Stepchild acts like she doesn't want me around

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  • sassyjae21
    sassyjae21 Posts: 1,217 Member
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    You won't like my advice, so consider this my apology.

    You're too young. Too young for marriage and probably too young for kids. It's too late to do anything about the second part, but not the first.

    You haven't been with your fiancee for even 2 years yet. To say you know you want to be with him forever is a stretch, you're already thinking about ending things because of hardships.

    You very much need to do one thing. Slow down.

    Wow. Just wow.

    Sorry but I was 18 when I had my son, I was 21 when I met my husband, a month after meeting we were married.... 18 years later we are still married. Before I even met him in person (we'd only talked on the phone) I KNEW this was the man I was spending forever with.

    How dare anyone say someone is to young to be a mother or to get married. How dare you. Do you KNOW this family? Yes they are FAMILY.... you do not need to be married to be family, and you don't need to be married to have a step-child.

    How dare you lot say that she is to young, or not ready or basically has no right? Like really how rude. So many rude people here.

    So glad it worked for you.

    It doesn't for most people.

    You're lucky. The VAST majority of people who get married one month after meeting each other do not end well. Congratulations to you, but you're an exception, not the rule.

    But most of your anger has nothing to do with me or the OP. You have other issues causing you to lash out. That much is obvious.

    Yep..
  • Mikkimeow
    Mikkimeow Posts: 1,282 Member
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    I am still a little shocked that she is surprised that the girl doesn't want her around when she was going to get married ON THE ANNIVERSARY OF THE MOTHER'S DEATH.
  • Muddy_Yogi
    Muddy_Yogi Posts: 1,459 Member
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    Weren't you going to get married on the day your stepdaughter's mom died?

    That might have something to do with it.

    I am sure the father would have said ok to the date as well... kinda hard to get married without the other half.

    Indeed. Shocking isn't it? They both lack basic emotional intelligence.

    It is a very sad situation if you ask me.
  • Holly_Roman_Empire
    Holly_Roman_Empire Posts: 4,440 Member
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    Weren't you going to get married on the day your stepdaughter's mom died?

    That might have something to do with it.

    I am sure the father would have said ok to the date as well... kinda hard to get married without the other half.

    He wasn't dating the mother anymore when she died. So yeah, he didn't see a problem with it, but I fail to see what that has to do with anything.
  • mayfrayy
    mayfrayy Posts: 198 Member
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    I'm gonna go out on my uneducated, inexperienced limb and say an 8yr (through to 18) girl is going to have some touchy emotions. best to play it slow, cool, and forgiving (with her and your relationship with the father)
  • devil_in_a_blue_dress
    devil_in_a_blue_dress Posts: 5,214 Member
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    Weren't you going to get married on the day your stepdaughter's mom died?

    That might have something to do with it.

    I am sure the father would have said ok to the date as well... kinda hard to get married without the other half.

    Yes and we're talking about a child who probably isn't taking that into consideration.

    People who are telling the OP to wait aren't saying your relationship is wrong - you don't need to be so defensive.
  • Mikkimeow
    Mikkimeow Posts: 1,282 Member
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    Weren't you going to get married on the day your stepdaughter's mom died?

    That might have something to do with it.

    I am sure the father would have said ok to the date as well... kinda hard to get married without the other half.

    He wasn't dating the mother anymore when she died. So yeah, he didn't see a problem with it, but I fail to see what that has to do with anything.

    They could have picked literally any other day other than the anniversary of the one where this girl's mom died. Crazy.
  • mortuseon
    mortuseon Posts: 579 Member
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    (1) I am glad you are stopping to consider the child before you marry the father. A lot of couples don't do this and then the children from previous relationships end up hating the new parent and they are stuck living with them for the next few years of their life and it kind of ruins their childhood. Knowing that when you get home there is going to be someone that you don't like there is a pain.

    (2) I'm not going to say that you're too young. If it were an average situation I might say that, but everybody is different and some people mature faster than others. Plenty of people have gotten married before the age of 25 and had marriages that survived. So, I don't blame the situation on your age.

    (3)The thing that will work best in a situation like this is having your fiancee talk to her and find out why she is behaving this way around you. He should be firm, but listen to what the child has to say. I suspect this may have something to do with the fact that her mother died and with the upcoming marriage she probably sees that you are stepping into that role and is rebelling. It happens all the time. If that is the case, she may very well need to speak with a professional about that.

