How to respond to family members who disagree with weight goal
Options
Replies
-
Amanda4change wrote: »Honestly with some people it's just not worth the argument. Most people don't have the ability to look at someone who is a healthy weight (especially if they are overweight themselves) and say they weight this amount. Rather than argue with them smile, nod and don't correct their assumptions about how much you've lost, or how much more you plan to. Let your mom believe that 20 more pounds is your end goal, then just keep doing what your doing. If she comments, say those last 10 pounds are hard to get rid of.
I know. Frustrating though. I have been trying to encourage them to take an interest in their own health. My dad is on board with it (he's been coming out walk/running with me when he can. My mom though has some very inaccurate and sometimes laughable ideas about losing weight. Not sure if she is actively trying, but I heard her say the other day that she was frustrated because she works out 15minutes once a week, and doesn't understand why it hasn't done anything for her (not sure what "thing" she wished to accomplish).
If your goal is to get them on board, then of course you are opening yourself to unhelpful input from them.
Walk with your dad. Leave mom out of this completely.
And stop talking about your weight/bmi with both of them.
If you need to discuss what is going on with your weight loss, find people who are not your parents/relatives.
It never was my goal for them to join. It just kind of happened. They were over one day and I told them I needed to go for my daily exercise, which was not meant as an invite to join but rather a subtle hint that it was time for them to leave. My dad enjoyed it, so asked me if he could tag along regularly. Against my better judgement I said sure. I don't care one way or the other, it's the nagging that pisses me off. I never talk about my weight or BMi around them. If weight comes up, it is because my mom brought it up, but I never tell them my specific numbers. Again- I am not the one who brings it up.
0 -
Just smile agree and say you will lose the amount they want you to...then lose the amount the dr and you agreed on.
When you visit+them always bring and share a treat you worked into your cal goal. This way they will stop worrying+that you arent+eating enough and this silly disagreement over a number on+a+scale+can+stop.0 -
I am currently experiencing this also, I have lost 44lbs now with another 26-33lbs to go which will take me smack bang in the middle of BMI, although if I got to a UK size 10 before that then I would stop I think as I've imagined being smaller than an 10. However my mum, who is my best friend, keeps putting an absolute downer on it, telling me never to shop in certain shops as they come up small so I have no hope to fit and looking genuinely horrified when I said ideally I am aiming for a size 10 saying that is too thin for someone of 5'6 and I should be at least a curvy size 12, I'm going to have an eating disorder etc, I'm being ridiculous with this now, should max lose another 10lbs etc. The real kicker is that she is 5'4 and has always strived for a UK 10! Doh!
I bite my tongue with her because I don't want to fall out but it has gotten me really upset at times like she doesn't believe I can do it, but I'm also more determined. I suspect she may be jealous and a little afraid of change as I am not too far off her weight and she has been yo yo dieting ever since I can remember (she is off the wagon now) so in some strange way it might make her look bad?
I don't have much advice on how to tackle things as I am keeping quiet to save an argument but just wanted to let you know you're not alone!
P.s. last time she started my step dad chimed in and told her to stop and that it was up to me what I want to do and she did stop...so I could lend you my stepdad? Haha
Sure! Send him this way. I'll even pay for shipping :-p.
My biggest peeve is if I have food in the house my mom think is unhealthy (chips, diet sodas, popcorn etc) she tries to tell me how bad they are and if I want to lose weight I can't eat those.obscuremusicreference wrote: »I don't need my parents to co-sign my decisions. When I've made decisions they haven't supported, I haven't tried to push them for their support (my dad tried to talk me out of finishing my bachelor's degree, for goodness sake).
I don't know if you live with them or they support you financially or what, but I would try to extract myself from a situation in which I was being yelled at and did not feel as though I could push back.
I don't look for their input (whether it be support or the nagging). They just chime in and feel the needs to constantly bring the conversation back to that topic.0 -
My mom gets weird about it too, she wants me to lose weight but I'd imagine she has a pretty firm thought in her head about how much it should be. More than where I am now and less than where I plan to end up if I had to guess.
