Touchy subject.......Regarding Physical Attraction

Doesn't there come a time for most people when sexual attraction is a lot more complicated than finding someone physically attractive? If there's personality changes along with it, then okay, I can maybe get behind it, but marriage is work. Communication is work. Sexual activity and keeping it interesting is work. It's lazy to just go "Eh, you changed how you look, I can't get my rocks off anymore." There are ways to work with what you have and work on intimacy when outward appearance is a challenge.

I hear all the time looks don't matter...

Well, that's nonsense. We are programmed for attraction, and there is nothing wrong with feeling that way.

It's not the only thing that matters, of course....

Honey i never said you can't have both, i was just saying for people who ONLY want looks. Don't put words in my mouth darling. Having both is best of both worlds. Like i said before i was only talking about people who don't have an emotional connection and just physical, that is lust. So don't judge me babe.

Oh good a patronizing tone. Not sure what I did to deserve that but I think I'm done now.

Really? So you were judging me and making me out to be a dumbass and you want to play the "i'm innocent and i never do anything wrong" card. ...Okay then



Seems like you just don't want to admit that you were wrong by patronizing me first and putting words that i didn't say in my mouth.

Physical attraction is part of the relationship. It's hard to be intimate with a partner you're not physically attracted to, which IMO is why in lots of marriages or relationships, sex tends to wain as people gain weight over the years.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
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Been in fitness industry for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

You are so right.
I noticed that since I have lost weight, my mate is MUCH more attracted to me. Therefore, I "felt" he wasn't as attracted to me when I was heavy. However, I do have to say, he never said anything or denied me anything. But, yea... I could just tell.

i dont think losing the urge for your significant other means you dont love them anymore or that its ONLY lust and theres no love..i mean yes there are those fellas that as soon as their women gain weight they run and dont look back now those i think are shallow. but my partner instead or running hes helping me through it .. he ran in the begining caus he didnt know if he could love me at this point , then came back the same day after he realized it didnt matter to him hoe i looked. that he fell in love wih my personality not my size. now idk if its just me but when you dont like the way you look at all and just seeing how much youve left yourself go your attitude will change, mind did for sure ! i was always moody and angry, insecure and i still am a bit but im working on it.. my partner and i dont really have sex because he doesnt find my body as attractive like he used to but he says he loves me the same and maybe even more than before and that the sex isnt bad its just not the same, he doesnt get that "urge" to rip my clothes off like he did before..he still thinks im beautiful and tells me everyday and how much he loves me and that if i stay the way i am or get bigger he wont leave because his love for me is stronger than that..which i used to take offensive and i still do at times but i know if he gained 60 pounds just for being lazy id probably feel the same way. ill still love him but the sexaul urge wont be as strong as before? he still offers to have sex more often but i say no because right now it jsut feels like a chore.. i wanna wait until he can enjoy it to the fullest and not feel bad and that would make me very happy.
i guess everyone is different and has their own turn offs and opinions

I have experienced something similar to that moya can appreciate what you said about it not just effecting your partners attraction to you but also affecting your own confidence in a way that is detrimental. Sounds like you have a loving and supportive partner who was honest and although that must be hard it sounds like you are using this as motivation to be healthier for yourself and your own confidence which is great. Nothing shallow here at all :-).

I am also trying to get back into fighting form for similar reasons. For my health, for my confidence and because I owe it to the love of my life who has committed herself to me and I do not wish to disappoint.

Ive seen people on this forum be critical of wanting to lose weight or get in shape for the sake of your significant other but personally I think there is nothing wrong with external motivation if the result is a healthier happier more confident you.

Wish you the best and hope your boyfriend remains supportive.

Personally: when I wasn't taking care of myself I didn't 'feel' attractive and that hurt my sex drive. Being unhappy with one's own body doesn't make one want to spend time naked! Hubby's weight gain may have had the same impact on him, but his putting on the weight didn't change how I felt about him.

I completely agree. This is part of why I want to lose weight...so that I WANT to be naked and intimate...it definitely hurts my drive and interest...

Been reading the last 2 pages, I am really confused on how judgemental some people can be. I NEVER said love or affection would be lost, these are both emotions but a "Physical" attraction is just that...It is physical as in pulpable made of matter and your attraction to that. If anything even changed the way my husband looks drastically I would still love him over all others. Implying that people that value a Physical attraction as well as an emotional one are is someway shallow or have a bad relationship is just asinine. To be blunt if I gained 100+ lbs and then expected my husband to want to have sex with me, even though I know he would find this the complete opposite of attractive. I would be the one in the wrong. Would he still love me...yep he would probably still have sex but asking him to accept something that is fixable and then insulting him for having a feeling about it is not a partnership. It is someone who feels they are superior and everyone must go along with what they want and to have no opinion. I love myself but I do value my husband's opinion. We will grow old together and laugh at the wrinkles and still have sex, will it be as hot as now only time will tell. Being so self involved that one can not see their action (or lack of) having an effect on their partner is selfish. No wonder the divorce rate is so high. Enjoying a Physical attraction in no way harms a relationship and the emotional attraction just makes it amazing.

