Rudeness of a total stranger!

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Replies

  • Archerychickge
    Archerychickge Posts: 606 Member
    I think he was well intentioned, but it was handled poorly on his part.

    I think I would have also said "I appreciate your offer, but I have already started a program of my own choosing and am already seeing results."

    And left it at that.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,228 Member
    Be glad he was trying to help.

    When I first started losing, I had a problem with a man who was verbally assaulting my child for running into his kid at the pool. He turned his verbal lashing of her to me and called me "big mama." I was down 18 lbs at the time and completely crushed by the incident.
  • deluxmary2000
    deluxmary2000 Posts: 981 Member
    I guess it was rather rude but he could have been trying to be helpful and phrased it rather awkwardly.

    As a newbie at various sports over my life I've had a number of people want to "adopt me" to help me on my way. Some of them have been rough around the edges lets say but they have been well intentioned.

    A few people have made comments like this. I think the analogy fails because he SINGLED HER OUT of a whole group of people. He made assumptions based on her appearance that she wasn't already taking steps to improve herself, or that she even WANTED to lose weight.
    It would be different if someone were at a gym and using a piece of equipment incorrectly, or struggling with a sport, or something like that. Not to speak for the OP, but I think in that case it becomes much less rude to offer help or advice.
  • MegE_N
    MegE_N Posts: 245 Member
    I think there are two sides to every story. Yes, he could have handled his approach very differently. He humiliated you publicly. You are working hard and doing the right things for you. However, you don't know his story either. Perhaps with all the obesity stories and shows in the media, he really felt inspired to try to find someone to help. He could have worded things differently, but maybe you're the first person he tried to help, and maybe he's cringing inside thinking of how he went about it the wrong way this first time and how he'll do things differently next time. Perhaps he saw what you were eating, and thought "at least you're already trying, so now let's take the next step". Don't judge too harshly; you don't know where he's coming from either.

    If the guy didn't want to be perceived as rude, he shouldn't have done a rude thing - no matter his intentions or childhood history.
  • srslybritt
    srslybritt Posts: 1,618 Member
    This was rude.

    She didn't ask for his help. He gave her unsolicited advice. How does he decide who should get his advice and who shouldn't? Does he stop every person he perceives as fat and offer them the same thing?

    Further, to approach her in a group and call her out for needing to go to the gym is just absolutely unbelievable. Rude, hurtful, presumptive... If he had a shred of common sense or decency, he would have known that.
  • twinteensmom
    twinteensmom Posts: 371 Member
    Why does your profile say your 36, yet you mention in 38 years of life? Skeptical cat is skeptical.

    Probably for the same reason my screen name is Twinteensmom and my twins are 21 and no longer teenagers. Time marches on!
  • jupe314
    jupe314 Posts: 1
    Wait...what? Nowhere did she say anything about anything being free, nor did he tell her he was a trainer who would forgo his normal fee. Not only was he thoughtless in what he said but that whole scenario just sounds "off". Not only rude, but incredibly creepy.
  • msf74
    msf74 Posts: 3,498 Member
    I think the analogy fails because he SINGLED HER OUT of a whole group of people. He made assumptions based on her appearance that she wasn't already taking steps to improve herself, or that she even WANTED to lose weight.

    Maybe he found her attractive and her problem was that they weren't dating so he was using the "you should let me take you to the gym" as a little segue into that play.

    Is that an assumption? Sure. Is what you are thinking an assumption? Sure.

    Seems to me if I can choose between a negative and a positive view of events in my life where I have incomplete information to make a truly accurate assessment then I will choose the positive...
  • Asherah29
    Asherah29 Posts: 354 Member
    And OP, I think the guy could have been more tactful, but I think his heart was in the right place.

    As someone who has lost a bit of weight, I occasionally want to reach out to people that I see that are just like I was - I don't think I'd ever do it, but it's crossed my mind.