My tactic since the beginning has been to be vague about it when with them. Thankfully I don't spend much time around her but when I do I make it a point to eat as "normally" as I can, when she asks if I've lost weight I hmm and say I dunno, maybe I guess so? All my clothes are stretchy and you know I don't really notice" stuff like that. Basically I just don't make a big deal out of it.
I will see them soon and mom will ask again about it and I will be like "yeah I guess I've lost some since I've seen you last but I'm not sure how much" and then we move past the subject. Or she may speculate about how much and I'll say "sure yeah that probably sounds right".
Were I you I would just agree with my parents "yeah mom I thought about it you are right, your idea sounds great" and then just do whatever I want anyway. Since I started doing this years ago we never argue. In the context of your conversation my answer would have been something like "I dunno, I haven't really thought about it too much, but that sounds good" or something like that. And that's not even much of a lie, I really do just worry about the next pound and then go from there. I don't need to worry about 50 lbs from now any more than my mom does as today I am dealing with this next pound and that's all that matters right now.
It seems silly to argue with them over a number like 50 lbs since they can't even visualize what that is even going to look like on you. It's not like they have good advice/information to offer you were they to know your full plan. I'd also stop worrying about wanting to influence their health/weight decisions and just focus on spending time with them and enjoying their company in whatever way you can and not stress them out.
And I hope I don't sound like I am being hard on you, I think your parents are in the wrong on a lot of levels, but from what you have said they sound like my mom with little to no chance of changing their way of thinking, and it's just not worth arguing with them so my suggestions deal with the only thing you can actually control or influence which is you.0 -
I have had this also, I think that this problem is that a lot of people who have little experience of weight loss have trouble conceptualizing what that amount of weight would look like when it comes off and to them it sounds like a very high number.
I have found that the easiest way to avoid the drama is just to say, 'I am not sure I am willing to stop whenever I get to a shape that looks and feels healthy on my body'0 -
Tell them it isn't up for discussion. If you've rationally made your case about it being a healthy BMI for your body, they don't have an argument to make. I'm sorry. My own mother occasionally nags me about something and I refuse to discuss it and change the subject.
You don't need to yell back, but you should feel comfortable telling them it's not on the table.0 -
aha
smile and nod
people don't get it
I was getting this comment from everyone, including my boss's boss before I even hit a BMI of 25 which was my target weight
I'm now at that weight and maintaining until I can work out where I want to go from here .. clearly I could lose more according to BMI but I'm not sure I want to yet based on how my body is looking
just smile and nod and lie .. say oh a few more pounds
because people worry0 -
Let's forget BMI for a second, if you feel like you need to loose more weight to reach your physical peak do it. My parents like mentioning my gut but don't want to see me as a size 0. my mom was a size 0 when she was my age, no diet or anything! I'm just trying to get to a normal body weight that I can be comfortable with. I've learnt to ignore them and carry on with what I'm doing
If it's not your weight it would be something else0 -
Just don't discuss it with them. Problem solved0
-
The comments on this thread make me so glad I live far away from my mother.... I can't imagine the insanity that she would bring to the table in my weight loss...0
-
Amanda4change wrote: »The comments on this thread make me so glad I live far away from my mother.... I can't imagine the insanity that she would bring to the table in my weight loss...
I'm starting to feel a little hurt that my mom is really encouraging of my weight loss. Can't they show a little concern about me wasting away instead of emailing me low-fat recipes?0 -
hortensehildegarde wrote: »My mom gets weird about it too, she wants me to lose weight but I'd imagine she has a pretty firm thought in her head about how much it should be. More than where I am now and less than where I plan to end up if I had to guess.
My tactic since the beginning has been to be vague about it when with them. Thankfully I don't spend much time around her but when I do I make it a point to eat as "normally" as I can, when she asks if I've lost weight I hmm and say I dunno, maybe I guess so? All my clothes are stretchy and you know I don't really notice" stuff like that. Basically I just don't make a big deal out of it.
