My Husband!.... NOT ATTRACTED TO ME!
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If a man truly loves you, then it doesn't matter if you put on a little extra weight or not so do not take the blame for this. Accept it for what it is and if he wants to go then let him go. Sounds like you can do much better.0
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Fat2Fit145 wrote: »Well... I never thought I'd be here...ALREADY!. Ive been married for almost 5 months. This weekend I saw my husband talking to another female on his phone about our sex life. He told her he was not physically attracted to me. He also told her he is attracted to her... his exact words TO HER, "i'm attracted to u". I'm devastated and really cant believe i'm experiencing this already. It is the MOST hurtful thing EVER!. I admit I have put on a few more pounds since we got married, HE HAS as well. And I have taken note of it and started exercising. Sadly , on one end I cant blame him for not being attracted to me, I am not even attracted to myself. I HATEEE What I see in the mirror. Im not sure what hurts the most, the fact that I think he is justified in not being attracted to me, or that he is not, and is attracted to another woman. This hurts super bad!
1. You couldn't have gained so much weight in 5 months that it's completely different than when you got married.
2. How long have you been together, as a couple? Not just married
3. This isn't necessarily the place to air this info. Once you're married or have a partner, if you have an issue with them you need to talk about it with them. It's you and him, not you him and the general MFP community. While I'm sorry you're going through this, what can we do that you aren't already doing?
Further, you can and should blame him for not being attracted to you and showing you the value and respect a wife deserves. There's so much more to attraction than physical. You don't marry someone for their body because in 50 years, that body will be gone, having children, that body will change. What if you had an accident and it changed your physical appearance? To me, this sounds like a marriage that shouldn't have happened if you are experiencing this.
Don't me wrong, it's totally ok to "window shop" and find other people attractive but if one party is acting on it, it's not fair and it's breaking the trust and commitment you made to each other.
I'm not saying he's cheating - I don't know - but if he is talking to her about your sex life when you know it's not something you want shared then that's a major violation of trust and very disrespectful. My partner that I was with for almost 6 years never talked to his friends about our sex life, other than maybe a joke here or there. He knew it was private and we kept it that way. We had other issues - which is why we aren't together anymore - but that's besides the point.
You need to confront him and have that hard conversation. If you can't trust him, there isn't much more to the relationship. Trust is the foundation and once that foundation crumbles, everything else falls apart. You may not like the answer he has, or what he has to say but if it bothers you enough to put it on a public forum you need to talk to him. You need to prepare yourself for what he's going to say.
And if that's truly the case, pack up, cut your losses and find someone who will show you the respect you deserve. If he's going to cheat, or play the flirting games with other women, it's incredibly disrespectful to you and it's clear he doesn't value you as a person, weight gain or otherwise.
Do yourself a favour and find out the answer now, whatever that may be, and save yourself some trouble in the end. It may hurt, or it may be the best thing you ever did.
You also need to know whether you want to forgive him or if you can trust him again, if you want to work through this. Figure out that answer, too. If you don't think you can ever trust him, or you don't even care if the relationship works out I believe you have your answer.0 -
It's not your weight. Here's a pic to illustrate:
In one of these pictures I'm 185lbs, in the other I'm 195lbs. Can you tell which is which?
Obviously, you're not me, so you might differ a little. But there's really not much of a change when it comes to 10lbs and you are already overweight (which you would be if you are at 185lbs unless you're in the 6 foot tall range). This is not a stab at you, I'm just pointing out facts (I was much heavier than you, so I'm not judging you in any way shape or form).
It's not enough of a change to go from "attractive" to "unattractive enough that I'm going to step out on my wife". It might be enough to get to the "honey, I'm a little concerned" category, but that's not where he is.
This is about his CHARACTER, not about your weight.
**Just in case anyone was going to actually guess, 195lbs is on the left.
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Fat2Fit145 wrote: »
These are physical qualities.
What does he bring to your life to enrich it? How does he make you a better version of yourself?
How does he make you happy?0 -
Fat2Fit145 wrote: »jennifershoo wrote: »Why did you get married to him? How long had you been together before? You never noticed how shallow he was?
Actually, I just felt he loved me. Its questionable now. We were together 4 years before marriage. But I think I saw the signs, I just was an idiot an ignored it.
If you think you saw the signs, as a woman, I'd say you knew it in your gut something wasn't right.
I was with my ex partner for almost 6 years, from 19 to 25 almost 26 and I loved him, I still do. But we just want different things and we have become different people. He isn't what I want for my life. I knew in my gut something wasn't right - his anger issues were out of control, he was emotionally abusive, and I wasn't happy. Technically we were common law but I moved out, legally separated and am on my own for the first time in a long time.
If you think you saw the signs, you know it's not right. You just know. As much as you may care for him, it is possible to love someone and not be with them. You need to consider yourself and even though it's scary because you've come to know life with him, you only get one shot at life. Make it count, make it worth something.0 -
ok, so all the folks saying this is bad, and that this is the lowest of the low...
how many ya'll cheated in the past? #gauntlet #barbarianneedsfoodbadly0 -
Fat2Fit145 wrote: »Hye everyone, thanks for your comments, really did not think it would generate such feedback, but I appreciate ALL...
