Hurt Feelings? Anyone else? NEED ADVICE.

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24

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  • mp5girl
    mp5girl Posts: 13 Member
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    OK I didn't read ALL the previous posts... but I know MY man. He did something similar and here's what it boiled down to...

    1. My healthy choices made his meals healthy. He didn't like that. None of it. So my dieting had to be on me only. He'd rather have a plate of a pound of fried bacon than live 5 more years.

    2. Making these changes are not easy. He saw my struggles. He saw me unhappy, hungry, frustrated, etc. He didn't like that. So he was trying to support the current me. Basically thinking if dieting makes me not happy, I shouldn't do it.

    Men are simple. Could be he truly likes this 'meatier' you. Like all said, have a discussion over a few dark chocolate drizzled strawberries and see what the root of the problem is. ;)
  • BurntCoffee
    BurntCoffee Posts: 234 Member
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    You need to talk to him. We can sit here and speculate all day long about why he behaving the way he is, but none of us know his side of the story. You need to ask him what's going on and figure things out together.

    Yep, this. When my husband hurts my feelings, I tell him - I don't make him guess. Talk to him, figure out what's going on in his head and tell him how you're feeling.

    You guys are right but for me I always get even more upset because he usually has not clue what he did to upset me in the first place. Then I start that "You don't knowww?" ugly cry.

    I try to avoid the ugly cry at all costs (I'm not even a pretty silent crier). So if I get a haircut, he knows well beforehand so he can tell me how pretty I look when he gets home. If I tried a new style of makeup, I point out how lovely my eyes look, or if I'm wearing a new outfit I strut around. I think trying to make your partner guess what's "new" about you isn't really fair.

    I got this piece of advice shortly after I got married: Don't ever set your partner up for failure. I suppose this can mean different things to each relationship, but I took it to mean: if you're feeling sad, tell him you need extra attention that day. If you're feeling unappreciated, tell him. If you're feeling insecure, tell him (you get the picture).

    Sorry - I went off on my own little trail there.

    Yeah, that whole ugly cry thing is pretty symptomatic of much deeper issues in my marriage. Usually the ugly cry isn't really about what it gets blamed on. I have a lot of stuff to work through now that I am no longer feeding my sadness with food.

    But again, you are both absolutely right. Men can't read minds and we are sometimes complicated creatures. :)
  • TheVirgoddess
    TheVirgoddess Posts: 4,535 Member
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    Now I want to give you a giant hug. I hope your journey is incredibly successful. *smooch*
  • TrailRunnermn
    TrailRunnermn Posts: 105 Member
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    Some people are threatened when you do something for you. I'd definitely sit him down and ask him what's up. A strong support system at home is actually pretty important in an ongoing fitness habit.

    I second this.
  • ravenmiss
    ravenmiss Posts: 384 Member
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    You need to talk to him. We can sit here and speculate all day long about why he behaving the way he is, but none of us know his side of the story. You need to ask him what's going on and figure things out together.

    This a million times over.
  • fitnforward
    fitnforward Posts: 62 Member
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    Good Morning! My husband is in good shape and not overweight. He eats good foods and works on the farm everyday. I've tried to get him involved with my walking and exercise etc. but no luck. He went 1 time the first day for about 5 minutes and he cut it short. Yes, I have a lot of health problems that woke me up, mostly heart disease and losing my Mother 9 months ago. I have had emotional abuse from him--- but no more. If I lose my marriage because of wanting to get healthy so be it. You can't lose something you never had. My strength will be back physically and mentally. My blinders are on and I'm ready for this race. Thanks!! :happy:
  • fitnforward
    fitnforward Posts: 62 Member
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    Thank you. You are right. He is my partner I expected more from him not less. But it is what it is.
  • albayin
    albayin Posts: 2,524 Member
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    Good Morning! My husband is in good shape and not overweight. He eats good foods and works on the farm everyday. I've tried to get him involved with my walking and exercise etc. but no luck. He went 1 time the first day for about 5 minutes and he cut it short. Yes, I have a lot of health problems that woke me up, mostly heart disease and losing my Mother 9 months ago. I have had emotional abuse from him--- but no more. If I lose my marriage because of wanting to get healthy so be it. You can't lose something you never had. My strength will be back physically and mentally. My blinders are on and I'm ready for this race. Thanks!! :happy:

