found my husband on an onlne dating site
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wow...all these counselors and not one certification in their background pictures. I can tell you from experience..broken trust CAN be healed. it takes complete transparency on BOTH sides..and yes..it takes Jesus (I'm certain I'll get feedback from that from those who don't want accountability in their lives). If it fails it's because BOTH parties don't want the same outcome. If it didn't work for YOU...naysayers.....it's because Both of YOU didn't want to focus on fixing the problems that led to it. Good for you to try to do your part lady..in my book, you rock! and if your hubby doesn't want to leave his phone and texts wide open for you to verify his trustworthyness..then he is not worth keeping and don't deserve you.
^^^THIS, THIS, THIS ^^^^^
I speak from exp. When you think all hope is lost and nothing will be the same....hope is not lost! and believe me, it will not be the same but it can be so much better! as long as you both want the same outcome....it will hurt at first but it is worth it to stick it out...it can make your relationship stronger....keep your head up and follow Jesus...he knows what he is doing!
I also speak from experience When I thought all hope was lost and nothing would ever be the same - I ended up being right. It was never the same - even after counseling. It did hurt at first - and it hurt a lot, but it was so worth it to gather my self up, get strong, and learn to be happy and secure again. Were things different? Better than I ever thought. Was I able to heal? Yes, and moved on to find a man that respects me, loves me as I am, and that I can trust.
I followed my gut instincts - they have never let me down.0 -
Get caught cheating, convince your wife it's her fault and she needs to lose weight.
Some guys have all the moves.
Is he truly sorry or just sorry he was caught? Just because he didn't "do" anything doesn't mean he wasn't planning to, wouldn't have jumped at an opportunity or hasn't already and is lying about it. IMHO you deserve someone who loves and most importantly respects you - someone who plans on cheating on you does not respect you. You also don't need to win him back, if anything he needs to win you back. I have seen marriages pull through cheating with A LOT of hard work and I have also seen marriages fail. If you have to watch over him like a small child is it really worth the effort? In the back of your mind every time he runs to the store or logs onto a computer when you're not home you're going to fear what he's doing. You might think stalking him gives you the power, but it doesn't. It will just cause more stress for you and if he wants to cheat, he's going to cheat whether you're checking his records or not.....Spying on him and going through his phone is not going to help fix this. If anything, it could be far more damaging to your marriage. Act like an adult and get thee to marriage counseling! Quick!
Agreed.0 -
I don't give a damn about your marriage.
Work out your daily calorie goals and the rate of loss that you want. Make sure you weigh and measure your food. Weighing and measuring is very important. You'd be amazed, but there are studies that indicate almost everyone, including dietitians, underestimate calories by as much as half of what they actually eat if they don't weigh and measure food.
Consider strength training to retain as much lean mass as possible, and try to do some form of cardio. I like riding my bike, but walking, running, swimming, or one of the many exercise machines at the gym will do great.
Give it time. Weight loss isn't overnight. Slow and steady has a better chance in resulting in long term success.0 -
It is hard situation. If he wants to try something new,there are mostly his problem. But as for you ,it is hard to change his mind. But you can try to figure out ways to improve yourself and improve your relationship. At least it is only a beginning( I hope). If you become more attractive, you have more chances to win him back! Do something, anything that can improve you! Make yourself VALUABLE! Take care of him more !
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I don't give a damn about your marriage.
Work out your daily calorie goals and the rate of loss that you want. Make sure you weigh and measure your food. Weighing and measuring is very important. You'd be amazed, but there are studies that indicate almost everyone, including dietitians, underestimate calories by as much as half of what they actually eat if they don't weigh and measure food.
Consider strength training to retain as much lean mass as possible, and try to do some form of cardio. I like riding my bike, but walking, running, swimming, or one of the many exercise machines at the gym will do great.
Give it time. Weight loss isn't overnight. Slow and steady has a better chance in resulting in long term success.
Although, I still am sorry you're going through this0 -
wow...all these counselors and not one certification in their background pictures. I can tell you from experience..broken trust CAN be healed. it takes complete transparency on BOTH sides..and yes..it takes Jesus (I'm certain I'll get feedback from that from those who don't want accountability in their lives). If it fails it's because BOTH parties don't want the same outcome. If it didn't work for YOU...naysayers.....it's because Both of YOU didn't want to focus on fixing the problems that led to it. Good for you to try to do your part lady..in my book, you rock! and if your hubby doesn't want to leave his phone and texts wide open for you to verify his trustworthyness..then he is not worth keeping and don't deserve you.
