The "NEVER been thin/ in-shape" Club

I've never been thin and/or healthy at all. Ever. I was picked on in elementary school, snickered at in high school and now I'm in college and I'm sick of it. Time to get healthy!!!

I have struggled with my weight all my life. Food was always given to me for comfort, so that is what I learned, and did all my life.
I have never been "skinny". I was always the tallest and biggest kid in class. I stood out like a sore thumb, and I think that my self esteem suffered for that. I was in women's clothes in the 6th grade, and have never been able to shop at a "regular" size store. This feeling of self loathing and worthlessness is why I think I turned to food when I was happy, sad, mad, etc. It developed into a real addiction to the point where I would order a large pizza, and eat the entire thing. Or eat dinner at home and then ride around and hit every fast food place on the street, feeling ashamed, and disgusting. I would think about food from the time I woke up to the time I went to bed..."what will I eat next" was always on my mind. My skin would literally crawl, and I would obsess and get anxious about the food. One of my friends told me that "she never sees me eat" and that is because I always did it in secret, and threw away any evidence.

I have tried ever so called diet out there. Nothing would work for me, because I wouldn't let it. I would get frustrated when I wouldn't lose, or if I would gain one week. Or I would say, I can cheat this day, and it would snowball from there because my food addiction would get a hold of me.

I recently came across a picture of myself from many years ago when I thought I was "fat". It is probably the best picture of me ever. I keep it posted on my fridge. At that time I was a size 18/20 and weighed probably a little over 200lbs. I am tall, and my weight distributes well, and that weight for me was perfect, but didn't see it that way at the time.

Now getting in and out of the car is a struggle. Walking up stairs is down right painful and embarassing. Getting on and off chairs and sofas makes me want to hide in a corner, and I try to plan it around when no one is looking. I'm tired of being tired and in pain constantly. So.....

I feel like I have finally come to grips with my eating habits, and this site has helped me by holding me accountable by logging my calories each day. I do it no matter what I eat. If I fall off the wagon, and hit up Wendy's, I log it. It helps me to put things into perspective each day, and helps me plan out my meals better. I have small short term goals, and medium term goals to help me not feel overwhelmed by looking at the big picture of how much weight I have to lose.

So, my goals are:

SW 365 - CW 355 - GW 200

Good luck everyone, and I will come back often to check in and for the support. To be supportive and for support for myself. Lord knows I need it.