Thoughts on being an only child...
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My son is an only child (not by choice but it's just how things happened). He grew up privileged but not spoiled, he was always grateful for what he had. He was never lonely, we had tons of kids on our cul-de-sac and when he wanted some peace and quiet he came home. I don't believe he begrudged his onliness but he and his wife (who was also almost only - 12 year gap with younger siblings) knew they wanted two kids. He loves them both dearly but when he is watching his 3 yo son be mean and awful to his 1 yo sister he rolls his eyes and understands how less disruptive having an only child can be.
Bottom line I was bullied by people and told I was a horrid human for not having another child - no one needed to know the actual reason my son was only, but he is the nicest, happiest most caring person I know. He is generous to a fault and was very comfortable on his own. I do know that when I get old it will fall on him, but he also has a wonderful wife that will be there for him. I guess that's why he did the happy dance when I remarried to a much younger man that works in health care
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I'm an only, and I wish I had more family.0
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I am an only child, and I LOVE IT!!!! LOVE, LOVE, LOVE IT. I had cousins I could play with if I was bored or lonely, but that rarely happened (that I as bored or lonely) I am an introvert so I cherish my quiet time. Being an only child suited me just fine. I'll admit I am a bit privileged, but not spoiled. I typically received everything I wanted, but it really wasn't much that I wanted for, and I was truly grateful for everything my mother did/does for me.
My daughter is an only child, as a parent I love it. I can do more things with her, she has my undivided attention. We travel on a whim, It's just her and I now. I personally think I would play favorites, as I love this kid so stinking much. No way I could love another kid as much as I love my girl.0 -
I am an only child and always loved it. I know other people who HATED being only children and always wished/dreamed about having brothers and/or sisters. One of my good friends was an only, and she now has four children and thinks being raised an only was so sad. I couldn't be more opposite.
I have always loved spending time alone and enjoying quiet/solitary hobbies which is classic "only child" to some people...but I am pretty well-rounded because I was raised to be very outgoing, friendly, and fiercely independent. I was never sheltered from things, in fact I think my mom erred on the side of exposing me a little too much to adult stuff (to the point that my 8 yr old self was counseled on nuclear war, Armageddon, and complications of medical conditions I'd only heard of)...however, I wouldn't change any of my upbringing for the world.
The biggest thing I think is a benefit to being an only child is not competing for parental attention or having to endure siblings' stages and phases. That may sound cruel & selfish...oh well. I know a lot of people who have 2-3 kids and one of the kids has a special condition, or a talent, or something that causes all of their time & resources to go to that kid. I loved that my parents were always all about MY stage/phase...no toddler toys around when I was 10, that sort of thing. Whatever was age appropriate for me was what they knew about, and that was nice. It was always weird to me when I hung out with friends who maybe had much older/younger siblings and their parents didn't seem to know/care about what was going on with them.
My parents divorced when I was 12 and I got a stepsister, but she's 9 years older and was already out of the house and married. In adult life we're more like friendly acquaintances and we have never done any of the traditional sibling bickering or anything along those lines. So I still consider myself an "only". I will admit it is kind of nice to know that I will have someone else to share the issues that crop up when parents get older and/or pass away. On the other side, my mom's never had any other kids so I am "it" for her and that's kind of a huge deal -- but I've learned that having siblings doesn't really guarantee they will be in an emotional, geographical, and/or financial position to provide additional support, either.
Also, I've been married twice, currently very happily married...and both of my husbands were also "onlies". I think it's easy to relate to them. This is a HUGE and probably crazy generalization, and I know it...but when I've been in relationships with men who grew up with a few brothers and/or sisters they are often less forgiving, more argumentative, and less apt to compromise.0 -
I am on only child. We tend to be very confident, independent, bright, and mature. I never once cared about being an only as a child and only now do ever even think about what it would be like to have a sister in particular....only because at 46 years old I see others having "girls days" (frankly nights, weekends, and vacations) with their sisters and I do kinda wish I had that but I wouldn't trade it for whatever drama can happen with sibs.
I know what you mean! It can make you feel a bit jealous as you get a bit older and see others enjoying close sibling relationships.
