Parenting ADVICE NEEDED!

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  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    Get her a pet. A puppy. A kitten. Something that she is responsible for (although ultimately you will end up looking after it) and who will lavish unconditional affection on her.
    No.
  • delicious_cocktail
    delicious_cocktail Posts: 5,797 Member
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    I recommend against punishing her for these feelings and for her actions. She is not "misbehaving", she is distraught. Support her, love her, reinforce for her that she is the star in your sky and your number one priority. All of that, not because it will solve the problems necessarily, but because those are a good prescription regardless. Be patient and kind and if things are not improving, consider therapy for one of you or both of you - - to work with a professional who might be able to get to the root of her problems.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
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    You probably won't like my advice, but I think a couple of therapy sessions with a child psychologist might help a lot here. Divorce can be devastating on a child. Being so close to you at night was a comfort for her. You have taken that comfort away. She has to learn to become independent. A psychologist can help her understand and ease into independence.
  • srslybritt
    srslybritt Posts: 1,618 Member
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    Kids don't generally just become anxious. You need to understand that you have upended her entire life. Everything has changed and she's not sure where she fits anymore. How about being a bit more compassionate and asking her, directly and one-on-one what you can do to help her?

    I second family therapy. Your little girl's peace of mind is YOUR job, not hers. YOU, as the parent, are supposed to make her feel safe. She obviously does not feel secure right now, and you ignoring her isn't doing anything to help that.

    ETA: As for a pet, no. Just no. Maybe once everything is settled and she's able to function on her own again. But adding an animal to this isn't fair to you, her, your new family, OR the animal. Straighten out your human issues before adding animal issues.
  • ItsMeBlue
    ItsMeBlue Posts: 25 Member
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    staying someplace, then moving into someplace are two different scenarios. you have to think like a kid in her situation. she lost a family unit. and chances are she may think shes partially responsible. visiting prior to moving in, she knew she always could go home..there was a definite end to the visit...now she is in a place that isn't "hers" no matter how much you try to make it "hers"..and she is having to share ALL her mommy time with others, with no choice in the matter. that's enough to make a kid go crazy...I know, I came from one of those....but to shut the door to her and ignore her pain is showing her her worth is less than an animal. i am not trying to down you, nobody gives us a manual when our kids are born on exactly what to do in all situations, but keep in mind that you cannot eliminate all possibilities when you have a broken marriage and kids are involved. she needs time to adapt to this new situation, after all, the boys are still in their "home"..she isn't. Pray about it, and seek Godly counsel. God bless you and hug that baby!
  • firstsip
    firstsip Posts: 8,399 Member
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    What, she's too old to be upset at this major life change after what sound like some years of stress for her? She's too upset to be trying to cope in ways that someone without a not fully developed brain is likely to do? Her taking to cold medicine as a sleep aide is also concerning and potentially dangerous if she gets into that (or other substances) to try and help her sleep (which clearly she's having issues with).

    Counseling. 100%. Punishing her will set her up for years of potential issues for her, ranging from suppression of all feelings (unhealthy) to self-hate (for feeling emotions but being told they're inappropriate).

    ETA:
    I KNOW she's too old to be behaving like this, that's why I think she has total control over it. I know she could stop if she wanted to.
    is a horrifying statement to see about an eight year old.
  • delicious_cocktail
    delicious_cocktail Posts: 5,797 Member
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    What, she's too old to be upset at this major life change after what sound like some years of stress for her? She's too upset to be trying to cope in ways that someone without a not fully developed brain is likely to do? Her taking to cold medicine as a sleep aide is also concerning and potentially dangerous if she gets into that (or other substances) to try and help her sleep (which clearly she's having issues with).

    Counseling. 100%. Punishing her will set her up for years of potential issues for her, ranging from suppression of all feelings (unhealthy) to self-hate (for feeling emotions but being told they're inappropriate).

    I provide no medical advice here but melatonin is a much, much safer non-habit forming sleep aid that you should research and consult your pediatrician about employing.
  • srslybritt
    srslybritt Posts: 1,618 Member
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    ETA:
    I KNOW she's too old to be behaving like this, that's why I think she has total control over it. I know she could stop if she wanted to.
    is a horrifying statement to see about an eight year old.

