Failing Marriage

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  • camy_chick
    camy_chick Posts: 277 Member
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    Not me personally....But my sister just got out of an 20+ year relationship just last year. He was mentally, physically, emotionally, monetary just OVERALL abusive. He would hit her, talk down to her, make her feel worthless. She had thought about leaving many times before. She actually called our dad multiple times asking for him to drive 4 states away to get her out of that "house". But before he could even leave our town, she called back and said she was going to stay. Then the cycle started again - I'm sorry, forgive me, and then BAM hit her, abused her again and again. Another 1-3 years later, and ANOTHER call. Eventually he started fighting with the kids. FINALLY because of our grandma dieing, she was up here, and they fought on the way. He ditched her and their 2 youngest kids here. And she NEVER went back! BEST THING EVER FOR THEM!

    Since then, she has found a great guy who loves her and her kids, treats them the way they deserve.

    ABUSE IS ABUSE - if it has happened before, more than 1-2 times, IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN! It is a vicious cycle.......Save yourself while you can!
  • baba_helly
    baba_helly Posts: 810 Member
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    170 is a bit heavy for 5'8. just saying.

    I'm gonna go with irrelevant since she did pull a side piece
  • CamilleJackie350
    CamilleJackie350 Posts: 124
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    Lmao, so a coworker shows you a bit of attention and all of a sudden you think it's okay to cheat on your husband? (inb4 'but it was just a kiss' arguments).

    Any other details in the OP have become irrelevant because your actions show how immature and self absorbed you really are.

    You two shouldn't be in a relationship.
  • arainiday1
    arainiday1 Posts: 1,763 Member
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    i agree with the abuse is abuse and he may even have a substance abuse problem. honey you need to walk away. you don't want your kid (kids? i can't remember what you said) thinking this is an ok way for people to treat each other.
  • teresamwhite
    teresamwhite Posts: 947 Member
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    I would think the answer is obvious. Sure, ending it won't be easy, but you'll be better off.

    I am at the same cross roads, though for different reasons...It's hard to shut your heart off, though. In the long run, though...and these are talks I give myself, too....What example of a relationship do you want your children to have? It's what is tipping the balance for me...
  • cdub78
    cdub78 Posts: 88 Member
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    Nah, no need to reply to someone that has no idea what i really look like. i am in no way FAT. This is my problem with men. You all can go out on the beach looking like you are 15 months pregnant but a woman has to be stick thin and sickly looking for anyone to think she looks attractive? Ridiculous!
  • cdub78
    cdub78 Posts: 88 Member
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    That is my husband in the pic
  • toadg53
    toadg53 Posts: 302 Member
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    I ended my marriage after 26 years. That was 7 years ago. I found out some really bad stuff about my ex and that was that. But in retrospect, I could see that I should have done it years before. I went to therapy after just to get things straight in my head and she said that so many stay in bad marriages, and just don't really see the totality of the bad. Don't look at the incidents as separate things. Look at them all over the years or even over the last 6 months. I think you'll probably realize that his actions have escalated. I hope you don't look back 10 or 15 or 20 years from now, and say to yourself .... God, if only I had left. Or heaven forbid, you stay and he continues to escalate and he really hurts you or worse. My vote (and I know it's not up for ballot) is to end it. You and your child will be just fine. You don't want to subject your child to witness that either.
  • AnotherXFitGuy
    AnotherXFitGuy Posts: 58 Member
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    I am not the type to ever say "get a divorce." But in this case, get the freaking divorce.

    This!!!

    And be careful about letting your emotions get you involved in another relationship...it's the last thing you need right now. Remember, a guy who will kiss you while you are still married will kiss someone else while married to you.

    I don't envy you and wish you the best.
  • mommyrunning
    mommyrunning Posts: 495 Member
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    Don't look at the incidents as separate things. Look at them all over the years or even over the last 6 months. I think you'll probably realize that his actions have escalated.

    Good suggestion. It is easy to think of each bad incident as separate but it's all part of one big relationship.
  • Hell_Flower
    Hell_Flower Posts: 348 Member
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    The point no one seems to be asking - do you love him? Does he love you?

    I might be being a bit naive here, but you probably know each other better than anyone else.

    Are you both capable of change? Do you WANT to fix it?