    I agree with this. The delivery was wrong. The idea of going up and saying that to someone you don't know is wrong, but he was genuinely attempting to help you, though misguidedly. He showed concern for you, even if it was none of his business to do so. So while I don't agree with what he did, maybe instead of focusing on the negative side of this encounter you should focus on the positive. A stranger saw something in you that was worthwhile and worthy and they (albeit poorly) wanted to help you in being the best person you can be. It is of course, your decision on how to be that best person and none of his. But when you look at it in a positive light you can see his motivation as well - which does not necessarily have to be malicious in nature.
  • cdoesthehula
    cdoesthehula Posts: 141 Member
    I think it could have been a really clumsy attempt at seduction.

    I would have laughed at him.
  • 415sarahb
    415sarahb Posts: 5
    What an awful and embarrassing situation... can we take the sting out of it by sharing embarrassing moments forced on us by total strangers? Because EVERYONE has them:
    - like the time a good friend of mine (who is in fact one of the skinniest people I have ever met) went to a high school reunion and was having a 'bloated stomach' day (yes, even thin people get these), and a former boyfriend rushed across the room to congratulate her on her non-existent pregnancy...
    - or the time my best friend was on a third date with a guy she REALLY liked and they were ordering their meal (fish) in a restaurant when an older woman at the next table leaned over and exclaimed "Oh no, women of childbearing age shouldn't order that fish because of the mercury in it, you know!"
    - or the many, many countless times when I was six months pregnant and strangers would comment kindly in public: "Oh, you must be due any day now". (No, not anywhere near, but thanks for making me feel like a heifer and creating anxiety about the size of my baby).
  • runner475
    runner475 Posts: 1,236 Member
    what did he say that was rude?


    Really? You don't think that approaching a stranger to point out their weight problem is rude? Where I come from - very rude!!!

    Does your church ever go around offering to "help" nonbelievers with their "problem?" Do you consider that rude?

    After this comment I would have to say "Amen"

    Church people do make life hell knocking on door and wanting to "HELP ME".

    OP, I'm wondering have you or the Church you believe in ever went around trying to help people revisit their belief.

    If yes, Karma is a beautch. What goes around comes around.

    Above posters comment hit me so hard b'coz jus' this Sunday they flocked in wanting to "Help Me" and I kept saying "Nope". And then the lady wanted to know "What was that I believe in"
  • msmichelelynn
    msmichelelynn Posts: 15
    I have no doubts that the stranger meant well, but the approach was very crude, embarrassing and hurtful. If someone had pulled me to the side with this approach and it was one-on-one, it may have been taken completely differently, but to do this at a table full of my peers would have made me, personally, feel completely humiliated. I really do try to find the best in people and sometimes people don't stop to think before they act.

    I'm super sorry that you had to go through that.
  • LifeWithPie
    LifeWithPie Posts: 552 Member
    I'd punch him in the throat.

    It's got nothing to do with the weight issue, and everything to do with the rudeness issue. I can't abide rude people.