    He will come around. :) good luck~
  • fitnforward
    fitnforward Posts: 62 Member
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    I'm so glad I found this site! You guys are GREAT! Thanks for all the honest support it helps to see things in a different perspective. I feel better already and ready to walk!! CYA :bigsmile:
  • beckytcy
    beckytcy Posts: 135 Member
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    My first thought was that he's insecure and is afraid that if you lose weight and gain confidence, you will leave him. I had an ex who would say disparaging things to me to bring me down and make me believe I couldn't find someone better. Then I saw that you wrote he has been emotionally abusive. I am very sorry to hear that. It's wonderful that you are making healthy changes in your life and I hope you have supportive friends and family you can turn to. Stay strong! Best wishes.
  • karmac0matic
    karmac0matic Posts: 285
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    My boyfriend is always saying, though "jokingly" there's a hint of serious to it, "So now that you've lost weight how many of the boys are all over you?"

    It's an insecurity thing. He clearly wants to be the healthy, fit one and wants you to stay with him. Are you settling? If so, he knows and is very insecure that with confidence, you'll learn not to and move on.


    If you're not settling, then I don't know what his deal is but seriously take some time and ask him what's up and why he is so against you getting healthy.
  • abuck_13
    abuck_13 Posts: 382 Member
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    I have had emotional abuse from him--- but no more.


    That piece alone speaks volumes. Do what you need to do and move forward being a stronger and better person
  • logg1e
    logg1e Posts: 1,208 Member
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    He sounds insecure and jealous. He is certainly not being loving and supportive. Don't pander to his insecurities or manipulation and don't take your eye off your goals.

    Some people are saying you should talk to him and he's not a mind reader - well that could be said to him too. Our OP isn't a mind reader - how is she supposed to guess the alleged good intentions behind his cruel words? I bet he's not starting threads on forums asking how to look after his relationship.
  • Mischievous_Rascal
    Mischievous_Rascal Posts: 1,791 Member
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    I have had emotional abuse from him--- but no more.


    That piece alone speaks volumes. Do what you need to do and move forward being a stronger and better person

    Agreed. Sounds like his response to you starting to get healthier is just another manifestation of this problem. THIS is what you have to work on with him. Do the healthy living thing for you, but not much will change re his reaction to it until this is dealt with.
  • aliencheesecake
    aliencheesecake Posts: 570 Member
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    My boyfriend is always saying, though "jokingly" there's a hint of serious to it, "So now that you've lost weight how many of the boys are all over you?"


    WHich also begs the question, did HE think you weren't worthy of the "boys all over you" when you were heavier?
  • fannyfrost
    fannyfrost Posts: 756 Member
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    My husband believes married women lose weight and then get divorced. So maybe your husband thinks the same, you are changing yourself and then you will get skinny and improve and think he isn't good enough anymore. Reassure him that you are doing it to get healthy and feel better about you, but it won't change how you feel about him.

    Just because you make a change doesn't mean you will leave him behind!
  • amethyst70
    amethyst70 Posts: 68
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    UGH. People have hit on every possible aspect, and really it is probably a combination of all. Not to be rude, or insensitive but who cares? It is his problem to own, not yours. Believe me, when I say I am not being snarky at all about this. I too, came on the boards with same issues. My husband was sabotaging my workout schedule. (home gym) and people said the same to me. Discuss it with him. LOL. Well "him" doesn't care if he hurt my feelings. He also didn't care if he was cutting in to my schedule with his own that he decided to do AFTER I had a month down.

