My Name is Julie, and I'm an Alcoholic

The fact is, you've chosen to play the victim. People who use terms that empower failure like "anxiety disorder" and "depression" don't know that they are simply bolstering their weaknesses to control them by giving them a name.

This is ignorant. I have a severe mental illness, and I assure you it doesn't belong in quotes. People who suffer from mental illnesses are not weak. People who suffer from mental illnesses often need medical intervention. People use substances to self-medicate to try and stop the agony. The mentally ill don't need lectures about victimhood or bootstrapping. Yes, it takes will power to get on the recovered road, but if there's a mental illness that needs to be addressed, getting sober is only part of the process.

My name is Kris. I am not an alcoholic, but I do have addictions. Serious ones. And I belong to a 12 step program to help with that. My addiction is not the same as yours but I do understand the itch under your skin, crawl to get the fix, I need it NOW or I won't be able to function feeling. I remember seeing a bumpter sticker once that said, "Don't judge me because I sin differently than you." My "sin" is different than yours but I understand the craving.

It is possible. Really it is. It is possible to get sober and clean and healthy. Yep, it is. Will you be perfect? Heck no, so get that out of your mind. Will you even be semi-perfect? Nope. If your journey is anything like mine, you will slip and slide into progress.

A word of advice from someone who knows--get a sponsor right away. Find someone who will call you on your BS.

This is your journey. You can do it. I know you can, because I did. And I'm the biggest idiot on the planet.

The fact is, you've chosen to play the victim. People who use terms that empower failure like "anxiety disorder" and "depression" don't know that they are simply bolstering their weaknesses to control them by giving them a name. You are the way you are. You have weaknesses, but you beat those by putting forth the mental energy to compensate, not empower them to envelop you by justifying them as if they were a permanent part of you. You can beat them when you decide you need to, when you get sick and tired enough of losing. You can, and maybe you will, but you will have to completely overhaul your thinking for that to happen.

This actually made me feel like truly taking the selfish, childish, attention seeking path of wrist slicing in the bath tub. You sir, are an *kitten* hole. Don't go into social services. Become a drill sargeant who admires birds that freeze to death without ever complaining of the colfd.

In response to those folks that have positive comments and thoughtful supportive advice, thank you.

In response to those that suggested that I take a step back from my clients while going through this, you are correct in this sentiment and I have done with professional advice and understanding at work.

To the woman that suggested social workers become social workers to "solve their own problems," you're just ****ing nuts. People generally become social agents of some kind because they have had pain in their life or mental illness in their past or current (and are managing it) which ay many times in my past I have also. Things got bad for when I let alcohol take over to "band aid" my loss of therapy. And also, GENIUS, therapists at many agencies REQUIRE to attend weekly sessions because it's a HARD JOB.

And it ain't about the money.

In response to those folks that have positive comments and thoughtful supportive advice, thank you.

In response to those that suggested that I take a step back from my clients while going through this, you are correct in this sentiment and I have done with professional advice and understanding at work.

To the woman that suggested social workers become social workers to "solve their own problems," you're just ****ing nuts. People generally become social agents of some kind because they have had pain in their life or mental illness in their past or current (and are managing it) which ay many times in my past I have also. Things got bad for when I let alcohol take over to "band aid" my loss of therapy. And also, GENIUS, therapists at many agencies REQUIRE to attend weekly sessions because it's a HARD JOB.

And it ain't about the money.

I know it is a hard job and I know it isn't about the money. Many of us have been hurt in the past and seen others be hurt. That is where I am coming from in what I said. It comes from my own hurt. This topic brings it up, a lot of it. Not because I'm nuts (yet another example of why you should be stepping away from this field at this time).

I'm really sorry that you are suffering as you are. I'm glad you have professional support to step away from your job at this time. I'm sorry that I hurt you with what I said. I should have held my tongue on that.

Also, I do know people that turned their lives around and were able to go back into the field and be excellent at it. I hope you will be able to do that. It is hard work. And from this post, I can see you are burned out from it.

My original advice was that I think you should go into inpatient rehab (tell them that you are suicidal). Find a therapist in training (one that has not been burned out) that works with an agency on a sliding scale based on income need. Considering that you work in the field, you should know how to find the resources that you need, otherwise how are you helping others to find the resources they need.

My "emotional drain" and burden on my depression management is not because I'm "burned out". My dad is dying of cancer. Wtf? I love my work. I love seeing my clients and a great deal about my career. After what transpires with my father, no, i will not be taking your unfounded recommendation that I "step away from this kind of work."

I've never said this to anyone.

