extreme physical changes, I mean it. Extreme weight gain with my first pregnancy, and even cancer, baldness and mastectomy, he was still always telling me how attractive he found me. I've been attracted to him from 180 to 240 pounds.

When I posted this thread I was more thinking along the lines of the women that will post and say how wonderful her husband is but he recently told them (after being badgered when she notices a reduction in flirting and his libido) that with the huge amount of weight she gained he is having a hard time being attracted to her in the physical way. The woman can mention they still have sex and that he is affectionate and so perfect but when people hear that he admitted his libido has declined since she gained (weather from looks or her mentality changes or the combination) The responses that will pour in is "how dare he say that" (she asked) "He is not great he is a pig and shallow". This scenario is not the post that got my mind on the topic but it is one I have seen a few times. On the same token many times if a woman posts that she is getting into great shape and her lazy husband just won't work on his health. She will then be told by most "how to help him change" or they will label him "insecure" "lazy" "not supportive". and if she mentions her libido is lower because of this, she will get understanding remarks and encouragement where the guy would be a troll or worse if he had made the exact same post.

Also I wasn't really talking about "ed" in the main post I should have worded it better I more meant things just are not the same or really happening in bed all the way to him experiencing ed.