Failing Marriage
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The mental and verbal abuse has been going on for years. I in fact remember the very first time he called me a fat *kitten*, i kicked him right in his nuts as he was pushing me backwards on our bed. Yep turned those nuggets black and blue. you would think that would make him NEVER say that again. Instead it was like giving him more fuel for the fire and he knew it was a sensitive subject for me. The next day we went to Cedar Point and he had to walk and stand in lines and ride rides in pain all day. He just doesn't learn. I am not saying I am the perfect wife either. But I try and I have NEVER made fun of his physical flaws as I know how bad that feels. I'm learning through therapy that I am what is called Codependent. I am too caring of others and how they feel and think and not enough about how I feel or think. I am a people pleaser and try to be perfect and when things don't go right I tend to get angry and resentful.
He pushes, she kicks his nuts until black and blue, he pulls a ponytail, she makes out with some other guy in front of husband's friend...
Yeah... way too much to the story and the last 20 years for anyone to give valuable advice. Figure it out on your own, or with your counselor.
This^
Also, marriage is what you make of it.....yours would make a great Jerry Springer show \m/
Yes OP was wrong for getting physical. It goes both ways. But "Figure it out on your own"? That's how people end up getting killed in abusive relationships because people think they should never get involved to help.
Yes marriage is what you make of it but any marriage that gets physical is not a healthy marriage and isn't something you can just "fix" or will to be better. A good marriage is one in which the people involved don't intentionally hurt each other physically or verbally.
"yours would make a great Jerry Springer show " If you don't agree with OP fine say so but don't make light of physical abuse.0 -
Dear CDub,he calls me fat *kitten* or tubby, chunky, thick girl, etc.. pulled my ponytail dragging me down on the couch.. he smacked me on my butt really hard and flipped me the double bird
Leaving is the only sane option since you say he's physically abusive and won't stop.I was caught having lunch with him and I kissed him in the parking lot.. the way i deserve.
What do you deserve? Someone who is not physically abusive, but cheats? I applaud you for being up-front about the circumstances leading to his anger, and yes I'm being challenging, but you asked what to expect when you break up. The first step--assuming you don't want a partner who is abusive or sees nothing wrong with cheating on you--is going to be working on yourself to become the sort of partner that you want to attract. That will take time and is much harder imho than losing weight.
You're also likely to grapple with less time with your son (shared custody), possible loneliness when your son stays at dad's, more trouble figuring out his schedule, and less control over the decisions being made about him. However many gripes you had about him, you're probably also going to become a cutely aware of the positives he brought to the relationship and learn to do more yourself.
It's hard. Really hard. But you'll also enjoy freedom, peace, and fewer negative voices. And, hopefully a year or two from now, you'll experience a great loving relationship with the partner of your dreams, or more likely a partner you never expected with faults you can accept and a personality that complement yours.
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The mental and verbal abuse has been going on for years. I in fact remember the very first time he called me a fat *kitten*, i kicked him right in his nuts as he was pushing me backwards on our bed. Yep turned those nuggets black and blue. you would think that would make him NEVER say that again. Instead it was like giving him more fuel for the fire and he knew it was a sensitive subject for me. The next day we went to Cedar Point and he had to walk and stand in lines and ride rides in pain all day. He just doesn't learn. I am not saying I am the perfect wife either. But I try and I have NEVER made fun of his physical flaws as I know how bad that feels. I'm learning through therapy that I am what is called Codependent. I am too caring of others and how they feel and think and not enough about how I feel or think. I am a people pleaser and try to be perfect and when things don't go right I tend to get angry and resentful.
okay, the context isn't entirely clear because "pushing you backwards on the bed" could mean any of several different things... but you kicking him so hard in the balls, unless it was to protect yourself from being raped or beaten, is physical abuse. You seem to think you're entirely justified to physically abuse him in response to verbal abuse, and that he should learn better from it, i.e. you're talking like you did this to teach him a lesson, and not in self-defence, and don't seem to realise that this is totally wrong.
I can't give you advice about whether or not to end your marriage. But I think you need to consider that the abuse has gone both ways in this relationship and work on your own issues before getting into another relationship.