It's the reason I cannot succeed at dieting. I have these small bottles I hide in my purse that I know are 625 calories, (half pints) and when it gets bad, they're twice that size. Dexter nearly fell in love with his sponsor in his journey when she talked about her "dark passenger," I still I cry when I think of it. It's so true. it's an "other" thing. A clawing thing that wants to go through life with me that I don't know how to get rid of.

Funny thing? I'm a social worker. I was a hardcore drug addict. If it dissolved in a needle it went in my body. I found the boundary of life and death so many times, and I found that it was .... like some thought was pushing you back. LIke ... this can't be the end. I'm laying on the floor of a house in backwoods Tennessee with nothing but a man that doesn't give a **** about me and can't feel my limbs, can't speak, can't move. Can feel nothing but my spirit. It was some dark, empty thing that didn't wan to go yet, for some reason.I went to school to be a social worker because i *know* what rock bottom is.

I think I'm getting close that again.

I've had generalized anxiety disorder and major depression all my life. I remember symptoms when I was six. I got hives from stress. They accused my parents of abusing me, which they never did. Depression is so much a part of my life I have no other idea of how to live. I have medications that moderate it now (Viibryrd) but I seem to be a rare case.

I am a prey animal. I was taught by an anxious abused woman to fear people. I do. I fear traffic, I fear relationships, I fear co-workers,....some days I feel more at home with my clients.

I can't do this anymore. I have to stop drinking. My boyfriend has been very supportive, and but is fed up with my lying, amd there's a time stamp on it with making an effort now. I have to go to AA. I am so ****ing scared. I'm scared I'll fail and I'll cause others to relapse because I'm a failure.

I've been to therapy. The only thing that ever helped me was a DBT class that I got kicked out of because my county would pay for my psychiatric meds, but not the help I really need.

Please, please, if there are any people here that are going through this, you are not alone. Please friend me.

You already know how to help yourself. But here you are, making a post for attention and garnering sympathy which you believe is the support needed to change. It won't work. You will fail like before. Nothing will change unless you change it. Things will always be as they have been because you aren't yet ready to make the changes to take you in a new direction. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and stop being immature. That is what you are doing. These "meetings" become addicting and pretty soon, you start to feed on how everyone reacts to you and their "needing" your returned support. It's a vicious cycle of selfishness.

Having known close family members who have been and are drug addicts/alcoholics, the root problem here is a lack of self-worth--that and a selfish imbalance stemming from a serious lack of psychological development. For whatever reason, you never learned that life isn't about you, that it's not about being praised or condemned. It just...is. You fit into it; it doesn't fit into you; you MAKE it; it doesn't make you. You can either conform and start playing by the same give-and-take rules as the rest of productive society, or you can wallow with "treatment programs" and other forms of "me, me, me" like you've been doing.

The fact is, you've chosen to play the victim. People who use terms that empower failure like "anxiety disorder" and "depression" don't know that they are simply bolstering their weaknesses to control them by giving them a name. You are the way you are. You have weaknesses, but you beat those by putting forth the mental energy to compensate, not empower them to envelop you by justifying them as if they were a permanent part of you. You can beat them when you decide you need to, when you get sick and tired enough of losing. You can, and maybe you will, but you will have to completely overhaul your thinking for that to happen.

You will always be an addict, yes, but you can decide it is time to stop the cycle and move on. You can learn to kick the *kitten* of your problems and decide to live life as an alpha when you realize just how silly you are being from throwing up the "woe is me!' sentiments. Step back and look at how everything in your life is a wreck. Why is that? Why is it that weight loss, psychological instability, AND drug-use are all washing up on your shores? It's because, for one reason or another, you never learned to function, to reason, to sacrifice, or to process feelings as you needed to. It doesn't really matter why you are the way you are (a lot of us share or have shared the same struggles). What matters is that you aren't done learning yet, which is why it is time to affect those much-needed changes.

In your mind, you are at the center of your own universe, but instead, you should view yourself like a heart or a lung, or perhaps just a blood cell--a small part of a greater whole that can be made to function better when you do your part (instead of justifying why you fail and refuse to move forward).

Skinner said that depression is just the inability to construct a future. That means, we should always be planning and moving forward, if only in some small way. Never revel in failures because when you get back up and keep moving forward perpetually, the odds of your finally winning become so stacked in your favor that you basically can't lose.

I know this has sounded harsh, but I hope you will consider these words.

This actually made me feel like truly taking the selfish, childish, attention seeking path of wrist slicing in the bath tub. You sir, are an *kitten* hole. Don't go into social services. Become a drill sargeant who admires birds that freeze to death without ever complaining of the colfd.