Is it important that your Spouse lose weight too?
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Because people decide the other person in the relationship is an extension of themselves and not an individual.Iwishyouwell wrote: »
And this is why the divorce rate is so high ...Iwishyouwell wrote: »Many, if not most, of us here constitute the less fat/former fat/how'd I get so fat crowd who have decided that weight loss, for whatever reasons, is an imperative part of our journeys.
And a lot of us have spouses who likewise are overweight or obese.
How important is it that your spouse have the desire, and make the effort, to join in their own weight loss pursuit? Do you find yourself holding them up to similar standards as you do yourself? If they aren't losing weight, or getting fit, and don't plan to, is that an issue in your marriage?
Why is the divorce rate so high?
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I guess I never even think about it. It doesn't cross my mind on a regular basis at all. It's easy to think about your own weight but I don't fixate on his. He's the only one who is responsible for making changes so why would I worry about it? There's really nothing I can do about it so... I'll just mosey along.0
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Iwishyouwell wrote: »0somuchbetter0 wrote: »Iwishyouwell wrote: »0somuchbetter0 wrote: »Iwishyouwell wrote: »0somuchbetter0 wrote: »Iwishyouwell wrote: »bornforbattles wrote: »I look at it like this, I'm always going to be fit so why should I be with someone that isn't/wont be?
Spoken like a true 27 year old. I thought the same way until I needed knee surgery on both knees from running every day at the age of 38. Gained 40lbs afterwards because it was difficult getting out of bed much less getting to the gym every day. No one stays the same all of their life. You will eventually have struggles with your weight, whether it's at 28 or 88, it will happen.
But you didn't gain 40lbs because of a knee injury. You gained 40lbs because you continued to eat like a man who still was running every day.
It amazes me that people can be in the middle of a weight loss journey and still blame every single external for what got them in trouble in the first place. How do you learn to take responsibility for your actions if you're still blaming your kids, your busy job, your knee injury, the state of the country, the fact that Twinkies came back, or any other external factor that did not force any of us to overeat?
Have you ever had any serious medical problems? I haven't -- my demons and resulting obesity are my fault and mine alone, but I've had friends who have and I've seen what sudden lack of mobility or medication or tumors can do. You're being unfair.
I'm being unfair to say that overeating for your activity level is a choice?
That's not a judgement. It's a fact.
A friend of mine broke her back and lost the use of her legs. While she was lying in the hospital for 8 months she gained 75 lbs. Immobility can mess with your system in many ways, including muscle atrophy, endocrine and hormone imbalances, depression, edema, and so on. It's not just a matter of saying "ho hum, I'm just going to lie in bed while I recover from this surgery (or stroke or whatever) so I'd better cut my calorie consumption down by X%." Another friend of mine was in a motorcycle accident and lost the use of his legs -- while in rehab he gained 50 lbs. Another friend of mine picked up a brain parasite in Mozambique and has been on corticosteroids for 9 months, gaining over 60 lbs. Another friend of mine had a tumor on his pituitary, which had to be removed. He gained 100 lbs.
Here's a fact for you: you never know what's going to happen.
Horrible situations, I agree.
However are you suggesting that, outside of fluid retention, all the people in those situation HAD to gain 50, 75, 100lbs and that their own food choices had nothing to do with the excess weight?
I am not saying they were wrong to, not at all, especially considering their challenges. I could tell you plenty of medical horror stories about people I love, who actually did NOT become obese and morbidly obese as a result, and some that did; my oldest friend, a professional dancer, suffered an injury just last year in a show and he, who has always been lean and fit, packed on 50 lbs as a result of continuing to eat like he was still dancing for a living.
All I'm trying ascertain here is if people are seriously suggesting that if you become injured, or even immobile, it means fat literally accumulates on your body against your will? Your caloric choices have nothing to do with it?
You don't understand. The cases I mentioned are not healthy bodies that are just lying around eating Twinkies. A body that has gone through severe trauma and immobility doesn't function normally. Endocrine and hormone imbalances can and often do result in weight gain, regardless of what the person is eating. A common side effect of corticosteroids is massive weight gain. These are extreme examples, yes, but they're in response to the absolute black and white attitude of some of the people posting on this thread. Again, as I've said since the beginning, you never know what's going to happen.
Severe conditions and medications that cause weight gain against your will obviously aren't debatable, which I mentioned.
But conditions do not account for anywhere near the overwhelming majority of people who are overweight or obese, including those dealing with illness or injury.
Also it is not physiologically possible to become fat "regardless of what you eat". Take even an immobile person on a corticosteroid and stick them in a room with water, and no food, and trust me, they will eventually waste away.
It's important to note that while some corticosteroids do slightly inhibit metabolism, weight gain from their usage is typically fluid and as an indirect result of an increase in appetite.
Which means most people gain weight from the medication not because it's in their system, but because they feel hungrier due to the meds and proceed to overconsume.
I don't see the point of continuing this conversation if you refuse to accept the facts. Do a search on MedLine if you don't believe me. cheers.
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Because people decide the other person in the relationship is an extension of themselves and not an individual.
OK. I was just confused because nothing in the OP said that.0somuchbetter0 wrote: »I don't see the point of continuing this conversation if you refuse to accept the facts. Do a search on MedLine if you don't believe me. cheers.
