Stepchild acts like she doesn't want me around
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Weren't you going to get married on the day your stepdaughter's mom died?
That might have something to do with it.
YES! I knew I remember seeing something from her before! Yeah....that poor child .... she is a good judge of character. Just sayin.
What, what? Does someone have the link to this? Wow, if this is true, I feel for that poor little girl.
Why in the hell would the dad agree to such a horrible thing! Shame on you for even suggesting a wedding date the day of her mother's death. I'd hate you too.0 -
I have dealt with a lot of blended families in my lifetime, but perhaps the most successful blended family was that of my grandmother. Her one saying is something you should take to heart. "In this house, there are no stepchildren. The only steps are those that take you from one floor to another. All children are just that, children."
I have read your post several times and have read every comment. There is a lot of good advice written here. What I am gathering is that this marriage cannot come soon enough because you do not have enough control over this child to get her to act the way you want her to act. Don't assume that with marriage comes the right to discipline another person's child. For good reason, that territory should be tread cautiously. Both real life and fairy tales are fraught with over-zealous partners who wield control over children. Most often times, it does not end well. The situation turns abusive or the partner is convinced, by the other person, that sending the child off to boarding school is the answer.
What a totally callous act it would be to marry on the anniversary of the death of this little girl's mother. Not only are you disrespecting the memory of this little girl's mother, but you are also driving a wedge between her father and her mother's family. Then, again, that may be your desire. I am certain that you believe that they are filling this little girl's head with god only knows what and it is the reason she acts the way she does toward you.
Respect has to be earned and earning the respect of a child takes a lot of time, sincerity and patience. It is not granted through marriage, nor by suddenly coming to live in the house. The only way to begin earning a child's respect is by giving them respect. It's like anything else, children learn by example.
If the OP reads nothing else, I hope it's this.0 -
Sometimes not trying to be the parent is best. My folks were split when I was 2. I never knew them together. However, my Mom had a live in boyfriend for 21 years. I was in my teens, so lets say I was at my worst. I didn't really care for him but he never tried to be my "Dad". He would let my Mom and I fight it out and let her discipline me. He kind of just stepped aside and didn't get involved. And you know what, to this very day I respect him for that! I never wanted a "Dad" replacement and he never tried to be my Dad. For me, that worked perfectly.0
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What a totally callous act it would be to marry on the anniversary of the death of this little girl's mother. Not only are you disrespecting the memory of this little girl's mother, but you are also driving a wedge between her father and her mother's family. Then, again, that may be your desire. I am certain that you believe that they are filling this little girl's head with god only knows what and it is the reason she acts the way she does toward you.
Just for the record everyone, the wedding is not the day of the mother's death. It's the day before. Not much difference, but there is some. The OP's justification is that it is the only day her venue is available.
ETA: The wedding date is two years from now.0 -
I'm going to be a little old fashioned here and not everyone's favorite advice-giver.
I however agree with one thing - pick another day to get married.
As for everything else, YOU ARE GOING TO BE MOM. I got married 2.5 years ago, and my step-daughter (though we don't use steps in our household because to me, steps are unwanted) was 9 at the time. Fast forward to now she's going to be 12 in September. Her (biological) mom died at the end of last month, and I've dealt with every kind of attitude there is to come (not associated with her mothers death, I'm talking in general though she's a bit more emotional than usual and you couldn't expect her not to be since she doesn't have her real mom here with her anymore). My advice is if she's direct and dad is on board. Beat her tail. You are her dad's wife, her step-mother. I wouldn't tolerate my sons mouthing off to my husband...and he won't tolerate her mouthing off to me. Set ground rules. You let her do that she'll run the house. We understand being emotional since she has her rag now but we don't tolerate mouthing off, an attitude, or a potty mouth. We believe in respecting all adults and it starts at home.
Your rules may not be the likes of mine, but set house rules, be consistent, and you SHOULD have a happy family. I do think she may benefit from therapy though...but I wouldn't force it.
An 8 year old. Who's already in shock, your advice is to physically abuse her? Just wow....
