How to get my husband to accept me lifting heavy?
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itsfuntobenormal wrote: »GothyFaery wrote: »itsfuntobenormal wrote: »GothyFaery wrote: »Dragonwolf wrote: »GothyFaery wrote: »Some_Watery_Tart wrote: »And if you'd like to avoid the "can of worms" in the future, I would suggest you avoid using the term "Stepford wife". It's not considered a positive thing. It was a horror story. Maybe June Cleaver would be more appropriate.
I'm sorry, I don't see the term Stepford wife as anything negitive. It would be the biggest compliment to me if someone said I was a Stepford wife. I didn't think I was the only one who thought this way.
Have you ever seen The Stepford Wives (or read the book)? Stepford was a dystopian, gated community where the wives were systematically replaced by (or turned into) robots that did the man's every whim without thought or question. Many of the women were formerly activists or otherwise very independent women. They were stripped of all independent personality, against their will.
Being a "Stepford wife" is in no way, shape or form a good thing, and has never been. To say that you're a "Stepford wife" means, by definition, that you've been stripped of all independence, both in thought and action. Is that something you really want?
Yes, I like the movies and the book. To me being a Stepford wife doesn't mean having no control (because they can't make me a robot). It means being everything my husband wants and making him completely happy in every way and doing it all with a smile. The Stepford wife ideal to me is basically being the perfect wife. I don't see it negitivly and I really thought more women thought this way. I guess I was wrong.
You understand that your husband isn't giving you the same level of support you idealize giving him though and that's what we're all reacting to, right?
He gives me that level of support in every other aspect of our lives. That's why I made this post. I've never come across this side of him and I don't know how to handle it. I just want him to understand that me lifting isn't changing anything about our relationship. I still need and want him and I always will.
You have never come across it because you have always conformed. It is changing your relationship because you are doing something he is not happy with.
In every other aspect of your lives -- let's talk about those. What do you outside of your desire to tend to him, please him and always have a smile on your face? Do you go to school? Job? Hobby?
Is there anything in life you do that is totally separate from him that he supports, that's my question...
I have a job (I'm a lead over a team) and he supports me there. I enjoy musicals and he gladdly watches them with me even though he hates it. For our anniversarry every year he dresses up (even though he hates it) and takes me out to a fancy dinner and a show in Vegas (he would rather just drink any gamble but he does this because it makes me happy). We're both into tattoos but that's another hobby of mine that he supports. I would die without eating Taco Bell. It doesn't agree with him so when we pick of TB for me, he gets something else without complaining. When I'm not feeling well he tells me over and over again not to cook and that he will just make a sandwich. What else do you want to know?0 -
FitFitzy331 wrote: »"How can I get my sexist husband to be less sexist but still stay sort of sexist like I am?" /facepalm
yea basically. I almost think that she's trolling everyone. What self respecting woman in this day and age would honestly want to be a Stepford Wife? The Stepford wives didn't even want to be Stepford Wives!
Yeah, but read her description of being a Stepford Wife. It really isn't very Stepford Wife at all. Those women had no choice. She's talking about a desire to meet his ideal of the perfect wife, which happens to be a 50's-era ideal.
She even admits that he doesn't get why she gets upset with herself if she doesn't meet her own standard of perfection, so the Stepford connotation that her behavior is entirely dictated by him regardless of her wants is obviously not accurate.
So again, I say, be patient, keep lifting, don't rub it in his face (don't lie about it either) and he will probably come around.0 -
Why would the man that is supposed to love you not support something that is ultimately great for your health and confidence?
I find this relationship dynamic to be very confusing, and one-sided.0 -
The Judgy McJudgersons are out in full force today. Whose business is it how they choose to live their lives? OP, what you are asking for is advice on something that may be incompatible with your husband's preconceived notions of your relationship. The best way to find out what to do is to simply ask him. Then, discuss and decide what to do as a partnership.
