Rude or not?

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  • adriayellow11
    adriayellow11 Posts: 140
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    You gave her something to think about that could save her life. And she's the one who invited your input into the conversation about her body weight. I would say it was informative if you send her a link to the site and encourage her.
  • CalorieNinja
    CalorieNinja Posts: 645 Member
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    Today, after work, while I was standing by the gate, a friend said, "Mrs. M, you're looking so thin! Your face, your body..."

    I said thank you and then she said, "What are you doing? I want to work out but...yea right." She's a sweet gal and very overweight...it's all in her belly. Know those bodies? But she's awesome...a big help in my classroom. Anyway...

    I told her I was just counting calories of the things I eat and really watching my sodium.

    She said, "Oh I can't do that! OMG! No way. hahahah"

    I told her that I'm doing it online and she still said she can't. :angry:

    I really hate the "I can't" excuse...because--- you so can, but you don't want to and you won't. Big difference.

    So I said, "Well, dying because I'm fat or getting some weird health issue because I'm fat is not an option. I want to be around for my grandchildren."

    She is a mother...she is 20, but a mother. I am a mother, albeit I'm 30something.

    Was that rude? She kinda laughed it off, but...then she got quiet. Maybe she was thinking? I don't know. I felt bad, but then didn't because hey, it is the truth. If I'm going to die of something, it's NOT going to be because I was fat...something I can completely control...even if it is hard.

    What do you think?

    I wouldn't consider that rude. Sometimes you can sugar coat things :) Maybe you will open her eyes!
  • alienblonde1
    alienblonde1 Posts: 749 Member
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    If it was just you two standing there then I would say not. Sometimes people need to hear the truth. You could write down the name of this website and hand it to her, telling her to look around. The before and after pics here really motivated me. AND is she isn't ready now maybe she will someday soon.

    Theres a lady at work I keep telling about this site. I have even showed her a couple of before and after pics and she still wont really check it out. She has diabetes and weighs more then me.
  • coffeepleese
    coffeepleese Posts: 11 Member
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    She brought the conversation & I think you're right, she doesn't want to. You not only gave her a tool to get her started (your response to her ? ) but you also gave her your reason you do it. You look good, she noticed, she will go home & think about that no matter what she chooses to do about it. Don't beat yourself up over it-
    I never thought counting cal's could do anything for me, but it is a wake up call that keeps me in check more than anything ever had. I'm pushing 40 & never fad dieted-just plus size almost my whole life. You are NOT rude, in fact you sound like a very nice person. maybe that was her way of making polite small talk. Don't we all have those "insert foot into mouth" moments ?
    Good luck & great job on those lbs already gone!
  • jmwolffyy
    jmwolffyy Posts: 212 Member
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    I am guessing that, as a 20 something, she may need to hear multiple options from multiple people before she makes the choice to change her lifestyle. I became a mom before 20, which started my weight-gain journey, and it hasn't been until my mid-30s that I finally decided to get off that road and start a weight-LOSS journey instead. Over the years I heard many people tell how they were losing weight. Some sounded interesting, some I even halfheartedly tried. But I had to make the mental change for myself first. You were not rude, you were offering a possible option for her to consider. She knows her own health issues, I guarantee it. She knows what she is unable to do with her child(ren) as well. I would hazard the guess that although she may not do anything about her weight soon, she will remember the ways you have suggested at some point in the future.
  • ambie35
    ambie35 Posts: 853 Member
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    Today a got a lot of compliments on the shirt I was wearing from my classmates. My friend who is overweight said "Wish I could be skinny and wear cute clothes!" rather cynically. I have introduced her to mfp recently ,but she didn't seem to take to it. The "I can't excuse is tiring". I know I can't say too much on the matter as I have never had to deal with loosing a significant amount of weight,however sometimes it seems some of my larger friends assume I am the size I am and still eat whatever I want. I was not blessed with fast metabolism trust me!
  • CarolHudson11
    CarolHudson11 Posts: 372
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    Nope. You said that YOU didn't want to die or have some weird health issues because of YOUR weight. You didn't say she was fat, nor did you tell her that she needed to lose weight or that she should. If she internalized it, that's on her. You gave good reasons for why YOU want to be healthier. And hopefully she took some of that with her. I'm of the opinion that if you don't want the answer to the question - you probably better not ask it.
  • Nikstergirl
    Nikstergirl Posts: 1,549 Member
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    I wish I could say that to a few people... I wish I would have heard that a few times!!! But I had to find my own way to start my journey and so does she. We've all been there, and hindsight is so much clearer sometimes!! I used to have the "I can't" attitude, but that's changed and I'm not even sure yet how it happened for me. If she got her feelings hurt then maybe she needed it, if she's ready, she will know who to turn to for advice and motivation!!!
  • kelika71
    kelika71 Posts: 778 Member
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    Rude? I don't think so. She's the one that asked. The way I see it, if you don't want the hard truth told to you, then one shouldn't open their mouth and ask if they can't take it. Kind of like, if you've nothing good to say, keep your mouth closed. If she didn't like it, she should've kept it closed. :)
  • MobiusMan
    MobiusMan Posts: 385 Member
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    not in the least. Just honest.
  • GoingToLose25
    GoingToLose25 Posts: 8
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    Just curious- how fat is when you die from just *being fat* fat? My grandma and all her sisters who were over 300 pounds lived into their late 80s. Her thinner sisters died younger. Her quality of life wasn't that bad. She said it kept her face from being wrinkly. I'm not condoning that, but have seen lots of fat people live the same amount of years as their thinner counterparts. So I am not so sure it's the fat that is making people die. It's not even necessarily the complications from being fat. There's more to it. I know a bunch more healthy people that died of cardiac arrest while my fat grandma kept on living years after all the warnings from the doctors about her being fat. 3 of her sisters too.
  • sarahcrawford75
    sarahcrawford75 Posts: 4
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    When it comes to exercise a lot of people have excuses as to why they "CAN'T" exercise. They dont want to put in the hard work to loose the weight. People want the easy fix...the magic pill or a visit to the magical surgery fairy. They don't realize that they didn't put the weight on overnight...so it won't come off overnight. Some people just need a dose to reality.