So...if it takes Jesus, what happens to anyone who doesn't believe in Jesus?
If they don't believe in Jesus, then they're just going to Hell anyway so nobody cares. :devil:
/snark0 -
Trust is earned . . . when it is lost it is hard to gain back. Don't spin your wheels trying to outsmart him by checking up on him. Then it becomes a game for both of you. I know because I am speaking from experience.
Seek counseling . . . but in the end if BOTH are not in it to win it then it does not matter. I fought for my marriage for years . . . but he did not. It is sad because I really loved my husband.0 -
I am 33 years old and truly in love with my husband. We have had a marriage of 10 years and I plan to make it 75 years but I found out 3 weeks ago that he was on an online dating site and it almost broke my heart to no repair. I have been unhappy with myself for a long time and instead of getting motivated and doing something about it I just sit on my butt. Well that is over now but I need supporting friends and a check and balance system. My husband and I both want to have the marriage we seem to have lost and so we are both working on the issues together but I need friends who are working on losing weight as well.
Nikki
That is horrible.
Your husband's wandering eye is not your fault.
I don't know if he's blaming your weight gain, or if you're blaming your weight gain - but these are HIS bad choices, and that is JUST NOT RIGHT.
Fat people deserve love and fidelity, too. If he was concerned about your weight, or was less attracted to you due to your weight, then he owed it to you to be up front with you. Honesty. It would have hurt.
Now, how can you ever trust him again?0 -
I also found my ex husband on an online dating site. We tried to move on, but I just couldn't trust him after that, and it was over.0
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Good for you getting in shape if its on your terms and for your own benefit. That said, as someone who has cheated in the past it's never really about the other partner. A lot of time it's the chase and the feeling of being desired by other people.
I think if he is flipping this around to something about your weight than he is diverting from the real issues. I would love to see you both work this out because I am an eternal romantic and I do think it can be done. Just realize it will be very hard and the odds are not in your favor. In the end do what makes you happy. If you wanna lose weight do it. if you are content w/ your body now keep it. Only you know what makes you happy.
P.S. I would love to know what HE is doing to work on his issues as well.0 -
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I'm not going to venture any opinions on your personal life, aint my business, but I'd be happy to be your friend on MFP if you want weight loss encouragement. I'm a 35 year old mother of 2 who has lost about 31lbs and has another 45 or so to go. Send me a friend request if you like.
ME too!0 -
I am 33 years old and truly in love with my husband. We have had a marriage of 10 years and I plan to make it 75 years but I found out 3 weeks ago that he was on an online dating site and it almost broke my heart to no repair. I have been unhappy with myself for a long time and instead of getting motivated and doing something about it I just sit on my butt. Well that is over now but I need supporting friends and a check and balance system. My husband and I both want to have the marriage we seem to have lost and so we are both working on the issues together but I need friends who are working on losing weight as well.
Nikki
That is horrible.
Your husband's wandering eye is not your fault.
I don't know if he's blaming your weight gain, or if you're blaming your weight gain - but these are HIS bad choices, and that is JUST NOT RIGHT.
Fat people deserve love and fidelity, too. If he was concerned about your weight, or was less attracted to you due to your weight, then he owed it to you to be up front with you. Honesty. It would have hurt.
Now, how can you ever trust him again?
I have to wonder...
How did she look when they first got married??0 -
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I don't give a damn about your marriage.
whoa, kinda cold there, dont ya think?
This lady is in dire straits and thats all you have to say? Show some compassion, ...........geez0 -
I don't give a damn about your marriage.
Work out your daily calorie goals and the rate of loss that you want. Make sure you weigh and measure your food. Weighing and measuring is very important. You'd be amazed, but there are studies that indicate almost everyone, including dietitians, underestimate calories by as much as half of what they actually eat if they don't weigh and measure food.
Consider strength training to retain as much lean mass as possible, and try to do some form of cardio. I like riding my bike, but walking, running, swimming, or one of the many exercise machines at the gym will do great.
Give it time. Weight loss isn't overnight. Slow and steady has a better chance in resulting in long term success.