It's such a mixed bag, too. My mom and stepmom are both in their early 60's. My stepmom has 5 sisters all close to her age and they go on cruises, share hairstyle tips and clothes, even though they are spread across the Midwest and South. My mom has 4 sisters ranging wildly in age but 2 of them are pretty close to her age and they hate each other so any time my mom speaks with her sisters she's trying to deflect or diffuse endless drama and petty arguments from 30 years prior.
Same with younger siblings. I have a male friend who is SUPER close to his 3 slightly older sisters, they're like a one family dodge ball team and still practically speak their own secret language and have a million inside jokes. But then I have many friends who barely even know their brothers or sisters and think of them more as people they tried to avoid while growing up side by side.0 -
Lacking social skill can happen in any situation. I dated guy who was the 2nd oldest of 10 kids-- the first 5 all had wonderful social skills, they made friends wherever they met and they felt comfortable in a room full of strangers. His younger siblings not so much-- his youngest sister is 6 months younger than my daughter-- they were like night and day-- she had never gone to daycare and was very shy, my daughter was loud and inquisitive. There was such an age gap between her and the older ones that by the time she was old enough to enjoy them they were already going on with their lives and out of the house.
I enjoy many of the perks of being a mom to one (going out to eat is cheaper, planning vacations is simpler, school shopping is easier, etc) ....she is 12 yrs old and like the person said above she is not so much "spoiled" as she is "catered" to. she enjoys being the only child too-- when Christmas or birthdays come around she gets double the amount of gifts because she is my only child and both my brother and sister have 2 kids, which means our budgets have to be split. Her birthday parties are huge! she gets her own bathroom and no one is trying to wear her clothes or take her stuff.
She is very independent, open minded, creative, honest, easy going, adventurous and she is a people person. She loves meeting new people and gaining new friends. Basically she is the complete opposite of me-- I don't do well in a room full of people and I don't enjoy meeting new people. She will walk into a room full of her friends and I swear they jump over each other to greet her, its amazing. We have always made sure that she had lots of social interaction with her peers, both older and younger. But she also knows the meaning of working hard for what you want and being rewarded for that hard work. She has also been taught to care for herself--like laundry, wash dishes, cook, clean, etc and enjoys helping out around the house.
Although there are times when she tells me she wants a brother or sister I tell her that she has cousins and friends and those are better because we can send them home at the end of the day! LOL She thinks I'm joking but anyone with siblings would understand that!0 -
I am on only child. We tend to be very confident, independent, bright, and mature. I never once cared about being an only as a child and only now do ever even think about what it would be like to have a sister in particular....only because at 46 years old I see others having "girls days" (frankly nights, weekends, and vacations) with their sisters and I do kinda wish I had that but I wouldn't trade it for whatever drama can happen with sibs.
I know what you mean! It can make you feel a bit jealous as you get a bit older and see others enjoying close sibling relationships.
It's such a mixed bag, too. My mom and stepmom are both in their early 60's. My stepmom has 5 sisters all close to her age and they go on cruises, share hairstyle tips and clothes, even though they are spread across the Midwest and South. My mom has 4 sisters ranging wildly in age but 2 of them are pretty close to her age and they hate each other so any time my mom speaks with her sisters she's trying to deflect or diffuse endless drama and petty arguments from 30 years prior.
Same with younger siblings. I have a male friend who is SUPER close to his 3 slightly older sisters, they're like a one family dodge ball team and still practically speak their own secret language and have a million inside jokes. But then I have many friends who barely even know their brothers or sisters and think of them more as people they tried to avoid while growing up side by side.
My mom is the youngest of 3 and the only girl-- she tells me that she has always been jealous of the relationship me and my sister have because she never got to do that with her siblings (both older boys). Its no wonder our baby brother always wanted our attention-- he was raised in a house full of women!0 -
One thing to keep in mind is that even if you have more than one, there is no guarantee that the siblings will be close. I have friends who do not get along with their siblings at all. My mom was close with her brother growing up but now he is estranged from the family (for 35 years) and my mom has to do all the care-taking for my grandma (me and my brother try to help but my grandma wants my mom, and also she is retired while we work). My Dad is close with one sibling, but not with the other. My brother and I could not be more different but we are close, and I am glad to have him. I can't really imagine my life without him, but I also know that if he dies before me (which is likely as he is really unhealthy) I would be devastated, or if he were to do what my uncle did and cease communication I would be more hurt by him than by anybody else on earth.0
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My mother is an only child. She is very selfish. Most only children i know/ dont act like kids/ they are like too mature / hang out with adults too much. Kids need to be kids. Alot of only children are pressured alot . There is no one else to share in the expectations. Parents put too much on them/ demands wise. Just my opinion.0
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I'm married to an only child. He's VERY selfish and I swear he believes the world revolves around him. He also will never take responsibility for a mistake and is quick to blame me or the kids. Ughhh..