Right?!? WTF0 -
What a totally callous act it would be to marry on the anniversary of the death of this little girl's mother. Not only are you disrespecting the memory of this little girl's mother, but you are also driving a wedge between her father and her mother's family. Then, again, that may be your desire. I am certain that you believe that they are filling this little girl's head with god only knows what and it is the reason she acts the way she does toward you.
Just for the record everyone, the wedding is not the day of the mother's death. It's the day before. Not much difference, but there is some. The OP's justification is that it is the only day her venue is available.
SCREW THAT! If she wants the venue THAT BAD.. then WAIT until it is available again the next year... WHAT IS THE RUSH? 16 months of dating? If you love each other and they plan to be together forever than wait until a later date, in respect for the step daughter! She will be mourning her mother's death every year on that day for the rest of her life while the step mom and father are screwing each other and celebrating for their anniversary! This makes me completely SICK! YES PLEASE SPLIT UP WITH HIM FOR THIS LITTLE GIRLS SAKE!!!!0 -
Speaking from personal experience (Never knew my real father, my mom remarried when I was 8). I NEVER accepted my step dad as a father figure. Even now, at 31 I still don't see him as a dad, although I do have more respect for him as a person than I did as a child. His daughter will probably be the same, and this behavior and moodiness will only intensify as she goes through her identity crisis as a teenager. This sort of relationship is exactly how you create lifelong mental health issues for your children.
While you certainly can't change the fact that you both have kids, your children need to come first. If they don't (which by putting your relationship with your fiance before their emotional consideration you are doing) you will be creating a foundation of low self esteem for both children. You should reconsider your plans for engagement and living at the pace that your children feel comfortable with.0 -
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I'm going to be a little old fashioned here and not everyone's favorite advice-giver.
I however agree with one thing - pick another day to get married.
As for everything else, YOU ARE GOING TO BE MOM. I got married 2.5 years ago, and my step-daughter (though we don't use steps in our household because to me, steps are unwanted) was 9 at the time. Fast forward to now she's going to be 12 in September. Her (biological) mom died at the end of last month, and I've dealt with every kind of attitude there is to come (not associated with her mothers death, I'm talking in general though she's a bit more emotional than usual and you couldn't expect her not to be since she doesn't have her real mom here with her anymore). My advice is if she's direct and dad is on board. Beat her tail. You are her dad's wife, her step-mother. I wouldn't tolerate my sons mouthing off to my husband...and he won't tolerate her mouthing off to me. Set ground rules. You let her do that she'll run the house. We understand being emotional since she has her rag now but we don't tolerate mouthing off, an attitude, or a potty mouth. We believe in respecting all adults and it starts at home.
Your rules may not be the likes of mine, but set house rules, be consistent, and you SHOULD have a happy family. I do think she may benefit from therapy though...but I wouldn't force it.
"My advice is if she's direct and dad is on board. Beat her tail."
No disrespect to the person who posted this but this is not the answer (in my opinion). You are not her mother. You are her dad's girlfriend. I agree that rude behavior should not be tolerated but it is not your place to physically discipline his child. She is at an age where she can be disciplined without being spanked but if that's a method her father chooses, that's his role. In response to the idea that a child needs to be spanked to be disciplined that is not correct. I have a well behaved child who is not spanked. I'm not bashing spanking just pointing out you can raise good kids without it if you choose.
It sounds, as other's have suggested, that your family needs counseling. A professional can help see what the real issues are. If it is true that you are getting married on the anniversary of her mother’s death that was incredibly disrespectful of you and her father and is sending a message that you don’t respect her feelings or her mother. Although you have a relationship with her father you have to earn one with her on her timeline not yours. She is a young child and you’ve come in and changed her whole way of life. Children cannot always think or explain themselves rationally at this age so when she acts out it is important to try to understand where she is coming from. She may be feeling left out, unimportant, or unwanted. She may also feel no one is honoring the memory of her mother.0 -
Here's my opinion on marriage. And I'll tell you right now, I've never been married. So take it for what you will.
It's supposed to be for life, right? You're going to be with this one person for the rest of your life.
So why rush a wedding? Are you worried things will fall apart if you don't? Well then you definitely shouldn't be getting married.