Sorry to call you out on this, but imagine if it had been the other way around... him kicking you really hard on a very painful and tender part of your body... that would not be justified as a reasonable response to verbal abuse from you. It would only be justifiable in self defence. So it's not okay for you to respond like that either, no matter what he said that provoked it. There are better ways to deal with verbal abuse, including leaving the relationship if talking to him about it does not work.0 -
He has hit me before. a punch in the arm or leg here or there. I think he knows better than to get too physical with me as I am not a little girl and I know how to fight. I am a black belt (not in practice anymore but just like riding a bike you never forget!) I was raised to only fight back if you fear for your life, other than that just walk away. there have been many times he verbally assaulted me and called me names and I just walk away and go cry somewhere like a wimp. It just hurts so bad. He's my best friend and we have been through a lot together, we grew up together and the thought of him not in my life kills me. But I cannot keep being treated this way and keep my sanity!
If this is the case, both of you should continue counseling and learn how to communicate. No advice you find on an internet forum is going to give you the magical answer you are looking for. It will only work if you are both 100% dedicated and committed to making it work. Otherwise, things won't change.0 -
Real men don't strike women.
Real women dont injure a man's sexual organs.
Real sexual organs don't even play music despite being called organs.0 -
Well, I felt bad at first...0
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Well, I felt bad at first...
I believe 0.0% of what anyone tells me.
My mother used to go around telling everyone how terrible my dad was, how he abused her, beat her, etc.
Then every night she'd smash ****, beat him, stab knives into various things and threaten to kill us all.0 -
I recently ended a 3yr but I also have a teenage son. He saw me getting treated like crap all the time that he started to disrespect me like my partner did. Then when my partners kids saw my own son treating me bad they joined in. You are a role model and you don't want your son seeing you be treated like that or worse doing that to women.
We have been out of relationship since Nov.2013 and we still talk as friends and no matter how much he begs I will not give him another chance, because I know I deserve better than a man who cheats, belittles, ignores, and who got physical with me. Calling the police and putting everyone but my son out the house was the best choice I ever made.0 -
He has hit me before. a punch in the arm or leg here or there. I think he knows better than to get too physical with me as I am not a little girl and I know how to fight. I am a black belt (not in practice anymore but just like riding a bike you never forget!) I was raised to only fight back if you fear for your life, other than that just walk away. there have been many times he verbally assaulted me and called me names and I just walk away and go cry somewhere like a wimp. It just hurts so bad. He's my best friend and we have been through a lot together, we grew up together and the thought of him not in my life kills me. But I cannot keep being treated this way and keep my sanity!
OP you are minimizing his actions. Just because he didn't punch you in the face doesn't mean it's okay. Hitting is hitting. People don't do that in healthy marriages.0 -
Real men don't strike women.
Real women dont injure a man's sexual organs.
Real sexual organs don't even play music despite being called organs.
Skin flutes are a lie0 -
That's just it, he was pushing me back in fight mode so i defended myself. plus as a martial artist my feet are very quick to defend myself. it's not like he called me fat *kitten* and i just hauled off and kicked him. It got more heated cause i told him to F off and stood up for myself which made him angry with me and more physical. That was 12 years ago so the details are blurry now. I probably should have left then but was young and terrified to be alone. I'm still terrified to be alone, I don't know how to be alone!0
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don't know how any of you can make a informed call on this when;
1 you have half a story
2 the story you have tells of one point of the evening
3 What went on before he got in a mood with the lady
4 why did he get drunk
5 you more than likely don't know this lady and her husband
Did any of you think this lady (no offence love, just playing devils advocate)may just be looking to bail out of a relationship she admitted was she has been in since she was 16. Possibly time for a change of meat? Just a thought, not an opinion
Whatever you decide to do lady I hope it works out for the best for you and your husband.
Yes there's 2 sides to each story but once there's physical fighting it's time to walk away for both people.
Where you there, did you see any of it? How do you know she is not attention seeking. Why is it almost everyone has taken the side of this woman when it could all be a load of old horse *kitten*.