BTW, I have been to the town where you live, and I think it is a nice place (except when it is crazy hot) - it is perfect for a couple who loves to do little besides spend time together.0 -
not reading all 6 pages, sorry BUT from the first couple I agree with a lot of these people.
You married this guy as someone different, overweight, and probably a lot more timid. I also gather from the photos your husband is much older than you, probably stuck in his ways as most older folks are and he's overweight.
I think this is a culmination of being insecure about his wife being stronger than him and an inability to accept change. If you want to be the stepford wife type person, hey that is your choice, but as it stands now it's obvious you aren't going to be able to bulk or or life heavy AND do that at the same time. You're only 25 and you need to really sit down and decide what you want out of life. If being with this guy and having to sacrifice what YOU want with YOUR body is what you're into then cool. Personally no way in hell I would do that.
I also am married to an older man, I also live what most people would call old fashioned marriage but in a lot of ways not so much. I'm not hating on all that. My comments are based solely on the photos and what I've read so far.
If you're truly his equal by the way, you need to sit down and have a long conversation and talk about each other insecurities and describe and set boundries for each other. And unfortunately you might have to go your separate ways after awhile. What I'm saying is, you're probably 2/3rds the way through your life and life is too dang short so do what makes you happy.
If that isn't helpful, sorry but I tried
Also I understand the wanting to defend your life and your spouse but you're being really defensive. Might want to evaluate WHY this bothers you so much. Not trying to go all Dr Phil on you but... yeah kinda true.0 -
Well, if you don't figure out some boundries soon, this control situation (by him) will only become more visable when he retires. It's great you want to be the perfect wife - but you still have 40 years of work ahead of you, and hopefully taking on new hobbies, learning new skills, planning continually new goals for your future, to keep you happy too.
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- and, in a few years, when he's retiring, he's going to want you at home with him more because his days will 'suddenly' be empty without the day job.
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- It's great that you both love each other so much, but you need to define a life away from each other, so that you can be the best person you can be, and not only be doing everything to be 'his' world at the detriment of your own growth and life.
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- Believe me, I understand what it's like to be in a relationship with an older person - My mother was 20 years younger than my father - she was 23 and him 43 when they married - and because of this age difference, I never saw my mother act like a young adult - she took on my father's age and his mindset. And, I will say to you that it's a shame that looked at age so horribly (crying when she turned 30?) - when 30 is not old...
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- Gothie, you are still a young woman and you should have dreams and goals - and they may be different than your husband's. It's ok, you can be married, happy, and have lives together and separately - but it has to come from you to stick up for yourself and claim these desires - otherwise, you will always be the one giving up everything to make sure that your husband is the happy one.
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My suggestions would be: Make some friends and make a few hours social event at least once a week, join a gym (and buy some shorts to exercise outside your house), take at least one gym class that doesn't include your husband tied to your hip, and if your exercise routine is not the same as his - it's your life, girl. Live it.
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How to do I NOT get notifications on this specific thread?0
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JeffseekingV wrote: »How to do I NOT get notifications on this specific thread?
Right? What in the name of all things green is that about?0 -
Best of luck to you. I don't really get the concept of "make" and "let" in a relationship, that just doesn't work for me. You are so, so young. My goodness.0
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JeffseekingV wrote: »How to do I NOT get notifications on this specific thread?
Right? What in the name of all things green is that about?
Someone suggested to me that I should turn off the "notify me in a thread i posted" and I should just bookmark a topic with the star. That way I keep getting notified but when I'm bored I can just turn off the star. Best advice ever!!
Does she lift weights in a dress/skirt? That is something weird. :huh:
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Lasmartchika wrote: »JeffseekingV wrote: »How to do I NOT get notifications on this specific thread?
Right? What in the name of all things green is that about?
Someone suggested to me that I should turn off the "notify me in a thread i posted" and I should just bookmark a topic with the star. That way I keep getting notified but when I'm bored I can just turn off the star. Best advice ever!!
