Failing Marriage

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  • Unknown
    Unknown
    This content has been removed.
  • Hell_Flower
    Hell_Flower Posts: 348 Member
    The point no one seems to be asking - do you love him? Does he love you?

    I might be being a bit naive here, but you probably know each other better than anyone else.

    Are you both capable of change? Do you WANT to fix it?

    And you say you are happier when you're not around him. Sure it's not a rough patch? My husband and I, whilst we haven't been together as long as you and your husband, can fight like cat and dog. We say things to each other that we know will draw the most blood. But we recognise our limitations and each others. Our first year of marriage was the biggest joke in the world - we seperated, filled in divorce papers. Then realised that we expected too much of each other.

    He went for me once - but you know what? I knew he would. I baited him and baited him, to see if I could get him to do it. I don't blame myself for his actions, he alone was responsible for what he did but I sure as hell recognised that you can only push someone so far before they push back.

    Is it worth saving? And more to the point - are you both willing to put the effort in to do it? When it's good, is it the best thing in the world?
  • khara2012
    khara2012 Posts: 1,051 Member
    Anytime you find yourself posting bad things about your relationship on the internet, the relationship is over. You've probably heard all the stuff you read on your thread from people who really know you and love you, so what do you expect to hear from strangers that would be any different? You clearly don't want to be with him or you wouldn't be posting about him, and you know he'd beat your *kitten* if he knew about it. Dump him. As for what to expect...

    Expect to be happier without him, and expect to regain some dignity from not having to post things on the internet about your abusive relationship. Life is short... enjoy it!
  • digitalbill
    digitalbill Posts: 1,410 Member
    The point no one seems to be asking - do you love him? Does he love you?
    She does not love him.
    If she did, she would not have cheated on him.
  • elizabethroyce10
    elizabethroyce10 Posts: 37 Member
    Listen to your instincts/ you know what to do... you just need to trust in yourself.
  • calibriintx
    calibriintx Posts: 1,741 Member
    He put his hands on you. Don't go back, PERIOD. You're not throwing away 20 years, you're choosing for the next 20 to be better than the last. I wish you lots of luck.
  • branflakes1980
    branflakes1980 Posts: 2,516 Member
    Nah, no need to reply to someone that has no idea what i really look like. i am in no way FAT. This is my problem with men. You all can go out on the beach looking like you are 15 months pregnant but a woman has to be stick thin and sickly looking for anyone to think she looks attractive? Ridiculous!

    Oh honey, don't worry about the one guy who called you heavy. He talks tough but really he's a big cry baby who deletes his account everytime someone's mean to him. He's just insecure, like most dudes.

    Now you focus on getting your **** together. Your relationship is a mess and basically can't be saved. Even if it could it would take a lot of work. So whether you're moving on or trying to fix things, you've got a lot ahead of you. Too much to worry about internet nonsense.

    So get to it. Be healthy and happy. And good luck.

    This^^^ So much this!!
  • BusyRaeNOTBusty
    BusyRaeNOTBusty Posts: 7,166 Member
    The point no one seems to be asking - do you love him? Does he love you?
    She does not love him.
    If she did, she would not have cheated on him.

    People "cheat" on people they love all the time (but I don't consider kissing "cheating", anyway).
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    This content has been removed.
  • WeepingAngel81
    WeepingAngel81 Posts: 2,232 Member
    I did not end a long term relationship, but I did have one go very sour because of my own lack of self worth. I was married previously, it ended on friendly terms. I am from Florida, living in Nebraska so my daughter can have a relationship with her dad. However, I was really down after the marriage ended. I thought I missed my chance, that I would never have that chance to be in a solid relationship, when along came Mr. sociopath (he hadn't been diagnosed when we were together, but he has since been diagnosed, so yeah....scary), and he was so charming, said so much of what I needed to hear. I had been scared of being alone, just like you, since I have no family here. We planned to get married, we ended up pregnant, and right after our son was born, he started to drink heavily. It was a slow downward spiral. He continued to try to manipulate, he became too aggressive in the bedroom, and he hit his oldest son at one point. Like you, I met someone else who gave me just a little attention, but my relationship with this person never crossed any lines. We worked together and never once saw each other out of the office. He became a friend I could confide in and he built me up telling me how smart he thought I was, I was hard working, a wonderful mom, stronger than I realized. I sent him an email thanking him for helping me stand a bit taller. My ex read it after hacking into my email one night and went crazy. Threw me on the ground, kicked me in the face, and of course he was drunk. That was the end of that. Was it scary? Hell yes it was! It was even more scary to think that my daughter herself could become a victim of a man just like him. I was about to marry him! 5 weeks away from the wedding it all ended. I couldn't have been more free!

