Dealing with people who try to derail you.

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  • callyart
    callyart Posts: 209
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    I have people who tell me not to worry because they think my weight is fine. All I want to achieve is a normal BMI and to feel healthier and happier, and I put that over every thing anyone else says to me.

    I would definitely consider privately telling her how you feel. I would think that she's probably concerned that she can't lose weight so she wants the people around her to stay the same. Maybe you can explain how you are finding your weight loss journey? It might encourage her to give it a go and give you someone to talk to about the weight loss.

    I was encouraged by a friend who went from around 16 stone to under 11 stone in 2 years. At the time I didn't understand why she wanted to keep losing after losing a couple of stone, but then I started to gain a bit more and realised I was heading to where she used to be and that she had done it for a reason, and she really gave me a kick up the backside just by indirectly showing me how great a person can feel and be by losing weight. I started to do it and then another friend of mine followed. We're all the smallest we've been in years (we were all overweight in college) and we're all amazed at how great we've done :)
  • JoRocka
    JoRocka Posts: 17,525 Member
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    punch her in the face.


    just kidding.




    (or not)


    Really people don't like seeing successful REAL changes. It throws into sharp contrast their inability to implement the same results in their life. So while they aren't consciously trying to put you down- pull you down- or stop you- they subconsciously are feeling bad about themselves- and what you did was "good enough"

    Smile and say thank you and move on.


    If they push the issue - resort to my first option listed.

    Or well- come back and we'll give you some significantly more snarky things to say. Because that ALWAYS works.

    Good luck on your continued journey!!!
  • gothchiq
    gothchiq Posts: 4,590 Member
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    I get people attempting to sabotage me all the time. I just give them a stern look and say "I am following my doctor's orders. This diet and weight loss are medically necessary." I mean, it's true. They still try to say "just one twinkie won't kill you," I say "no, I won't do that."
  • cebreisch
    cebreisch Posts: 1,340 Member
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    My dad used to say something to the effect of "Best to shut mouth and be thought a fool than open it and remove all doubt." Don't let that fool derail you. Whatever it is, it's part of her own insecurity.

    I remember telling people at work where I wanted to get down to, and they said something to the effect of "There won't be anything left of you!" I said, "That's the point!"

    My husband got down to about 130 and people were telling him he didn't look healthy. Well, admittedly, he should have been eating a little more due to the amount of exercise he was doing, but he was still within the healthy BMI range.

    You replied with an appropriate answer, and she still kept going. Just move on. You know what you're doing, why you're doing it, and you're successful. You're on the right path and doing the right things - and that's all you need.
  • ironblossom
    ironblossom Posts: 5
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    I would just say something like "I hear you" or "I'll consider that" that way she feels like her concerns are being taken seriously by you and then you walk away and go right on taking care of and feeling good about yourself.

    I know a woman who is sort of related to me (by two marriages) who was always overweight and always wanted a boob job, so she got a personal trainer and a dietician and worked really really hard to get super skinny and looked great, got the boob job and a little lipo while she was at it. She looked great! But she has now put back on about 20 pounds. She still would look great if she purchased clothes that fit, but she keeps trying to wear size 4s while she's now a solid 6-8.

    Regardless, during the same time period, I've lost about 40 pounds and I have about 40 to go. I'm doing it slower but I'm definitely hoping to keep it off! (I also work, she doesn't, and there are other factors that keep me just a lot busier.) So what was my Christmas gift from her this year? Food. Fudge. Sugar cookies, chocolate chip cookies, peanut butter cookies, various other candies. Popcorn.

    I walked out of the house and looked at my husband and just laughed. I told him, get this stuff out of my sight, or I'll eat it all! And we got home and over the next 4 days I did indeed eat. it. all.

    So it worked, her little derail worked.

    I have my own opinion about her reasons, but the bottom line is that it worked because I let it. I could have put it away, I could have had my husband take it to his office. I didn't. And I'm paying for it. She's not! She didn't get heartburn because she ate two pieces of fudge and a handful of sugar cookies before bed! She didn't watch the scale creep up pound after pound!