I will see them soon and mom will ask again about it and I will be like "yeah I guess I've lost some since I've seen you last but I'm not sure how much" and then we move past the subject. Or she may speculate about how much and I'll say "sure yeah that probably sounds right".
Were I you I would just agree with my parents "yeah mom I thought about it you are right, your idea sounds great" and then just do whatever I want anyway. Since I started doing this years ago we never argue. In the context of your conversation my answer would have been something like "I dunno, I haven't really thought about it too much, but that sounds good" or something like that. And that's not even much of a lie, I really do just worry about the next pound and then go from there. I don't need to worry about 50 lbs from now any more than my mom does as today I am dealing with this next pound and that's all that matters right now.
It seems silly to argue with them over a number like 50 lbs since they can't even visualize what that is even going to look like on you. It's not like they have good advice/information to offer you were they to know your full plan. I'd also stop worrying about wanting to influence their health/weight decisions and just focus on spending time with them and enjoying their company in whatever way you can and not stress them out.
And I hope I don't sound like I am being hard on you, I think your parents are in the wrong on a lot of levels, but from what you have said they sound like my mom with little to no chance of changing their way of thinking, and it's just not worth arguing with them so my suggestions deal with the only thing you can actually control or influence which is you.
You didn't sound hard at all. I think that is actually a really good tactic and going to start trying it.
0 -
I'm with the people that suggest to be more agreeable with them. People who aren't actively trying to lose weight simply don't have a lot of experience when it comes to weight loss, which triggers many unfounded fears and wrong ideas. This is especially true for parents, who by default "know better". It certainly isn't worth ruining your relationship with them over silly arguments.
As long as your doctor approves, just do your own thing while looking like you are doing theirs. I don't have this problem, as my weight goal is slightly higher than most people aim for due to personal preference, but I've had situations where I had to choose between smiling and nodding and confrontation. There are conversations where standing your ground is the right things to do, but some others are just not worth it because they tend to degenerate to "i'm wrong you're right" kind of back and forth. You have nothing to prove, and sometimes being confrontational will make it look like you do. I'm sure no matter what healthy weight you choose to be they will be happy to see you happy, and once they get used to the way you look at your goal weight the negative remarks with eventually disappear.
Instead of how much you want to lose, discuss with them how happy this is making you feel. If the conversation does trickle down to the number of pounds just smile and say "maybe you're right" and continue discussing all the amazing new things you are able to do now, how your health markers improved, how you never thought you would feel amazing just to be able to tie your shoes without resorting to contortionist tricks, that nice outfit you've been dying to wear... etc. You could also discuss things you struggle with, like hitting a wall with exercise, needing new meal ideas...etc. This is an almost guaranteed way to turn a conversation from judgemental to supportive (but be prepared for some silly advice along with good advice). Changing the conversation tone alone may even be a better encouragement for them to get on board than preaching knowledge.0 -
I am going through the same thing. I was never obese bit my bmi was 27 something and I decided to lose weight. At first they were supportive and everything was fine until i hit 65 kg and they told me its enough. Well for me it isn't bc my goal is 57 (i know its just a number but i still have fat i should lose and its a healthy weight for my 167 cm imo). I had a couple of fights with my parents but they are not as nearly as stubborn as my grandma is. Im a student and its convenient to live with them but im getting really tired. On a daily basis my grandma is telling me that i look like the death itself, that i 'dried up' and that i lost too much. I understand that she is used to seeing me all nice and round but those comments are really unnecessary. Whats worse one of her friends told me i was anorexic when she saw me making my breakfast and weighing oatmeal. You can't even imagine my shock when she told me that. Basically what i did was that i stopped talking to them about my weight and diet and it helped... A little bit. My mother is still annoyed when i ask her to cook my weighed portion seperately (we have a big family lunch on sundays) and my grandma gets mad when i refuse to eat what she cooked bc its outright soaked in oil. Since its a problem i have yet to solve myself i can't recomend any solutions. What kind of worked for me is weighing my food in secret (so they don't tell me that im obssesive) and stop talking about my diet and excercise. I also don't tell them when i lose weight. That has made the situation a little better for me and i hope i helped you. You are not alone in this xx0
-
aha
smile and nod
people don't get it
I was getting this comment from everyone, including my boss's boss before I even hit a BMI of 25 which was my target weight
I'm now at that weight and maintaining until I can work out where I want to go from here .. clearly I could lose more according to BMI but I'm not sure I want to yet based on how my body is looking
just smile and nod and lie .. say oh a few more pounds
because people worry
^^This
I am majorly struggling with parents telling me I'm losing too much weight. I know that it's healthy weight loss though and it's what I want to achieve for me.