If there are problems or reasons to hesitate or postpone, WAIT! Marriage is the last thing anyone should rush into. Do it because you can't imagine not spending the rest of your life with that person. Because you know in your heart this is the person you're going to love for the rest of your days. Nothing in life is 100% certain, but if there are this many problems before the wedding, what chance does the marriage have?
Like I said, I've never been married. Maybe that's because I take it pretty seriously.
I got married at 18 and am celebrating my 25th wedding anniversary this month and I totally agree with this.
Slow things down, give everyone a chance to adjust. If you plan to be together forever, he's not going anywhere, rings on fingers or not.
I really do wish you and your family well, OP. :flowerforyou:
I have 2 step parents and it took YEARS for us all to get along. Be prepared for the long haul on this.
edit: I see the wedding is two years from now. Great idea, OP.0 -
I'm going to be a little old fashioned here and not everyone's favorite advice-giver.
I however agree with one thing - pick another day to get married.
As for everything else, YOU ARE GOING TO BE MOM. I got married 2.5 years ago, and my step-daughter (though we don't use steps in our household because to me, steps are unwanted) was 9 at the time. Fast forward to now she's going to be 12 in September. Her (biological) mom died at the end of last month, and I've dealt with every kind of attitude there is to come (not associated with her mothers death, I'm talking in general though she's a bit more emotional than usual and you couldn't expect her not to be since she doesn't have her real mom here with her anymore). My advice is if she's direct and dad is on board. Beat her tail. You are her dad's wife, her step-mother. I wouldn't tolerate my sons mouthing off to my husband...and he won't tolerate her mouthing off to me. Set ground rules. You let her do that she'll run the house. We understand being emotional since she has her rag now but we don't tolerate mouthing off, an attitude, or a potty mouth. We believe in respecting all adults and it starts at home.
Your rules may not be the likes of mine, but set house rules, be consistent, and you SHOULD have a happy family. I do think she may benefit from therapy though...but I wouldn't force it.
An 8 year old. Who's already in shock, your advice is to physically abuse her? Just wow....
Right?!? WTF
Not abuse. Punching slapping kicking is abuse. Spanking is not.
A child who mouths off is disrespectful to elders warrants getting disciplined. You don't let it slide, no matter how "hurt" the child is. Parents who never tell their kids "no", let them do what they want, and run the household are the problem, not the child...BUT WAIT. What happens when that child grows up? All those undisciplined times thinking every little personal hardship is someones fault, thinking the world owes them something. I believe in showing sympathy...but the child has to learn to adapt to the new situation. That's the way life goes. It doesn't mean you shouldn't get the help your child needs, but if the behavior is habitual and the kid is just making OP's life a living hell because she can...that's wrong and punishment needs to come into place. Behavior needs corrected.
So you're condoning this child to let her do whatever she wants, when she wants? That's being part of your childs attitude problem, not a parent.
You act like if you don't spank your children, they receive no discipline. You are putting you hands on a child that just lost her mother and going through puberty (ie probably too old to be "spanked" even if you believe in spanking). That is remarkably questionable behavior and you are rightly getting called out.0 -
I have dealt with a lot of blended families in my lifetime, but perhaps the most successful blended family was that of my grandmother. Her one saying is something you should take to heart. "In this house, there are no stepchildren. The only steps are those that take you from one floor to another. All children are just that, children."
I have read your post several times and have read every comment. There is a lot of good advice written here. What I am gathering is that this marriage cannot come soon enough because you do not have enough control over this child to get her to act the way you want her to act. Don't assume that with marriage comes the right to discipline another person's child. For good reason, that territory should be tread cautiously. Both real life and fairy tales are fraught with over-zealous partners who wield control over children. Most often times, it does not end well. The situation turns abusive or the partner is convinced, by the other person, that sending the child off to boarding school is the answer.
What a totally callous act it would be to marry on the anniversary of the death of this little girl's mother. Not only are you disrespecting the memory of this little girl's mother, but you are also driving a wedge between her father and her mother's family. Then, again, that may be your desire. I am certain that you believe that they are filling this little girl's head with god only knows what and it is the reason she acts the way she does toward you.