    So think about who's going to pay if you listen to your derailers. Are they? No. You are. You know what you need to do, you know what's good for you. You, and your doctor, know where you need to be. Ignore the jealousy, ignore the "you're fine/beautiful/fit/healthy just the way you are!" If you were fine/beautiful/fit/healthy, you wouldn't be here, and you wouldn't care if someone said that to you.
  • gothchiq
    gothchiq Posts: 4,590 Member
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    And the remark about "not listening" to your doctor? OMG. I would have to challenge that. I might tell her there is a good reason why doctors are giving this advice. While staring at her midsection.
  • dakotababy
    dakotababy Posts: 2,406 Member
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    Whether or not it is medically necessary - who cares? It really is none of your co-workers business. I would not even stoop to giving an explanation as to why you want to get healthy? (does a person really need one?!)

    In the beginning, I felt like many people were sabotaging my efforts. I just kept on going, and looked to MFP for support and like-minded people to talk to during this journey. Often, when someone tells you not to lose weight, it is due to their own insecurities. (Unless they have a legitimate concern about eating disorders...which I think this is more of a family thing, not a co-worker discussion).
  • PRMinx
    PRMinx Posts: 4,585 Member
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    I would lose the mentality of "someone is trying to derail me." That gives over too much power to other people. Just do you. People say stupid sh&t all the time. That's life.
  • Paix_Amour
    Paix_Amour Posts: 34 Member
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    You're protecting your sight and your health. Your doctor has told you this is the BEST for you. Your primary reason is not esthetics, like it is for a lot of people. Haters are going to hate, and she's probably jealous that you're losing weight and she's not (agree with zac775!). Stick to it. You're doing the right thing, and you DEFINITELY have my full support!!
  • yoovie
    yoovie Posts: 17,121 Member
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    i just giggle. it's adorable that they think they have anything to do with my body projects.

    if you dont want me to turn around and start pointing out body parts I dont like on you, or things you eat that are stupid, or how damn lazy you are, dont even think about saying words about my personal projects, which aren't your biz <3
  • yoovie
    yoovie Posts: 17,121 Member
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    PRMinx wrote: »
    I would lose the mentality of "someone is trying to derail me." That gives over too much power to other people. Just do you. People say stupid sh&t all the time. That's life.

    ^

    and build up a thicker skin now, cause it will happen for the rest of your life and it should never be a 'reason' to slow down or quit or question your goals.

  • aakaakaak
    aakaakaak Posts: 1,240 Member
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    I like getting all serious about it and making them cry about how disrespectful they're being to my healthy life choices. "Oh, you want me to eat just one twinkie because it won't hurt? I already enjoy what I eat without eating garbage. I control what I put in my mouth so that what I put in my mouth doesn't control me. The backstory I'm reading from this offer is that you want me to lose control, be unhealthy and die a fat disgusting diabetic slob. Do you dislike me that much? Yes, I know what you're saying with your mouth, but your actions are hurtful and unwelcome."
  • dubird
    dubird Posts: 1,849 Member
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    If she's normally a nice lady that you like and you feel like you need to say something, just tell her your doctor told you to lose weight so you won't go blind. And when the doctor says you've lost enough, that's where you'll stay. She doesn't need to know how much it is, but maybe telling her a doctor ordered it will make her stop commenting.
    Otherwise, smile and nod and go about your business. I learned that lesson a long time ago and it makes dealing with people who are negative or trying to control what you do a lot easier!

  • JoRocka
    JoRocka Posts: 17,525 Member
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    ^^^ Lol one step further- break down into tears and tell her you have the 'dbeetus and to thanks alot of her all "help".... you're going to go eat ice cream and probably die.

    then she she gets panicked and starts apologizing tell her just kidding- hopefully you learned your lesson and you'll leave me alone now.
  • aakaakaak
    aakaakaak Posts: 1,240 Member
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    JoRocka wrote: »
    ^^^ Lol one step further- break down into tears and tell her you have the 'dbeetus and to thanks alot of her all "help".... you're going to go eat ice cream and probably die.

    then she she gets panicked and starts apologizing tell her just kidding- hopefully you learned your lesson and you'll leave me alone now.

    YOU! I like your style.
  • _FATNSASSY
    _FATNSASSY Posts: 107 Member
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    No one person is the same... you have to learn to work around people like that... keep coming back to MFP... get more friends on MFP... You got this!
  • MoiAussi93
    MoiAussi93 Posts: 1,948 Member
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    She may actively be trying to derail you so that she "fits in" better with the group as others have said. Or she may genuinely think she is being helpful. Some people really do believe they are healthy at very high weights and that others are as well. It is hard to guess what her true motivations are. But it doesn't matter, just ignore her. I would just thank her and change the subject as you already do.

