He told me to "lose some weight"

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  • That_Girl
    That_Girl Posts: 1,324 Member
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    I hate to say this, but it sounds like he may be "in lust" not "in love" with you...

    I wrote this this morning, and although it may come off as harsh, you deserve better: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/161579-ladies

    I hope you at least told him how much that hurt you and made it clear that it's not acceptable for him to be mean to you about your weight gain.

    I agree. My husband has seen me at 170 and 230 (after the baby)...and he's still all over me.

    To say that to someone is not only rude, but completely disregards who they are as a person. You may not see it but it would be a big red flag for me.

    You sound delightful. Don't lose weight just because someone just wants you to have a hot body.
  • DeepSeaDoc_Wife
    DeepSeaDoc_Wife Posts: 112 Member
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    Ok, I am going to not choose sides but going from 90 pounds to 140 in 2 months is extreme. That is gaining 50 percent of body weight in 2 months. So, it's understandable for you AND your boyfriend to feel different. That is a dramatic change. You have Celiacs so it's not like you sat around and ate bon bons and gained that weight because if that was the case.... you wouldn't have gained that much in that short of time. It wasn't a baby which a woman is expected to gain weight as her fetus grows in nine months. So what happened to you was unexpected and I feel your boyfriend is just adjusting and the fact that he is still with you and loves you is GREAT. He doesn't have an obligation like a husband so for all the naysayers about your boyfriend I think you need to put yourself in his shoes. As for the "he told me to lose weight" statement. He is a dude. Dudes are not eloquent with their words when it comes to the opposite sex. Also, you know that you want to lose weight and I think he just said out loud what you both want and you weren't expecting it. You have a good man and you both support each other and you guys can do physical fitness things together and make it fun. My husband and I do it all the time. I do his militray pt's as much as I can and in return he will go to one of my classes. I finally encouraged my hubby to go to a Zumba class. It took a lot of persuasion using some explicit favors but it worked. That's the fun part of doing things together. With the accomplishment of losing weight and kicking Celiacs *kitten* your confidence is going to be sky high. You have obviously taken steps already by being her on MFP and with listening to your doctors and heeding to their advise and working out you will succeed. I wish you the best of luck to you and a high five to your man.
  • kwardklinck
    kwardklinck Posts: 1,601
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    That's just wrong. I'm 44 years old and have given birth to two kids. I have stretch marks and saggy skin but my husband still comes after me like I'm the hot 17 year old he fell in love with. You need to dump this guy. If he's hurting you this much now, it will get worse as time passes.
  • kwardklinck
    kwardklinck Posts: 1,601
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    By the way, when a guy "loses interest", it usually means he's cheating on you. Every person I've ever met who's man has said that later found out he was seeing someone else.
  • esorcel
    esorcel Posts: 459 Member
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    You know your man more than anyone who is making comments against him. He may be someone who is often disrespectful to you, or he may be an good man who made the mistake in expressing his concern about your weight without realizing how much it would affect you. It's always best to express your opinion fully about ANYTHING that may trouble you. This is how relationships may develop. I see a positive sign that he apologized for it. He could be a complete jerk and ignore your feelings about his comment, but he didn't.

    I have seen on the web a counseling session between a married man and a marriage counselor (I know that the situation is a little different because the two of you are not married). The man didn't have the same attractive feelings towards his wife-- although he really loved her--because she had gained weight. He tried not to say anything because he didn't want to hurt her feelings. This led to bigger problems in their marriage. The counselor told the man that he had to be honest with his wife, regardless how she might feel about it, in order to help improve their relationship. He was actually hurting them by remaining quiet.

    You may want to be careful with him a bit. He could be confused about his feelings and think that your weight is the cause of his confusion. Help him to figure out what else may be troubling him. Relationships can develop with deep levels of communication. Again, YOU know who are dealing with, not US.
  • brittanymonster
    brittanymonster Posts: 58
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    Where I come from, boys that treat a woman in that manner get a good old fashion *kitten* whoopin' His apology should be for being a *kitten*. I've been marred 27+ years and would never.

    THIS.

    I can't help but feel that you might have an off-kilter body image. I agree with the general consensus of "you look great, why do you want to lose weight?" I realize that going from 90 to 129 can be a pretty big shock, but how did you weigh 90 pounds in the first place??
    Just a little concerned.
  • fitmamaoftwins
    fitmamaoftwins Posts: 116
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    I know this isnt the answer youre looking for but you are at perfect weight for your height, you dont need a new body, just a new boyfriend
  • noltes2
    noltes2 Posts: 202 Member
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    Hi there! I really want to comment on your post.

    Your starting weight of 90 pounds was REALLLLLY low to begin with and that was underweight. 129 pounds is PERFECT! You probably only need to gain muscle, not necessarily pounds. It must have been really hard for you to gain weight that quickly - it would for anyone, even someone who was underweight to begin with! I'm sorry that happened and that you got sick. But understand that 129 is a very desirable weight for almost any woman and a very healthy one at that. It's on the low side of the healthy BMI range, which is awesome. My lowest weight was when I was 14 and I got to 125. Now I'm 23 and struggling to get below 160. I thought I was so fat and disgusting when I was 125.... now I look back and I would KILL to go back there. Try to appreciate what you have now, and 120-129 is absolutely perfect. You look gorgeous in your picture and anyone who can't see that is blind.