Respect has to be earned and earning the respect of a child takes a lot of time, sincerity and patience. It is not granted through marriage, nor by suddenly coming to live in the house. The only way to begin earning a child's respect is by giving them respect. It's like anything else, children learn by example.
If the OP reads nothing else, I hope it's this.
I'm going to go ahead and quote this in hope the OP sees it numerous times.0 -
My husband and I started dating when we were 17, engaged at 20, married at 22. We're now 24, so I can't say it's some happy ending - I'm not naive enough to think things couldn't possibly go wrong. We have no children because we didn't want children (yet) and, I'm sorry, but preventing pregnancy is very easy. My point is this - it's not about how old the OP is, it's about her maturity level. That's the problem here...0
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There's a book I had to read for work called Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. I highly recommend it. I feel like it can make a big difference in your communication with your stepdaughter. It helped me a lot in my life. I don't agree with absolutely everything in the book, but it can help you to be able to express your feelings and desires and get others to open up and do the same.0
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I'm going to be a little old fashioned here and not everyone's favorite advice-giver.
I however agree with one thing - pick another day to get married.
As for everything else, YOU ARE GOING TO BE MOM. I got married 2.5 years ago, and my step-daughter (though we don't use steps in our household because to me, steps are unwanted) was 9 at the time. Fast forward to now she's going to be 12 in September. Her (biological) mom died at the end of last month, and I've dealt with every kind of attitude there is to come (not associated with her mothers death, I'm talking in general though she's a bit more emotional than usual and you couldn't expect her not to be since she doesn't have her real mom here with her anymore). My advice is if she's direct and dad is on board. Beat her tail. You are her dad's wife, her step-mother. I wouldn't tolerate my sons mouthing off to my husband...and he won't tolerate her mouthing off to me. Set ground rules. You let her do that she'll run the house. We understand being emotional since she has her rag now but we don't tolerate mouthing off, an attitude, or a potty mouth. We believe in respecting all adults and it starts at home.
Your rules may not be the likes of mine, but set house rules, be consistent, and you SHOULD have a happy family. I do think she may benefit from therapy though...but I wouldn't force it.
OMG!!! you could not BE more wrong!! she is TWELVE and she just lost her MOTHER. everything that she is feeling and doing and saying right now is directly related to that. she is GRIEVING HER MOM. back off!
how do i know? b/c my dad died when i was 13. and "buckling down on that nonsense" and "you're just acting out" meant that i wasn't allowed to feel. and do you know how a teenager avoids feeling? b/c i do. by 15 i was pretty strung out on whatever drugs i could get my hands on.
give the girl room to grieve. are the rules going to change for a bit? yes. and they should. the same as they would for you if your mom died and YOU are a grown up. not a kid who needs your parent right now.
take her to a therapist to work through this and back off.0 -
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Um excuse me? WHAT? She is grieving her mom but she's called me her mother since day 1...hadnt seen her in over a year b/c guess what? Her mom was running from the law and her life choices caught up with her causing her to be dead at the age of 36. Her mother was the one who abandoned her...not the other way around. Sad no matter how close she was with her mother, but my daughter's situation is something you have absolutely NO CLUE ABOUT.
A dead parent is no excuse for a child to lash out and do what they want. Sorry. I stand firm on that.I'm going to be a little old fashioned here and not everyone's favorite advice-giver.
I however agree with one thing - pick another day to get married.
As for everything else, YOU ARE GOING TO BE MOM. I got married 2.5 years ago, and my step-daughter (though we don't use steps in our household because to me, steps are unwanted) was 9 at the time. Fast forward to now she's going to be 12 in September. Her (biological) mom died at the end of last month, and I've dealt with every kind of attitude there is to come (not associated with her mothers death, I'm talking in general though she's a bit more emotional than usual and you couldn't expect her not to be since she doesn't have her real mom here with her anymore). My advice is if she's direct and dad is on board. Beat her tail. You are her dad's wife, her step-mother. I wouldn't tolerate my sons mouthing off to my husband...and he won't tolerate her mouthing off to me. Set ground rules. You let her do that she'll run the house. We understand being emotional since she has her rag now but we don't tolerate mouthing off, an attitude, or a potty mouth. We believe in respecting all adults and it starts at home.