    ^^^ Quoted for emphasis. See a doctor or therapist of some kind before drawing these conclusions, please.
  • LoneWolf_70
    LoneWolf_70 Posts: 1,151 Member
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    ur gonna have to tough it out and make her sleep on her own, no meds and put your foot down. it will be painful for about a week. nut up.
  • sixout
    sixout Posts: 3,129 Member
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    Have you tried removing her mother? That might work.
  • Snip8241
    Snip8241 Posts: 767 Member
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    You just moved in with your boyfriend, which is a big change. You put her in her own room, away from you. She's now the only person in the family who has to sleep alone. And when she's upset about that, you shut the door and ignore her.

    I understand your reasoning in doing that, but think about things from her perspective. She feels replaced and shunned in favor of your boyfriend. I think you might want to consider doing more things all together, as a family, to show that she's not being kicked out on her own. Maybe leave everyone's bedroom doors open for a while, so it doesn't feel like she's closed off from everyone. And if it continues, counseling might be a good option.

    This was my first thought. The boys are across from you, you are with your boyfriend, she is alone and away. Perception is everything. She may perceive that you have separated her from the family.
    She is eight, but she is only eight and may have fears about sleeping alone.
  • amethyst7986
    amethyst7986 Posts: 223 Member
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    Just my opinion.

    She's already seen separation and what it does to people. Her view could be that her "separation" from you now is permanent and not temporary like when she stays over with other relatives (sounds like grandpa and grandma are separated too?). Probably needs reassuring that you're not leaving her on her own.

    A.C.E. Certified Group Fitness and Personal Trainer
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    this ^ plus, you get to sleep with someone, the boys get to sleep with someone and she is all alone in her room. I'm sure she feels left out. I don't think she's "too old" to be going through this, she has had you to herself, sleeping in the same bed as you and now you are gone. I agree she needs reassurance that you are not leaving her. Lots of changes, new home, new "brothers" new "father" in the house. That is a lot for a child. Get a new nighttime routine with her, bath, hair brushing, reading, lay with her for a few minutes and then to sleep. Just like a smaller child, try to keep bedtime peaceful for her. Perhaps let her pick out a new doll or stuffed animal that can be her bed partner so she has someone special in her room too. Good luck.

    I agree with both posts. I went through this exact thing with my daughter. My husband was understanding about it. I ended up in a sleeping bag on her floor until he came woke me up at some time in the night. I only had to do that for a few weeks until she got used to her room. Keeping the doors open is a great idea, and allow her to climb into your side of the bed if she wakes up at night and needs to. My daughter is now 10, and still comes and crawls into bed with me if she has a nightmare. My own parents did that for me as I was an anxious kid. Of course there will be times when your door is appropriately locked.

    I definitely agree with this. She is feeling left out and scared-- she's in a new home, with new people, everyone is sharing a room but her....too much for her to adjust to at a young age, she's had you to herself for the last 3 years...and now someone else gets to sleep beside her mom. I think that taking turns sleeping on the floor or just laying with her at night will help ease her and keep her from being afraid and alone. She needs to know that everyone has her best interest in mind and that you are not leaving her or punishing her. If you don't already have a bedtime routine maybe now is the time to create one--something that would be just for you two. If she doesn't seem to be adjusting, then I say speak with a counselor, sometimes there's more going on than we realize.

    Good Luck to you both!
  • Mikkimeow
    Mikkimeow Posts: 1,282 Member
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    I know that she's too old to be acting like this. She doesn't do this at her dad's or at her grandpa and grandma's. I definitely think it's a mix of separation anxiety and need for attention. She does stay active all day and she should be exhausted at night. We have 8 acres, she swims all day, jumps on the trampoline, runs around like a kid, rides the 4-wheeler, etc. There's no reason she shouldn't be totally wiped out at the end of the day. I've thought about laying with her, but as you said, that's another thing we'll have to wean her off of. As for sleeping in the other kids' room, I see that as a reward for GOOD behavior. She will not get rewarded for bad behavior. It is a privilege. If she can do good, I will let her sleep in with them one night on the weekends. What we're doing right now is just closing our door and ignoring her. We are treating her like an infant or a new puppy.