Does she lift weights in a dress/skirt? That is something weird. :huh:
Why is it weird to lift in a dress? I do it all at home so it's not like someone can see up there or anything. BTW I don't lift in a dress, but I don't understand why it would be weird if I did.0 -
Yikes!
1) This is YOUR relationship and what you and your husband need to do. You don't need to adjust your relationship according to what other people think is and isn't ok. Just really wanted to say that because I don't think the solution is a massive overhaul of your relationship if that's what you and your husband want/enjoy. We all have different things we want in a relationship. There's no one mold. My partner prefers to be with a more modern woman that does for herself and is independent. I have friends that prefer the traditional man works/woman raises the kids view. Both are ok if that's what makes you happy.
2) The way to solve this isn't to change your relationship. It's to change what you husband understands as driving the things that you both want. If the preference for both of you is that he is the man and you depend on him for certain things, he wants to feel like he is the person that provides for you. Show him that scooping ice cream isn't important. Show him the actual important areas where you depend on him. Getting strong doesn't change those things. He's looking at minor issues and thinking it changes the whole relationship. Emphasize the values of your relationship and how being physically strong will NOT change those things. He needs to understand that the world won't end if you're able to pick up a box by yourself. Your relationship isn't changing. Your HEALTH is changing. It sounds like he's just panicking and picking out little things to make them big issues (clearly 45 minutes 3 times a week isn't making your sex life change, he's just being petty). I think the key isn't to get him to accept lifting, but to get him to realize that your relationship isn't changing. Then lifting won't be a big deal.0 -
GothyFaery wrote: »Lasmartchika wrote: »JeffseekingV wrote: »How to do I NOT get notifications on this specific thread?
Right? What in the name of all things green is that about?
Someone suggested to me that I should turn off the "notify me in a thread i posted" and I should just bookmark a topic with the star. That way I keep getting notified but when I'm bored I can just turn off the star. Best advice ever!!
Does she lift weights in a dress/skirt? That is something weird. :huh:
Why is it weird to lift in a dress? I do it all at home so it's not like someone can see up there or anything. BTW I don't lift in a dress, but I don't understand why it would be weird if I did.
Depending on the lift, I would think a dress would get in the way. I can just see myself snagging the hem on the bar and then giving everyone a show.
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Becoming strong and capable is fundamentally opposite to your previous "deal" with your husband.
He will have to change his mindset, just as you have, or it's not going to work out. Any issue he's having is likely due to his insecurities, which you likely didn't see much of before, because you were in an arrangement that allowed him to feel like the "strong, capable manly man".
Now that you are becoming more capable, it is threatening his fragile world view.
You either need to stop lifting heavy, in order to quell his massive insecurities, or he needs to work through whatever ridiculous ego crisis he's having because you can open a jar now.
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Tell him to stop acting like a little girl or you will begin to treat him like one.0
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The short answer? You probably won't. You need to decide where you want to go from there.
I know what I think would be best, but I don't live your life.0 -
GothyFaery wrote: »Lasmartchika wrote: »JeffseekingV wrote: »How to do I NOT get notifications on this specific thread?
Right? What in the name of all things green is that about?
Someone suggested to me that I should turn off the "notify me in a thread i posted" and I should just bookmark a topic with the star. That way I keep getting notified but when I'm bored I can just turn off the star. Best advice ever!!
Does she lift weights in a dress/skirt? That is something weird. :huh:
Why is it weird to lift in a dress? I do it all at home so it's not like someone can see up there or anything. BTW I don't lift in a dress, but I don't understand why it would be weird if I did.
Depending on the lift, I would think a dress would get in the way. I can just see myself snagging the hem on the bar and then giving everyone a show.
But again, it's all done at home so there's no one to see the show. Now some dresses wouldn't be fit for some lifts. Like trying to squat in a wiggle dress would be next to impossible but a circle dress would be fine for 95% of lifting as long as it wasn't too tight around the bust.
