found my husband on an onlne dating site
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Get caught cheating, convince your wife it's her fault and she needs to lose weight.
Some guys have all the moves.
DAMON!!
seriously though I don't think I could stay with him after that.0 -
I'm really sorry that you're going through this. My only advice would be to do it for YOURSELF. Not for him, not for revenge etc. Do a little soul searching and find out what you really want. Then make a plan and do it. As always it's easier said than done but you are capable of making whatever changes you want. This is my first time losing weight for myself and its the most successful I've ever been. It feels awesome and is great for my self worth. Good luck!0
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Nikki sorry your hurting and hope you both can work through whatever issues it is in your relationship.
x0 -
maybe the OP is in a happy relationship, but secretly, hes seeking some new action.......if he provides a good home life./food/schooling , etc and is supportive of the children, maybe she can work on it
again, I dont know her circumstances , but I agree, if its a failed marriage, it will only get worse...been there too,
but remember the pain and hurt the little children will have to go thru..........I hope she tries counselling and talks to him about the situation.....again, I really feel for her children
When divorce is handled the right way, it reduces the stress on the children.
My parents got divorced. They handled it the right way. They are still amicable and friendly to one another. I have an amazing relationship with both parents, and learned to value the alone time I have separately with each parent. Everyone else I know who has divorced parents are in a similar boat. Staying together for the sake of children is worse, and so is trying to work out something that is unfixable. A failed marriage is not the end of the world for children or the parents.
Staying together in a dysfunctional relationship just gives your kids a bad example of what a relationship should look like. They're going to grow up to be in unhappy relationships and think that is what's normal. Or to think that the only way they are worthy of love is if they have a perfect body.0 -
Get caught cheating, convince your wife it's her fault and she needs to lose weight.
Some guys have all the moves.
DAMON!!
seriously though I don't think I could stay with him after that.
All we have is one side. There is always two sides to every story.0 -
LOLGet caught cheating, convince your wife it's her fault and she needs to lose weight.
Some guys have all the moves.
Almost choked laughing at this!0 -
my former (deceased) husband had cheated on me also but we had no more children in the house. I was devastated however
I was a practicing Christian & knew with God all things are possible especially forgiveness. Complete trust took several years but it eventually came & last ten years of his life as my husband were worth forgiving him.
Pretty sure the bible is against adultery.
Yeah it's on God's Top 10 don't do list.
I'm pretty sure it also says something about slaves obeying their masters
It doesn't say anything about slaves and masters in the 10 Commandments. It does specifically say thou shall not commit adultry.
*takes red pen and puts a big x through everything but the 10 Commandments*
Now, let's discuss all those wars your god supported in the bible and square that with though shall not kill. I have yet to find Just War Theory in Exodus or Deuteronomy.0 -
Get caught cheating, convince your wife it's her fault and she needs to lose weight.
Some guys have all the moves.
DAMON!!
seriously though I don't think I could stay with him after that.
All we have is one side. There is always two sides to every story.
There are 3 sides-- his, hers and the truth and all vary ever so slightly, or sometimes, a lot.0 -
Get caught cheating, convince your wife it's her fault and she needs to lose weight.
Some guys have all the moves.
DAMON!!
seriously though I don't think I could stay with him after that.
All we have is one side. There is always two sides to every story.
We don't need to hear his side to be supportive. She's clearly distressed; she's clearly been hurt.0 -
I'm not going to venture any opinions on your personal life, aint my business, but I'd be happy to be your friend on MFP if you want weight loss encouragement. I'm a 35 year old mother of 2 who has lost about 31lbs and has another 45 or so to go. Send me a friend request if you like.
no judgments or opinions on your personal life from me either. I will be your fitness pal though, send me a request if you would like. I know I could use the support also!0 -
Add me if you want. I know from experience that it is entirely possible to move beyond cheating in a marriage. It surely isn't easy, but is definitely worth doing if both parties truly love each other and hold value in the relationship. You are a good wife for wanting to forgive him. Everyone makes mistakes. We are all human, and to condemn someone forever out of your life over one mistake is cruel, especially if there is real love there between you two. Circumstances can alter our decisions, and if your husband was unhappy or unsatisfied either emotionally, intellectually, or sexually, it's hard to resist getting those needs fulfilled by someone who is willing to fulfill them without expecting something in return. That does not excuse his behavior, but it does not make him evil, either. He obviously loves you or he wouldn't have stayed, and he wouldn't be trying to repair the relationship.