What he said....
I told him we need to talk, and he said ok. I knew he knew what i saw because i had been quiet for a few days and he was being extra mushy and loving. Anyway I told him what I saw on his phone. I spoke first and said how I felt, that I was REALLLY hurt, and I couldn't believe it. He apologized immediately, and said that he realize it was wrong and inappropriate...
...some of the things he said:-
- He just got caught up
- Its not that he is really attracted to her
- Concerning our sex life, he just expected more out of it
- He did not address the fact that he said he is not attracted to me
- we got into talking about our sex life, he said he just wants me to do more. I had no problem with this, but why not tell me that, not your FEMALE friend.
I approached this convo very calm and hopeful that it would be resolved, while I was hurt, I was still trying to over look it. Why I posted this and why im still hurt is the fact that while discussing he had the audacity to ask why I only focusing on the fact that he said he is attracted to the other girl.... THATS when I FLIPPED. And it just hit me, this man is CLEARLY Oblivious to His role as a Husband, to the purpose of marriage etc.
So now im EXTREMELY concerned for my future, and being in this marriage.
Other notes:-
We were both virgins before we got married
Yes there were other offences before
I was questioning getting married to him
Yes he uses the word 'u' while texting (lol)
He is a cheater. It is him not you. Cheaters, cheat. And make up weird stories to blame someone else: I got carried away, was drunk, felt lonely, it is your fault for getting fat/busy/ill/pregnant etc. If he had a problem with something you are doing or not doing, he woudl have talked to you. If he hated something about you, he could have simply left. It is not about you, you just caught him trying to get another woman to sleep with him. He was not doing it so you could chaneg, or because he needed to talk. He was trying to get her to think he is miserable in the marriage, so he could get her to bed. You caught him , and he did nto even apologise. Chances are he has done it before, and it is a sure thing he will do it again. If you intend to stay in this marriage, learn to not ask questions and to pretend all is well. Do not bother trying to look thinner, dress sexier or whatever,hoping this is the way to keep him, it will change nothing.0 -
Are you sure he said what he said? Did you hear it with your own ears? This would be my first question because sometimes our own insecurities will play into the story we replay in our head.
If it were me, I'd put that trash where it belongs - on the curb. And get myself the best attorney possible. Don't blame yourself. This has nothing to do with you. Men cheat because they do. Look at all the ugly a*s men who've been married to supermodels and cheated on them. It's so not you. (and to be fair women can be dogs too). At any rate, decide if you want to fix it or not. If not, proceed immediately toward the exit with his things - and put them on the curb too. Otherwise, seek qualified counseling.0 -
Fat2Fit145 wrote: »Hye everyone, thanks for your comments, really did not think it would generate such feedback, but I appreciate ALL...
What he said....
I told him we need to talk, and he said ok. I knew he knew what i saw because i had been quiet for a few days and he was being extra mushy and loving. Anyway I told him what I saw on his phone. I spoke first and said how I felt, that I was REALLLY hurt, and I couldn't believe it. He apologized immediately, and said that he realize it was wrong and inappropriate...
...some of the things he said:-
- He just got caught up
- Its not that he is really attracted to her
- Concerning our sex life, he just expected more out of it
- He did not address the fact that he said he is not attracted to me
- we got into talking about our sex life, he said he just wants me to do more. I had no problem with this, but why not tell me that, not your FEMALE friend.
I approached this convo very calm and hopeful that it would be resolved, while I was hurt, I was still trying to over look it. Why I posted this and why im still hurt is the fact that while discussing he had the audacity to ask why I only focusing on the fact that he said he is attracted to the other girl.... THATS when I FLIPPED. And it just hit me, this man is CLEARLY Oblivious to His role as a Husband, to the purpose of marriage etc.
So now im EXTREMELY concerned for my future, and being in this marriage.
Other notes:-
We were both virgins before we got married
Yes there were other offences before
I was questioning getting married to him
Yes he uses the word 'u' while texting (lol)
He is a cheater. It is him not you. Cheaters, cheat. And make up weird stories to blame someone else: I got carried away, was drunk, felt lonely, it is your fault for getting fat/busy/ill/pregnant etc. If he had a problem with something you are doing or not doing, he woudl have talked to you. If he hated something about you, he could have simply left. It is not about you, you just caught him trying to get another woman to sleep with him. He was not doing it so you could chaneg, or because he needed to talk. He was trying to get her to think he is miserable in the marriage, so he could get her to bed. You caught him , and he did nto even apologise. Chances are he has done it before, and it is a sure thing he will do it again. If you intend to stay in this marriage, learn to not ask questions and to pretend all is well. Do not bother trying to look thinner, dress sexier or whatever,hoping this is the way to keep him, it will change nothing.
^^ This.