    I have found that almost everybody I know...whether they are very thin verging on underweight or overweight themselves...keeps saying things to me like "You don't need to lose anymore" or "Be careful you don't lose too much". If they ask what my goal is, they ALL say "Oh, that is much too low for you." For the record, I am still 10 pounds overweight based on BMI, and my goal to lose about 30 more which would be roughly the mid-point of the healthy BMI range.

    Some could just be being polite. But with others, I think the issue is that when people are used to seeing you at a certain weight, they come to accept that as "normal". If you deviate too much from that, even if you are still not anywhere close to being underweight, they become concerned that you are aiming for something unhealthy or may develop some eating disorder. My theory is that the "shock" of seeing you make major changes somehow causes an emotional reaction to override logic.

    I don't generally get into big discussions about it unless they are close friends. With others, I just say thanks and move on.

  • JVS1
    JVS1 Posts: 20 Member
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    Wow, I'm blown away by the support from you all here. It really means a lot to me. I appreciate all your advice and all the laughs you've given me today, which has given me another kick in the right direction! And some good tips for future sabotage!

    I'm actually 44, which I believe is the older end of the scale for this condition. Under normal circumstances, I'm very capable of looking after myself and taking on board the knocks we have in life having experienced many, and I have cared for others since I was 18, both professionally and personally. I think I'm feeling more vulnerable than usual, as for the first time, I'm now on the receiving end of the care and it's taking a little time to get used to. But I know I'll get there, and when I reach my goal of 145 lbs, which is a good weight for my height and build, I'll know I've done my bit to try and be healthy. My health is my own responsibility first and foremost.

    I think I ended up having a rant on here instead of chatting to my other colleague who lost weight, as she's not on duty until Thursday. ;) Thanks again and good luck to all of you with your weight loss/healthy living journeys.
    ironblossom wrote: »
    I would just say something like "I hear you" or "I'll consider that" that way she feels like her concerns are being taken seriously by you and then you walk away and go right on taking care of and feeling good about yourself.

    I know a woman who is sort of related to me (by two marriages) who was always overweight and always wanted a boob job, so she got a personal trainer and a dietician and worked really really hard to get super skinny and looked great, got the boob job and a little lipo while she was at it. She looked great! But she has now put back on about 20 pounds. She still would look great if she purchased clothes that fit, but she keeps trying to wear size 4s while she's now a solid 6-8.

    Regardless, during the same time period, I've lost about 40 pounds and I have about 40 to go. I'm doing it slower but I'm definitely hoping to keep it off! (I also work, she doesn't, and there are other factors that keep me just a lot busier.) So what was my Christmas gift from her this year? Food. Fudge. Sugar cookies, chocolate chip cookies, peanut butter cookies, various other candies. Popcorn.

    I walked out of the house and looked at my husband and just laughed. I told him, get this stuff out of my sight, or I'll eat it all! And we got home and over the next 4 days I did indeed eat. it. all.

    So it worked, her little derail worked.

    I have my own opinion about her reasons, but the bottom line is that it worked because I let it. I could have put it away, I could have had my husband take it to his office. I didn't. And I'm paying for it. She's not! She didn't get heartburn because she ate two pieces of fudge and a handful of sugar cookies before bed! She didn't watch the scale creep up pound after pound!

    So think about who's going to pay if you listen to your derailers. Are they? No. You are. You know what you need to do, you know what's good for you. You, and your doctor, know where you need to be. Ignore the jealousy, ignore the "you're fine/beautiful/fit/healthy just the way you are!" If you were fine/beautiful/fit/healthy, you wouldn't be here, and you wouldn't care if someone said that to you.

    That story really hit home. I reacted sensitively to a couple of comments and you've had to deal with a confection factory land on your doorstep from a professional saboteur! I hope you use your sort-of relative's 'thoughtful' gift as your incentive to steamroll ahead with your healthy living goals this year. The best of luck to you.
  • kendalslimmer
    kendalslimmer Posts: 579 Member
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    Ironblossom I know exactly what I'd buy that woman for Christmas next year... I don't think I'm quite as nice as you at heart! Xx

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