How to get my husband to accept me lifting heavy?
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basically this, you met and decided on a pre-arranged way of living. he the caretaker you being taken care of. And now you are changing the agreement and you are changing it without really consulting him.
For example, my partner and I have an agreement that I pay all the bills and costs of running the home, we live on one income. Mine. His income is for all entertainment, investment and lifestyle purchases. If I were to suddenly decide that he would pay the mortgage without discussing it with him, well he'd be upset.
I'm not saying change is bad. I think you have a great thing going on here. i think getting stronger and independent and capable are awesome things. But you are changing the agreement of which you predicated your relationship on. And it sounds like you are changing it without giving him much say.
If you change the way he thought the two of you promised you would live out your lives together, he has two options, he can accept those changes, or he can fall out of love. I'm sorry but that is an option. I think you need to have a long talk with him about the direction you are going in and then you have to accept the choices he will make as a result of those.
He's entitled to change too.
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How traditional are you? If you go back long enough, women did ALOT of really strenuous work on plains of the wilderness circa 1700-1800s.
There's also the life longevity and quality of life issues going on. He doesn't want you to longer and live a quality life for a longer period of time?0 -
I'm not going to dis your relationship, if your relationship is this way and is consensual and you are happy, then more power to you. As for having him understand, explain the health benefits, and how it will help improve your sex life. If he wants to be involved, lift together. His negativity is based on insecurity. You are stepping beyond the bounds established in your relationship and he is worried that more changes will come or that you will leave him for someone younger/healthier/sexier/etc.0
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GothyFaery wrote: »GothyFaery wrote: »
Yes, I like the movies and the book. To me being a Stepford wife doesn't mean having no control (because they can't make me a robot). It means being everything my husband wants and making him completely happy in every way and doing it all with a smile. The Stepford wife ideal to me is basically being the perfect wife. I don't see it negitivly and I really thought more women thought this way. I guess I was wrong.
While it is normal to want to please your spouse, it is unrealistic to think that anyone can "make him completely happy in every way and doing it all with a smile" absolutely all of the time. Because people are not perfect. What happens when something happens and you fail to do something? Does he react negatively? Do you beat yourself up about it? Also, people do change and grow as people. Sometimes interests change through the years. Are you going to suppress your own wishes in exchange for his happiness? Or are you going to develop a relationship where it is okay to have different interests?
He doesn't get upset when my goal of being the perfect wife fails. In fact, he doesn't really understand why I think I need to be either. I do feel horrible when I can't be the perfect wife. No, I don't plan to stop lifting because he isn't happy about it. I would like to find a way for us to both be happy.
How long have you been lifting? If you enjoy it and don't want to give it up, why don't you ask him to wait for a certain amount of time, so that you can show him just how good it is for your body? You can take metrics on your weight, body fat, inches lost, etc. Even schedule a doc appointment and track your health markers. After a certain amount of time, you can come back and show him just how much you've improved. Then, it isn't about becoming bulky (you'll have lost not gained), it isn't about your strength increases (if that hurts your June Cleaver image), and it isn't about not needing him (you'll have showed him in other areas of your marriage). It is simply about your health, and who can argue with that?
Honestly, I don't think it's anything of the sort. I totally agree that the insecurity is from you changing the paradigm of your relationship. He's worried he won't fit in to your new lifestyle and you'll find someone else who does. If that's the case, I think the same advice goes: give you time to show him it doesn't change how you feel about him or your marriage thus far. Maybe he won't be "totally and perfectly happy" in the meantime, but that's what marriage is - growing and changing as a couple.0 -
yopeeps025 wrote: »Walk around him at home naked.
I do. I really, really hate wearing clothes.....0 -
RoseyDgirl wrote: »gothy, it sounds like a wonderful relationship that you love each other so much that you don't drive each other crazy with all that togetherness.
(sorry, single girl mind-set, I've been too independent for a very long time, and even too much seeing of my best friends would drive me batty.)
that said, how do you fit in time with your girlfriends? Surely you have some time to do girls things, mani-pedis, dinners out to catch up, dancing? ... what about when he goes out to see his friends?
How can anyone NOT have alone time????? I'm freaking out just thinking of that being a possibility. A person's got to have some boundries (even being married), right?
I don't really have girlfriends. We live in a tiny town so there's really nothing to do anyways. I have friends that I know from work but we don't hang out after work. I really don't like people enough to activly try to spend time with them. I've always been this way. In high school I had like 2 close friends and we never talked outside of school.0 -
What does the bible say?-1
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I TOTALLY thought I was going to get some work done now, and BAM, this thread comes to my attention.
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LolBroScience wrote: »Mamahana82 wrote: »If you can hear me over the raging anti-man crowd (masquerading as pro-woman) ...