    Ok........
  • BramageOMG
    BramageOMG Posts: 319 Member
    Rude? Probably.. But it could also be motivational. You are on the right path: You want to lose weight. If you put in the effort, it will happen, and you will see results. If you half-*kitten* your attempt not so much. You should have said: Sure, when can we meet up :)
  • JustFindingMe
    JustFindingMe Posts: 390 Member
    The fact he said you had a "problem" ...eeesh how tactless and embarrassing.
  • sweetpea03b
    sweetpea03b Posts: 1,123 Member
    Wow. How rude. Honestly... anytime I see someone that is overweight and they are eating say Subway instead of 5 items from the McDonalds $1 menu I think to myself "well good for them". Either way I wouldn't feel compelled to go a "help them" with their problem. But... you know what? You can't let it get you down and you gotta keep on trucking. You're working hard and it sounds like you've got a plan so that's all that matters. Haters gonna hate! ;)
  • _saphyre_
    _saphyre_ Posts: 3
    Wow! That is EXTREMELY rude and that dude needs to mind his own business! *sends hugs* try not to let it get to you :(
  • Jaywalker_7
    Jaywalker_7 Posts: 68 Member
    I'm sorry that happened to you. I can't take away the sting, but misery loves company right? I used to take care of an elderly woman with severe Alzheimer's disease. She used to ask me approximately every 15 minutes if I had to special order all of my clothing or drive really far for them. She said it with disgust. She was stuck in about 1940, so people were obviously much skinnier and their weren't "plus sizes" like there are today. She asked me questions all day like I was literally a circus freak. I've made a little goal for myself to compliment strangers when I think something positive (and appropriate of course) in my head. I think comments from strangers can be more powerful because they're not usually biased from knowing us. Not that that's the right way to feel, but I know I feel that way sometimes. So I try to compliment someone on their hair or their great style or something along those lines. Maybe it'll bring someone up when they're having a bad day. As for the person who confronted you...I would've been furious and probably said something like "**GASP** I'm overweight?!!? I had no idea..."
  • Annie_01
    Annie_01 Posts: 3,096 Member
    what did he say that was rude?

    Really? You don't think that approaching a stranger to point out their weight problem is rude? Where I come from - very rude!!!

    Agreed you don't just approach some complete stranger in public and point something like that out. Honest private criticism from a friend is one thing but all what he was doing will do is humiliate people.

    And good luck OP. I know it can be slow sometimes. But just keep trying things till you find a lifestyle that works for you.

    he offered to help, he didnt point and shout 'fatty'... misguided yes, but hardly the worst thing someone could say!

    So if this guy wasn't rude...how about if...someone walked up to you...a total stranger...and said..."Let me help you with your attitude...how to be kind to others...how to show compassion."

    Would you be insulted???

    Problem some people have is learning their boundaries...if you need help with that...just let me know.

    I know my response to you is rude...however...I thought that you needed help in learning what is appropriate in life...and what is not.
  • Katiegirl1970
    Katiegirl1970 Posts: 17 Member
    Of course that was RUDE..I bet your coworkers did know you were humiliated, I would be sensitive enough to know that such an odd thing would hurt someones feelings.

    The good side is MOST people are not that rude. And while he appeared trying to be helpful, there is a tactful way to help anyone, and one rule is to know that many people can be offended by the idea of others thinking/knowing they need help.

    Had this stranger walked up to your group and handed out a business card then said he would love to help ANYONE who needed motivation and tips--then it would of been classified as a good thing. His delivery was *kitten* and while he probably meant well he should of known better.

    Dont stress it no more than you already have. People do rude things all the time, unfortunately you was recipient of this one.

    I think you handled yourself like a professional and out of all you wrote, thats what sticks with me.

    Good job!
  • Archon2
    Archon2 Posts: 462 Member
    Wow.

    Either the guy was socially clueless, but genuinely wanted to help or he had some ulterior motive, which is I think likely.

    I bet he found the OP attractive and/or interesting and this was his stupid way of getting to know her.

    Nice of the coworker to give the guy a talking-to as well.
  • Blacklance36
    Blacklance36 Posts: 755 Member
    He was trying to sell you something. I can almost bet on it and its probably herbalife.

    That was my thought too.
  • Katiegirl1970
    Katiegirl1970 Posts: 17 Member
    I actually thought the same thing too..

    I thought maybe he gets commission on how many people he gets to show up.
  • Brige2269
    Brige2269 Posts: 354 Member
    I understand, I have had something like that happen to me before. The worse feeling is, strangers do not know what your doing, how far you have come or if you have already lost weigh. It isn't like we will wear a sign that says our acclomplishments. Strangers don't matter anyway, YOU know what your doing, that's what matters.
  • msf74
    msf74 Posts: 3,498 Member
    As for the person who confronted you...I would've been furious and probably said something like "**GASP** I'm overweight?!!? I had no idea..."