    Get out. You show weakness, just as I did, in staying. Your fear will be a driving point for him to continue any cycle of abuse. You allow a little, he will take more and more. He is obviously not happy with you either, so why put it up with it?
  • SerenaFisher
    SerenaFisher Posts: 2,170 Member
    22 years is a long time, it's a long time to be unhappy. It sounds like your issues have been going on for a long time, perhaps he has learned how much of a jerk he was but honestly by the sounds of it he hasn't learned a thing. Given his reaction and excess drinking I would say get away and continue counseling. I will not say divorce is your only option because in all honesty I am not you, I do not know how much you two mean or care for each other, and I do not know the situation with your son. I do know however that you admitted yourself you feel better and more confident with out him. Perhaps time apart to work on "you" and him working on "him" and then "dating" (I know it's silly) you both can get perspective on if it's truly going to work. Either way I would continue seeing the counselor.
  • hbrittingham
    hbrittingham Posts: 2,518 Member
    Marriage isn't easy. It's even harder when you have been with that one person since you were a teenager. The changes a person goes through between 16 and 38 are HUGE. And that's where the work comes in. If you just live in the status quo during that time and neither of you evolve, then you are still emotionally 16 years old. The patterns in how you are going to interact are set and familiar, and changing them is really hard work. If you want this to work, then he needs to continue his counseling, you need to continue your counseling and you both need to go to counseling together. Learn how to break the old patterns and create new ones. You don't have to want to make this work, that's totally up to you, but if you do, then you both will have to put the effort into it and not let things continue they way they have been.

    I've been married for 22 years, together 24 years to my best friend. He would NEVER lay a hand on me, and I would NEVER lay a hand on him. We've had our ups and downs, first at the beginning of our relationship, where he tried to fight the way he'd always fought with his girlfriend, dirty and nasty (he was 30 when we met). I told him I didn't fight that way, and if that's how he wanted it, he needed to find someone else because I wasn't going to do it (I was 24 at the time). Then life came along and time flew by. We had some major obstacles to overcome, but eventually we did. At the 20 year mark, I was ready to throw in the towel. Those obstacles had been overcome, but neither of us dealt with them, we just swept them under the rug and finally the resentments had built. We snapped at each other constantly and looked forward to when we could spend time apart from each other. We didn't really like each other and were just roommates, not partners anymore.

    We got counseling and worked through the issues. We re-learned to communicate. We stopped falling into the same pattern of behavior. We showed love AND respect to each other. Now we are best friends again and love to spend as much time together as we can. We had a huge history together and we both wanted a future together. Now we have that.

    Whatever you do isn't right or wrong. You have to do what makes you happy and only you can figure out what that is. Good luck!
  • Hell_Flower
    Hell_Flower Posts: 348 Member
    Marriage isn't easy. It's even harder when you have been with that one person since you were a teenager. The changes a person goes through between 16 and 38 are HUGE. And that's where the work comes in. If you just live in the status quo during that time and neither of you evolve, then you are still emotionally 16 years old. The patterns in how you are going to interact are set and familiar, and changing them is really hard work. If you want this to work, then he needs to continue his counseling, you need to continue your counseling and you both need to go to counseling together. Learn how to break the old patterns and create new ones. You don't have to want to make this work, that's totally up to you, but if you do, then you both will have to put the effort into it and not let things continue they way they have been.