I am so unbelievably sick of this false dichotomy that suggests you have only have two choices: be weak, scared, and lifeless, while handing over control of your life to your husband, OR be a cornfed hermaphrodite who prefers to spend all her time turning burping, farting, and spitting into competitive sports. It is possible to be physically, mentally, and emotionally strong and yet still allow the man in your life to feel like a man. I don't give a rat's *kitten* what year it is, and neither does biology. I wear a dress or skirt and high heels every day. I prefer dominant, hyper-masculine men. I can also squat 270 lbs, and the most masculine men I know actually find that very sexy, not threatening.
My advice to you is to get as strong as you want to be. When you get to that point, you will love yourself more, and that will be all the reality check your husband needs on this matter.
Oh goodie. I love it when feminists pretend they aren't feminists and call fellow feminists "anti-men".
How do you interpret this post as feminist?
I'll tell you how I interpret it as a "feminist". They have a relationship that works for them. Awesome. She wants to change it slightly. They are both going to need to work through it to find a "new normal". They do this by communicating and compromise.
People can have whatever kind of relationships they want. People also change as they age. OP got married young to an older man, she's going to do the majority of the changing and they are going to both have to work through it.0 -
GothyFaery wrote: »Dragonwolf wrote: »GothyFaery wrote: »Some_Watery_Tart wrote: »And if you'd like to avoid the "can of worms" in the future, I would suggest you avoid using the term "Stepford wife". It's not considered a positive thing. It was a horror story. Maybe June Cleaver would be more appropriate.
I'm sorry, I don't see the term Stepford wife as anything negitive. It would be the biggest compliment to me if someone said I was a Stepford wife. I didn't think I was the only one who thought this way.
Have you ever seen The Stepford Wives (or read the book)? Stepford was a dystopian, gated community where the wives were systematically replaced by (or turned into) robots that did the man's every whim without thought or question. Many of the women were formerly activists or otherwise very independent women. They were stripped of all independent personality, against their will.
Being a "Stepford wife" is in no way, shape or form a good thing, and has never been. To say that you're a "Stepford wife" means, by definition, that you've been stripped of all independence, both in thought and action. Is that something you really want?
Yes, I like the movies and the book. To me being a Stepford wife doesn't mean having no control (because they can't make me a robot). It means being everything my husband wants and making him completely happy in every way and doing it all with a smile. The Stepford wife ideal to me is basically being the perfect wife. I don't see it negitivly and I really thought more women thought this way. I guess I was wrong.
That would be June Cleaver, not Stepford Wife.
If you really want to be a Stepford Wife, then you only have one option -- to quit lifting. Stepford Wives exist purely to do what the husband tells them to.
For you, this has worked wonderfully while what you wanted to do and what he wanted you to do were aligned. Now they're not, and one way or another, you two have to reconcile that.
But yes, there are other women (and men, for that matter), who do think the way you do. That's why I've said to look into the Dom/sub subculture. I think it's quite along the lines of what you're looking for, and you'll find a number of like-minded people.
Regardless, you need to talk to him. This is just going to go in circles, because we're not him. We've said a number of times that we think he's insecure about something, but no amount of us talking to you is going to fix it. It's probably going to suck to some degree. Someone's ego is going to get hurt. In the end, though, your relationship will be better for it.0 -
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itsfuntobenormal wrote: »GothyFaery wrote: »itsfuntobenormal wrote: »GothyFaery wrote: »Dragonwolf wrote: »GothyFaery wrote: »Some_Watery_Tart wrote: »And if you'd like to avoid the "can of worms" in the future, I would suggest you avoid using the term "Stepford wife". It's not considered a positive thing. It was a horror story. Maybe June Cleaver would be more appropriate.
I'm sorry, I don't see the term Stepford wife as anything negitive. It would be the biggest compliment to me if someone said I was a Stepford wife. I didn't think I was the only one who thought this way.
Have you ever seen The Stepford Wives (or read the book)? Stepford was a dystopian, gated community where the wives were systematically replaced by (or turned into) robots that did the man's every whim without thought or question. Many of the women were formerly activists or otherwise very independent women. They were stripped of all independent personality, against their will.
Being a "Stepford wife" is in no way, shape or form a good thing, and has never been. To say that you're a "Stepford wife" means, by definition, that you've been stripped of all independence, both in thought and action. Is that something you really want?
Yes, I like the movies and the book. To me being a Stepford wife doesn't mean having no control (because they can't make me a robot). It means being everything my husband wants and making him completely happy in every way and doing it all with a smile. The Stepford wife ideal to me is basically being the perfect wife. I don't see it negitivly and I really thought more women thought this way. I guess I was wrong.
You understand that your husband isn't giving you the same level of support you idealize giving him though and that's what we're all reacting to, right?
He gives me that level of support in every other aspect of our lives. That's why I made this post. I've never come across this side of him and I don't know how to handle it. I just want him to understand that me lifting isn't changing anything about our relationship. I still need and want him and I always will.
You have never come across it because you have always conformed. It is changing your relationship because you are doing something he is not happy with.
In every other aspect of your lives -- let's talk about those. What do you outside of your desire to tend to him, please him and always have a smile on your face? Do you go to school? Job? Hobby?