I don't lift in my dresses because I don't want to ruin them but if I bought a few cheap ones, I probably wouldn't mind it. Still prefer bra and undies but I could make a dress work if I tried.0 -
GothyFaery wrote: »Lasmartchika wrote: »JeffseekingV wrote: »How to do I NOT get notifications on this specific thread?
Right? What in the name of all things green is that about?
Someone suggested to me that I should turn off the "notify me in a thread i posted" and I should just bookmark a topic with the star. That way I keep getting notified but when I'm bored I can just turn off the star. Best advice ever!!
Does she lift weights in a dress/skirt? That is something weird. :huh:
Why is it weird to lift in a dress? I do it all at home so it's not like someone can see up there or anything. BTW I don't lift in a dress, but I don't understand why it would be weird if I did.
I was just curious cuz you said you only wear dresses... and you're asking advice about the lifting weights and stuff... Which by the way, (I truly haven't read what people wrote so I don't know if it's been suggested) maybe you shouldn't lift while he's home, like don't do it in his presence. If that's possible, maybe that could help.
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You say you don't have secrets and such, but you are on here posting about this on the internet to a bunch of strangers? Does he know about this?
Have you considered maybe talking with those in a similar relationship style as yours that have faced such dilemmas? Maybe on Fetlife?0 -
BusyRaeNOTBusty wrote: »LolBroScience wrote: »Mamahana82 wrote: »If you can hear me over the raging anti-man crowd (masquerading as pro-woman) ...
I am so unbelievably sick of this false dichotomy that suggests you have only have two choices: be weak, scared, and lifeless, while handing over control of your life to your husband, OR be a cornfed hermaphrodite who prefers to spend all her time turning burping, farting, and spitting into competitive sports. It is possible to be physically, mentally, and emotionally strong and yet still allow the man in your life to feel like a man. I don't give a rat's *kitten* what year it is, and neither does biology. I wear a dress or skirt and high heels every day. I prefer dominant, hyper-masculine men. I can also squat 270 lbs, and the most masculine men I know actually find that very sexy, not threatening.
My advice to you is to get as strong as you want to be. When you get to that point, you will love yourself more, and that will be all the reality check your husband needs on this matter.
Oh goodie. I love it when feminists pretend they aren't feminists and call fellow feminists "anti-men".
How do you interpret this post as feminist?
I'll tell you how I interpret it as a "feminist". They have a relationship that works for them. Awesome. She wants to change it slightly. They are both going to need to work through it to find a "new normal". They do this by communicating and compromise.
People can have whatever kind of relationships they want. People also change as they age. OP got married young to an older man, she's going to do the majority of the changing and they are going to both have to work through it.
My comment wasn't in reference to the OP, it was in regards to the comment about ItsCasey's reply.
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It takes a whole lot of testosterone for a woman to get bulky.
Why doesn't he lift as well? If he really has a problem and fear of not being the 'Alpha' in a relationship then why doesn't get put for the effort and hit the gym himself?0 -
This probably won't be very helpful but one could make the argument that being a strong woman is even more traditional, old-fashioned mindset than what you describe e.g. not being allowed to operate a BBQ or take out that trash. Prior to the Industrial Revolution women were involved in agriculture and home production work and were, by necessity, strong. Sure, there were tasks that were considered more masculine or feminine but whether it was swinging an axe to chop some firewood or carrying water from the creek to the home women were involved in the physical labor required to survive. These notions you discuss of being weak and not allowed to do physical labor are actually quite modern and have only recently - post WWII - really begun to change in a widespread way.
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GothyFaery wrote: »itsfuntobenormal wrote: »GothyFaery wrote: »itsfuntobenormal wrote: »GothyFaery wrote: »Dragonwolf wrote: »GothyFaery wrote: »Some_Watery_Tart wrote: »And if you'd like to avoid the "can of worms" in the future, I would suggest you avoid using the term "Stepford wife". It's not considered a positive thing. It was a horror story. Maybe June Cleaver would be more appropriate.
