How to respond to family members who disagree with weight goal
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My suggestion: don't bring up dieting/weight/nutrition around them at all. If they bring it up, just listen to what they have to say, reassure them that you're talking to your doctor, and change the subject.
Try to give them the benefit of the doubt. When you are used to seeing someone bigger, dramatic weight loss, even when perfectly healthy, can make people worried.0 -
I am currently experiencing this also, I have lost 44lbs now with another 26-33lbs to go which will take me smack bang in the middle of BMI, although if I got to a UK size 10 before that then I would stop I think as I've imagined being smaller than an 10. However my mum, who is my best friend, keeps putting an absolute downer on it, telling me never to shop in certain shops as they come up small so I have no hope to fit and looking genuinely horrified when I said ideally I am aiming for a size 10 saying that is too thin for someone of 5'6 and I should be at least a curvy size 12, I'm going to have an eating disorder etc, I'm being ridiculous with this now, should max lose another 10lbs etc. The real kicker is that she is 5'4 and has always strived for a UK 10! Doh!
I bite my tongue with her because I don't want to fall out but it has gotten me really upset at times like she doesn't believe I can do it, but I'm also more determined. I suspect she may be jealous and a little afraid of change as I am not too far off her weight and she has been yo yo dieting ever since I can remember (she is off the wagon now) so in some strange way it might make her look bad?
I don't have much advice on how to tackle things as I am keeping quiet to save an argument but just wanted to let you know you're not alone!
P.s. last time she started my step dad chimed in and told her to stop and that it was up to me what I want to do and she did stop...so I could lend you my stepdad? Haha
Sure! Send him this way. I'll even pay for shipping :-p.
My biggest peeve is if I have food in the house my mom think is unhealthy (chips, diet sodas, popcorn etc) she tries to tell me how bad they are and if I want to lose weight I can't eat those.
My mum does that "can you actually eat that?" And then if I pop over for a cup of tea its all "do you want a donut? Go on, one won't hurt!"
I'm just letting it wash over me now (and I do eat the donut if I have enough cals haha). I like some of these suggestions of being more vague, I'm going to try that, especially as in most other areas we are very close and I don't want to end up resenting her for not supporting me like I want her too.
P.s. I'll start sneaking stamps onto my stepdad to prepare him for shipping - but don't forget to send him back, he is pretty awesome haha0 -
If they bring it up again, perhaps say it's a goal that will make you happy. They can't argue with your happiness! I would also possibly try and deflect the conversation away onto new topics when weight discussion comes up, be as vague as possible if you can re how much you want to lose.
My parents keep telling me what exercises I should be doing, what I should be eating and when, and that I need to eat healthier. They don't see my daily routine and only see what I eat for 1 meal a day which they cook. It can get very frustrating!0 -
"Don't mean to be rude to you, Mom and Pop, but don't let the door hit you in the buns on the way out". Heh. Interesting
I did have a similar conversation with my brother but the way I see it - not that different from the dozens of conversations I have on here. I mostly just attributed it to a shared interest in discussing health and fitness. Said not to lose any more weight but didn't have an answer when I asked what was the point of the extra weight0 -
Everyone in my family is pretty "big" so it could just be that. I have 3 food scales (kitchen, travel and back up) and they constantly nag me about being obsessive. It's frustrating. One minute they are proud, the next they start chastising and yelling.
Most people don't weigh their food. It looks weird to them. If food is important in the way they relate to each other, you're kind of throwing a wrench into things. Spend time with them that isn't oriented around food, like the walking you're doing with your dad.I don't know if it is because they are used to seeing me so big, or I look smaller than I weigh,
Yeah, probably.I have been trying to encourage them to take an interest in their own health. My dad is on board with it (he's been coming out walk/running with me when he can. My mom though has some very inaccurate and sometimes laughable ideas about losing weight. Not sure if she is actively trying, but I heard her say the other day that she was frustrated because she works out 15minutes once a week, and doesn't understand why it hasn't done anything for her (not sure what "thing" she wished to accomplish).