I don't need to do any further research, I'm aware. But I understand if you want to draw the discussion to a close. Thanks for chatting with me.
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Iwishyouwell wrote: »
And this is why the divorce rate is so high ...Iwishyouwell wrote: »Many, if not most, of us here constitute the less fat/former fat/how'd I get so fat crowd who have decided that weight loss, for whatever reasons, is an imperative part of our journeys.
And a lot of us have spouses who likewise are overweight or obese.
How important is it that your spouse have the desire, and make the effort, to join in their own weight loss pursuit? Do you find yourself holding them up to similar standards as you do yourself? If they aren't losing weight, or getting fit, and don't plan to, is that an issue in your marriage?
Why is the divorce rate so high?
Dunno?
...but I'm divorced because my ex-husband, who has 5% body fat and compete's in body building competitions, truly believes he's too good to work...and I got sick and tired of dragging my *kitten* to work every day to support my family so he could work out.
...there's more to a relationship that a low body fat percentage!0 -
the answer is no, although it could give you a good excuse should you want it0
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I don't put any pressure on my gf to lose weight. That's entirely up to her and I love her the way she is. I think she beats herself up more for not being as active as I am but I just tell her it's totally ok. She finds art therapeutic, I find working out therapeutic.0
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I wouldn't hold my fiancée up to my own standards because I know each person has to go on this journey themselves and find what works for them. What works for me won't work for him. His weight would only cause problems in our relationship if his health were at risk. Currently he's about 20 pounds overweight (but you could never tell) and he has high blood pressure (he's had it since childhood but takes medication).
I would only be bothered if he stated he wanted to lose weight but didn't do anything about it. Currently he's trying and that's enough for me. If he were 100 lbs overweight it would be a different issue.
It's all about his health though, not appearances, as some people stated. I have always been physically attracted to him no matter his size.
However, I do think losing weight is A LOT easier if both partners are on the same page.0 -
My girlfriend lost 13 pounds over about three - four months. Her husband decided he wanted to lose weight too and he lost 22 pounds in two months. It totally demoralized her.0
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I would like my husband to lose weight for his health. He would like to lose weight, too, but he is totally clueless on counting calories and doesn't want to log his food, so I don't see it happening any time soon. I know his feet would feel a lot better if he took 50 lbs off (and so does he) and then we could do more walking together, but it's his choice, not mine.0
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lthames0810 wrote: »I can't help but consider this issue from the perspective of the spouse who is not actively trying to get fit and lean. If one partner suddenly gets the fitness bug and starts to make radical changes to the way they want to eat or starts taking a lot of time away from the family for their exercise, it could very well cause some issues in the marriage. Even if they say nothing about the other's looks or fitness, there can be an implied judgment just based on what they now seem to value above all else.
Yup and Yup. This is what happened to me - he is still very insecure about me having a new life that he is not a part of but he also makes no effort to be part of that life.
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My DH is overweight also - he was a few pounds overweight when I met him (I was obese when we got together to begin with), and over the past few years has gained 60 pounds. I worry about his health because of high blood pressure, stroke/aneurysms that run in his family, but I don't care either way about the aesthetics.
He used to not care about weight loss for himself (he never has focused on it for me either, even now). My thought is that weight is personal and is an individual journey - he can't lose it for me and I can't lose his weight for him. I started counting my calories on my own. He decided on his own to start working out. I work out with him to be supportive of his goal. We do support each other.
He doesn't count calories, and I accept that because it's my thing. If he quit working out, I would feel bad for him, but it wouldn't make me leave him for a fitter person - that's silly to me. I know what I signed up for when I married him, and my goals are my own. My DH is not an extension of myself.0 -
^^--- I agree.0
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DeirdreWoodwardSanders wrote: »My girlfriend lost 13 pounds over about three - four months. Her husband decided he wanted to lose weight too and he lost 22 pounds in two months. It totally demoralized her.
That makes absolutely no sense at all^^^
Nope, but are you surprised?
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My husband is fit now, he has to be for his job. If, in the future, he gained weight, I think my view on him losing it would depend on how he's feeling.
Right now, my husband and I go to the gym 3 times a week, run 3 times a week, and go hiking once a week. We both really enjoy the activity. If he got to the point where he couldn't enjoy it, and I could see that he was unhappy, I think I would expect him to change. If he didn't mind it, and had high self esteem/was physically healthy, I wouldn't expect him to lose it.
I don't know where we'll be in 20 or more years, or what our interests will be. We may realize that all the time spent on physical activity is better spent elsewhere, and that's okay. I think as long as he's happy, reasonably healthy, and confident, then it's not my place to say he should lose weight.
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If he was overweight too, then no, not really. It would only be a problem if he actively tried to stop me from excercising, eating different meals or criticised me for trying to lose weight.
It's the reverse for us but he's always been dead supportive. He's a long distance runner and has gotten more serious about it over the last few years, but he never demanded I got fit at any point. It goes without saying that as it is, it's not important he lose weight too - he'd be emaciated!
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My husband is chubby. He acknowledges this. However, right now he can't really do much in that department, being that he's been going through many dental procedures. He's very limited in what he can eat at the moment, but once his mouth is in working order, he does want to eat better and work out and all that.0
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