Failing Marriage

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  • jnichel
    jnichel Posts: 4,553 Member
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    Well, I felt bad at first...

    I believe 0.0% of what anyone tells me.
    My mother used to go around telling everyone how terrible my dad was, how he abused her, beat her, etc.
    Then every night she'd smash ****, beat him, stab knives into various things and threaten to kill us all.

    So telling you I'm a Nigerian Princess won't get me anywhere?

    Need my bank account number?
  • leadslinger17
    leadslinger17 Posts: 297 Member
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    I am in no way on the side of the husband... hitting a woman is unacceptable. But just a question, did he ever hit you before you cheated on him? Now I know there are plenty of people who would say "who cares he is an *kitten*" or "kissing isn't cheating" but in my book it is (unless you had some newfangled kiss whoever you want type of marriage). If you had walked away before that I'd say you'd be 100% in the right, but you kind of made this thing a mess by adding kissing this other guy into the mix. If you were sure you were done you should have owned it and made that break before you started getting involved with other men. Obviously he hasn't dealt with the feelings from that, and is being a coward and violent about it, but cheating is unacceptable too... name calling doesn't make that ok.

    Just saying... it sounds like you are BOTH in a place where you are just trying to one-up the other one on how badly you can hurt each other.
  • KrazyDaizy
    KrazyDaizy Posts: 815 Member
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    Physical violence is never, ever ok...period. However, marriage is worth fighting for in most cases. I've been with my SO for almost 20 years as well.

    I know you both say you are in individual counseling, but you should try couple's counseling to see if it IS something you both think is worth fighting for (sorry if you mentioned if you were somewhere else in this thread, but TLDR). I think staying in different households for the time being is a good idea though to not confuse your child and to not allow him to get tempted to put his hands on you again until A) he learns appropriate coping mechanisms OR 2) you cut ties with him on everything except your child and move on.

    Just my opinion.
  • cdub78
    cdub78 Posts: 88 Member
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    I am in no way on the side of the husband... hitting a woman is unacceptable. But just a question, did he ever hit you before you cheated on him? Now I know there are plenty of people who would say "who cares he is an *kitten*" or "kissing isn't cheating" but in my book it is (unless you had some newfangled kiss whoever you want type of marriage). If you had walked away before that I'd say you'd be 100% in the right, but you kind of made this thing a mess by adding kissing this other guy into the mix. If you were sure you were done you should have owned it and made that break before you started getting involved with other men. Obviously he hasn't dealt with the feelings from that, and is being a coward and violent about it, but cheating is unacceptable too... name calling doesn't make that ok.

    Just saying... it sounds like you are BOTH in a place where you are just trying to one-up the other one on how badly you can hurt each other.

    Yes, things were physical before the cheating happened. i just put up with it. I think i lost respect for him when he was so disrespectful that night. i should have just ended things before getting emotionally attached to another man you are correct 100%.
  • EmpireBusiness
    EmpireBusiness Posts: 333 Member
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    Well, I felt bad at first...

    I believe 0.0% of what anyone tells me.
    My mother used to go around telling everyone how terrible my dad was, how he abused her, beat her, etc.
    Then every night she'd smash ****, beat him, stab knives into various things and threaten to kill us all.

    So telling you I'm a Nigerian Princess won't get me anywhere?

    Well the Nigerian Princesses have genetically unique nipples that I am well versed in, so if you send me topless photo I will be able to verify your claims and send you money for your family and transport to my domicile.
  • rachelrb85
    rachelrb85 Posts: 579 Member
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    I honestly was leaning towards giving him another chance until I read about your past weekend. Hell no. He will not change. Physical abuse is not OK. If you are happier and feeling more confident without him, that is a sign. Leave him. Of course it won't be easy, you were together for 20 years. But he does not deserve you.
  • KarmaKills
    KarmaKills Posts: 99 Member
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    Time to move on with your life! You deserve respect and he sounds like a donkey. Been there...done that, never again. Love yourself enough to walk away.
  • wheird
    wheird Posts: 7,963 Member
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    Neither of you need to be in a relationship for a long, long time and you both need counseling.
  • Holly_Roman_Empire
    Holly_Roman_Empire Posts: 4,440 Member
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    That's just it, he was pushing me back in fight mode so i defended myself. plus as a martial artist my feet are very quick to defend myself. it's not like he called me fat *kitten* and i just hauled off and kicked him. It got more heated cause i told him to F off and stood up for myself which made him angry with me and more physical. That was 12 years ago so the details are blurry now. I probably should have left then but was young and terrified to be alone. I'm still terrified to be alone, I don't know how to be alone!

    And then you married him the next year?

    Yeah, I did. Young and dumb and afraid to be alone. I't not like it was bad all the time. It's gotten worse over the years and the disrespect he showed me the anniversary of my mothers death was it, the straw that broke my back I guess.

    So...

    You keep saying how you're afraid to be alone. Is this subject of divorce only now coming up because you have another man that may be interested in you?
  • Holly_Roman_Empire
    Holly_Roman_Empire Posts: 4,440 Member
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    Neither of you need to be in a relationship for a long, long time and you both need counseling.

    And this is what I'm getting at. Both of you need to be single for a while.
  • EmpireBusiness
    EmpireBusiness Posts: 333 Member
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    Get this tattoo on your back... and stomach. It will make sex so awkward that he'll leave you amicably.

    Adlington-shroud-6_1646438a.jpg
  • mjharman
    mjharman Posts: 251 Member
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    Sweetie, I have been married for nearly 27 years, and my husband has called me many names during that time, but he has never, EVER called me Fat.

    Ultimately, it is your decision whether to stay in the marriage or not, but I think you have given yourself the answer. All you need to do now is follow through with that decision.
  • mommyrunning
    mommyrunning Posts: 495 Member
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    OP if you need to talk/vent. Feel free to msg me.
  • deksgrl
    deksgrl Posts: 7,237 Member
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    Problem is now that i have been away i feel more relaxed and confident than i ever did living with him.

    This should be your answer right here. The emotional abuse adds up. The physical abuse seals the deal.
  • beritrocksmyuniverse
    beritrocksmyuniverse Posts: 21
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    I think this is a question for an attorney or licensed therapist. I'm divorced, it sucks at first but in the end you can meet someone new who is nicer and appreciates you. :D You don't need permission from random strangers on the internet to leave (it seems like that is what you are looking for). You have to decide for yourself!!!
  • beritrocksmyuniverse
    beritrocksmyuniverse Posts: 21
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    Also, putting your business out here won't help. Delete this thread, go discuss your situation with a friend or trusted family member, and make a good decision for your future.
  • hastingsmassage
    hastingsmassage Posts: 162 Member
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    I wish you luck, You should go your own way, it's not easy at first but you can do it and you deserve all the best my dear ! fingers crossed and sending a lot of hugs x
  • BrotherBill913
    BrotherBill913 Posts: 661 Member
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    I'm sorry to hear this and wish you nothing but the best.

    ^^^^^ This.
  • RUNNING_AMOK_1958
    RUNNING_AMOK_1958 Posts: 268 Member
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    You've already done the hardest part-moving out. He did you a favor this weekend and gave you a glimpse of what it would be like if you went back. Don't. Just don't.

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