I think it would be smart to keep tabs on him, and he should be perfectly fine with it if you do - but I also think he and you should both be on the same page with that. A transparent relationship is the best kind, especially when you've already broken your S.O.'s trust. Everyone should be entitled to some privacy, yes, but i.m.o., he lost that entitlement when he broke his vows to you.
Good luck with everything... I hope he is truly and wholly committed to your marriage and repairing the broken trust between you. You sound like a very giving, caring woman and you deserve nothing less.0 -
Get caught cheating, convince your wife it's her fault and she needs to lose weight.
Some guys have all the moves.
DAMON!!
seriously though I don't think I could stay with him after that.
All we have is one side. There is always two sides to every story.
There are 3 sides-- his, hers and the truth and all vary ever so slightly, or sometimes, a lot.
Don't forget Jesus0 -
Get caught cheating, convince your wife it's her fault and she needs to lose weight.
Some guys have all the moves.
DAMON!!
seriously though I don't think I could stay with him after that.
All we have is one side. There is always two sides to every story.
There are 3 sides-- his, hers and the truth and all vary ever so slightly, or sometimes, a lot.
Don't forget Jesus
BAHAHAHA!!!
I'm personally just happy for all the dancing Damons,...so don't leave him out, that's 5 now...0 -
Ok, there's a lot of Jesus talk in this thread. But why has no one considered the strength and compassion offered by the Flying Spaghetti Monster?
(I think this thread is going to roll as well...garlic roll)
R'AMEN!0 -
Ok, there's a lot of Jesus talk in this thread. But why has no one considered the strength and compassion offered by the Flying Spaghetti Monster?
(I think this thread is going to roll as well...garlic roll)
R'AMEN!
I think I stopped breathing for a minute.
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0 -
This is a sad sad situation, if you two are able to work it out snaps to you. You are a better woman than me. I would have kicked him to the curb. Now that being said I want to know how does one find out about one's partner being on a dating site unless that person goes to the dating site.....0
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Before this thread gets closed because of all of the Jesus-hate, I wanted to throw my opinion into the mix.
I really don't think that every situation is black and white. If you and your husband have come to an agreement where you are both working on the relationship, then I say go for it. The whole "once a cheater always a cheater" is a blanket statement and can be completely false in some cases. My grandpa has been married 3 different times... 1-- he cheated on her multiple times, 2-- he was faithful and she cheated on him.. 3-- they are still together-- no cheating. I think that people can change-- if they are willing... people change all the time.. we are ever-changing. Forgiveness=/= trust. You can forgive him and him still have to build up your trust again-- people do this starting out in relationships all the time.
I also think its wise to work on yourself too-- but not just because of your husband but because I think that we can all stand to look in the mirror and work on things in ourselves that could be better.0 -
How old are your kids? When I was a teen, my mom started having online relationships with guys. I'm not going to get into it, but she actually ended up telling me things about them, trying to turn me against my dad (which she had already been doing for awhile because she wants me to like her better-she has some problems), and using me to get out of work early so she could go into chat rooms/have private chats/call these dudes. Eventually she ended up physically cheating with one of them. We live in Texas and he lived in New York, so this took a lot of work and some really thorough lying on her part.
Anyway, all of the physical cheating and a lot of the hard-core phone/internet cheating happened AFTER I told my dad what had been going on, which was about 5-6 months after it all started. My dad confronted her but is all crazy into religion and decided against divorce.
Our whole family had issues dealing with the fallout. (Technically, the whole drama stretched on several years after that because even after she came home from NY she kept leaving town for weeks at a time to just "be by herself," which no one believed but my dad just let it go.)
