My Boyfriends dog is number one, I am number two.

JennaM222
JennaM222 Posts: 1,996 Member
edited September 23 in Chit-Chat
I really like my boyfriend, and I really love his dog. He adopted him after a few months into us dating. The dog is affectionate and adorable. I have grown rather attached to him. The actual problem is how this man lets the dog dominate his entire life, which is ruining our relationship. He cannot spend one night without it. We cannot go on trips where the dog cannot stay, and even if we do, we cannot stay long because we have to "get back" -- same with even short social gatherings. Moreover, he lets the dog sleep wherever it wants (in between us in his bed), and he insists that it is "cute" or "funny" that the dog seeks affection during and after we do the dirty. I can even count on one hand how many times we've been intimate without the dog in the room, which is now disgusting me as I write this. It has ruined the intimacy level in our relationship, since he believes that shutting the dog out of the bedroom is also cruel. He will often lie around kissing, stroking and petting the dog (even lying on the floor with it) in front of me while we spend time together, but refuses to give me the same affection (he was very loving at the start of our relationship, however). It is really slowly starting to upset me and may even drive me to a breaking point. I have said little things like - "I would like to lay next to my boyfriend" or, "I never sleep at your place with the dog in the bed". Nothing. Am I crazy and seeing things? Does he have a problem or do I? I'm smart enough to know that there's something wrong with this picture at this point and have been giving him the benefit of the doubt to come around due to his redeeming qualities, but on the same end I feel stupid for feeling this way, as if I am overreacting.
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Replies

  • tweezer17
    tweezer17 Posts: 11 Member
    Not overreacting!
  • SJSchwartz
    SJSchwartz Posts: 131
    Yeah, you're not over-reacting at all! I'd say he's probably taking the wimps way out of ending your relationship. Instead of just telling you he wants it over, he's trying to irritate you enough to break it off with him. Just my opinion.. but that's what it looks like to an outsider.
  • ktbug1186
    ktbug1186 Posts: 266
    ummmm.....wow. Definitely not over reacting...thats pretty obsessive. I would have a good talk with him about it, see what he says, have him put himself in your shoes. I hope it goes well!
  • 2bFitNTrim
    2bFitNTrim Posts: 1,209 Member
    "I'm smart enough to know that there's something wrong with this picture at this point"

    You answered your own question with the above statement. You are not over reacting imo, so don't feel stupid.
  • savvystephy
    savvystephy Posts: 4,151 Member
    Sounds like he's in the relationship with the dog and not with you.. I'd give him that statement, and cut off communication for a while. Maybe that'll make him realize what he's really behaving like or show you that he's not worth your time. Hang in there! :flowerforyou:
  • eamartin
    eamartin Posts: 216 Member
    Tell him, It's the dog or me.
    Doing the deed with the dog in the room would be my breaking point.
  • CarterGrt
    CarterGrt Posts: 289 Member
    This all sounds weird to me. I like dogs, but I always think it is weird when people seem to use animals as surrogates for human relationships. Having a relationship WITH A PERSON means investing in that relationship, nurturing that relationship, and you can't do this if your focus and attention is not applied.

    I would mention it. Tell him that you like the dog, but that the dog is a pet and you are his girlfriend. He really needs to consider your, HUMAN, needs. I think this is especially true when it comes to affection, etc. And, I am sure that if you say that certain activities will ONLY happen with the dog outside the room, he will come around very quickly.

    I had a friend that treated her dog like a child. She talked about it as if it was a child, etc. It was very strange. We all laughed it off as a joke for the first year or two, but over time, it got even weirder. I think you better address sooner rather than later because after it becomes a habbit with years of repitition, I think it gets even harder to change.

    Good Luck!!!

    --Carter
  • strivingfor130
    strivingfor130 Posts: 221 Member
    You are not overreactng, and I think you should sit down and have an honest talk about it so he knows that it is really bothering you. Your post reminds me of that show on Animal Planet called "It's Me or the Dog"...maybe you should put him on there ;]
  • LorinaLynn
    LorinaLynn Posts: 13,247 Member
    You feel how you feel, and you're not getting what you need and deserve from the relationship.
  • TulsaTim
    TulsaTim Posts: 87
    Everything you just posted is exactly the conversation you should have with him. My wife loves animals and many times I have felt that way when she would rather cuddle a cat to go to sleep than cuddle me. I had a completely open and honest conversation about the way I felt and I was very surprised and relieved after the conversation. She still cuddles the kitties at night but we have reached common ground on the situation.