Very annoying!0 -
I was an only child. I'm 25 now. My family life was dysfunctional, but there are a few things I learned about myself. I was spoiled, and I grew up to be very self-centered. Not to the extent that I'm arrogant or narcissistic (God I hope not!
) I just know I used to think about memememe all the time. Every time I'd talk it'd be about me. I only started noticing it about 5 years ago and am trying very very hard to work on that because I don't like that trait in others and it makes me really sad to think that I'd be annoying to someone else.
I think if I'd had someone else to think about growing up, a sibling to share my space with, to annoy or be annoyed by, I believe I probably would've been better off. I yearned for a sister or brother growing up, and I have a tendency to get very clingy to my friends.
I probably sound nuts. Don't worry I have a therapist. Haha.0 -
I live in so cal and its too populated here as it is so we are happy with just having one child. Itll be cheaper too. Instead of buying 2 of every thing we only buy 1. When we go to resturants its only 1 child. I actually love It like this. When hes older we only have to have a 2 bedroom place at the least. When we die well he will be married by then so his wife will be there for him n we will make sure he finds the best wife for him. Preferably an only child too.0
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I live in so cal and its too populated here as it is so we are happy with just having one child. Itll be cheaper too. Instead of buying 2 of every thing we only buy 1. When we go to resturants its only 1 child. I actually love It like this. When hes older we only have to have a 2 bedroom place at the least.
I think you touched on some stuff that has mostly been ignored thus far in this thread. I have noticed for a lot of my friends who have one child instead of 2+ kids, everything just generally seems to be less of a hassle and less financial strain. They usually don't need to drive a minivan or large SUV unless they just want to for some other reason like hobbies. They usually aren't struggling as much to make it. There's not a huge issue like when 2 toddlers and a school age kid or two can share 2 of 3 bedrooms but they start hitting age 9-10 and that is really not a big enough home for 4-5 kids. Somehow it even seems like in a lot of ways their day to day lifestyle is much more similar to mine (married no kids) than to other moms and dads with even two children. Not saying it's bad at all to have 0, 1, 2, or 7 children...just stuff I have noticed.0 -
I wouldnt know.. I have 4 sisters and 2 step brothers .. Lol.0
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Not an only child, but married to one.
One negative I know is that when the parents get old, there is a lot of stress/responsibility that falls onto that one child. There aren't any siblings to share that pressure with.
This is so very true, I am an only child and it's very stressful with your parents. My parents were divorced and that meant 1 - 2 nights a week per parent and it gets very hard. I was lucky enough though that when I "NEEDED" that time to get away or was ill myself I had 3 Aunts that would help in those cases and my daughters were of help then too. But they had their own families to deal with and the way my parents were children at times made things worse. I say 2 at the minimum and hopefully they are close with one another and could work together.0 -
Only children are very needy. Psychologically they can become very dependent on people later in life.
I'm not sure I agree with this. I am an only child, I am very independent, just ask my hubby. I thing we all at one time or another in our elderly life become dependent on others.0 -
both sides of the story here:
I am the oldest of 5 girls, the disadvantages being that with a large family there is less money to go around! There is very little (virtually none when i was growing up) individual attention from parents. my sisters would steal my stuff, we argued lots! i felt like I was given far too much responsibility in caring for my youngest siblings at a young age. the only advantages were having people to play with when we were very young, and christmas was always a good, funfilled time. Overall, i wish there had not been so many of us!)
i have one daughter (4yrs old) and that is how i want it to stay. I work full time and feel like i dont have enough quality time for just one child. I want to be able to afford to give her the basics in life, plus a few extras. She is being brought up very well, is well mannered, kind and loving. but, she does not like to share her toys very much! she has no desire for siblings, just a rabbit.
others tell me that its not fair to have just one child - i disagree!0 -
Only children are very needy. Psychologically they can become very dependent on people later in life.
I'm not sure I agree with this. I am an only child, I am very independent, just ask my hubby. I thing we all at one time or another in our elderly life become dependent on others.