Most people's moms have had a lifetime of being manipulated for gain and outright lied to by stupid women's magazines and wider media, before the internet made access to good information possible. They can check stuff out now but those old beliefs are hard to kill. There may be a point where she'll look at you and think, maybe I should ask about how to do this.
Anyway, I agree with those saying to avoid talking about dieting or food and just let them see you healthy and having a good time. Your dad's on board already.
(I was told at one point by family members that my face looked a bit drawn, but that was actually true. I got some more general concern trolling from acquaintances, and just dismissed that because it was silly.)0 -
When parents and their children have these kinds of conversations, the problem is really not about the topic they think they are talking about.
The are really arguing / pestering each other / nagging about stuff that goes back decades.
In other words, this weight stuff is weird family dynamics.
Back away. Be your own self.0 -
I am currently experiencing this also, I have lost 44lbs now with another 26-33lbs to go which will take me smack bang in the middle of BMI, although if I got to a UK size 10 before that then I would stop I think as I've imagined being smaller than an 10. However my mum, who is my best friend, keeps putting an absolute downer on it, telling me never to shop in certain shops as they come up small so I have no hope to fit and looking genuinely horrified when I said ideally I am aiming for a size 10 saying that is too thin for someone of 5'6 and I should be at least a curvy size 12, I'm going to have an eating disorder etc, I'm being ridiculous with this now, should max lose another 10lbs etc. The real kicker is that she is 5'4 and has always strived for a UK 10! Doh!
I bite my tongue with her because I don't want to fall out but it has gotten me really upset at times like she doesn't believe I can do it, but I'm also more determined. I suspect she may be jealous and a little afraid of change as I am not too far off her weight and she has been yo yo dieting ever since I can remember (she is off the wagon now) so in some strange way it might make her look bad?
I don't have much advice on how to tackle things as I am keeping quiet to save an argument but just wanted to let you know you're not alone!
P.s. last time she started my step dad chimed in and told her to stop and that it was up to me what I want to do and she did stop...so I could lend you my stepdad? Haha
Sure! Send him this way. I'll even pay for shipping :-p.
My biggest peeve is if I have food in the house my mom think is unhealthy (chips, diet sodas, popcorn etc) she tries to tell me how bad they are and if I want to lose weight I can't eat those.
My mum does that "can you actually eat that?" And then if I pop over for a cup of tea its all "do you want a donut? Go on, one won't hurt!"
I'm just letting it wash over me now (and I do eat the donut if I have enough cals haha). I like some of these suggestions of being more vague, I'm going to try that, especially as in most other areas we are very close and I don't want to end up resenting her for not supporting me like I want her too.
P.s. I'll start sneaking stamps onto my stepdad to prepare him for shipping - but don't forget to send him back, he is pretty awesome haha
Lol. You didn't know? You can't gain weight if you are eating at someone else's house lol.
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I really sympathise, and have the same competitive issues with Mum (Dad doesn't get involved, and is rather thin himself) Mum is overweight and is battling high BP and borderline diabetes. She is the same as me, rather fragile looking but with a great big apron of visceral fat. She sees this fat as something she has no control over, it's been on her body for 35 years now (she's 79), and she simply cannot see any changes she could make to get rid of it. I know she finds it threatening and directly challenging that I'm targeting my 34 inch waist even though my BMI is 25.0. She says she will "not allow me" to get to 8st 4 - 116lb. I had anorexia in my teens and she is seriously worried. However I know that I will need to get to 116 to lose the apron and it's a healthy BMI for 5ft 0.
I'd second the advice of the above poster, just keep quietly going on with it and attempt to avoid the discussion if at all possible. At the end of the day they're going to see you looking beautiful and healthy and they'll be very proud.0 -
I'd second the advice of the above poster, just keep quietly going on with it and attempt to avoid the discussion if at all possible. At the end of the day they're going to see you looking beautiful and healthy and they'll be very proud.