    I don't think you came off as rude...she asked and you gave your opinion. If it still bothers you in the morning, talk to her and explain that you were just giving your opinion and it was NOT meant to insult her. :o)
  • meggonkgonk
    meggonkgonk Posts: 2,066 Member
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    From my perspective it was probably a step too far. No finger wagging, I can understand where it came from- it's a really frustrating situation! My best friend from home (we live about 200 mi away) ALWAYS complains about her weight and when I started to lose we had a similar interaction where she just declared that she wasn't "committed enough" to count calories and she preferred to just add work outs and cut back on her portions/getting take out. I WANTED to be like "well then don't bother" and list all of the reasons that that wouldnt help her adjust her habits permenently. But I kind of paused, and then went on to really encourage her- she got a trainer and he has her doing kettlebells and she loves the elliptical (both exercises I despise) but she feels great so I put in the enthusiasm.

    Anyway, long way of saying that maybe the harsher words will help your coworker, but chances are they just made her feel like crap. None of us is perfect, and every single one of us has been in a position where we think "this" is nearly impossible. So to me, the better route is encouragement and gentle dispelling of common myths (SUGAR IS EVIL! POTATOES AND BREAD ARE THE DEVIL!) because ultimately you want them to come around to your way of thinking, and snapping (no matter how justifable and understandable) really won't get you there.
  • That_Girl
    That_Girl Posts: 1,324 Member
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    Just curious- how fat is when you die from just *being fat* fat? My grandma and all her sisters who were over 300 pounds lived into their late 80s. Her thinner sisters died younger. Her quality of life wasn't that bad. She said it kept her face from being wrinkly. I'm not condoning that, but have seen lots of fat people live the same amount of years as their thinner counterparts. So I am not so sure it's the fat that is making people die. It's not even necessarily the complications from being fat. There's more to it. I know a bunch more healthy people that died of cardiac arrest while my fat grandma kept on living years after all the warnings from the doctors about her being fat. 3 of her sisters too.