Now my parents are completely back together and pretend to have a perfect marriage, going on about how they've been married for 31 years and still love each other and blah blah blah. I have a low tolerance for that BS. Seriously. Many a family holiday/get together has been ruined because my mom likes to brag about her marriage or whatever. Or say things like "what have I ever done to your daddy." I swear I almost stabbed her hand with a fork when she said that.
All of the cheating behavior started when I was 15. I got married at 20, and she was still running off at that time. I have issues dealing with how her actions could impact my behavior. I'm really paranoid. I almost got plastic surgery because some of my facial expressions look like hers and it makes me crazy. I just see it and I remember the things she did and said to me and it makes me feel like I'm like her even though I'm not.
My brother won't even date anyone. He is 27. He doesn't date. He doesn't want to date. He doesn't trust women. He's decided that he never wants a relationship with anyone and that he doesn't want to bring any kids into this world. (Just in case you're wondering, no he's not gay.)
I'm petrified of having children. We're both pretty messed up. (To be fair, more happened than just the affair/leaving.)
Meanwhile, my parents like to pretend that everything is so perfect and that our family is so perfect. They go to church all of the time and my dad is a pastor (for real). Guess who never has to go to church again? My brother and me. Guess who begrudgingly goes to holiday crap? My brother and me. (Actually, my brother is usually "sick" on mother's day even though we both get free food because my parents pay for dinner.)
So at this point my parents are still married. They fight all of the time but claim its actually better now. I have not seen evidence of that. They lie to their friends and almost never see their daughter (my brother works for my dad. They're both miserable and fight constantly). They buy us presents and meals to get us to come over there. I usually end up leaving in tears. This past Christmas I had a total and complete meltdown on the drive home from their house. The last two times I've gone to dinner with them have been better. I've been getting closer to my dad, and I've really been focused on being less angry toward my mom.
My dad is actually a nice guy. I feel really bad for him. It took me a long time to let go of the things my mom told me about him and to get over the fact that he has some sexist views on how I should be treated compared with my brother. He also prefers my brother over me.
I'm just saying that staying in the marriage is not necessarily the best thing for your kids. Normally I'm pro-marriage, but kids aren't dumb. It's hard to let go of the truth even when your parents want to forget it.0 -
I never clicked onto this thread b/c I assumed it was about "finding" your husband "through" an online dating site. Not about catching your DH "looking" for a new spouse.
MFP, never change.0 -
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wow...all these counselors and not one certification in their background pictures. I can tell you from experience..broken trust CAN be healed. it takes complete transparency on BOTH sides..and yes..it takes Jesus (I'm certain I'll get feedback from that from those who don't want accountability in their lives). If it fails it's because BOTH parties don't want the same outcome. If it didn't work for YOU...naysayers.....it's because Both of YOU didn't want to focus on fixing the problems that led to it. Good for you to try to do your part lady..in my book, you rock! and if your hubby doesn't want to leave his phone and texts wide open for you to verify his trustworthyness..then he is not worth keeping and don't deserve you.
Let me guess.. you were the one in the wrong
:laugh:
exactly what I was thinking!0 -
We have a lot of history not all good but more good than bad and I don't want to lose my husband I think we were both too wrapped up in the kids and life in general and not giving each other enough attention and not all the bad in the past 10 years have been his fault so I will forgive and forget but not again and secretly I check the online cell phone accounts and know his every move lol until I can trust again.
Just.
Wow.
Until you've been in her shoes, it's easy to make a comment like this. The peanut gallery has all kinds of advice, and the "well I'd leave his sorry *kitten*!" or "I wouldn't do this" or "I wouldn't do that!" but the fact of the matter is, none of us know what we would or wouldn't do until we're faced with it ourselves. When trust is broken with someone you love, and you're absolutely blindsided by something, who's to say what you would do? Am I going to say this is healthy? No, but can I understand it, absolutely. If put in the same situation, I don't know that I wouldn't do the same thing.
