How do you handle tantrums?

when my kids had tantrums I would walk away from them and ignore them. nine times out of ten they would stop to come look for me. IF it got too our of hand I would say nothing and just scoop them up and put them in their room and close the door. I never gave in. I would even do this at the store, of course I would just hide around the corner but kids wont do stupid crap for too long if only strangers are staring at them. Worked everytime for me. :laugh: There were many times that people would be like who's kid is that? and I would join them in their comments and be like I don't know, wonder where his mom is. Hahah... my kids hated that more than anything. Made them feel stupid when old ladies were all staring at them. Be patient, they wont be that little for long.

I've taken my kids into nicer restaurants since they were toddlers. I have never had a problem with them or anyone else. Sure, a true Michelin 3-Star no, but kids have too eat too and when I'm traveling there's little choice. Besides, my kids are better behaved than many adults.

I think that's great. My parents took me out a lot, too. And when I do see kids behaving in a restaurant, I'll be the first to acknowledge it and even comment about how great your kids are...

But if there is a choice and you have one nice restaurant that is childfree next to one that is not child free, are you going to be offended? To me that's like someone being offended at sports bars because sports are on and they don't like sports.

I truly don't care, but the restaurant that turns me away with kids will be one I don't come back to with clients. And please, don't come up to me and talk about my kids in a restaurant unless I know you. It's patronizing and rude and my kids don't need your validation. I think the biggest lesson in all of this is people should mind their own business. I do what benefits my family and me and I don't seek or need anyone's permission. If you don't like my kids, tough luck. There are plenty of people whom I find rude and obnoxious and they certainly are not limited to children. I can't change them so I just avoid them.

Wow. You're so friendly, today.

For the record, the people I talked to had a really cool kid that picked my napkin up for me when I dropped it. Jesus Christ, lighten up.

Yea, that came off as way crankier than I intended. I just don't like having meals interrupted and I don't want my kids thinking that they're doing anything unusual when they're behaving

Now that I can understand. I would never interrupt someone's meal. I may smile sometimes though because kids are cute. I was out the other day and a young girl - maybe 5, I don't know - ordered escargot with authority! Color me impressed. I had to laugh a little.

I've taken my kids into nicer restaurants since they were toddlers. I have never had a problem with them or anyone else. Sure, a true Michelin 3-Star no, but kids have too eat too and when I'm traveling there's little choice. Besides, my kids are better behaved than many adults.

I think that's great. My parents took me out a lot, too. And when I do see kids behaving in a restaurant, I'll be the first to acknowledge it and even comment about how great your kids are...

But if there is a choice and you have one nice restaurant that is childfree next to one that is not child free, are you going to be offended? To me that's like someone being offended at sports bars because sports are on and they don't like sports.

I truly don't care, but the restaurant that turns me away with kids will be one I don't come back to with clients. And please, don't come up to me and talk about my kids in a restaurant unless I know you. It's patronizing and rude and my kids don't need your validation. I think the biggest lesson in all of this is people should mind their own business. I do what benefits my family and me and I don't seek or need anyone's permission. If you don't like my kids, tough luck. There are plenty of people whom I find rude and obnoxious and they certainly are not limited to children. I can't change them so I just avoid them.

But... it's just someone complimenting you/your kids. Not trying to be patronizing.

I've had it happen enough where it has become annoying. I don't walk up to you while you're eating and compliment your dress. Obviously, there are normal interactions but don't interrupt a stranger's meal.

ETA: of course, for you, Odus, I might. The thing is my oldest is smart enough to go, "see daddy, we're perfect, can we have two desserts?" when this happens.

Now that I can understand. I would never interrupt someone's meal. I may smile sometimes though because kids are cute. I was out the other day and a young girl - maybe 5, I don't know - ordered escargot with authority! Color me impressed. I had to laugh a little.

Yup. My oldest has been bellying up to sushi bars with us since she was two.

I somehow now feel as though my child is inadequate. LOL

The restaurant ended up spending thousands of dollars to satisfy the family and the whining pubic.

Litigation nation. Where will we go from here?

Child-free restaurants, on the other hand, have a much better opportunity.

If only. There must be some out there? Oh wait. There would be daytime talk shows featuring the controversy, with all the outraged screaming protests and such and I haven't seen any yet. But if such a place exists in the US, maybe someone can make a thread about it?

They are out there and, yes, they received quite the backlash. There are also 18+ hotels/resorts.

About misbehaving kids in restaurants though. Kids, including very small kids, must go to restaurants a lot now? And a lot of them don't seem to want to be there.

Our parents took us to a restaurant once a month. It was McDonald's, Burger King or a place called the Hot Shoppe where you slid your tray along some rails, cafeteria style, and paid at the register before you sat down. We were so elated to order fried chicken or burgers and the coveted desserts we were never allowed at home, misbehaving never crossed out minds! It was a treat beyond treat and we loved and enjoyed every minute of it.

I don't think kids have the same attitudes about dining out anymore, because they seem to be out all the time and it's a drag to them.

I've read through all of the responses. Some are very thoughtful, some interesting, and some downright mean! Really - why would someone respond to a thread about handling tantrums if they don't even LIKE children??? That seems a little odd to me.

I am by no means an expert. My experience comes from personal experience of mothering my little boys as well as running a full-time childcare.