This^^^
We need to take into account that children from any situation can be needy and co-dependent but I wouldn't say that ALL only children are needy and will grow to be very dependent on others in their life. I think that some, not all, only children lived privileged lives and are accustomed to certain things but many of them are independent and find it hard to depend on others or have others depend on them. I can see how this statement could possibly ring true for the description of being the oldest child or the youngest child, or the only boy/girl.
edit for clarification0 -
Only children are very needy. Psychologically they can become very dependent on people later in life.
As an only child, I can say that one of the worst things about it is how so many people think it is okay to stereotype and put down only children. I find your comment incredibly insulting and ignorant, but what do I know...?
Being an only child who has dealt with the death of both of my parents, one positive was that there was no one to disagree with how I handled things. It was hard, but I took solace in being able to do what I wanted how I wanted.0 -
Another only here.
I don't think I missed out having siblings, they were always something other people but so what. I do have some reasonably close cousins and if there's ever anything that makes me glad I'm an only its the number of broken bones they gave each other.
I tend to get complaints that I am not pushy enough although I grant that when I decide on something it will be done, come hell or highwater, but that's something everyone in my family does so I don't think it's a only child thing, I think it's a my-family-are-stubborn thing.0 -
My mother always says "they tried it once, and didn't like it" haha wink wink.
I'm from a family of 5, I never knew my 2 older siblings though.
There is 7 years between me and my younger sister. 7 years of depressing loneliness, it was incredible finally having a sister.
The love of sibling is 1000x better than being spoilt with toys and clothes.
A lot of people that grow up as a only child tend to be bratty or snobby from being spoilt (not the case for everyone).
I think it really depends on how you raise the child. I hated being an only child, even though it was just 7 years.
I want to have 3 children
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I was raised an only child but I had two older brothers, who grew up in other households. My one brother passed away when I was 13 and my remaining brother now lives on the West Coast and I in the east.
My adoptive parents were significantly older when they adopted me - I was almost 3 years old and my adoptive mom was 48 or 49. I remember being lonely as a kid as we had no near neighbors with kids my age, family gatherings were often childless, because the children of my parents peers were almost grown, grown up and gone, or had little babies, too young for me to play with. My mom and dad didn't "do things" as much as they "watched" - they'd take me places to have fun but unless I took a friend with me, it wasn't all that much fun - they were spectators, lol...
As an only child I am rather independent, and I do enjoy my alone / quiet time. I loved to read books and go fishing. I often prefer to go shopping by myself. I'm not a super-social person but I do enjoy occasional get togethers with very close friends.
What I feel I have missed out on as an only child is large family gatherings. Holidays....always were "just us" and for the most part are still "just us" (My husband isn't an only but his family lives 1000+ miles away...both sets of our parents are dead as are most of the rest of our relatives except our siblings and nieces/nephews...who all live far away.) We do go to a friend's house for Thanksgiving and it's a big gathering and thus Thanksgiving is our favorite holiday.
I did not want to have an only child - I have 3. I didn't want them to be lonely like I was growing up. I wanted them to have family gatherings. I wanted THEIR kids to have cousins their age to grow up with. (Watch now, only one will reproduce and that one will be an only, lol)
My 3 kids are all unique - my youngest one is most like me. She likes to be by herself and do her own thing most of the time. The other two are a little more social.
In a lot of ways I resent not growing up with my brothers. I don't know how differently I would have turned out had I not been raised as an "only." I'm pretty comfortable, however, with who I am...even if I am an odd duck in a lot of ways.0 -
I was an only child and I had what I look back on as a charmed and somewhat magical childhood. Really when I think about it I know I was truly blessed. My parents were in thier mid 30's when they had me and I was definately wanted. My mother had a spontaneous abortion before getting pregnant with me so I think they were not sure she would be able to carry a child to term before she had me. I grew up safe and loved, maybe somewhat spoiled but always was taught to appreciate what I had and be kind to others. I grew up with a strong sense of self and to stick up for other people who can't stick up for themselves. I do think that being an only child makes alone time easier. I do not constantly need to be entertained and am fine with the quiet. While I can't speak for what it's like growing up with siblings I think that being an only child in general makes you more independant and less competitive because you don't have to compete with anyone else growing up for attention.0
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Only children are very needy. Psychologically they can become very dependent on people later in life.