You, I like you.0 -
OP, I do believe the general consensus is that your healthy should not be tied to your husband's happiness and fidelity. For what it's worth, imo you should kick the sucker out, get into crazy good shape, and live your life for you.0
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also, OP, that same thing happened to me - found the ex on a dating site and I was in the middle of training for a bikini competition, so weight loss needed or not, its not your issue. It's his. He's an *kitten*. I really do sympathize with you and hope things work out the best for you and your kids.0
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wow...all these counselors and not one certification in their background pictures. I can tell you from experience..broken trust CAN be healed. it takes complete transparency on BOTH sides..and yes..it takes Jesus (I'm certain I'll get feedback from that from those who don't want accountability in their lives). If it fails it's because BOTH parties don't want the same outcome. If it didn't work for YOU...naysayers.....it's because Both of YOU didn't want to focus on fixing the problems that led to it. Good for you to try to do your part lady..in my book, you rock! and if your hubby doesn't want to leave his phone and texts wide open for you to verify his trustworthyness..then he is not worth keeping and don't deserve you.
But she isn't working on rebuilding the trust or having it be healed....
She is "secretly" spying on on him.....that is not how trust is rebuilt or healed.....
I mean, what is his thoughts overall?
Does he even want to be in the relationship anymore?
exactly! this isn't like he went out, got drunk, and rolled around with the bartender.
he made a conscious decision to go online. find a dating website (not hard to do, i know). he made a profile. he put up pictures. he started talking to ppl on there. he decided a hundred times to cheat. he ACTIVELY PURSUED this.
i don't think he wants to be married anymore.0 -
wow...all these counselors and not one certification in their background pictures. I can tell you from experience..broken trust CAN be healed. it takes complete transparency on BOTH sides..and yes..it takes Jesus (I'm certain I'll get feedback from that from those who don't want accountability in their lives). If it fails it's because BOTH parties don't want the same outcome. If it didn't work for YOU...naysayers.....it's because Both of YOU didn't want to focus on fixing the problems that led to it. Good for you to try to do your part lady..in my book, you rock! and if your hubby doesn't want to leave his phone and texts wide open for you to verify his trustworthyness..then he is not worth keeping and don't deserve you.
But she isn't working on rebuilding the trust or having it be healed....
She is "secretly" spying on on him.....that is not how trust is rebuilt or healed.....
I mean, what is his thoughts overall?
Does he even want to be in the relationship anymore?
exactly! this isn't like he went out, got drunk, and rolled around with the bartender.
he made a conscious decision to go online. find a dating website (not hard to do, i know). he made a profile. he put up pictures. he started talking to ppl on there. he decided a hundred times to cheat. he ACTIVELY PURSUED this.
i don't think he wants to be married anymore.
or, he wants a Sancha??0 -
.....and yes..it takes Jesus (I'm certain I'll get feedback from that from those who don't want accountability in their lives).....
Well there you go... I'm sure Jesus will fix this right up.
Omg. I nearly spit out my h20 lol0 -
Just curious, how did you find him? Were you poking around the dating website and you just happened to stumble on his profile? Or did he maybe leave evidence up on your computer? Or did a friend find him and send you a link?
Personally, I wouldn't put up with cheating, period. Even if I were with him 10 or 20 or 100 years, if he cheats, then he clearly didn't value all that time and history. Good luck to you in trying to work it out.
Meanwhile, here's a good place to start with the fitness:
http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1080242-a-guide-to-get-you-started-on-your-path-to-sexypants0 -
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I'm not saying this is the case, and you didn't tell us about the confrontation, or if he denied it, but is it at all possible that someone stole his online identity (Catfishing) I know it's a super remote possibility but it has happened.
I also want to know if he was just window shopping or if he had made actual contact with other women. There is a big difference to me.
Wut? How is that different?
You don't think one is going to lead to the other?
Honestly...
When I think about breaking up I go on the dating site, and within about 15 minutes have an absolutely rejuvenated goal to work on the issues on our relationship, be thankful for the partner I have, think that my man is the greatest thing to ever walk on the earth, and never want to be single again.
So one doesn't necessarily lead to the other.
Dating sites can be terrifying, and nothing reminds you of what singles life was like the way 15 minutes on OKCupid can.
Dating sites scare me away from my feelings of wanting to break up, so maybe they are doing the same for OP's man?0 -
.....and yes..it takes Jesus (I'm certain I'll get feedback from that from those who don't want accountability in their lives).....