    As for your boyfriend? The fact that he suddenly isn't attracted to you for gaining weight (especially the fact that it wasn't your fault) --- is very superficial, and if he feels that way he was superficial this whole time. If he only wants you CONDITIONALLY then please do yourself a favor and move on. Consider yourself lucky because now you can see who he really is. Of course he didn't mean to hurt you, but he felt what he felt and said it. Even if he apologizes it still doesn't change the fact that his attraction for you is based on your weight. So what happens if you get pregnant? or you get older and gain? Is he just going to pick up and leave then? Honestly, this guy sounds way too immature for you and it's unhealthy for you emotional and physical state. There's no reversing what he said and it WILL eat you alive. It sounds like it's time to distance yourself from him and focus on what you want and need to do for your health... thanks for listening :)
  • live2smyle
    live2smyle Posts: 592 Member
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    I agree with everyone else. If you feel you need to lose the weight you can do it! Good Luck to you :)
  • dancer77
    dancer77 Posts: 249 Member
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    Firstly I have a story much like yours from the health perspective. I was really tiny as a child, was diagnosed with celiac last year, and I am definitely not that tiny anymore (I gained 30lbs but honestly some of that was just poor eating and puberty). One major thing I learned is that even if I can eat it doesn't mean I should. There are so many food limitations that I end up making high calorie choices because they are "gluten-free" not because they are wise decisions. Make sure you are doing it for you because doing it to meet someone else's requirements will wreck havoc with your self-esteem. And mostly remember that guys at our age are a bit immature and maybe he is having a jerk moment. You look pretty close to ideal, but anyone can improv on something :) so go get 'em! ...and if any of us mfp-ers gets a hold of said lovely bf he may not be in one piece by the end...I promise not to bash him though, only to smack him....
  • marianmaj
    marianmaj Posts: 96 Member
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    You poor kid, he sounds like SHALLOW HAL
  • mlala1986
    mlala1986 Posts: 1
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    I am 24 with three kids under the age of five. With my youngest I went from 170 to 240 lbs I am at 200 I only stand 5'2. I have have numerous people say that they are ok with the way I look and eventually the comments even if they were subtle started to come out from exprience I have personally learned I am a strong women and that no one not a man or women is going to say that I need to loose weight or make fun of me. I dont know know you but all I can say is do it for yourself and you deserve bettter, if he really cared he wouldnt of said that to you, but in the end you need to loose thed weight for yourself and no one else. GOOD LUCK, I hope that you get to your goal.
  • trekkiebeth
    trekkiebeth Posts: 172
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    this person who couldn't keep his hands off of me before came off as very disinterested. I asked him about it (nagged, even) and he just paused and said "i dunno. just lose some weight."

    If, as slender as you are, he thinks you would need to lose weight to be desirable, imagine how bad it would be if you got married and your weight increased the way it naturally does with age and having a baby and whatever other natural things make you gain weight. How could he be happy with you then if he's not even happy with you now? It seems like if you were to marry this guy it would be pretty likely that eventually he would cheat or dump you for someone younger and thinner. I know I don't know the guy, but I find it disturbing that someone who is supposedly in love with you is currently "very disinterested" because of your weight. Maybe the idea that he might cheat on you will motivate you to dump him before it happens.

    Again, anyone who becomes disinterested because of your weight is not really in love and is in it just for what he can get out of it. That kind of guy is a natural cheater.
  • mehamilt
    mehamilt Posts: 6 Member
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    I understand how a comment like that can really shake your self confidence.

    True love isn't about how you look it sounds corny, but if he's really in love with you and he's a "keeper" he would love you no matter what. When I got married I was a little heavier than I wanted to be but was grateful to be alive (long story) unfortunately I gained more weight, but my husband still loves me and even tells me I'm beautiful. We've stuck together through some really hard times financial, health, and family issues - that's when you know they're the real deal.

    You do deserve better and won't find it if you're "stuck" with the wrong guy.