It is better to be vague where possible and try and ignore the negativity, as the more you tell people you know what you're doing, the more they seem to fly off the handle!0 -
obscuremusicreference wrote: »Amanda4change wrote: »The comments on this thread make me so glad I live far away from my mother.... I can't imagine the insanity that she would bring to the table in my weight loss...
I'm starting to feel a little hurt that my mom is really encouraging of my weight loss. Can't they show a little concern about me wasting away instead of emailing me low-fat recipes?
My mom doesn't actually give a damn about me, the insanity would all be about her, and how my losing weight either says something bad about her, or some other nonsense But what would one expect by a woman who didn't want to get fat while pregnant with me (she gained 25 pounds with my brother who was 9 pounds) so she severely restricted her calories while pregnant with me (I was a whopping 4 pounds 5 ounces at birth, and had a bunch of health issues, like low blood sugar, and bone density issues because of it).
0 -
Agree with the poster who said if it's not your weight, it will be something else. My parents are great and supportive in many ways, but if I'm not too fat, it's that I don't have a boyfriend, my job doesn't pay highly enough. Tick one off and another joins the list!
I think my mum looks at my weight loss (51 lbs, 16 to go) with a mixture of jealousy and amazement, as she probably could do with losing the same. Both my parents think my remaining weight loss will make me too skinny (although it will take me to 24.5 BMI); my dad is worried about anorexia. They know I am level-headed and self-assured and will not take this to extremes, but occassionally the tabloid health articles they read take over from common sense!
I agree with others too who have said that no-one can comprehend what 50 lbs actually looks like, until it's gone. We're really used to seeing overweight people now, so it can make normal weight seem underweight and worrying, especially if people are used to you being bigger.
I think what helps me with my parents is that I have a very slim younger sister (UK 6), who I would never aim to be as slim as, so wherever I end up, I'll still always be the bigger sister.0 -
When I was in my 20s my grandmother told me that my mother (her daughter) was a controller - like I didn't know already! The way to stop most of the rows that went on with my mother trying to control my life was to agree with what she said and then just do my own thing when I wasn't with her. Very sound advice, my mum has always known best and always will. I've been married 28 years and have a 22 year old son and she still tries to tell me what to do, and we get on just fine because I agree with her and then carry on with what I was doing when not with her.
My mother is all about "face" - what others will think about her and her family, rather than about what she thinks for herself. I refuse to go through all those arguments, so I'm happy to agree as it doesn't hurt either her or me. So next time your mum asks how much more you want to lose just be vague and non committal "oh I haven't really decided yet, I'm letting the doctor guide me and I want to see how I feel/look", your parents won't just change their mindset, not now, so make it easier on you all by not really saying anything much, keep it going and you'll find it won't be such a bone of contention between you.0 -
Yeah, I've had the same thing happen to me a few times when I talk about my ultimate goal, which is probably somewhere in the middle of the normal weight BMI. It sounds "too little" to many, like my mom, who was pretty shocked by the suggestion. However, I think that once I get the normal weight range according to BMI, I'll try to focus more on being toned and doing weight training to look fit, than the my actual weight.0
-
hortensehildegarde wrote: »My mom gets weird about it too, she wants me to lose weight but I'd imagine she has a pretty firm thought in her head about how much it should be. More than where I am now and less than where I plan to end up if I had to guess.