It really depends on upbringing. I'm an only child and I know people who have siblings that are extremely needy...towards those around them and in their family. Being needy implies that one is in want of affection, attention or assurance to an excessive degree. If someone is brought up with these aspects all in good measure, they are less likely to have any deficiency when in adult life. Rather, they will form good relations, will be able to interect better socially and be independant.0 -
Only child here. I have noticed that I am totally ok with doing things by myself like going to restaurants, movies, shopping, etc. It drives me nuts when I have friends who bug the crap out of me while I am busy because they can't bring themselves to do some activity alone. I also rarely get bored. I think that is because I got used to entertaining myself while growing up without siblings.
This! Although I personally also matured very quickly (possibly due in part to the death of my mother when I was 6) so had trouble making friends with people at school because I found them annoying and immature. I made friends with peoples' parents instead :laugh:. I was pretty much independent (although not financially, obviously) by age 10 in that I could cook for myself, had good organisational skill etc etc
I definitely agree with doing stuff alone though. I live alone almost 500 miles away from my remaining family (I'm in Glasgow, Scotland and they're in Hampshire in the South of England) and I'm totally fine with it. I've also travelled to 19 different countries, including the USA, by myself. I have occasionally gone on weekend trips with other people and whilst it can be nice, I think I prefer going alone.
tl;dr greater independence, I guess. I don't have to bug my friends to go see a movie with me or whatever, and I don't need any sort of close network of other people to function.0 -
I have 3 siblings, and I am sooooo grateful to have them. The bonds between brothers and sisters are just so incredible...like lasting friendships no matter what. It is good to know that after my parents are gone, I will still have them.
I dont have any children, but I know that if I get pregnant once - I will automatically be getting pregnant again. I would hate to be on my death bed, and my child alone.0 -
! was in a family of six, my partner was from a family of five.
We have a son.
I'm not particularly close to most of my siblings. My three brothers hardly ever are in contact with me. I am in contact with one sister. My partner doesn't see his family much at all.
Our boy is very self possessed, friendly, out going with a circle of friends. He is 20 and has moved out of home into a flat with friends. He has an ability to like his own company, but loves his friends. He is independant.
I think siblings can be fun to grow up with if the family is happy enough. There is no guarantee that you will remain intimate with your siblings once you are adults. My family was a happy enough home but my siblings are quite self interested and have made very little effort with me over the years. I always was the one to make the effort until I grew tired of it.
I agree with the idea that perhaps we may become a bit of a burden to our son when we are old but he may very well just not bother - whos to know?
Our son is definitely not needy - he had all our love and attention growing up and this helped him become a happy independent human being - all his needs were met as he grew.0 -
What I see in this thread is that there are WAYYY too many variables within families of all sizes to assign personality traits based on how many siblings one does or does not have.
I know people from large, not rich families, who are spoiled brats. Others, only children from wealthy backgrounds who do much for others.
Also, statistically, only children are disproportionately represented in US Presidency and other high offices. So, it can breed a lot of accomplishment. More resources and more time to focus on self often does.
I think it's also safe to say that it poses unique parenting challenge - strange attachments and anxieties, etc. But, we have all seen that in larger families that have one of a particular sex. Everyone gathers around the "girl" or "boy" child like it was the first one ever born to the world. Or conversely leaves that child out of the mix a lot of the time (my experience).
Yeah. Too many variables.0 -
Only children are very needy. Psychologically they can become very dependent on people later in life.
Wow, I could not disagree more. I've found in general that people with siblings tend to be more needy because they have had to compete with someone else for attention all thier life. However I think being that way has more to do with the type of parent you have than whether you have siblings.0 -
One negative I know is that when the parents get old, there is a lot of stress/responsibility that falls onto that one child. There aren't any siblings to share that pressure with.
^^^ This. Factor in that my parents are divorced and yeah. It sucks. Fortunately I have a great extended family of aunts, uncles, cousins.
I think the biggest laugh I get about growing up an only child is my parents buying me board games for christmas. I'd ask them if they wanted to play and they'd say no. Thanks guys! I guess I'll go try and play Fireball Island by myself. Meh. I still laugh about that almost 30 years later.
Upside is that you are able to function on your own pretty easily. Live alone, not constantly need people around, find creative ways to entertain yourself.
Still if I had my choice, at least one sibling would have been cool.0
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