    You know what? My own kids sabotage my workout and diet plans. Innocent little creatures that they are. I am sure they do not sit around and think hmmm, how can we screw up Mom's plan today, BUT they do, on a consistent basis. I take them to the park so they can play while I walk circles around them, and all 3 of them, will follow me around, resort to all out fighting, punching and kicking each other, and trying to have the most insane conversations with me while I am trying to walk. If I go to the basement to workout, they do the same. If I am sitting right in front of them, they ignore me. LOL.

    For me, I am a Codie. My husband is passive-aggressive. My kids are attention seekers. And the very second I decide to do something for ME and ME only, they all freak the eff out. They can not stand it, if I am not focused on them 100% of the time. It was hard for me to let go of this. BUT, I have spend most of my life dedicated to my kids. Jumping at their every request. I have no one to blame but me. Now, I actually tell them to go play, get along, or sit in the car. I don't care. I AM WALKING RIGHT NOW.

    My husband, took my workouts and turned them into a competition which is not even remotely fair. He's fit. I am not. It took a month for me to accept that he is competitive by nature and he is not happy unless he is winning. So. Fine. Win. WTE. Just as long as I can accomplish my goals, who cares!

    He walked with me the other night at the track, and then said, come on I will jog a lap with you. Um. NO. I don't jog. Never have. Never will. He even said, come on. Its not a competition. LOL. I said, well, right, because you can't beat me at a game I don't play. We just laughed about it, and then I encouraged him to still jog the lap which he never did, as there wasn't any competition.

    It all boils down to change. Nobody likes change, and they really don't like it when you do it.

    Does he ever compliment you now? Has he in the last year complimented you? Chances are, he doesn't. Hard to say for sure, but my guess, is you have a job title as his wife. You take care of him. It doesn't matter if you are thinner, with a cute hair style, that is just little details in his big picture. I am not saying he doesn't care about you. I am saying that he cares more about keeping status quo.

    Unfortunately, you have a few options but they all boil down to you and you only. You have the choice on how to deal with his lack of compliments, or non support. You can ignore it. You can be hurt over it. You can try talking to him. I personally would ignore and carry on.

    Take a selfie. Measure yourself. Figure out your BMR, BMI, and a close body fat %. Keep track of it all. Numbers don't lie and they do wonders for your self esteem. If you ALLOW him to upset you, or cause a bump in the road, he will continue to do what works. If you don't let it bother you, and continue on, and treat him no different, in time he will see you are serious, and will eventually start paying the compliments.

    Actions speak louder than words.

    I am 4 months in to this, and have lost 17+ inches, and around 25lbs. I'm still a big girl, but my husband who will not give a compliment if his life depended on it, now has started giving me extra attention. He even left yesterday, walked out to vehicle, then came back in, gave me a hug and a kiss, and I just looked at him in bewilderment and he said he just wanted to say goodbye before he left to run errands. LOL.

    THAT is priceless to me. When they see you are serious, they too, will pull out their "A" game, and that is so much more important to me, than a compliment. :)
  • ravenmiss
    ravenmiss Posts: 384 Member
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    You just admitted that he's emotionally abusive.

    Your answer comes from that, walk away, the sooner the better.
  • thebrinkofdespair
    thebrinkofdespair Posts: 8
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    Hi everyone~ I'm new to the board. I decided to get healthier and lose weight due to several health problems. As of today I've lost 4 pounds and I feel GREAT! My jeans are fitting nicer and my spirits were lifted when my best friend noticed some change. I went out and celebrated today with a new cute hairstyle.

    But now my husband won't even talk to me or notice the positive change already...including my new haircut. He made 1 remark and said, "Why do you want to get so skinny that's not healthy?" I replied, "I'm NOT healthy now as I am, my cholesterol, blood pressure and weight is going up, I'm on the line of having another heart attack."

    I thought he would be a good support system, instead he's trying to bring me down. I AM NOT DOING THIS FOR HIM OR ANYONE ELSE I'M DOING IT FOR ME. That's what's important. Anyone else going through this situation??

    If you're anything like my partner - and it looks like you are from what you've written - you'd much rather pour your heart out to any stranger than to him and that's the problem!
    Talk to him. Tell HIM how you feel, not us.

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