    I've been married for 22 years, together 24 years to my best friend. He would NEVER lay a hand on me, and I would NEVER lay a hand on him. We've had our ups and downs, first at the beginning of our relationship, where he tried to fight the way he'd always fought with his girlfriend, dirty and nasty (he was 30 when we met). I told him I didn't fight that way, and if that's how he wanted it, he needed to find someone else because I wasn't going to do it (I was 24 at the time). Then life came along and time flew by. We had some major obstacles to overcome, but eventually we did. At the 20 year mark, I was ready to throw in the towel. Those obstacles had been overcome, but neither of us dealt with them, we just swept them under the rug and finally the resentments had built. We snapped at each other constantly and looked forward to when we could spend time apart from each other. We didn't really like each other and were just roommates, not partners anymore.

    We got counseling and worked through the issues. We re-learned to communicate. We stopped falling into the same pattern of behavior. We showed love AND respect to each other. Now we are best friends again and love to spend as much time together as we can. We had a huge history together and we both wanted a future together. Now we have that.

    Whatever you do isn't right or wrong. You have to do what makes you happy and only you can figure out what that is. Good luck!

    I really hope my marriage is as successful as yours! We're working on it.
  • louisekerry86
    louisekerry86 Posts: 58
    Honestly I can't speak from experience in regards to marriage because I'm 24 and have never been married. I can only speak from the experience of being a child whose parents split when I was 13 and it being one of the best things ever to happen. My dad wasn't violent 99% of the time, but he was emotionally abusive to my mum for years, and eventually she kicked him out (after I at 13 said if she didn't I wanted to go and live with my Nan) and now, 11 years later she is with the most wonderful man who I consider as much my dad as my real one, if not more so. She's more relaxed and headstrong and I am so proud of her. My dad is an alcoholic, I don't have too much to do with him now, we talk on FB every so often but I'm nowhere near as close to him as I am to my mum and stepdad now.

    So, for your son's sake, get out. If you're staying in it for him, don't, he'd much rather his mum be happy and free. What child wouldn't want that? Good luck xx
  • SwashBlogger
    SwashBlogger Posts: 395 Member
    You do not need permission from anyone to move on. Once you get over the hump, you will feel most excellent. Do not rush into any other relationships, and continue the counseling after he's gone. Girl power!
  • hbrittingham
    hbrittingham Posts: 2,518 Member
    Marriage isn't easy. It's even harder when you have been with that one person since you were a teenager. The changes a person goes through between 16 and 38 are HUGE. And that's where the work comes in. If you just live in the status quo during that time and neither of you evolve, then you are still emotionally 16 years old. The patterns in how you are going to interact are set and familiar, and changing them is really hard work. If you want this to work, then he needs to continue his counseling, you need to continue your counseling and you both need to go to counseling together. Learn how to break the old patterns and create new ones. You don't have to want to make this work, that's totally up to you, but if you do, then you both will have to put the effort into it and not let things continue they way they have been.

    I've been married for 22 years, together 24 years to my best friend. He would NEVER lay a hand on me, and I would NEVER lay a hand on him. We've had our ups and downs, first at the beginning of our relationship, where he tried to fight the way he'd always fought with his girlfriend, dirty and nasty (he was 30 when we met). I told him I didn't fight that way, and if that's how he wanted it, he needed to find someone else because I wasn't going to do it (I was 24 at the time). Then life came along and time flew by. We had some major obstacles to overcome, but eventually we did. At the 20 year mark, I was ready to throw in the towel. Those obstacles had been overcome, but neither of us dealt with them, we just swept them under the rug and finally the resentments had built. We snapped at each other constantly and looked forward to when we could spend time apart from each other. We didn't really like each other and were just roommates, not partners anymore.

    We got counseling and worked through the issues. We re-learned to communicate. We stopped falling into the same pattern of behavior. We showed love AND respect to each other. Now we are best friends again and love to spend as much time together as we can. We had a huge history together and we both wanted a future together. Now we have that.

    Whatever you do isn't right or wrong. You have to do what makes you happy and only you can figure out what that is. Good luck!

    I really hope my marriage is as successful as yours! We're working on it.

    I hope so, too. It wasn't easy and there were some very dark days, but once we made it through those, our life together became happier than it ever had been. Good luck!

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