For the OP, once trust is broken, it takes a long time to repair. I hope that you and your husband, both, put in the effort to work on your marriage, and repairing that trust. Keep the lines of communication open-- that's the biggest thing you can possibly do for yourself, and your marriage. If need be, don't be afraid to seek counseling. There's no shame in this.
As far as getting in shape and losing weight- do this for you, and your health, not because you think that's why your husband was on a dating site. If that's the only reason you're doing it, you may end up with a disaster on your hands. Love yourself, and know that you deserve the best in life, that being healthy is a gift you're giving yourself, and it's not about anyone else, it's about you, the rest will follow. Best wishes.0 -
It is hard situation. If he wants to try something new,there are mostly his problem. But as for you ,it is hard to change his mind. But you can try to figure out ways to improve yourself and improve your relationship. At least it is only a beginning( I hope). If you become more attractive, you have more chances to win him back! Do something, anything that can improve you! Make yourself VALUABLE! Take care of him more !
POPPYCOCK
I agree. Poppycock!0 -
Been there & done that myself. Just hang in there and, above all, trust your own instincts!!!!!! This is so important - only you will know what is really right for yourself - everyone around you will be offering advice as they did with me, I listened politely and, in the end, made my own decisions and have never regretted them.
My sister also saw her marriage slipping away so she and her husband made a hard and fast rule that they have a date night or date afternoon EVERY week without fail - 20 years later that are still married and the best of friends. One other piece of advice - DO NOT USE FOOD FOR COMFORT! Thi is so easy to do and will only make you more miserable in the end.
Good luck, best wishes and PLEASE TRUST YOURSELF!
Helen0 -
Hon my first question is WTH were you doing on the online dating service to begin with? There is more to this than 'my husband is on an online dating service & I’m monitoring his every move'. Is he into porn and this is his way of making it okay? Is he really cheating or thinking of it? Are you cheating or thinking of it? I suggest turning it over to Jesus ~ yes He can heal broken marriages ~ and visit a good Christian marriage counselor, preferably one of the same faith you practice as a couple, as individuals and perhaps with the children if they are old enough to know what is going on. If you need to lose weight do it for the right reasons – your health and your children. They need you and they need a healthy Mom. If you are doing it for him – it won’t work.
NEVER drag your children into your fights & distrust & infidelity. Trust can be re-earned, marriages can be healed but it takes work on both partners sides of the fence. Get up, dust yourself off and be your own person to the best of your ability. Be wary, be leary of his actions but not accusatory and don’t dog him or throw his misgivings in his face because that is not forgiveness.
I'm seriously praying for you, your husband and your children. See I've been the wife with the cheating husband and a small child at home. It isn't easy but I did the best I could. Mine didn't work because he didn't want to give up his freedom and I later met & married a wonderful man. If you both honestly want to work on making your marriage work it is going to have to be 100% ~ 100%. Blending two personalities into one is hard work but it is so worth it in the end.
My heart, thoughts & prayers are with you.0 -
Before this thread gets closed because of all of the Jesus-hate, I wanted to throw my opinion into the mix.
I really don't think that every situation is black and white. If you and your husband have come to an agreement where you are both working on the relationship, then I say go for it. The whole "once a cheater always a cheater" is a blanket statement and can be completely false in some cases. My grandpa has been married 3 different times... 1-- he cheated on her multiple times, 2-- he was faithful and she cheated on him.. 3-- they are still together-- no cheating. I think that people can change-- if they are willing... people change all the time.. we are ever-changing. Forgiveness=/= trust. You can forgive him and him still have to build up your trust again-- people do this starting out in relationships all the time.
I also think its wise to work on yourself too-- but not just because of your husband but because I think that we can all stand to look in the mirror and work on things in ourselves that could be better.
Back up the truck. Your Grandpa doesn't cheat anymore? Could age have anything to do with this?? Just asking.
Once a cheater, always a cheater. Period.0 -
Ok, there's a lot of Jesus talk in this thread. But why has no one considered the strength and compassion offered by the Flying Spaghetti Monster?
(I think this thread is going to roll as well...garlic roll)
R'AMEN!
Too perfect.0 -
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This discussion has been closed.
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