I'm sorry, I don't see the term Stepford wife as anything negitive. It would be the biggest compliment to me if someone said I was a Stepford wife. I didn't think I was the only one who thought this way.
Have you ever seen The Stepford Wives (or read the book)? Stepford was a dystopian, gated community where the wives were systematically replaced by (or turned into) robots that did the man's every whim without thought or question. Many of the women were formerly activists or otherwise very independent women. They were stripped of all independent personality, against their will.
Being a "Stepford wife" is in no way, shape or form a good thing, and has never been. To say that you're a "Stepford wife" means, by definition, that you've been stripped of all independence, both in thought and action. Is that something you really want?
Yes, I like the movies and the book. To me being a Stepford wife doesn't mean having no control (because they can't make me a robot). It means being everything my husband wants and making him completely happy in every way and doing it all with a smile. The Stepford wife ideal to me is basically being the perfect wife. I don't see it negitivly and I really thought more women thought this way. I guess I was wrong.
You understand that your husband isn't giving you the same level of support you idealize giving him though and that's what we're all reacting to, right?
He gives me that level of support in every other aspect of our lives. That's why I made this post. I've never come across this side of him and I don't know how to handle it. I just want him to understand that me lifting isn't changing anything about our relationship. I still need and want him and I always will.
You have never come across it because you have always conformed. It is changing your relationship because you are doing something he is not happy with.
In every other aspect of your lives -- let's talk about those. What do you outside of your desire to tend to him, please him and always have a smile on your face? Do you go to school? Job? Hobby?
Is there anything in life you do that is totally separate from him that he supports, that's my question...
I have a job (I'm a lead over a team) and he supports me there. I enjoy musicals and he gladdly watches them with me even though he hates it. For our anniversarry every year he dresses up (even though he hates it) and takes me out to a fancy dinner and a show in Vegas (he would rather just drink any gamble but he does this because it makes me happy). We're both into tattoos but that's another hobby of mine that he supports. I would die without eating Taco Bell. It doesn't agree with him so when we pick of TB for me, he gets something else without complaining. When I'm not feeling well he tells me over and over again not to cook and that he will just make a sandwich. What else do you want to know?
I think these details are important.
It's easy to see your situation as a woman who married her older husband when she was very young, and now he's struggling to let her grow and develop into a fully formed individual because it challenges his sense of security, which is wrapped up in a particular lifestyle that's based on values that prioritize a man's happiness over a woman's.
Honestly, I think the best way to go about this is ask him to join you. Maybe ask him to teach you lifts you do not currently do?
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Lasmartchika wrote: »GothyFaery wrote: »Lasmartchika wrote: »JeffseekingV wrote: »How to do I NOT get notifications on this specific thread?
Right? What in the name of all things green is that about?
Someone suggested to me that I should turn off the "notify me in a thread i posted" and I should just bookmark a topic with the star. That way I keep getting notified but when I'm bored I can just turn off the star. Best advice ever!!
Does she lift weights in a dress/skirt? That is something weird. :huh:
Why is it weird to lift in a dress? I do it all at home so it's not like someone can see up there or anything. BTW I don't lift in a dress, but I don't understand why it would be weird if I did.
I was just curious cuz you said you only wear dresses... and you're asking advice about the lifting weights and stuff... Which by the way, (I truly haven't read what people wrote so I don't know if it's been suggested) maybe you shouldn't lift while he's home, like don't do it in his presence. If that's possible, maybe that could help.
She can't do that because they are never apart from each other.0 -
PikaKnight wrote: »You say you don't have secrets and such, but you are on here posting about this on the internet to a bunch of strangers? Does he know about this?
Have you considered maybe talking with those in a similar relationship style as yours that have faced such dilemmas? Maybe on Fetlife?