    And you say you are happier when you're not around him. Sure it's not a rough patch? My husband and I, whilst we haven't been together as long as you and your husband, can fight like cat and dog. We say things to each other that we know will draw the most blood. But we recognise our limitations and each others. Our first year of marriage was the biggest joke in the world - we seperated, filled in divorce papers. Then realised that we expected too much of each other.

    He went for me once - but you know what? I knew he would. I baited him and baited him, to see if I could get him to do it. I don't blame myself for his actions, he alone was responsible for what he did but I sure as hell recognised that you can only push someone so far before they push back.

    Is it worth saving? And more to the point - are you both willing to put the effort in to do it? When it's good, is it the best thing in the world?
  • khara2012
    khara2012 Posts: 1,051 Member
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    Anytime you find yourself posting bad things about your relationship on the internet, the relationship is over. You've probably heard all the stuff you read on your thread from people who really know you and love you, so what do you expect to hear from strangers that would be any different? You clearly don't want to be with him or you wouldn't be posting about him, and you know he'd beat your *kitten* if he knew about it. Dump him. As for what to expect...

    Expect to be happier without him, and expect to regain some dignity from not having to post things on the internet about your abusive relationship. Life is short... enjoy it!
  • digitalbill
    digitalbill Posts: 1,410 Member
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    The point no one seems to be asking - do you love him? Does he love you?
    She does not love him.
    If she did, she would not have cheated on him.
  • elizabethroyce10
    elizabethroyce10 Posts: 37 Member
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    Listen to your instincts/ you know what to do... you just need to trust in yourself.
  • calibriintx
    calibriintx Posts: 1,741 Member
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    He put his hands on you. Don't go back, PERIOD. You're not throwing away 20 years, you're choosing for the next 20 to be better than the last. I wish you lots of luck.
  • branflakes1980
    branflakes1980 Posts: 2,516 Member
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    Nah, no need to reply to someone that has no idea what i really look like. i am in no way FAT. This is my problem with men. You all can go out on the beach looking like you are 15 months pregnant but a woman has to be stick thin and sickly looking for anyone to think she looks attractive? Ridiculous!

    Oh honey, don't worry about the one guy who called you heavy. He talks tough but really he's a big cry baby who deletes his account everytime someone's mean to him. He's just insecure, like most dudes.

    Now you focus on getting your **** together. Your relationship is a mess and basically can't be saved. Even if it could it would take a lot of work. So whether you're moving on or trying to fix things, you've got a lot ahead of you. Too much to worry about internet nonsense.

    So get to it. Be healthy and happy. And good luck.

    This^^^ So much this!!
  • BusyRaeNOTBusty
    BusyRaeNOTBusty Posts: 7,166 Member
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    The point no one seems to be asking - do you love him? Does he love you?
    She does not love him.
    If she did, she would not have cheated on him.

    People "cheat" on people they love all the time (but I don't consider kissing "cheating", anyway).
  • WeepingAngel81
    WeepingAngel81 Posts: 2,232 Member
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    I did not end a long term relationship, but I did have one go very sour because of my own lack of self worth. I was married previously, it ended on friendly terms. I am from Florida, living in Nebraska so my daughter can have a relationship with her dad. However, I was really down after the marriage ended. I thought I missed my chance, that I would never have that chance to be in a solid relationship, when along came Mr. sociopath (he hadn't been diagnosed when we were together, but he has since been diagnosed, so yeah....scary), and he was so charming, said so much of what I needed to hear. I had been scared of being alone, just like you, since I have no family here. We planned to get married, we ended up pregnant, and right after our son was born, he started to drink heavily. It was a slow downward spiral. He continued to try to manipulate, he became too aggressive in the bedroom, and he hit his oldest son at one point. Like you, I met someone else who gave me just a little attention, but my relationship with this person never crossed any lines. We worked together and never once saw each other out of the office. He became a friend I could confide in and he built me up telling me how smart he thought I was, I was hard working, a wonderful mom, stronger than I realized. I sent him an email thanking him for helping me stand a bit taller. My ex read it after hacking into my email one night and went crazy. Threw me on the ground, kicked me in the face, and of course he was drunk. That was the end of that. Was it scary? Hell yes it was! It was even more scary to think that my daughter herself could become a victim of a man just like him. I was about to marry him! 5 weeks away from the wedding it all ended. I couldn't have been more free!

    Get out. You show weakness, just as I did, in staying. Your fear will be a driving point for him to continue any cycle of abuse. You allow a little, he will take more and more. He is obviously not happy with you either, so why put it up with it?

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