I do apologise to the lady this concerns but I saw nothing, I don't know you or the history of you relationship. However in my experience you are crying out because no one in your actual life 100% believes you are squeaky clean and possibly you have pushed a man to far. As for hitting a woman, no i dont agree with it, but you push a man to far and look out, you where more than likely warned several times before getting slap.0 -
The mental and verbal abuse has been going on for years. I in fact remember the very first time he called me a fat *kitten*, i kicked him right in his nuts as he was pushing me backwards on our bed. Yep turned those nuggets black and blue. you would think that would make him NEVER say that again. Instead it was like giving him more fuel for the fire and he knew it was a sensitive subject for me. The next day we went to Cedar Point and he had to walk and stand in lines and ride rides in pain all day. He just doesn't learn. I am not saying I am the perfect wife either. But I try and I have NEVER made fun of his physical flaws as I know how bad that feels. I'm learning through therapy that I am what is called Codependent. I am too caring of others and how they feel and think and not enough about how I feel or think. I am a people pleaser and try to be perfect and when things don't go right I tend to get angry and resentful.
He pushes, she kicks his nuts until black and blue, he pulls a ponytail, she makes out with some other guy in front of husband's friend...
Yeah... way too much to the story and the last 20 years for anyone to give valuable advice. Figure it out on your own, or with your counselor.
This^
Also, marriage is what you make of it.....yours would make a great Jerry Springer show \m/
Yes OP was wrong for getting physical. It goes both ways. But "Figure it out on your own"? That's how people end up getting killed in abusive relationships because people think they should never get involved to help.
No, she's looking for validation that her husband is a POS and we should all take her side as most people did and say "HE'S A JERK LEAVE HIM!" Maybe he is... Maybe he's not.
A few paragraphs on the internets does not equate to reliable advice. I stand-by the fact that only the two in this marriage should decide whether or not it's worth staying in or filing for divorce; and that can be with or without the help of therapy. But no one here knows two sh*ts enough about this to figure it out for her.0 -
That's usually how physically abusive relationships go, they put their hands on you, and then beg for forgiveness, swear it will never happen again, yadayadayada. Don't buy his bull crap. Get out and stay out. I watched abuse take place growing up, and I swore I would never be with a guy that put his hands on me, and I never have. My child's father tried to put his hands on me while I was pregnant, and I was gone the next day. Never went back. Yes, it was hard, but I dealt with it.0
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Real men don't strike women.
Real women dont injure a man's sexual organs.
Real sexual organs don't even play music despite being called organs.
Skin flutes are a lie
Or are they...
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That's just it, he was pushing me back in fight mode so i defended myself. plus as a martial artist my feet are very quick to defend myself. it's not like he called me fat *kitten* and i just hauled off and kicked him. It got more heated cause i told him to F off and stood up for myself which made him angry with me and more physical. That was 12 years ago so the details are blurry now. I probably should have left then but was young and terrified to be alone. I'm still terrified to be alone, I don't know how to be alone!
And then you married him the next year?0 -
Well, I felt bad at first...
I believe 0.0% of what anyone tells me.
My mother used to go around telling everyone how terrible my dad was, how he abused her, beat her, etc.
Then every night she'd smash ****, beat him, stab knives into various things and threaten to kill us all.
So telling you I'm a Nigerian Princess won't get me anywhere?0 -
That's just it, he was pushing me back in fight mode so i defended myself. plus as a martial artist my feet are very quick to defend myself. it's not like he called me fat *kitten* and i just hauled off and kicked him. It got more heated cause i told him to F off and stood up for myself which made him angry with me and more physical. That was 12 years ago so the details are blurry now. I probably should have left then but was young and terrified to be alone. I'm still terrified to be alone, I don't know how to be alone!
And then you married him the next year?
Yeah, I did. Young and dumb and afraid to be alone. I't not like it was bad all the time. It's gotten worse over the years and the disrespect he showed me the anniversary of my mothers death was it, the straw that broke my back I guess.0 -
Neither one deserves to be in a relationship right now.
He is abusive and she is a cheater.0 -
I really don't know how to respond.
My honest to goodness first initial reaction would be that if I was miserable and being beaten, I would not list my husband as an inspiration.
If I was being physically abused, I'd leave. No therapy. Don't care how many years.
I also don't consider butt smacks hitting, so I could be offbase.0
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