Your rules may not be the likes of mine, but set house rules, be consistent, and you SHOULD have a happy family. I do think she may benefit from therapy though...but I wouldn't force it.
OMG!!! you could not BE more wrong!! she is TWELVE and she just lost her MOTHER. everything that she is feeling and doing and saying right now is directly related to that. she is GRIEVING HER MOM. back off!
how do i know? b/c my dad died when i was 13. and "buckling down on that nonsense" and "you're just acting out" meant that i wasn't allowed to feel. and do you know how a teenager avoids feeling? b/c i do. by 15 i was pretty strung out on whatever drugs i could get my hands on.
give the girl room to grieve. are the rules going to change for a bit? yes. and they should. the same as they would for you if your mom died and YOU are a grown up. not a kid who needs your parent right now.
take her to a therapist to work through this and back off.
what she called you before has no bearing on now.
plz get that kid into therapy.0 -
I'm going to be a little old fashioned here and not everyone's favorite advice-giver.
I however agree with one thing - pick another day to get married.
As for everything else, YOU ARE GOING TO BE MOM. I got married 2.5 years ago, and my step-daughter (though we don't use steps in our household because to me, steps are unwanted) was 9 at the time. Fast forward to now she's going to be 12 in September. Her (biological) mom died at the end of last month, and I've dealt with every kind of attitude there is to come (not associated with her mothers death, I'm talking in general though she's a bit more emotional than usual and you couldn't expect her not to be since she doesn't have her real mom here with her anymore). My advice is if she's direct and dad is on board. Beat her tail. You are her dad's wife, her step-mother. I wouldn't tolerate my sons mouthing off to my husband...and he won't tolerate her mouthing off to me. Set ground rules. You let her do that she'll run the house. We understand being emotional since she has her rag now but we don't tolerate mouthing off, an attitude, or a potty mouth. We believe in respecting all adults and it starts at home.
Your rules may not be the likes of mine, but set house rules, be consistent, and you SHOULD have a happy family. I do think she may benefit from therapy though...but I wouldn't force it.
An 8 year old. Who's already in shock, your advice is to physically abuse her? Just wow....
Right?!? WTF
Not abuse. Punching slapping kicking is abuse. Spanking is not.
A child who mouths off is disrespectful to elders warrants getting disciplined. You don't let it slide, no matter how "hurt" the child is. Parents who never tell their kids "no", let them do what they want, and run the household are the problem, not the child...BUT WAIT. What happens when that child grows up? All those undisciplined times thinking every little personal hardship is someones fault, thinking the world owes them something. I believe in showing sympathy...but the child has to learn to adapt to the new situation. That's the way life goes. It doesn't mean you shouldn't get the help your child needs, but if the behavior is habitual and the kid is just making OP's life a living hell because she can...that's wrong and punishment needs to come into place. Behavior needs corrected.
So you're condoning this child to let her do whatever she wants, when she wants? That's being part of your childs attitude problem, not a parent.
You act like if you don't spank your children, they receive no discipline. You are putting you hands on a child that just lost her mother and going through puberty (ie probably too old to be "spanked" even if you believe in spanking). That is remarkably questionable behavior and you are rightly getting called out.
And where did I say that? Go back and read. I said it as a suggestion. I didn't say she NEEDED to but she needs to consider it. I have a stubborn child, the only time she considered listening to me is when her or her father spanks her. I got spanked with a paddle up until the age of 17 because I couldn't listen. Worked fine for me...I'm not going around crying tears of unhappiness screaming abuse. We use spanking as an absolute last result, and 100% of the time it's the only thing that gets through to her.
As for my step-daughter her mother died on MAY 27th OF THIS YEAR. She's not giving us attitude because her world is turned upside down, she's sad and grieving but she also knows she has her dad and I -- and we are here for her no matter what. Instead she's loving on us because we've been there for her. Yes this child was younger, but children are adaptable and regardless of age she should be grateful she has a mother (the OP) who wants to be close and wants to love her.
The bolded portion is one the most callous, cold hearted things I have seen a person write.
PS please respond after what your are quoting.0 -
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