    Remember communication is key in any relationship and he must know EXACTLY how you feel and then if you both don't come to some conclusion that is livable for both parties, then it might be time to move on.
  • BethanyMasters
    BethanyMasters Posts: 519 Member
    My boyfriend loves his dog just about more than anything in the world and I don't mind that he sleeps on the bed and gets tons of attention but he is definitely not allowed in the room during THAT time and he will tell the dog to go lay down when I want to cuddle.
  • johnso01
    johnso01 Posts: 1
    You are definitely not overreacting. you should totally say something to him. Let us know how it goes :)
  • jfer1977
    jfer1977 Posts: 139
    First, I don't think you're overreacting. Second, have you talk to him about how his affection towards the dog makes you feel? Not just making comments every now and then like you said you have, but really sat down and told him how you feel. If he really cares for you then talking will make a difference. No animal should ever be number one in a relationship. Good luck.
  • T_R_A_V
    T_R_A_V Posts: 1,629 Member
    I most def love my new puppy more than anything....but he needs to balance the two out for the health of your relationship

    If he cant, then there lies a serious problem...tell him, maybe he doesnt realize it

    Also, I dont see a problem with the dog being in the room during intercourse, as long as the dog is not all up on the bed getting a birds eye view
  • brittlynne3579
    brittlynne3579 Posts: 217 Member
    I remember you writing about this in the Open Letter forum. You aren't overreacting. This guy loves his dog, and that is great, but you should be number 1!!

    You said this guy had some issues with trust or intimacy, I think you just need to sit him down and talk about it openly and honestly. There is no reason for you to feel left out and there is NO reason for that dog to be ANYWHERE near you right before, during or right after nakie time.

    I have 2 dogs and they are my babies. I love them, they sleep with me and they are great company, but I have never had someone tell me they were #1 while they came next, so I'd say your boyfriend might need to think about that.
  • ryandarby
    ryandarby Posts: 24
    try letting him do ya doggystyle? lol ok, seriously that does suck, maybe he is getting a little bored with things? Joe Rogan did a standup bit about dogs and girlfriends you should listen to. dogs are mans best friends too, remember that. You obviously can't say "it's the dog or me" cuz you'll be on the street. YOU CAN SAY "since you got this dog I feel like I've become second in this relationship, what do I have to do to get back to being number 1" and see how that goes. or you can poison the dog and end up being a crazy lady. I think you should go with my first suggestion....not the doggystyle suggestion, although that is GREAT.
  • vcatmb44
    vcatmb44 Posts: 129 Member
    I had to check to see where u lived bc i thought maybe we were dating the same guy lol. My bf used to (and sometimes still) does the sam exact things as u described down to the dog in the room during sex. I have 2 dogs myself and they are not allowed to sleep in the room when we are at my place but when i stay at his he thinks its ok for his dog to sleep in between us . I finally layed the law down and just started kicking the dog out and basically making the rules. You def are not nuts i understand where ur coming from 100 percent. I would telll him it really bothers you and its ruining your relationship if thats how u truley feel. If he cares enuf for u he will lighten up.
  • LorinaLynn
    LorinaLynn Posts: 13,247 Member
    And from a pet person's perspective... letting the dog do whatever he wants isn't good for the dog, either!

    Dogs need structure and order in their lives. They also need a place that's their own, like a crate. Crate training isn't supposed to be punishment for dogs. It's a safe haven - a den - for them. I don't even have the door on my dog's crate, but he goes in there on his own when he needs some alone-time.

    Having a dog and just giving it love and affection without discipline and order is like having a spoiled rotten kid. If you had a child, you wouldn't let the kid crawl into bed with you when you're having your special Nakey-Time. A dog shouldn't be any different. Get a Kong (it's a hollow chew toy for dogs) and fill it with peanut butter mixed with kibble, and freeze it. Give it to the dog before you want to be intimate, and you should have at least an hour uninterrupted. :wink:

    I don't mind the sleeping in bed part. My dog doesn't, because he's too short to jump up there, but my cats do. Just not during Nakey-Time.
  • jsecret
    jsecret Posts: 606 Member
    I could really go either way on this one. On the one hand I can completely understand you not wanting the dog in bed during certain times and wanting some affection from your man when he's more interested in playing with the pooch. On the other hand you're getting jealous of a dog here. My husband has OFTEN told me I love my horse more than him... I very rarely even respond to this. Given any spare time at all in my day and I am in the barn with my pets, out riding my horses, or lugging my camera around taking pictures of them.