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Also, no offense, but there's some irony in your being upset with him discussing your marriage with one woman and you have a five page thread on MFP.0
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Guy seems like a pro cheater IMO. But OP seems like a doormat, so maybe they belong together.There are a lot more problems in this situation than weight gain. He doesn't respect his vow to you, your relationship or how much hurt his behavior causes you. I'm sure you aren't perfect, as none of us are. But 5 months in and he's cheating?
I don't think he is cheating yet...
sounds like he might be "sexting" with someone because his virgin expectations about sex have not been met....
seems odd for a 30 year old virgin to be a "pro cheater" but then that assumes that OP is not misrepresenting their status...
I still suspect troll thread.0 -
why do I feel like I am watching the Maury Povich show right now...???0
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Also, no offense, but there's some irony in your being upset with him discussing your marriage with one woman and you have a five page thread on MFP.
Which was pointed out already. But the point of his talking was to form an attachment to said other woman. The point of her talking about it on a forum is for advice (I presume).
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I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've had an ex who got into the whole 'sexting' thing. I know it's not the same thing as being married, but it still hurts.
If he has an issue with a measly 10 lb gain, he certainly doesn't deserve you at your best.
Sounds like a good, honest talk is in order. This is 100% his problem, not yours. You deserve so much more then someone who makes you feel inadequate and unworthy. So have your talk, and do whatever you have to do to take care of yourself. If you need to talk and get things off your chest, we're here.0 -
next on Maury ...identical twin sister cheats with sisters husband....0
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I agree you need to talk to him. That being said, I don't think 5 months and 10 pounds is really the issue. If he is talking to other women now, he was probably doing it before and just hid it better. I wish you luck with whatever you decide, but please don't let his actions dictate how you feel about yourself. He's not worth it.
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Cranquistador wrote: »
I am just finding the blind support for OP amusing....0 -
Fat2Fit145 wrote: »Well... I never thought I'd be here...ALREADY!. Ive been married for almost 5 months. This weekend I saw my husband talking to another female on his phone about our sex life. He told her he was not physically attracted to me. He also told her he is attracted to her... his exact words TO HER, "i'm attracted to u". I'm devastated and really cant believe i'm experiencing this already. It is the MOST hurtful thing EVER!.Fat2Fit145 wrote: »
I told him we need to talk, and he said ok. I knew he knew what i saw because i had been quiet for a few days and he was being extra mushy and loving. Anyway I told him what I saw on his phone. I spoke first and said how I felt, that I was REALLLY hurt, and I couldn't believe it. He apologized immediately, and said that he realize it was wrong and inappropriate...
Wait... you SAW him TALKING to some other woman... BUT... you talked about seeing his TEXT MESSAGES?
:huh:
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Lasmartchika wrote: »Fat2Fit145 wrote: »Well... I never thought I'd be here...ALREADY!. Ive been married for almost 5 months. This weekend I saw my husband talking to another female on his phone about our sex life. He told her he was not physically attracted to me. He also told her he is attracted to her... his exact words TO HER, "i'm attracted to u". I'm devastated and really cant believe i'm experiencing this already. It is the MOST hurtful thing EVER!.Fat2Fit145 wrote: »
I told him we need to talk, and he said ok. I knew he knew what i saw because i had been quiet for a few days and he was being extra mushy and loving. Anyway I told him what I saw on his phone. I spoke first and said how I felt, that I was REALLLY hurt, and I couldn't believe it. He apologized immediately, and said that he realize it was wrong and inappropriate...
Wait... you SAW him TALKING to some other woman... BUT... you talked about seeing his TEXT MESSAGES?
:huh:
LOL I didn't even notice the differences! Nice catch!
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I don't know if OP is even reading anymore - but if you are - if he is cheating or bordering on cheating and you are sitting there saying what did I do wrong, why doesn't he love me, blah blah blah then sorry to say you're doing it to yourself.
Whether you were virgins or not when you got married, you got married and you made a commitment to each other. Also being together for 4 years you made a huge commitment to each other. He is disrespecting that commitment and if you don't stand up for yourself and sit there thinking oh if I just looked like that girl he will love me, he will want me, he will only have sex with me then the only thing I have to say to you is denial is not just a river in Egypt.
Either stand up for yourself or don't . . . don't come on here looking for pity parties. Leave or put up with it. Those are your options if he is cheating. Cheaters can change, if they want to. But a lot of times cheaters cheat because they can - do you want to go to a one option plated dinner if you really love buffets instead? If he is cheating, he is cheating. It's him who is doing it, but it's you who is putting up with it. No amount of weight loss or hot lingerie will keep him from straying if he's so inclined. That I can promise.1 -
To many of the younger generation, talking on the phone is the same as texting. When I ask my 18 year old who she's texting, she says, "I'm talking to my friend, Nikki" or whatever.0
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You're planning to have kids at some point? He does know that pregnancy can look nice on some women and make others look like beach whales right? If he can't support you and encourage when you've barely gained 10 lbs, what do you think he's going to do if you get pregnant and start gaining weight? I'm sorry but your husband is a jerk.1
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