^This.
I'm older now, and pretty much the matriarch of my family and this is my plan, even with my husband and kids and competitive sister. I don't discuss my plans, I will just keep eating less and moving more and saying that I'm doing this for my health.
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Don't engage is the answer.
If someone says you don't need to lose weight, provided you are overweight to begin with, you just say nothing.0 -
When I was losing I started with a goal of about 130 lbs I wanted to lose, after I lost about 60 lbs and saw my mom we had a similar discussion. When I said I wanted to lose another 60 or so she questioned that it might be too much as well. But it's because I had made such drastic changes to how I looked and she had only ever had to lose about 30 lbs that number was just out of her realm of experience. What I had left it with to her was I'm not worried so much about the exact number but that it was my best guess, and that I was more focused on a fitness level and overall look. Now, that I have lost that she sees it was a good size for my body and wasn't extreme.
Sometimes the numbers people hear are just outside of what they can picture and it causes some concern because of the unknown.0 -
Ignore, ignore, ignore. Eventually if you ignore someone enough times, both they and you will get used to whatever you're wanting to do that others don't.0
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Generally, I think people have good intentions. Most people don't have a good idea of how much other people should weigh and what that weight looks like. After a person has lost some weight, people notice that they look better, but they don't know what losing more would do and they are concerned that the person who is losing weight will lose to an unhealthy weight. In some cases, the family is right.0
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just smile and nod and lie .. say oh a few more pounds
because people worry
This^^
All my life until two years ago I was fussing about my mother (father long gone) and her attitude to my losing/gaining weight, living close/far, doing this vs that... They just worry folks, because they love you.
They are your parents. It is not their job to understand you or approve of your choices or make your life easier or like your weight or your accomplishments or your faults... They raised you through childhood, their only job now is to love you, not the way you want them to, the way they know how to. That's it, that's all.
So yes, vent your frustrations here but for heaven's sake don't let such exceptionally trivial matters gnaw at your relationship. They are not getting wiser with age? Big deal, you can. Shrug it off, lie and give them a kiss.
Because once they are gone nothing can ever bring them back from the grave. Every single second with them you wasted arguing about insignificant things or trying to change their attitude to you, you will regret. Don't waste it.0 -
People who aren't big don't understand weight. The other day my coworker heard me telling another coworker that I'd finally gotten under 200 pounds, and she was stunned. She said "I would have thought you weighed 160 pounds. (I was 220 when I started this weight loss journey.)
Don't worry about what your family says.0 -
My response in that situation when they ask me how much I want to lose would be to simply say something smart alec like "When I win the next Mr Universe competition", and then steer the conversation somewhere else. Nothing good ever comes from sharing specific numbers with people who don't need to know them.0
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Because these are people who are important to you, maybe sit them down and calmly explain your goal and how you are planning to get there in a slow, healthy way. Tell them that while you appreciate their concern, you are an adult, this is your body and you are making a reasonable health decision based on advice and approval from from your health care provider. Tell them that the subject of your goal weight is now closed and you won't discuss it again. Don't discuss it again. If they try to bring it up, remind them it isn't up for discussion and change the subject, hang up the phone or leave. Be firm and consistant.0
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My parents are like this as well. When they bring it up, I say no I'm not losing any more. (Even though I am.)
Sometimes they notice a difference in my body shape and they ask if I've lost weight again (they don't ask politely) and I just tell them, no I haven't I've just started toning in the gym. They're none the wiser.
I know that's lying but I'll do anything to avoid a *kitten* storm.
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I'm an adult. My weight is no one's business but my own. I don't understand the need to discuss it with anyone unless I want to, but I don't.0
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I try to be understanding. We are an American family. We are accustomed to seeing round, cherubic faces and soft round shapes everywhere we go. I notice I am sometimes shocked at how gaunt people from many Western European countries where they eat better and exercise more look to me when I see photos.0
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