    I KNOW she's too old to be behaving like this, that's why I think she has total control over it. I know she could stop if she wanted to. She has a night light, which the younger kids don't even require. I know the room is foreign to her, but after 2 months, it really shouldn't be this extreme.

    As for the vitamin at night, I do love the idea, but I don't want to make her think that getting medicine at bed time is ok. It will have the placebo effect on her, but I don't want to get her into the habit of that. And also, she will still be her getting her way. She is not the one who should be making the rules of bedtime.

    I feel bad ignoring her, but I feel like that's the only option left. Ignore her and take away her privileges as long as it continues.

    I just keep rereading this, hoping I missed some giant joke. You say you treat her like an infant or puppy. I wouldn't let an infant or puppy just lay and cry at night. Because that means I would be neglecting my responsibility, which is what you are doing. This child isn't being spiteful, she is reaching out. What a giant, horrible change you have brought on her, then continued by taking the things she enjoys away. You should be absolutely ashamed of yourself.
  • oregonzoo
    oregonzoo Posts: 4,251 Member
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    I went through a very simliar scenario with my son, when my fiance moved in.

    1. He always whined he needed "medicine' didn't give it of course unless it was clear he was ill
    2. we had to ween him out of my bed. It was a pain but we did it.

    The thing is parenting can be hard there are going to be tears. But you need to start. When you spoil or pamper your children too much they become even older children who still can't act right
  • randomtai
    randomtai Posts: 9,003 Member
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    The thing is parenting can be hard there are going to be tears. But you need to start. When you spoil or pamper your children too much they become even older children who still can't act right

    QFTMFT!!!!!!!!!
  • zodan1976
    zodan1976 Posts: 30 Member
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    Every child is different and only you (momma) know if she is doing this to be "bad" or not. Children are very smart in a lot of ways. Instead of understanding logic and just coming to you to express how they feel or even just asking you for what they want..... they look for ways to ,in a since, "manipulate" the adults in there lives to do or give them what they want. To me?.....this is what this sounds like to me. A big change just happened in her life and she feels that, you as her momma (maybe her one constant?) is drifting away from her. There's lots of things you can do......get her a pet?, a new stuffed animal or read to her, talk to her about how you feel on this on a more one on one level, Maybe you could even have your bf talk to her by him self and maybe thank her for letting in into yalls life or something. Let her know that yall are going to be a family or something along those lines.......but in the end I think that as parents we get caught up in our lives and we just remember how easy we had it as a child and think that that goes for our children too. Kids are different today than when I was a kid. They know more at an earlier age too. Best of luck to you and your daughter.......
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
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    If traditional discipline is not working, then there is a greater psychological need at present. You can only address psychological need with MORE nurturing, not LESS.

    I would suggest establishing a protected "mommy and me" time to her bedtime routine. The two of you should not be disturbed during this time. Reassure her that you are not far away from her and are available to her at any time during the night.

    I'm not sure how much influence your boyfriend has had on your approach to addressing this problem, but if you are ever going to become a complete functioning family unit, then he has to understand that your child's needs are as important as his and his children's needs. Compassion is really the only way to address this problem.
  • KelGen02
    KelGen02 Posts: 668 Member
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    It's more than just sleeping in a separate room. These are major life changes. She's only 8. I highly recommend family counseling to help her adjust.

    This ^^^ I am a firm believer in counseling for children/familes after a divorce, start of a new family etc. She is 8 and should know better, but there is more going on than just behavior problems and punishing her for "knowing" better is not going to help the problem. I am divorced and remarried with a blended family as well... it''s tough on the kids, no matter what age. Good luck!
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
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    Have you tried removing her mother? That might work.

    Actually, that will make things far worse.
  • srslybritt
    srslybritt Posts: 1,618 Member
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    The thing is parenting can be hard there are going to be tears. But you need to start. When you spoil or pamper your children too much they become even older children who still can't act right

    QFTMFT!!!!!!!!!

    True on the spoiling aspect.

    Which is why I think it's extremely important that she get down on her daughter's level and try to find out from her daughter what she can do, within reason, to make the transition easier for her.

    It's not a "buck up, buttercup" scenario we're talking about here. It's an upheaval for her daughter and it's unfair for the OP, as a parent, to expect her child to just understand how the pieces fall into place.

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