I can't see the pic posted above so this might be a duplicate :sad:
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[/img]0 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I am amazed how quickly people judge and seem to have the answer without even knowing the full story. There's lots of bad advice here.0
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I'm not saying this is the case, and you didn't tell us about the confrontation, or if he denied it, but is it at all possible that someone stole his online identity (Catfishing) I know it's a super remote possibility but it has happened.
I also want to know if he was just window shopping or if he had made actual contact with other women. There is a big difference to me.
Wut? How is that different?
You don't think one is going to lead to the other?
Honestly...
When I think about breaking up I go on the dating site, and within about 15 minutes have an absolutely rejuvenated goal to work on the issues on our relationship, be thankful for the partner I have, think that my man is the greatest thing to ever walk on the earth, and never want to be single again.
So one doesn't necessarily lead to the other.
Dating sites can be terrifying, and nothing reminds you of what singles life was like the way 15 minutes on OKCupid can.
Dating sites scare me away from my feelings of wanting to break up, so maybe they are doing the same for OP's man?
Yeah....
Maybe women are more apt to do this...but a dude? Not buying it.0 -
wow...all these counselors and not one certification in their background pictures. I can tell you from experience..broken trust CAN be healed. it takes complete transparency on BOTH sides..and yes..it takes Jesus (I'm certain I'll get feedback from that from those who don't want accountability in their lives). If it fails it's because BOTH parties don't want the same outcome. If it didn't work for YOU...naysayers.....it's because Both of YOU didn't want to focus on fixing the problems that led to it. Good for you to try to do your part lady..in my book, you rock! and if your hubby doesn't want to leave his phone and texts wide open for you to verify his trustworthyness..then he is not worth keeping and don't deserve you.
^^^THIS, THIS, THIS ^^^^^
I speak from exp. When you think all hope is lost and nothing will be the same....hope is not lost! and believe me, it will not be the same but it can be so much better! as long as you both want the same outcome....it will hurt at first but it is worth it to stick it out...it can make your relationship stronger....keep your head up and follow Jesus...he knows what he is doing!
None of you love Jesus any more than I do. But Her husband wasnt checking in when Jesus when he logged into the DATING SITE. He didnt accidentally tap the join and find locals in your area. So dont even try it
All I am saying is that if she does want to work things out it is possible...whatever situation she is in it is HER choice and if she decides that she loves him and wants to make it work then it is possible! I don't know her life or her relationship or anything else about her...all I know is what she posted...and she said they are working on issues together....just letting her know it is possible to make things work if that's what she wants....I am not telling her what to do or anything...just giving her a little insight on what worked for me....and yes you are right he didn't check in with JESUS when he logged into the dating site....ALL THE MORE REASON TO CHECK IN WITH HIM NOW!0 -
I'm not saying this is the case, and you didn't tell us about the confrontation, or if he denied it, but is it at all possible that someone stole his online identity (Catfishing) I know it's a super remote possibility but it has happened.
I also want to know if he was just window shopping or if he had made actual contact with other women. There is a big difference to me.
Wut? How is that different?
You don't think one is going to lead to the other?
Honestly...
When I think about breaking up I go on the dating site, and within about 15 minutes have an absolutely rejuvenated goal to work on the issues on our relationship, be thankful for the partner I have, think that my man is the greatest thing to ever walk on the earth, and never want to be single again.
So one doesn't necessarily lead to the other.
Dating sites can be terrifying, and nothing reminds you of what singles life was like the way 15 minutes on OKCupid can.
Dating sites scare me away from my feelings of wanting to break up, so maybe they are doing the same for OP's man?
there's a difference between dating and being married for 10 years, I think.0 -
I don't give a damn about your marriage.
Work out your daily calorie goals and the rate of loss that you want. Make sure you weigh and measure your food. Weighing and measuring is very important. You'd be amazed, but there are studies that indicate almost everyone, including dietitians, underestimate calories by as much as half of what they actually eat if they don't weigh and measure food.
Consider strength training to retain as much lean mass as possible, and try to do some form of cardio. I like riding my bike, but walking, running, swimming, or one of the many exercise machines at the gym will do great.
Give it time. Weight loss isn't overnight. Slow and steady has a better chance in resulting in long term success.
No seriously, this.
You'd be amazed at the self esteem and empowerment that come from achieving your goals -- the small ones you set along the way to reaching your big ones.
It will help you get a healthy dose of perspective to deal with whatever is happening with your relationship. Srs.0
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