    Really? That's great. In my family, my grandfather had type 2 diabetes at 300 pounds and my grandmother has it at 160 pounds. My grandpa's doctor told him his weight was holding him back from certain cancer treatments.

    My whole point was, if I'm going to die of something, it better not be tied to being fat. Just as I didn't drink while pregnant. My sister did (not a lot)-- my nephew is fine-- top of his class...but I would KILL myself if I had a drink during pregnancy and something was wrong with my baby.
  • MemphisMarly
    MemphisMarly Posts: 215
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    I think the wording was rude, but she pushed the issue. I guess she was being a little rude too by laughing off your method rather than saying thanks for sharing. And maybe it did give her something to think about.
  • NZGeekGirl
    NZGeekGirl Posts: 87
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    It's blunt but also i think it's fair enough.

    I'm sick of the "I can't becuase....." excuses as well. I've got 2 friends working on losing weight, one has a totally bunged ankle but is still watching her calories, carefully doing what exercise she can and is doing amazing. I haven't heard any excuses from her. I'm so proud of my friend.

    The other is complaining about being overweight and battling the weight loss but when you offer advice "I can't because I can't afford to. I can't because I'm exclusively breastfeeding". I'm sorry but drinking 3 cans of Mountain Dew a day and eating takeaways is NOT cheaper than eating fruit and vegetables and is NOT better for the breastfeeding.

    People who don't really want it won't go for it. They all the excuses under the sun. It gets incredibly hard and frustrating supporting those people and there is only so much sugar coating you can do. Sometimes a dose of reality is needed.
  • That_Girl
    That_Girl Posts: 1,324 Member
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    From my perspective it was probably a step too far. No finger wagging, I can understand where it came from- it's a really frustrating situation! My best friend from home (we live about 200 mi away) ALWAYS complains about her weight and when I started to lose we had a similar interaction where she just declared that she wasn't "committed enough" to count calories and she preferred to just add work outs and cut back on her portions/getting take out. I WANTED to be like "well then don't bother" and list all of the reasons that that wouldnt help her adjust her habits permenently. But I kind of paused, and then went on to really encourage her- she got a trainer and he has her doing kettlebells and she loves the elliptical (both exercises I despise) but she feels great so I put in the enthusiasm.

    Anyway, long way of saying that maybe the harsher words will help your coworker, but chances are they just made her feel like crap. None of us is perfect, and every single one of us has been in a position where we think "this" is nearly impossible. So to me, the better route is encouragement and gentle dispelling of common myths (SUGAR IS EVIL! POTATOES AND BREAD ARE THE DEVIL!) because ultimately you want them to come around to your way of thinking, and snapping (no matter how justifable and understandable) really won't get you there.

    O.o I didn't snap at her. I didn't say it in a b*tchy way. I was smiling and just matter of fact. She brought it up. I don't shoot rainbows up people's bums lol. PCism is killing the country.
  • AmberElaine84
    AmberElaine84 Posts: 964 Member
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    Not rude. At all!! SICK sick SICK of "I can't". SO many people try to justify the fact that they don't work out or count calories with "I just can't. I'm so busy. I don't have a schedule that allows me to do it." I have actually felt GUILTY before, because people ask how I lost weight, and I tell them I counted calories and worked out, and they make me feel like I have ALL the time in the world because I'm "JUST" a stay at home mom. NOT true and the guilt trip is uncalled for. There are times when I might FEEL like I can't get a workout in, but, you just do it. Unless, you want to be overweight forever....then go ahead, tell yourself you "can't", and you won't.
  • That_Girl
    That_Girl Posts: 1,324 Member
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    Awww :heart: I'm noticing the people that know me on here know ME and are saying it wasn't rude, just honest :smile:

    Cause I'm hardly EVER spiteful or snippy. I don't feel bad for saying that to her...she knows me. I just wondered if it was rude because I hate being thought of as being rude when that is never my intention :heart:
  • FitJoani
    FitJoani Posts: 2,173 Member
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    its the truth. She should take it and absorb it and make the change. I actually have a close friend just like that she will go as far as getting on an exercise bandwagon then realizing it isnt easy and give up...gain more than she lost back repeat cycle time and time again.

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