    After a long day of work dealing with people, getting home and dealing with family, it's nice to have pets around who don't talk back or get upset over anything and are just excited to see you. It really sucks this is getting in the middle of your relationship but it sounds like you both have to make a compromise somewhere.
  • HollyMac20
    HollyMac20 Posts: 259 Member
    It sucks when things feel off in your relationship. I have days where I wonder who my bf would pick if it was between me and either his snowmobile or his bff. Men and women think soooo different. I started reading "Men are From Mars..." this summer when he was doing a lot of things without me. And/or I would have a breakdown if he didn't take me everywhere with him. It was just a sign there was something bigger off in our relationship.

    You definately need to talk to him about it. It is a conversation that needs to be had. And since he is a guy (sorry guys) I doesn't even realize that there is a problem.

    Also, to have a wel behaved dog, the dog needs to be treated like a dog. My parents have a lab they treat like a child and it is out of control.

    Hope things get better!
  • binary_jester
    binary_jester Posts: 3,311 Member
    Thinks it's funny (and ironic) you called yourself #2. ((hugs))
  • chelekaz
    chelekaz Posts: 847 Member
    Yeah, there is something off here. I would sit down and just ask him straight up... what's going on. Ask him why he feels compelled to allow the dog in the room during those intimate moments and why he is spending more time being affectionate with the dog than with you. Talk to him with straight talk - no dropping hints because guys either ignore them because hints piss them off or they just really don't get the hint - about how this change in his behavior and the obsession with the dog is making you feel, uncomfortable. There is nothing wrong with telling him how his actions make you feel. It could be as simple as he had a dog when he was a kid and he is reliving that joy, like someone else said it could be his way of making you break it off (I know guys like this) or... it could be something more in that he enjoys the excitement it brings from you getting upset with the dog in the room during 'those moments' because it is deemed 'wrong'.

    Which ever of these situations, you need to be honest and straightforward with him....
  • millermichellelea
    millermichellelea Posts: 226
    Basically you have to decide what it to much for you. This is one thing, what comes next? If this is his personality type he may have issues like this over and over again. If this is hurting you this much without his realization, perhaps he may not be the best match for you. If you do think he is the one, then talk to him and let him know you are not happy with the way things are in the relationship and what you need to change for it to be healthy again. Don't get upset if he doesn't listen, that will be the "when" you have to decide what is best for your piece of mind.
  • binary_jester
    binary_jester Posts: 3,311 Member
    Have you ever told him your reservations about all this? I mean to the extent in which you feel? Guys are exactly adept at catching hints.
  • chantalicious
    chantalicious Posts: 68
    Ultimately you're making the decision to stay and put up with the behavior. I'm sure you've had a talk with him about this already. You're deciding to be unhappy, so do something about it because you deserve to be #1.
  • JennaM222
    JennaM222 Posts: 1,996 Member
    Have you ever told him your reservations about all this? I mean to the extent in which you feel? Guys are exactly adept at catching hints.

    I havent mentioned it besdies my few passive agressive jokes abnout it. Which is the wimpy way out. I have trouble with these types of conversations, but know it needs to happen. I get the whole "guy and his dog" but know that it isnt acceptable for me to not be treated the way I feel I should.
  • That_Girl
    That_Girl Posts: 1,324 Member
    Wow. Sounds like our first few months with our new baby! LOL But that's more warranted, I think.

    I would have a serious talk with your boyfriend. Then do what you feel is best.

    Personally, I have no time for this type of BS. I'd probably leave and wish him well with his new lover.
  • deandp371
    deandp371 Posts: 63
    Just be glad you're finding this out now and not later...
  • MsSunshine2011
    MsSunshine2011 Posts: 9
    I am quite like your boyfriend. I have refused to go on trips, left a party early, or choose to go home to spend time with my pets then with my date or my friends. But I definitely don't want my pets around during sex. I also don't cuddle them because I can't - they're reptiles, not because I don't want to. I am guilty of looking at pictures of my pets on my phone when lying in bed with my boyfriend (but not when we were making out).

    I can't speak for your boyfriend but I really, really don't think he sees his dog as number one and you second. I really don't think so. He likely didn't know how much his actions are bothering you. He just adores his dog and misses it immensely when he is away from it. Have a chat with him, let him know how you really feel about this. Hope this helps, good luck! :wink:
  • Dpoane
    Dpoane Posts: 1
    My boyfriend is the same way ~ I have talked to him about the very same problem and I swear he looks at me like I am NUTS! - Well, I beg to differ - no sir - human and dogs are different.... fight for your rights, your hugs, love and affection... dogs are great to have as a companion, but they are an ANIMAL people!! GET REAL.... What is wrong with these PEOPLE??? Mentally disconnected from having human affection... GET SOME HELP!
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