Is there anything in life you do that is totally separate from him that he supports, that's my question...
I have a job (I'm a lead over a team) and he supports me there. I enjoy musicals and he gladdly watches them with me even though he hates it. For our anniversarry every year he dresses up (even though he hates it) and takes me out to a fancy dinner and a show in Vegas (he would rather just drink any gamble but he does this because it makes me happy). We're both into tattoos but that's another hobby of mine that he supports. I would die without eating Taco Bell. It doesn't agree with him so when we pick of TB for me, he gets something else without complaining. When I'm not feeling well he tells me over and over again not to cook and that he will just make a sandwich. What else do you want to know?0 -
FitFitzy331 wrote: »"How can I get my sexist husband to be less sexist but still stay sort of sexist like I am?" /facepalm
yea basically. I almost think that she's trolling everyone. What self respecting woman in this day and age would honestly want to be a Stepford Wife? The Stepford wives didn't even want to be Stepford Wives!
Yeah, but read her description of being a Stepford Wife. It really isn't very Stepford Wife at all. Those women had no choice. She's talking about a desire to meet his ideal of the perfect wife, which happens to be a 50's-era ideal.
She even admits that he doesn't get why she gets upset with herself if she doesn't meet her own standard of perfection, so the Stepford connotation that her behavior is entirely dictated by him regardless of her wants is obviously not accurate.
So again, I say, be patient, keep lifting, don't rub it in his face (don't lie about it either) and he will probably come around.0 -
Why would the man that is supposed to love you not support something that is ultimately great for your health and confidence?
I find this relationship dynamic to be very confusing, and one-sided.0 -
The Judgy McJudgersons are out in full force today. Whose business is it how they choose to live their lives? OP, what you are asking for is advice on something that may be incompatible with your husband's preconceived notions of your relationship. The best way to find out what to do is to simply ask him. Then, discuss and decide what to do as a partnership.
BTW, I have been to the town where you live, and I think it is a nice place (except when it is crazy hot) - it is perfect for a couple who loves to do little besides spend time together.0 -
not reading all 6 pages, sorry BUT from the first couple I agree with a lot of these people.
You married this guy as someone different, overweight, and probably a lot more timid. I also gather from the photos your husband is much older than you, probably stuck in his ways as most older folks are and he's overweight.
I think this is a culmination of being insecure about his wife being stronger than him and an inability to accept change. If you want to be the stepford wife type person, hey that is your choice, but as it stands now it's obvious you aren't going to be able to bulk or or life heavy AND do that at the same time. You're only 25 and you need to really sit down and decide what you want out of life. If being with this guy and having to sacrifice what YOU want with YOUR body is what you're into then cool. Personally no way in hell I would do that.
I also am married to an older man, I also live what most people would call old fashioned marriage but in a lot of ways not so much. I'm not hating on all that. My comments are based solely on the photos and what I've read so far.
If you're truly his equal by the way, you need to sit down and have a long conversation and talk about each other insecurities and describe and set boundries for each other. And unfortunately you might have to go your separate ways after awhile. What I'm saying is, you're probably 2/3rds the way through your life and life is too dang short so do what makes you happy.
If that isn't helpful, sorry but I tried
Also I understand the wanting to defend your life and your spouse but you're being really defensive. Might want to evaluate WHY this bothers you so much. Not trying to go all Dr Phil on you but... yeah kinda true.0 -
Well, if you don't figure out some boundries soon, this control situation (by him) will only become more visable when he retires. It's great you want to be the perfect wife - but you still have 40 years of work ahead of you, and hopefully taking on new hobbies, learning new skills, planning continually new goals for your future, to keep you happy too.
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- and, in a few years, when he's retiring, he's going to want you at home with him more because his days will 'suddenly' be empty without the day job.
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- It's great that you both love each other so much, but you need to define a life away from each other, so that you can be the best person you can be, and not only be doing everything to be 'his' world at the detriment of your own growth and life.
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- Believe me, I understand what it's like to be in a relationship with an older person - My mother was 20 years younger than my father - she was 23 and him 43 when they married - and because of this age difference, I never saw my mother act like a young adult - she took on my father's age and his mindset. And, I will say to you that it's a shame that looked at age so horribly (crying when she turned 30?) - when 30 is not old...
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- Gothie, you are still a young woman and you should have dreams and goals - and they may be different than your husband's. It's ok, you can be married, happy, and have lives together and separately - but it has to come from you to stick up for yourself and claim these desires - otherwise, you will always be the one giving up everything to make sure that your husband is the happy one.
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My suggestions would be: Make some friends and make a few hours social event at least once a week, join a gym (and buy some shorts to exercise outside your house), take at least one gym class that doesn't include your husband tied to your hip, and if your exercise routine is not the same as his - it's your life, girl. Live it.
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How to do I NOT get notifications on this specific thread?0
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JeffseekingV wrote: »How to do I NOT get notifications on this specific thread?
Right? What in the name of all things green is that about?0
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