My tactic since the beginning has been to be vague about it when with them. Thankfully I don't spend much time around her but when I do I make it a point to eat as "normally" as I can, when she asks if I've lost weight I hmm and say I dunno, maybe I guess so? All my clothes are stretchy and you know I don't really notice" stuff like that. Basically I just don't make a big deal out of it.
I will see them soon and mom will ask again about it and I will be like "yeah I guess I've lost some since I've seen you last but I'm not sure how much" and then we move past the subject. Or she may speculate about how much and I'll say "sure yeah that probably sounds right".
Were I you I would just agree with my parents "yeah mom I thought about it you are right, your idea sounds great" and then just do whatever I want anyway. Since I started doing this years ago we never argue. In the context of your conversation my answer would have been something like "I dunno, I haven't really thought about it too much, but that sounds good" or something like that. And that's not even much of a lie, I really do just worry about the next pound and then go from there. I don't need to worry about 50 lbs from now any more than my mom does as today I am dealing with this next pound and that's all that matters right now.
It seems silly to argue with them over a number like 50 lbs since they can't even visualize what that is even going to look like on you. It's not like they have good advice/information to offer you were they to know your full plan. I'd also stop worrying about wanting to influence their health/weight decisions and just focus on spending time with them and enjoying their company in whatever way you can and not stress them out.
And I hope I don't sound like I am being hard on you, I think your parents are in the wrong on a lot of levels, but from what you have said they sound like my mom with little to no chance of changing their way of thinking, and it's just not worth arguing with them so my suggestions deal with the only thing you can actually control or influence which is you.ilovesweeties wrote: »Agree with the poster who said if it's not your weight, it will be something else. My parents are great and supportive in many ways, but if I'm not too fat, it's that I don't have a boyfriend, my job doesn't pay highly enough. Tick one off and another joins the list!
I think my mum looks at my weight loss (51 lbs, 16 to go) with a mixture of jealousy and amazement, as she probably could do with losing the same. Both my parents think my remaining weight loss will make me too skinny (although it will take me to 24.5 BMI); my dad is worried about anorexia. They know I am level-headed and self-assured and will not take this to extremes, but occassionally the tabloid health articles they read take over from common sense!
I agree with others too who have said that no-one can comprehend what 50 lbs actually looks like, until it's gone. We're really used to seeing overweight people now, so it can make normal weight seem underweight and worrying, especially if people are used to you being bigger.
I think what helps me with my parents is that I have a very slim younger sister (UK 6), who I would never aim to be as slim as, so wherever I end up, I'll still always be the bigger sister.
I know this feeling. She's nagged about other things, some of which even more ridiculous. My personal favorite, which she no longer brings up, was how I went to work. Since I live on my own she typically doesn't see me getting ready, but this just happened to be on a thanksgiving years ago, so I had to change there to go to work. She goes: really? That is what you are wearing? That outfit is not flattering and you leave your hair down, put on make up etc. what made it so ridiculous is she was acting like I could wear what I wanted to work. I'm a medic, we kind of have a uniform code lol. Anything more than waterproof mascara and I have "raccoon mask" eyes. Oh and hair down? No thanks. Even if it wasn't part of the dresscode, I really don't want my hair free falling in vomit, blood, and other bodily fluids. Lol.0
Categories
- All Categories
- 1.4M Health, Wellness and Goals
- 391.7K Introduce Yourself
- 43.5K Getting Started
- 259.8K Health and Weight Loss
- 175.6K Food and Nutrition
- 47.3K Recipes
- 232.3K Fitness and Exercise
- 395 Sleep, Mindfulness and Overall Wellness
- 6.4K Goal: Maintaining Weight
- 8.5K Goal: Gaining Weight and Body Building
- 152.7K Motivation and Support
- 7.8K Challenges
- 1.3K Debate Club
- 96.3K Chit-Chat
- 2.5K Fun and Games
- 3.3K MyFitnessPal Information
- 23 News and Announcements
- 960 Feature Suggestions and Ideas
- 2.3K MyFitnessPal Tech Support Questions