    +1
  • Holly_Roman_Empire
    Holly_Roman_Empire Posts: 4,440 Member
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    I am still a little shocked that she is surprised that the girl doesn't want her around when she was going to get married ON THE ANNIVERSARY OF THE MOTHER'S DEATH.

    Well, they both asked her if she was okay with it, and she was. Of course, she's eight years old...

    I personally just think she's lashing out at the fact that a new person is in dad's life. She could get over it, but she might not. If OP is willing to split up at the first sign of trouble, it's probably best not to get married at all.
  • ChelseyDAdams
    ChelseyDAdams Posts: 37
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    You won't like my advice, so consider this my apology.

    You're too young. Too young for marriage and probably too young for kids. It's too late to do anything about the second part, but not the first.

    You haven't been with your fiancee for even 2 years yet. To say you know you want to be with him forever is a stretch, you're already thinking about ending things because of hardships.

    You very much need to do one thing. Slow down.

    So, I agree and disagree with this comment - but I think I agree with the sentiment.

    I think it comes down to maturity over age in many cases. I have known people to get married "too young" in my opinion and have made very happy marriages. In fact, most our grandparents were married in their teens and are celebrating 50 and 60 year anniversaries. Part of this is a change in our world and lifestyle and end goals. I know many men/women who have gotten married young and have great, strong families many years later. It is NOT for everyone though. I think we each have a different path - I got married at 26 and am celebrating my 5 year wedding anniversary on the 25th of this month, and couldn't be happier!!!

    I do think you come across as a bit immature to take on all you are taking on. When I talk of the people getting married successfully young, most didn't start off with so many complications - it started as just the two of them in most cases. To add two future step children into the mix takes a higher level of maturity that your original post doesn't quite show. Unfortunately, the ones that would be the most hurt if you marry and fail, are those children. It's like giving them a foundation again, only to rip it back out.

    Someone mentioned doing things one on one with her, and I think that is a great idea. Also, some counseling for her would be a very important step. And, involve the children in the decision making process - this effects them EVERY bit as much as it does you and your fiance.

    And remember, she isn't your stepdaughter yet, and until it is official, I wouldn't call it that out of courtesy for her and for the proper timing of everything. You aren't her stepmom yet, you're just dad's "girlfriend" still in her eyes. Be considerate of that too.

    Good luck in whatever path you choose.
  • Holly_Roman_Empire
    Holly_Roman_Empire Posts: 4,440 Member
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    Weren't you going to get married on the day your stepdaughter's mom died?

    That might have something to do with it.

    I am sure the father would have said ok to the date as well... kinda hard to get married without the other half.

    He wasn't dating the mother anymore when she died. So yeah, he didn't see a problem with it, but I fail to see what that has to do with anything.

    They could have picked literally any other day other than the anniversary of the one where this girl's mom died. Crazy.

    Oh I completely agree. I was just refreshing what was said in the previous thread.
  • Lauren8239
    Lauren8239 Posts: 1,039 Member
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    Is the OP coming back to add any more info?
  • PRMinx
    PRMinx Posts: 4,585 Member
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    I am still a little shocked that she is surprised that the girl doesn't want her around when she was going to get married ON THE ANNIVERSARY OF THE MOTHER'S DEATH.

    Well, they both asked her if she was okay with it, and she was. Of course, she's eight years old...

    I personally just think she's lashing out at the fact that a new person is in dad's life. She could get over it, but she might not. If OP is willing to split up at the first sign of trouble, it's probably best not to get married at all.

    But that's the OPs interpretation of the daughter saying it's ok. We don't actually know if it was ok. An 8 year old can be swayed pretty easily, or may just give in because that's the path of least resistance. And, quite honestly, she shouldn't have been put in a position where she had to answer that question to begin with. Adults should know better. They should have been sensitive to the situation and just planned another day. It's ridiculous to put that on an 8 year old child.
  • k_nicole87
    k_nicole87 Posts: 407 Member
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    That is a lot to put on two kids so fast. You guys haven't been together that long and this is a big uproar to change the lives of both kids so drastically so soon. She's been through a lot. You guys need to slow down. Don't rush her. You are the intruder on her life. You need to work through this on her timeline, not yours. Learn patience with it. She also probably needs some counseling with everything she is going through.
  • Mikkimeow
    Mikkimeow Posts: 1,282 Member
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    I am still a little shocked that she is surprised that the girl doesn't want her around when she was going to get married ON THE ANNIVERSARY OF THE MOTHER'S DEATH.

    Well, they both asked her if she was okay with it, and she was. Of course, she's eight years old...