This is a great idea...0 -
GothyFaery wrote: »GothyFaery wrote: »Lasmartchika wrote: »JeffseekingV wrote: »How to do I NOT get notifications on this specific thread?
Right? What in the name of all things green is that about?
Someone suggested to me that I should turn off the "notify me in a thread i posted" and I should just bookmark a topic with the star. That way I keep getting notified but when I'm bored I can just turn off the star. Best advice ever!!
Does she lift weights in a dress/skirt? That is something weird. :huh:
Why is it weird to lift in a dress? I do it all at home so it's not like someone can see up there or anything. BTW I don't lift in a dress, but I don't understand why it would be weird if I did.
Depending on the lift, I would think a dress would get in the way. I can just see myself snagging the hem on the bar and then giving everyone a show.
But again, it's all done at home so there's no one to see the show. Now some dresses wouldn't be fit for some lifts. Like trying to squat in a wiggle dress would be next to impossible but a circle dress would be fine for 95% of lifting as long as it wasn't too tight around the bust.
I don't lift in my dresses because I don't want to ruin them but if I bought a few cheap ones, I probably wouldn't mind it. Still prefer bra and undies but I could make a dress work if I tried.
Wait up wait up wait up!! You do this in your undies? And your husband wants you to stop? And it's getting in the way of your sex life? I'm sorry, I take back my advice. Lift in font of him!! If he doesn't get turned on by his half naked wife, then there's something more wrong with him!!
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PikaKnight wrote: »You say you don't have secrets and such, but you are on here posting about this on the internet to a bunch of strangers? Does he know about this?
Have you considered maybe talking with those in a similar relationship style as yours that have faced such dilemmas? Maybe on Fetlife?
No, he doesn't know. I tried to talk to him about it this weekend and it didn't seem to work. I thought maybe someone else here would have gone through this before and have some specific advice. I didn't think it would get crazy.
I haven't looked at places like fetlife because this isn't a fetish. This isn't some S&M thing (not into that). It's just how I live. It's weird to me that more people here don't understand it but I'm sure I wouldn't understand the specifics of a lot of people's relelationships either. Just because it's not what 90% of people are doing, doesn't mean it's a fetish.
And honestly the whole Stepford thing is way more in my mind than his. I'm the one who is striving to be the perfect wife (yet another thing I don't understand seems crazy to a lot of people), he's not forcing me to be that way.0 -
GothyFaery wrote: »PikaKnight wrote: »You say you don't have secrets and such, but you are on here posting about this on the internet to a bunch of strangers? Does he know about this?
Have you considered maybe talking with those in a similar relationship style as yours that have faced such dilemmas? Maybe on Fetlife?
No, he doesn't know. I tried to talk to him about it this weekend and it didn't seem to work. I thought maybe someone else here would have gone through this before and have some specific advice. I didn't think it would get crazy.
I haven't looked at places like fetlife because this isn't a fetish. This isn't some S&M thing (not into that). It's just how I live. It's weird to me that more people here don't understand it but I'm sure I wouldn't understand the specifics of a lot of people's relelationships either. Just because it's not what 90% of people are doing, doesn't mean it's a fetish.
And honestly the whole Stepford thing is way more in my mind than his. I'm the one who is striving to be the perfect wife (yet another thing I don't understand seems crazy to a lot of people), he's not forcing me to be that way.
Umm...Yes, actually, this is a fetish. Fetishes aren't just S&M type deals..and S&M covers a lot of aspects, not just physical but mental/emotional as well.
There are those that are into the 1950/Stepford Wife fetishes both in and out of the bedroom. This is totally a fetish..as is another aspect of your relationship but I'm not going to mention it here because it's a bit controversial to those that might not get all the facts on it.
This is totally a kink relationship and I suggest you mosey on over to Fetlife because you are going to get a rude awakening. :laugh:0
This discussion has been closed.
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