    I wish you peace, confidence and a great man who will appreciate you as yourself, tiny, medium, or large.:flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:
  • elizabethl27
    elizabethl27 Posts: 52 Member
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    Ok, I am going to not choose sides but going from 90 pounds to 140 in 2 months is extreme. That is gaining 50 percent of body weight in 2 months. So, it's understandable for you AND your boyfriend to feel different. That is a dramatic change. You have Celiacs so it's not like you sat around and ate bon bons and gained that weight because if that was the case.... you wouldn't have gained that much in that short of time. It wasn't a baby which a woman is expected to gain weight as her fetus grows in nine months. So what happened to you was unexpected and I feel your boyfriend is just adjusting and the fact that he is still with you and loves you is GREAT. He doesn't have an obligation like a husband so for all the naysayers about your boyfriend I think you need to put yourself in his shoes. As for the "he told me to lose weight" statement. He is a dude. Dudes are not eloquent with their words when it comes to the opposite sex. Also, you know that you want to lose weight and I think he just said out loud what you both want and you weren't expecting it. You have a good man and you both support each other and you guys can do physical fitness things together and make it fun. My husband and I do it all the time. I do his militray pt's as much as I can and in return he will go to one of my classes. I finally encouraged my hubby to go to a Zumba class. It took a lot of persuasion using some explicit favors but it worked. That's the fun part of doing things together. With the accomplishment of losing weight and kicking Celiacs *kitten* your confidence is going to be sky high. You have obviously taken steps already by being her on MFP and with listening to your doctors and heeding to their advise and working out you will succeed. I wish you the best of luck to you and a high five to your man.

    I'm sorry, but I disagree with you. Why make excuses for the guy? After reading this post, I was thinking about, what if I gained 40 pounds in two months because of something I could not control? If my boyfriend just stopped having sex with me I would assume the only reason he fell for me in the first place was my body. What if I had some other condition that seriously affected my physical image? Would that be ok for my boyfriend to say something like that to me. NO. In a relationship, there just has to be more. You should be attracted to somebody beyond what they look like. Yeah, I mean, when you first meet somebody physical image is involved, but shouldn't that transform over time? She weighed under one hundred pounds at 5'5"? Isn't that below the normal BMI for that height? Looking at her pictures, she is very pretty, and clearly this guy is just an *kitten*. However, I do agree that couples can work out together and it is great. My boyfriend and I run together and it is really fun!
  • mcohan
    mcohan Posts: 116 Member
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    you have every right to bash your boyfriend!! he should love you no matter what!! unless there is some health concern, your boyfriend shoud NEVER make you feel that way. i think you look beautiful and you can do much better than him!!
  • DeepSeaDoc_Wife
    DeepSeaDoc_Wife Posts: 112 Member
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    I'm sorry, but I disagree with you. Why make excuses for the guy? After reading this post, I was thinking about, what if I gained 40 pounds in two months because of something I could not control? If my boyfriend just stopped having sex with me I would assume the only reason he fell for me in the first place was my body. What if I had some other condition that seriously affected my physical image? Would that be ok for my boyfriend to say something like that to me. NO. In a relationship, there just has to be more. You should be attracted to somebody beyond what they look like. Yeah, I mean, when you first meet somebody physical image is involved, but shouldn't that transform over time? She weighed under one hundred pounds at 5'5"? Isn't that below the normal BMI for that height? Looking at her pictures, she is very pretty, and clearly this guy is just an *kitten*. However, I do agree that couples can work out together and it is great. My boyfriend and I run together and it is really fun!

    No Reason to be sorry. To each their own.

    I wasn't making excuses for him just giving him the benefit of the doubt because she stated in original post that he loves her. We all don't know this guy and HE could be the one having an issue with himself which could lead to little to no sex. I mean not everything is black and white. There could be another underlying issue if that is the case but hope it isn't. But I for one am not going to call the guy an *kitten*. It's not my place.
  • Mariposa187
    Mariposa187 Posts: 344 Member
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    i was about to say the same thing. If he really wanted you to lose weight for your health i would understand but i feel like if he loved you for you it wouldnt be a problem. He could have at least said something like, " have u noticed that we have been not eating as healthy as before, why dont we workout together..." something like that... He is not very considerate... I hope you told him how you feel about what he said. There is a tactful way to bring up things like that...
  • shannonshock13
    shannonshock13 Posts: 355 Member
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    He sounds like a complete D-Bag.... sorry to say.

    Anyone that tells a woman who is 5'5 and 129 pounds to lose some weight is F-ing nuts. (even if he told that to you when you were 140lbs, thats still crazy!!

    You look great!
  • fitnesspal5
    fitnesspal5 Posts: 33
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    Hey

    wow that isn't a very nice thing to say. I won't sit here and lecture because I don't know your boyfriend and it isn't really my place to lay into him but if i were in that situation, I would be thinking to myself am I just losing weight for to gain approval from him? If you answer that with a yes, I would seriously reconsider your relationship. There is nothing wrong with losing weight but you should do it for YOURSELF.

    I know you say that he loves you and I don't doubt that but I put on almost three stone whilst I was at university and my boyfriend probably put on about one and a half stone. Neither of us have said anything to one another about this. I wouldn't dream of it. He could put on ten stone and I would still love him just as much and desire him just as much. In fact, I prefer him this way. He is slightly more cuddly... which is all the better for snuggling.

    I am in the process of losing weight but because I want to feel better about myself. I am prioritising myself and I want to get healthier for me.

    I wouldn't try to dwell on what he said because you will only end up feeling down about it. If he says anything else like that to you, get rid.

    Ps: you look awfully pretty in your default. All the more reason to let it go over your head :)

    I wouldn't dwell on what he said if I were you but

    I hope y

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