    I personally just think she's lashing out at the fact that a new person is in dad's life. She could get over it, but she might not. If OP is willing to split up at the first sign of trouble, it's probably best not to get married at all.

    I agree. This all sounds really shady, and not like solid ground for a marriage, especially with an impressionable child in the mix. OP still has growing up to do before she decides to get married. This is my opinion, not saying it is correct, just stating how I feel. If you are second guessing staying with him because of her inability to cope in a healthy manner, then there isn't much we can do to help.

    OP, you are so young. Do not do this to yourself, or that girl. Maybe wait a few more years before getting married. Take the time to build that bond with her, show her you are there for the right reasons. If you can't maybe it is best to step out of the picture.
  • suziepoo1984
    suziepoo1984 Posts: 915 Member
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    1. Agree with being too young to handle all this, but then its your call. Every person has a different level of maturity. I myself can now laugh at the early 20's myself for being so childish and immature.
    2. Do not compare a 3 year old's behavior with a 8 year old. He is too young to understand anything and she is at a age where she understands everything, but does not know what to do with it.
    3. The issues could be inter related to your earlier thread about the child's grand-mom and aunt being unhappy with your decision about the marriage date. Could have a lot to do with the child's behavior too(if her grandma and aunt are not happy with you).
    4. You should be discussing all these issues with the child and the father, not us. We can hardly be helpful without knowing the people involved personally.

    Good luck!
  • k_nicole87
    k_nicole87 Posts: 407 Member
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    You won't like my advice, so consider this my apology.

    You're too young. Too young for marriage and probably too young for kids. It's too late to do anything about the second part, but not the first.

    You haven't been with your fiancee for even 2 years yet. To say you know you want to be with him forever is a stretch, you're already thinking about ending things because of hardships.

    You very much need to do one thing. Slow down.

    Wow. Just wow.

    Sorry but I was 18 when I had my son, I was 21 when I met my husband, a month after meeting we were married.... 18 years later we are still married. Before I even met him in person (we'd only talked on the phone) I KNEW this was the man I was spending forever with.

    How dare anyone say someone is to young to be a mother or to get married. How dare you. Do you KNOW this family? Yes they are FAMILY.... you do not need to be married to be family, and you don't need to be married to have a step-child.

    How dare you lot say that she is to young, or not ready or basically has no right? Like really how rude. So many rude people here.

    So glad it worked for you.

    It doesn't for most people.

    You're lucky. The VAST majority of people who get married one month after meeting each other do not end well. Congratulations to you, but you're an exception, not the rule.

    But most of your anger has nothing to do with me or the OP. You have other issues causing you to lash out. That much is obvious.

    I agree with this. I was 18 when I got married. I did not have my daughter until I was 22. We are still very happily married but I was WAY too young to be getting married. I just got lucky.
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
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    Her life has changed in a huge way and she's probably not feeling that that's being recognized. She has a mother figure, a little brother, and her dad has a new woman in his life. It's hard to meld families, especially when she's lost her mom. Give it time, she's probably jealous, confused, grieving and overwhelmed by the changes. 8 years is a long time to be solo with her dad. I personally would never recommend ending a relationship so that the child has fewer reasons to misbehave - at some point she's going to move out and go to school and her dad can't put his whole life on hold until then. Just give her time.

    This
  • Keepcalmanddontblink
    Keepcalmanddontblink Posts: 718 Member
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    My stepdaughter is a different kettle of fish. Her routine hasn't changed, and she gets more time with her dad now than she done before. She also doesn't get popped from one relative to another and then on to a babysitter while her dad works: so everything has became more settled for her, and she actually gets to go places like swimming, brownies, have friends in after school etc.
    Not sure how you can say her routine hasn't changed at all. She now has to live with a woman and her son and share her dad with them. You said that she has more time with him than before, but unless she wasn't living with him until you two got together, than that isn't true either. She has had to make a LOT of adjustments in her short little life and a few extra outings with dad, do not equate to" more time with him." On top of that, she has to compete with another child for her dad and maybe she is worried he will like him better?

    Having new people in your home is a huge adjustment for all of you, not just something you and your son needed to adjust to.

    May I ask if you try to spend time with her? Like a girls day out just the two of you? Do you take an interest in her daily activities and really want to spend time with her? She may feel like someone you got stuck with and someone you have to deal with. Can you take time out and talk to her? I mean really get her to pour out what she is feeling and than reassure her that she doesn't need to worry. It takes a LOT of time to adjust to a situation like this.

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