One thing I've seen hinted at by a few people here is temperament. I would like to encourage you first that the fact that your little one is throwing a tantrum does NOT mean you're doing anything wrong. You sound like a wonderful and conscientious mother to me. I think the way you handled your little one was beautiful and very nearly how many other wonderful parents would handle the same behavior. Anyways, back to temperament. If the tantrums seem to be happening very often in the way you described, that would tell me that she is persistent - a go getter. Those qualities will serve her well in adulthood. It's not easy to remember that in the moment when it's causing such a headache for mom, but it's absolutely true! As far as temperament goes, my two little boys are raised in the same family with similar expectations and yet they are very different. My oldest, who is now seven, has thrown one public tantrum in his life. ONE!! And it was when he was 3, nearly 4, to boot. I had taken him to a movie theater for the first time, thinking it would be this wonderful experience. Overall it was. He loved it. But on the way out he threw himself on the floor in the middle of the hall where everyone was exiting the theater because he had to potty and I told him he had to go into the ladies room with mommy instead of the men's room. Oh the horror! Luckily I got more understanding looks than evil eye looks. I was nearly 9 months pregnant with my second too! His body was partially blocking the hallway, so of course there I am all pregnant scooping him off the floor and after we take care of his potty business, in the Ladies room, I then carried my kicking and screaming child to the car. Anyone who saw him in that moment could easily think, "Oh, what a brat!" or "He must usually get what he wants" or "Oh my God. She's having another?" Ha! Not so much! When I planned to take him to his first movie with a friend, my pregnant mom brain didn't put two and two together that maybe during nap time isn't the best time to go and also that my oldest son has a tendency to become overstimulated easily. So put together tiredness with the level of stimulation provided by a movie screen and loud sound for the length of the movie, no wonder he had a meltdown!! Clearly, it was a situation where I didn't set him up for success and I learned from that! He's not had a public fit since. Now one might think I'm saying that if a child is set up for success they won't tantrum in public. Hahaha. Nothing could be further from the truth! Enter child number two. He is now 3 and luckily he's gotten less intense in public than he used to be. He's never been terrible, but definitely one to loudly protest in a store when he's not getting his way. Sometimes, depending on what he wants, I can negotiate. "You can't have these cookies. Do you want some grapes?" Sometimes that's not an option for one reason or another and the answer is just, "No. I'm sorry. I know that makes you sad, but mommy says no" and we move along. He is very persistent. That is his temperament. He threw fits at that age because he's persistent, NOT because he's undisciplined.

Some things that I've found to help are as follows:

Acknowledging feelings and offering empathy. This is something that helps more and more the older a child gets. It may not have an immediate result with an 18 month old, but it's still a great parenting habit to get into! And that is a reminder to myself too. It's really easy to forget in the moment when we're frustrated!

IGNORE any dirty looks. Just ignore them. They are not raising your child. They are intolerant people who either have not raised children or have and have rose colored glasses of their experience of what it was like. You don't need to "control" your child for their convenience. They should be controlling their nastiness and moving along with what they're there to do. These people do not see the sweet hugs and kisses at home or the way your child tried to help you fold the laundry the other day, or whatever. They are making a snap judgement of you and your child based on what they see in the moment and they are not worthy of your time or your consideration.

This is specifically to you. You are a single mom. I'm sure that you have very limited time to get your grocery shopping done. I know people have said to leave immediately and come back and finish up. No way. Finish what you're there to do. You have too many other things on your plate to make multiple trips for one grocery list. Don't make your life harder to convenience people who are intolerant of you and your children.

You are going to have to try different things to see what works. Distraction is great, empathy is great, bringing a snack can be great, ignoring the tantrum can be great, finding a corner to give a hug and let them get it out can be great. I don't think any one thing is right all the time for all kids. What works great for someone else's child may not help at all with your child. Do what feels right for you and your child and feel confident in that. There is no one size fits all solution.

And really, your child is 18 months. She is NOT manipulating. She is not being BAD. What she is doing is developmentally normal for her age. I have a daycare for all of kids in my home five days a week and I can tell you I've NEVER cared for a child of that age who didn't have some sort of negative emotional reaction to not getting what they want. Some cry. Some hide in a corner and sulk. Some stomp up and down. Some throw themselves on the floor. Some shriek at the top of their lungs. Some try to hit. Some carry on for a very long time. Some stomp off and are immediately distracted by a toy. These things come down to temperament.

I won't go on and on about spanking, but since it's been mentioned, there a zillion ways to teach boundaries and help your child to become a productive member of society. Children are helpless and dependent on us for their needs. If we hit an elderly person in a nursing home to teach them and "help" them, it is abuse. I don't believe hitting, or spanking as people call it, is a helpful way to teach anything. Neurologically, when a child is hit, they go into fight or flight mode. They are thinking about the fact that they are being hit, NOT about the lesson they should be learning. It feels very scary to a child. It seems to "work" for those who use it because children stop their behavior because they're scared, NOT because they've internalized any sense of moral character as to who they want to be as people. That being said, there are examples of productive people in our society everywhere of people who were spanked as children. I would argue that there were likely mitigating factors in their home. In other words, there were other things in place that helped them to form a positive relationship with their parents. They turned out well in spite of being spanked, not because they were spanked. Anyways, I won't go on anymore, but since it was already mentioned, those are my thoughts.

Anyways, good luck to you. I think based on everything you've written that you will be fine and your daughter is likely one lucky little girl to have you for a mother!