    Or she could have said "There are easier ways to get my number you know" or "Nice try sweetness but let's be honest here. I am way out of your league."

    I understand that overweight people face a huge amount of prejudice in day to day life and that can be very difficult to deal with. I am not naïve to that fact. However, these negative situations also contain a huge amount of potential for empowerment.

    A mental wound is not like a physical wound. If you cut me with a knife I must surely bleed. If you attempt to injure me psychologically then, with the right techniques, I can choose whether I bleed or not.

    The OP can use this encounter to her benefit. I hope she does.
  • msmichelelynn
    msmichelelynn Posts: 15
    Rude? Probably.. But it could also be motivational. You are on the right path: You want to lose weight. If you put in the effort, it will happen, and you will see results. If you half-*kitten* your attempt not so much. You should have said: Sure, when can we meet up :)

    I was thinking the same thing. I'm down for any and all motivational help. I probably would have also stated that I am a work in progress and that I just got myself started, but I'm a bit thicker skinned and I'm also open to meeting as many people as I can that are interested in a healthy lifestyle. BUT my friendly receptors would have not been as excited about it due to the fact that I was approached and embarrassed in front of my peers. Not a good approach... at all.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,228 Member
    what did he say that was rude?


    Really? You don't think that approaching a stranger to point out their weight problem is rude? Where I come from - very rude!!!

    Does your church ever go around offering to "help" nonbelievers with their "problem?" Do you consider that rude?

    After this comment I would have to say "Amen"

    Church people do make life hell knocking on door and wanting to "HELP ME".

    OP, I'm wondering have you or the Church you believe in ever went around trying to help people revisit their belief.

    If yes, Karma is a beautch. What goes around comes around.

    Above posters comment hit me so hard b'coz jus' this Sunday they flocked in wanting to "Help Me" and I kept saying "Nope". And then the lady wanted to know "What was that I believe in"

    This argument is a tad bit ridiculous.

    Being atheist, agnostic, Muslim, Jewish, Hindu, or whatever is socially acceptable for the general public. However, being obese is not. If someone assumed you were a non-believer and attempted to share their religious beliefs in public, you would not be offended because you are entitled to your beliefs. You are not embarassed of those beliefs.

    Because obesity isn't socially acceptable, then most obese people are embarassed of it. Therefore, singling someone out in public about something not socially acceptable is embarassing. It doesn't matter if his intent was to help or harm.
  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,740 Member
    He was rude, of course. And the setting especially was completely inappropriate too. What a fool.

    Next time I would not say thank you for the offer though, even as you turned it down. I would say, "My body size is absolutely none of your business and I really do NOT appreciate your comments and suggestions".
  • No_Finish_Line
    No_Finish_Line Posts: 3,661 Member
    what did he say that was rude?

    Really? You don't think that approaching a stranger to point out their weight problem is rude? Where I come from - very rude!!!

    Agreed you don't just approach some complete stranger in public and point something like that out. Honest private criticism from a friend is one thing but all what he was doing will do is humiliate people.

    And good luck OP. I know it can be slow sometimes. But just keep trying things till you find a lifestyle that works for you.

    he offered to help, he didnt point and shout 'fatty'... misguided yes, but hardly the worst thing someone could say!

    So now she can't vent unless it was the worst thing someone could say?

    Why do you get to decide what she finds offensive?

    I can totally see the original poster's point of view.

    I think that stranger was completely rude. He doesn't know her, he doesn't know what she's doing and he is incredibly presumptuous. You don't go up to total strangers and make the kind of comment he did. If she happened to be in a conversation with him and mentioned something about fitness or diet then sure, he could have interjected something at that point. But going up to random people, intruding on their private moments to tell them he can help them..no way.. rude.

    Agree with this. Its not like an overweight person doesn't know they have a problem.

    have no idea what a perfect stranger would hope to accomplish by pointing out someones weight problem. if they want help, they will seek it. i don't see what it could do other then shame someone into action.

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