This

It depends on the emotional strength of the relationship in question. Speaking personally, I was married to a multiply disabled man for 14 years. His disease ravaged his body, but I loved him just as much at the end as at the beginning. More even, I think, because I knew what I was losing. So yes, the emotional attachment we shared definitely trumped any lack of physical attraction and desire we suffered. But not all couples have that strong a relationship. My second marriage, my ex left me probably mostly based on my weight gain. but I knew from the beginning he was a mistake. I don't blame him anymore, and I wish he would have left me sooner, or I would have been strong enough to leave him when I knew what a jerk he actually was.

In the end, if it doesn't work out due to lack of physical attraction, both people are better off, and likely there were other problems in the relationship. imo

This is what I was asking about, except my question was made based on a self inflicted physical change. Above you state "lack of physical attraction and desire we suffered" . That is sort of the point love didn't change but desire did. You were caring and compassionate, having a lack of physical attraction or lack of desire did not make you a shallow awful person. That is what the original post was regarding. Now wether or not a relationship is as strong as your, not all are but that is a different subject. So if you were with someone that inflicted a massive physical change upon themselves and you felt you were having a lack of desire or physical attraction to your changed mate, this is normal and does not reflect negatively upon you for feeling that way. You will still love them.

I agree. When the feelings are there, no amount of body changes will make a difference.

I've been reading along in this thread and wondering why there tends to be a moral weight to whether or not a person is physically attracted to another person. That's kind of where the topic has wandered. I don't think there should be, as if I'm physically attracted to someone I don't know, it is typically a biological response. I don't love that person. On the other hand, a person I've built a strong loving friendship with, I can find either physically attractive or not.

To put it simply, love is not (or shouldn't be) dependent upon physical attraction. One may grow from the other, and that's cool. Most people require that spark to remain in a romantic relationship, and I get that, and it is perfectly ok. My contention is, if the spark is gone and the relationship fails, it's not necessarily because of a lack of attraction, but because the emotional relationship was flawed in the first place. It is what it is. Count yourself lucky it's over and you can move on.

In my second example, if my ex had come to me and been honest and frank about his feelings, I would have made an effort to change. (I don't quit on people easily-even bad people. I'm stupid that way.) But then, he wouldn't have been a jerk, and I would have been happier, and maybe I wouldn't have eaten for comfort, which is my biggest struggle in this whole diet thing.

The truth is, people who really love each other are willing to say the hard stuff, and talk about those topics that are difficult to bring up, for the sake of the relationship. That's just how it works. (Others have made the same point on this thread.)

Looks do matter, but if I have to compare a bit of extra padding to bad grammar, vocabulary and such, the latter is honestly a much bigger turn-off for me; I can't stand primitive writing. And a guy, who behaves like an *ss, can be visually as gorgeous as can be, but there's nothing attractive about him. I'm all for personality, the body is just a vessel, and it's true for me what someone said earlier; a huge part of sex is between the ears. Sharing household stuff equally, showing interest in each other's thoughts and daily impressions, happily fulfilling the needs (outside of the bedroom) of each other, and so on are the glue for me. Honesty, consideration, love, kindness, having each other's backs. Yes, sex is great, but only a fraction of what happens in a good relationship.

ETA
I don't know why it popped up in recently popular threads, it's weeks old, sorry.

Love covers a multitude of sins.

The longer you're with someone, and truly in love, the more your attraction to them tends to move beyond skin deep. I know that I've personally seldom found fatter women attractive. But my wife has put on a decent amount of weight through the years. She is beyond the point where I thought my attraction would seriously wane, but it has not. I'm still madly in love with her, still attracted to her.

But does that mean that looks don't matter at all? Absolutely not. If my wife hit 300, or anywhere close to it, I'd still be in love with her, but I do believe there would be some attraction issues on a purely physical level. Doesn't mean my emotional/psychological attraction would disappear, or that we wouldn't still make love together in a connected, real way, but it would be an issue.

Take a look at me. I HATED being fat. My largest was over 300lbs. I would not have blamed my wife if she lost her physical attraction to me. But she didn't. To this day I am thankful that even at my heaviest, she was still attracted to me, still wanted to be with me, at my worst.

Still, it's undeniable that the way she looks at me, the way she touches me, how often she touches me, has changed since my weight loss. She's more taken by my appearance and it's reflected in how she is with me. I've mentioned that and she's initially denied it. She gave the "I'm attracted to you not matter what" spiel. And she was attracted to me, but she's even more attracted to me now. It took me coaxing out the truth over the course of the conversation, but finally she felt safe to admit to me, and herself, that yes, she's hotter for me now. Part of that is physical, and part of that is me just being more comfortable and confident. The better I feel about myself, the better lover I am, in addition to just looking better physically.

So it's not all black and white. There are levels of attraction. If you've got something real, solid, and potent with your lover, your sex life can still thrive even when physical changes have happened that aren't necessarily for the better. Still, it doesn't preclude the fact that improving your physical appearance just might make your significant other even hotter for you.

My ultimate goal? To have the kind of body that my wife would lust after even if she didn't know my name. She deserves that, and I do too.